The Pre-summer Talk With Your Teen

            As educators, we spend much of the last day of school reflecting on all that we have accomplished this year, (and then on what we want to do better next year!).  The first piece of this reflection is taking a step back, and simply watching the students as they sit in the end of the year assembly.  I take the time to recall each child's first days of school this year, and how much he/she has grown and changed.  I make mental notes of all their accomplishments, and then try to tell them personally what I have noticed.

  As parents, we try to do this as well. In my family, we have a celebratory dinner where we speak of what we have accomplished.  I make every effort to not focus on the grades- with my own family and with my students- but to rather focus on the work they did on the character traits, the effort, the changes in study habits, the growth in how they treated others and their increased taking of responsibility for themselves.  This is the first “talk” we will have with our children as the year comes to a close.

            The second “talk” we then have with our children, (in between countless trips to Target for camp supplies), is preparing them for camp. I want to stress that this “talk” should happen every year despite your child's having gone to camp many times before.   There are a number of challenges kids face when either at day camp, sleepaway camp or just “hanging around.” This is our chance to help them prepare for those challenges. As a reminder, here are some aspects to highlight.

            The first most essential component is to recall that no matter how organized and supervised camp is, camp is still a largely less supervised and less structured setting. In addition, despite much improved and exemplary efforts of camps to hire and to train their staff, our children are mainly supervised by teenagers who are only a few years older then themselves and may not have fully-developed, adult decision making skills.  We therefore need to remind them of the importance of keeping themselves safe, and telling a trusted adult when they do not feel safe.  “Safe” means physically or emotionally.  If they simply have a sinking feeling that things are not going they way they would like them to, they need to tell someone. Especially for our children who are going to sleepaway camp, this is an important conversation.   We are not around to be their “trusted adult.” Who will their “trusted adult” be?  What if the someone  who is “bothering” them is their counselor or an adult in the camp? Our goal is not to scare them, but in a more low intensity manner and in a matter of fact way share with them to whom they can go.

            This safety talk relates to generally not engaging in risky behaviors.  (Ex. Not going off to the woods when not with their group etc.).  Risky behaviors also include alcohol and other drugs.  I also want to share a link to a game that teens have been playing called The Choking Game.   Please watch the video and add it to your list of risky behaviors to discuss with your children. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=space+monkey++chocking+game&view=detail&mid=F44DDAAA9AB77562CB8EF44DDAAA9AB77562CB8E&first=0&FORM=NVPFVR&qpvt=space+monkey++chocking+game

 Safety, of course, relates to a frank conversation about abuse.  We have had these talks with the students in school, but it bears repeating.  Abuse can range from verbal, physical to sexual abuse.  Perpetrators can be adults or peers.  Children should realize that they should not tolerate anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. We frankly discuss with the students situations like, someone opening the shower curtain when we are showering as a “joke” or going off with someone (adult or peer) without a group.  We need to highlight that even if someone we care about or whom we like is making us feel uncomfortable we need to tell someone.

            As parents, we need to feel empowered as well.  A friend of mine shared that her daughter in day camp told her that the male bus counselor was sitting close to her and stroking her hair.   Despite the fact that this may have been innocent, camps need to be informed. What is the supervision like when children are changing in after swim in the locker rooms?   We should never feel hesitant to share concerns. 

            We all know the amount of time we spend in schools stressing respect and not bullying other children.   In the same way, children should be reassured that bullying is not tolerated in camp either.  The “prank” that goes just too far is not acceptable just because it’s camp.  Please make it clear to your child that they should never tolerate being bullied or the bullying of others. 

            There are other aspects of camp that can be challenging for some.  The social component can be a challenge as camp is much more social than school.  Issues like kids in the bunk not getting along with each other, making friends when you don’t really know anyone, or branching out and making new friends  are all examples of some situations to be talked about.  Athletics can be a challenge for other students. Some kids are not as athletic as others or do not enjoy sports, and find camp difficult for that reason.   There may be some students going to sleepaway for the first time. Homesickness is an issue.   All of the above make up the “pre-camp talk.”

            Then there is the last “talk” of the summer. This one usually happens a few weeks before school.  We sit down with our children and set goals for the coming year. What would I like do work better on this year that did not quite work out last year?  Are there systems that I want to put into place so that I am better organized? Do I want to work harder at my in-class behavior and monitoring my own attention in class?  Do I want to stop procrastinating and study for things in advance?  It is a sort of  “new year’s resolutions” activity. But, more important than setting the resolutions is planning practical ways to implement realistically achievable goals.  As we teach the students in Advisory, goals should be SMART: 

Savvy-  Easy to understand, not at all vague, specific and in the realm of possibility. 

Measureable-   Be specific about the outcome you expect.  The destination should be clear.

Active -  Goals should tell you about what action you must take to get there.  Verbs should be in sentence.

Reachable-  Although goals stretch you, they should be in your reach.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel I can attain this goal?  Is it realistic for me?  Am I comfortable with this challenge?”  It’s hard to stay motivated if your goals seem unreachable.

Timed- Have a clear deadline set- a specific date.  These dates motivate you. 

            So, you thought that once you had that  “puberty talk”  you were done  or יוצא            for all time?  Sorry. No such luck.   Our job as parents is to keep on talking.  They may pretend they are not listening, but they hear every word we say.

It is hard to believe that this is the last Parenting Pointers blog of the year.  School has ended and we are busily shopping, packing and schlepping duffles.  If I may, I’d like you to take a break to read this column, as it stresses some other preparations for summer that are essential for parents.  This week’s column is about the “talks” we need to have with our children before they leave to camp and before they begin school again at http://parentingpointersfrohlich.blogspot.com .

Thank you to all of you who have been loyal readers all year, and especially to those of you who have e-mailed me comments and responses. 

Best wishes for a wonderful and relaxing summer of  (no homework!!) and enjoying your children.

Dr. Aliza Frohlich

The Sound of Music and Raising Jewish Souls

As you know, during this past month our middle schoolers have had their Adolescent Life workshops which covered topics related to physiological, emotional and social issues related to puberty. Our 8^th graders had their sessions this past week which focused the Jewish view of relationships. The boys had one session with Rabbi Knapp and one Q and A session with Rabbi Shalom Baum. The girls had one session with me and a Q and A with Mrs. Shoshana Samuels and Mrs. Shira Schiowitz. The students had the opportunity to gain a sensitivity to Judaism's view of relationships. They also at the same time gained the understanding that as they grow into adulthood there are special people in communal roles to whom they can turn with their questions. As they get older, they need to find Torah role models they can approach with serious questions. The most important message they received was that Judaism has something to say about every aspect of their lives.

In my session with the girls, I began with an exercise. I asked them to think about a recent television show or movie they watched in which there was a male-female relationship. I asked them to describe the two characters in the relationship and describe the relationship itself. This exercise always creates lots of chatter and inevitably the relationships are described as “purely physical,” “temporary,” “love/hate” etc. We then discuss whether the relationships we see on TV are real. I ask the girls to think about the impact of what we grew up watching on our views of what relationships should be. What messages do they send to us about the role of women and men? Then, we discuss what a Jewish relationship is. We don't deny the importance of the physical, but the physical devoid of the emotional and spiritual is worthless, dangerous and even emotionally damaging.

This year, we spoke about the lyrics in the music to which they listen. They brought up the “inappropriateness” of much of the lyrics- even on the “lite” stations, (although they don't actually listen to the radio). It would have been an interesting exercise for them to go home and go through all the songs on their iPods. What messages are the songs relaying to them about what kind of women they are supposed to be to attract men? I spoke about the songs we listened to growing up in the 80's. What contrast!

The impact of the sexual content found in today's music on teens has been a topic of much research of late. As parents we are often unaware of the music our children are listening to as increasingly they can download it and listen to it with headphones without our involvement. The research indicates that lyrics have become more explicit when it comes to references to drinking/drugs, sex and even violence. A 2009 study looked at the "Billboard Hot 100" most popular year-end songs from 1959, '69, '79, '89, '99 and 2009 using 600 songs. Looking only at the lyrics, the researchers coded each song for references to sexual topics. The topics they coded for are too graphic for this column. The researchers also took note of lyrics suggesting that "a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal" or that "a person is held to a standard of beauty equating physical attractiveness with being sexy," among other messages. In 2009, three times as many top songs contained sexual references compared to all the decades before it, the researchers reported in the journal Sexuality and Culture.

Exposure to sexual messages and sexual stereotypes affects behaviors and attitudes of young people. Lyrics that are overly sexualized lead teens to judge their own personal worth on a sexual level only, leading to poor body image, depression and dangerous behaviors. “Popular music teaches young men to be sexually aggressive and treat women as objects while often teaching young women that their value to society is to provide sexual pleasure to others.” As parents, it is essential for us to take a stand regarding what lyrics our children can listen to. Lead author of one study, Steven Martino, said that, "Boys learn they should be relentless in pursuit of females, and girls learn to view themselves as sex objects. The study recommends that parents set limits on what music their children can purchase and listen to and be careful not to listen to sexually degrading music when their children are around.” On the most basic level, studies indicate that as parents we need to discuss the lyrics to which our kids are listening with them. We spend so much time worrying about what they are watching on TV and what they are doing on the internet that we forget to check out their playlists.

In 2004, just 18 percent of kids aged 8 to 18 owned MP3 players. By 2009, the number was up to 76 percent, found a 2010 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation. And, we know those statistics are now outdated, and the advent of iPods and smartphones has increased the numbers. Even though parents often set limits on the amount of time their kids can spend watching TV, playing video games and surfing the Internet, just 10 percent of youth in the study reported having restrictions on the amount of music they listened to.

These studies, as I point out indirectly to the girls in my conversations with them, are not done by religious people. It is not only an Orthodox Jewish halachic issue. But, how much more so does this issue relate to us as Orthodox Jews. What does Judaism tell me about what it means to be a woman? A man? Aside from the sexual messages, most relationships in the music have “commitment issues.” Even the most clean music there is bound to be someone cheating on someone else who “done me wrong.” What does that tell our children about the seriousness of a relationship?

Kids may claim, “I don't really pay attention to the words. I am listening for the beat.” Studies indicate the contrary. Even if they do not understand what every word means they get the general message. The research demonstrates that there the messages they are getting are often subconscious. They give them an understanding and expectation of what is normal and expected from them whether they realize it or not. And, many a time in the various settings in which I have worked I have been with teenagers and I hear the students break into a song that does not reflect Jewish values.

The recording industry will not practice censorship. They have created the Parental Advisory Label (PAL) which is placed on a record based on the decision of the individual recording company and artists on a voluntary basis. But, even that label is subjective and not foolproof.

As Jews, we know of the centrality of music. We know that in the Beit HaMikdash, music was an essential component of Avodat Hashem. And, clearly music affects one's mood and mental state, as we know young Dovid played the harp for King Shaul as he was in a state of “melancholy.” Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi stated, “If words are the pen of the heart, then song is the pen of the soul.” The music we listen to connects to our souls. As parents, we want to safeguard the souls of our children by monitoring the music that enters their neshamot.