Heard It Through The Grapevine- Let It Stop With You

 “I heard it through the grapevine…People say believe half of what you see, son, and none of what you hear…” These are the words of a 1968 song sung by Marvin Gaye…and a point of discussion in our sixth grade Advisory this week. This lesson was part of their unit on Bullying and Social Exclusion as it focused on the harm of gossip and spreading rumors. One of the L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies the students learn about is “Rumors stop with me.” We discussed why people gossip, the harm it can inflict, and what we can do to stop the cycle. Through a humorous video by Netsmartz, we also discussed how gossip and spreading rumors is so much more powerful in the age of texting and internet. These are some things we asked them to think about:

1. When you hear something you have the urge to pass on don’t think about whether or not it’s true. Think about:

• Why do I want to pass this on?
• Would I want people to know this kind of information about me?
• How will this person feel if he/she knows this information will be spread?
• Will spreading this rumor reduce his status or cause exclusion?

2. Make the rumor stop with you. Take a stand.

3. Don’t be an audience. “I’m not interested. Thanks.”

4. Respect privacy. If it’s private, don’t spread it.

Our 7^th and 8^th graders also experienced the power of gossip when Ms. Debbie Nehmad came to speak to them on Wednesday. She shared her first- hand story of how she was in 8^th grade and through a chat group, gossip was spread about her and made her an outcast. For 1 ½ years she experienced bullying and social exclusion in person and on the web, which even followed her to her new high school. She shared the terrible emotional state she was in and how she even began to believe that the way she was being treated by others was actually how she deserved to be treated. Debbie shared her story with the students as a reminder of how powerful their actions can be, even if their intention is to “make a joke” or only inflict a “little” harm. There was an overwhelming reaction from the students. They had numerous questions to ask, and when she left they shared with me what an impact she made on them. Here was a real-life person who experienced such pain and actualized for them much of which they learn about in Advisory.

In thinking about it, I believe that focusing on the harmful effects of gossip was perfectly timed to occur the week before Pesach. In essence, gossip or Lashon Hara is what brought us to Mitzrayim in the first place. In the Haggadah it describes that Yaakov went down to Egypt “Anus al pi hadibbur.” We usually translate those words as “compelled by the Divine decree.” In a haggadah called the Commentator’s Haggadah , by Yitzchak Sender, he quotes the Maggid of Plotzk, (a student of the Vilna Gaon), from the Siddur Shaar Rachamim, to explain these words differently. He says that the words al pi hadibbur mean “because of the words/speech” of Lashon Hara that Yoseph spoke against his brothers. He adds that Yoseph got the sin for speaking it and Yaakov sinned by listening to it. (Which is an interesting point to share with our children. We encourage them not to pass on gossip. How about not listening to it in the first place!) The Maggid says that the punishment for this Lashon Hara was the exile in Egypt.

In 2008, it was also was a Jewish leap year. Rabbi Mayer Twerski pointed out then that this allowed the parshiot of Tazria and Metzora- parshiot that deal with the halachot of tzara’at (a leprosy- like disease), which was a punishment for speaking Lashon Hara, to be closer to Pesach. It is very fitting that we focus on the sin of Lashon Hara and its consequences before Pesach, as he also states that the exile of Mitzrayim was caused and prolonged by Lashon Hara. He refers too to the Lashon Hara of Yoseph. He then quotes another proof from Shemot 2:14. After Moshe killed the Egyptian he then sees two Jews fighting and tries to stop them. One of the Jews says, “Are you going to kill us like you killed the Egyptian?” The pasuk then states that Moshe was afraid, since “…behold the matter is known.” The pshat is that the matter was now known that Moshe killed the Egyptian. The Midrash says something different. Moshe had been wondering what terrible sins the Jews had committed to be worthy of such slavery. Now he understood! Clearly people had been gossiping about the crime he had committed. This nation was full of people who speak Lashon hara. How will they ever be redeemed?

Rabbi Frand quotes the Chofetz Chayim on this puzzling Midrash. We know the Jews had sunk to the 49^th level of impurity- why could Moshe not figure out the cause of their exile? The Chofetz Chaim states that Lashon Hara is THE sin that causes G-d to not to be able to overlook all of our other sins. “If you focus on the negative, I will focus on the negative as well.” The way we judge others is the way G-d judges us. Once Lashon Hara was prevalent among the Jews, He could not overlook their other sins, and they were worthy of Exile.

In fact, this issue of Lashon Hara appears elsewhere when Moshe received his mission from G-d. Moshe was worried no one would believe him and Hashem told him to do three signs before Pharaoh when he first came to him- To turn a staff into a snake, the water into blood and place his hand in his bosom and remove it and it would be full of tzara’at. But, that last sign of tzara’at was not shown to the Egyptians. Why? Hashem said to Moshe that it should be a sign for “you.” Rashi 4:6 comments why the tzara’at? “A hint for Moshe that he spoke Lashon Hara about the Jews when he said, “They will not listen to me.’” (A snake also often represents Lashon Hara- a loose tongue).

In these days before Pesach as we clean our house from Chametz, we also need to cleanse ourselves from bad character traits and sin. Gossip causes much pain on the interpersonal level and on the national level. This past week, our middle schoolers had the opportunity to think about how they can prevent bullying and gossip, and how they can bring the Redemption one step closer.

L’shana haba’a b’Yerushalayim!

_____________________________________________________________________________

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- Focused on the topic of gossip in today’s world of technology.

7^th Grade- As part of their political action unit “Do Not Stand Idly By” they have learned about the BDS movement that threatens Israel and the role they can play.

8^th Grade- As part of unit on The Changing Parent-Child Relationship in Adolescence they discussed, “What if they could switch places with their parents?” Would we understand each other better? What issues is the other facing? 

Everyday Miracles

            "An amazing instance of right place at the right time..." stated The Week magazine. I beg to differ.  This past week, in Burbank,  California,  Konrad and Jennifer Lightner were moving and carrying their mattress out into the street.   Suddenly, they looked up and saw a three year old boy dangling from a chord out of a third-floor window.  Konrad positioned the mattress under the boy, and broke his fall.  Amazing, yes. How about the Hand of G-d?

            Months ago, Tony Gonzalez of the Atlanta Falcons retired.   "Thirteen years ago, Gonzalez was tackled out of bounds and sent crashing towards photographer Mickey Pfleger."  Gonzalez's 240 lbs practically flattened the much smaller Pfleger, knocking him unconscious.  Gonzalez felt terrible and checked in on Pfleger.  He found out days later that Pfleger had had a seizure, and the medical team performed an MRI.   The MRI revealed a brain tumor  which was life-threatening.  Over the years, when Gonzalez and Pfleger would see each other, Pfleger hugged Gonzalez and reminded him how he was supposed to be leveled by Gonzalez, supposed to have a seizure and all that to save his life.  Coincidence? I think not.  The Hand of  G-d.  At the time, no one could have realized G-d's plan, as Yonatan Rosenblum reported.

            These newsworthy items are "teachable moments" for our children.  How can we help them see the Hand of G-d in their daily lives?  It need not be the saving of a person's life.  It can be the small things that often go unnoticed- the forgetting of your jacket  only to run in and see you also left your homework on the table.  Phew! Or, how about not making it on to the basketball team, only to be available for the new soccer team that was just started and thereby becoming the star player? 

            When I was in seventh grade, I had a teacher named Mrs. Naomi Sutton. I will never forget many of the activities and assignments we did that year.  One such activity was a "Hashgacha Pratit" (Divine providence) journal where we had to record when we saw the Hand of  Hashem in our lives.  It absolutely changed the way I perceived G-d in my life. It also changed my relationship with G-d. More importantly, it changed the way I davened.

            Helping teens connect to Tefilla has been a topic on my mind for some time.  Over the years, I have been privileged to be involved in a number of activities that I believe did make a difference in the ability of adolescents to connect to Davening. I am always searching for new answers.

            In a recent article found in the Jewish Action magazine of the OU, written by Steve Lipman, they discussed why students have such a hard time with Tefilla. In fact, Chana Tannenbaum of Bar Ilan University surveyed more than 350 Yeshiva Day School graduates who were spending their year in Israel.  When she asked them whether "Tefilla was a spiritually uplifting event," only 16.4% said it was in contrast to the "20% ... who found participation in a sports team to be fairly or extremely meaningful to their religious growth."  In truth, rather than davening by rote, we want our teens' Tefilla to be "a genuine connection with,  a conversation with, the Creator." 

            The best way to have them think about that connection during Tefilla is to have them think about it often.   I want my students to think about G-d - not only when they are in shul or in Chumash class.  I want them to search Him out  in their daily lives.

            The story of Eldad and Meidad in Bamidbar 11:24-29, struck me in a new way this past week, (as I tested my son on his test material!) .  The new elders appointed to lead the Jewish nation were to go to the Mishkan and the Presence of Hashem dwelled upon them and they prophesied.  But, two elders, Eldad and Meidad, who felt they were unworthy, stayed in the camp and prophesied there.   When he heard, Yehoshua wanted to imprison them.  Moshe, on the other  hand, disagreed and said, "If only all of Hashem's people could be prophets and Hashem would put His spirit upon them."   If only we all could speak to Hashem as a prophet does,  and feel His presence at all times.  We would be able to see Him daily, and we would be better "daveners" and better people.  We would want to do the right thing if we truly felt Hashem was watching.

            The holiday of Pesach is full of miracles and obvious demonstrations of  the Hand of Hashem. The climax of the Exodus is Keriat Yam Suf- the splitting of the Red Sea.  Rabbi Tzvi Sobolofsky points out that one may notice that that incredible miracle is found in Parashat Beshalach- the same parasha as the man(manna) , slav (quail), the finding of  water in the desert and the battle against Amalek.  This is not merely a lesson in chronology.

            There are two ways to respond to the outright miracles of the Exodus.  One could be like Amalek "asher karcha baderech" who claim that everything is "mikreh" a coincidence.  Even the splitting of the sea could be explained away with unusual natural phenomena.  They are skeptical.

             The other way to respond to a miracle is by saying that it was a one time demonstration of Hashem's daily involvement in the world.  The Ramban in Parshat Bo explains that "the ultimate purpose of a revealed miracle is to enable people to realize that they are surrounded by miracles every day. What the world calls nature is also a miracle." To prevent one from saying that he/she recognized miracles such as the splitting of the sea, but not everyday miracles,  the story of Keriat Yam Suf is immediately followed by the events of the slav, man, and the finding of water in the desert. Hashem, who performs great miracles, also provides for our daily needs such as food and water. As we say daily in Shmoneh Esrei,  "...for Your miracles which are with us daily, and for Your continual wonders and beneficences."

            Rabbi Knapp, (I hope it is okay that I share without his permission), mentioned that he often does an exercise with his own children, "Where did you see Hashem in your life today?"  Do we ever ask our children to seek Him out?  Pesach is the holiday where the Jewish people create and craft their relationship with G-d.    May the lessons of  Pesach last all year long, as we continually challenge our children to find the Hand of G-d, create a relationship with Him, and to talk to Him, at least three times a day.