Lech Lecha- See It, Say It, Do It

"Challenge by choice" and "Step outside of your comfort zone"- these are some of the themes our 7th graders lived the past few days at our Frost Valley retreat.   Each year the students leave mostly excited, yet with some worries. These "worries" may be about the physical activities, (all students choose the activity level with which they are comfortable, but some still worry), or social interactions (Will I like my room? Will I feel included?).  For some it is their first time away from home, and for some the first time not being in contact with their parents for a length of time.  Some of these concerns stem from hesitations of facing the unknown.  After the three days, all students return elated and proud of the "worries" they overcame on this trip.

As our children enter middle school, and embark on their journey towards adulthood,  they will have to face many worries and fears without us there to help.  What are some techniques that we as parents can teach them to help them overcome anxieties and fears?

In this week's Parasha, Hashem turns to Avraham and challenges him to step out of his comfort zone and go on his own journey by commanding "Lech lecha martzecha, umimoladetecha and umibeit avicha el haaretz asher arekah" "Leave your land, your birthplace and the house of your father to the land which I will show you."  It is as if Hashem is stressing with Avraham how hard it will be for him to leave that which is familiar to him and choose to challenge himself with the unknown.  How does Avraham overcome those fears?

As parents, when our children are faced with anxiety is it hard for us to resist the temptation to become "heroes" and save them from their fears.  (Assuming their fears are "normal" parts of adolescence and do not overly impact their daily living).   At some point we need to say, "This is part of life, and YOU need to go through this."  Hashem said to Avraham, "Lech lecha" - go for you.  Even though as parents it is painful for us to let go and allow you to experience life's challenges, it is good for you. It is for your self-development.

Hashem is sending him to a land that He will "show him." Even though Avraham never physically saw the Land, Hashem will help him visualize it.

And, in fact, later in the parasha, Hashem turns to Avraham and says, "Al tirah Avraham"  "Do not be afraid, Avraham."  After Avraham's answer that he does not have children, Hashem responds in 15:5,

"And He brought him outside, and said: 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars, are you able to count them'; and He said to him: 'So shall your seed (children) be.'"  Again, when dealing with Avraham's fears, Hashem shows him something and helps him visualize his progeny, even though they do not yet physically exist.

I took some poetic license above, and highlighted the use of the technique of visualization in dealing with Avraham's anxieties and fears.  Research indicates that the technique of visualization is effective in reducing anxiety and even in achieving success.

On a most basic level, we know that athletes often use the technique of visualization to envision the actual swing, or shooting the basket, which often leads to success.  Their actual skill improves by "mental rehearsal." While in a Russian prison, Natan Sharansky played mental chess for nine years. Then, in 1996 he won a game against world champion chess player Garry Kasparov.

"A study looking at brain patterns in weightlifters found that the patterns activated when a weightlifter lifted hundreds of pounds were similarly activated when they only imagined lifting.  In some cases, research has revealed that mental practices are almost effective as true physical practice, and that doing both is more effective than either alone. For instance, in his study on everyday people, Guang Yue, an exercise psychologist from Cleveland Clinic Foundation in Ohio, compared 'people who went to the gym with people who carried out virtual workouts in their heads.'  He found that a 30% muscle increase in the group who went to the gym. However, the group of participants who conducted mental exercises of the weight training increased muscle strength by almost half as much (13.5%). This average remained for 3 months following the mental training."

This research would carry over to any fearful situation or a skill or task at which one wishes to improve.  Your child is fearful of swimming? Have him imagine, visualize or mentally rehearse walking to the pool, approaching the edge etc.  Visualization has been found to enhance motivation, increase confidence and improve performance.

How does one visualize? Set a goal and imagine the future as if you have achieved your goal.  You then create a mental picture of it as if it is happening right now.  Attempt to imagine as many details as possible, and you need feel as it is happening.

Here are some steps, according to Cathy Puet Miller:

1. Internalization: See your goal in your mind's eye

2. Externalization: Imagine the situation when you've attained your goal- this time with your eyes open

3. Forecasting: This requires expanding on externalization. Play out a whole scenario in your mind. See how people behave towards you. What else is happening?

4. Emotionalization: Focus on all of the positive emotions you will have when you achieve your goal.

5. Verbalization: Picture your goals and the scenario you painted during your forecasting exercise. Say out loud what the scenario is that you see.

Dr. Sarah Radcliffe calls this visualization “positive imagination.”  She says that anxious children are experts in “negative imagination” as they always anticipate the worst.  So, if a child is afraid of making a fool of himself in front of the class when presenting his oral presentation, instead of telling him, “Oh, that won’t happen,” have him envision his successful execution of the speech, and winning top speaker.  After using this technique often enough, children can “’see’ good marks on a test, a successful sleepover, a safe flight…As the child makes these happy endings, he is simultaneously rewiring his nervous brain, laying down the circuitry for confidence and security.”

Visualization also helps students with reading comprehension, as according to Keene and Zimmerman in the book Mosaic of Thought, "Proficient readers spontaneously and purposely create mental images while and after they read. The images emerge from all five senses as well as the emotions and are anchored in a reader's prior knowledge.  Each day, our students are bombarded with the visual images of TV and video games. In contrast, most students view reading as a passive activity. But a simple technique -- visualization -- can transform students of all ages from passive to active readers; visualization can help students cross the boundary to improved comprehension.”

Dr. Lynn Hellerstein, in her book See It Say It Do It, says that along with the “see it” (visualization) should come the “say it” – say out loud a declaration of your vision and confidence, (I can swim well! I can keep my head under water! I love swimming!”  And, then that all leads to “do it.”

As parents of teens we say ‘Lech lecha” to them as they grow older. As they gain the skills to envision their goals, they are on the path to independence and resiliency.

Continuing The Chain- In Tribute To My Grandmother

 This past week, as we returned to school and real life after the chag, we educators noted that it was the first whole week of school in some time. As we all got back into the swing of things, my life was still not quite back to normal, as my mother was sitting shiva for my grandmother, a”h, who passed away on Chol HaMoed. My grandmother, Edith (Esther) Haberman, was 92 years old. Although she had been ill for many years, the sadness is still palpable. She was a Holocaust survivor who survived the war with false papers provided to her by Raoul Wallenberg, and lived as a worker in a laundry in a hotel which served as Nazi headquarters. Her miraculous survival, and her numerous brushes with death were inspirational. But, more than anything, I knew her as my Bobbi, who with her Hungarian accent and her love of life, transmitted a confidence in oneself. Whenever I was with her I felt that no one was more special, prettier, smarter and kinder than I. She knew exactly what to say to make you feel better. No matter how old I get, I will always miss her arm in mine.

As I think about my grandmother, I realize that being a child of survivors, my mother never knew her grandparents. I also think about, yibadel l'chayim, the privilege that most of our children today do have of knowing their grandparents. There is something essential in this grandparent- grandchild relationship.

In today's America, which emphasizes youth, the elderly are not particularly venerated. Rabbi Moshe Grylak, writes that in Parashat Noach we witness first hand what happens when the young have no reverence for the “older generation,” as we see the difference between the way Cham and his brothers Shem and Yefet reacted when they found Noach drunk. Cham, “saw his father was exposed, and he told his two brothers outside,” with no effort to help his father. On the other hand, “Shem and Yefet took the robe and placed it on the shoulder of each of them, and walking backward, they covered their father with their faces turned back, and they did not see their father's uncovered state.” Rabbi Grylak asserts that Shem and Yefet had “respect for the past... Through their noble conduct, they showed that if the past is disdained, there is no present and no future. They knew a man cannot start a new civilization all by himself, independent of the heritage he received from his predecessors...” This story of Noach, according to Grylak, is like what Nobel Prize winner Konrad Lorenz wrote in Civilized Man's Eight Deadly Sins. “The revolt of many of the younger generation toward their parents shows a good measure of conceited contempt, but no understanding... In other words, today's rebellious youth reacts to the older generation in the same way that a culture group or 'ethnic' group reacts to a foreign, hostile one.”

We know that in Judaism, disdain for the older generation is unacceptable, as they transmit the Mesorah and tie us to our past. However, even modern day research demonstrates that there needs to be more of an effort to connect our youth with their grandparents. A 2011 study indicated that adolescents who have close relationships with their grandparents, (who do not live with them), are more likely to engage in positive social behaviors, have high school engagement, and are more prone to help others who are not friends or family members. Clearly, we need to make more effort to create these grandparent- grandchild connections. (Yes, the grandparents out there are paying me to say so!)

Why is this bond so important? There are various roles grandparents play, according to Patricia Holmes.

1. Family Historian/Living Ancestor- They share stories about the past and important traditions. Hearing these stories provides children with a sense of their place within the family, and “contributes to family identity.”
2. Nurturer, Mentor and Role Model- Grandparents may come by to babysit and do carpool when needed, but also can become confidantes to their grandchildren. They provide advice and serve as role models of the “good old values.”
3. Playmate, Wizard and Hero- Often grandparents come by just to play with their grandchildren. As “wizard” they often mesmerize the children with their “tricks.” As hero, they can be there with an non-judgmental listening ear- always there to provide support. Especially in adolescence, when parent-child conflict might increase, grandparents can encourage positive development without disciplining negative behavior.

It is interesting to note that on each Shabbat, as we bless our sons, we utilize a beracha that Yaakov gave to his grandchildren, Menashe and Ephraim, not his children. When we think of Jewish continuity, this is expressed better with a beracha from grandfather to grandchild. As Rabbi Berel Wein shared, the “Talmud teachers us that if there be three consecutive generations of Torah scholars in a family then the Torah always finds an ability to make a home for itself in that family.” So, it is now up to Menashe and Ephraim to ensure the Jewish future. This is what the Mesorah is all about. Yaakov was able to bridge the “generation gap,” which was vast, as Menashe and Ephraim were raised as Egyptians. Yet “distance in time and place did not detract from their ability to bond.” When we learn Torah, we can overcome that generation gap- as we all are another link in the chain back to Har Sinai. How essential is that grandparent- grandchild link.

What if a child does not have grandparents? Research indicates that connections with the elderly in general are beneficial to the social development of children. Visits to nursing homes or even encouraging children to engage with the elderly in shul or on their block, are at times uncomfortable for children, but can provide them with essential life skills.

My grandmother Esther bat Pinchas, served as the link to my ancestral past- although we wish we would have asked her more questions about her life when she could have answered. She served as nurturer, as she listened to me and stepped in whenever my parents needed support- no matter how far away we lived. She was a playmate, as I vividly recall the paper dolls she drew, the songs she sang with us and even the games she played. She was a role model and my hero, as I clearly sensed her Emunah and optimism for life no matter what challenges she faced. Like Esther of the Purim story, she had to hide her identity and was fearful for her life. And, like Esther's other name, “Hadassah” (Myrtle) she was like the myrtle leaves whose sweet fragrance can only be released when the leaves are bruised and crushed. My grandmother had a hard life, and was “bruised and crushed,” and yet that sweet fragrance prevailed. She and my grandfather taught me, by being living examples, not to give up and to always believe in the salvation of Hashem. I pray that we, the grandchildren, will provide them with the Nachat they deserve as we continue the next link in the chain with our children.

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Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- - Through role playing they learned the important skills needed in group discussions. They also had the opportunity to share with each other the positive and negatives of how sixth grade is going so far.

Seventh Grade- They learned the skills of Assertive Listening in their communication skills unit.

Eighth Grade- Students discussed, “How do you choose a high school?” What elements go into their decision making? They also were able to view some of the applications on-line.   

From Stress to Serenity

 “From Stress To Serenity- Reducing Anxiety In The Home” was the topic of our parent workshop this past Wednesday evening. Dr. Norman Blumenthal, the Director of Trauma, Relief and Bereavement Response at Ohel was the guest presenter. Thank you to all those who attended. We know that it is never easy to run out of the house as children are clamoring for your attention. Or... perhaps since it is so hectic at home, coming to workshops is one way to acquire some serenity?

Throughout the ages, parents have been seeking serenity.  Even thousands of years ago, in the time of the Tanach, our patriarch Yaakov- father to a very large family (he definitely needed a break), sought serenity. As it says in Rashi on the 2nd Pasuk in Parashat Vayeshev, 37:2,  on the words from the first pasuk "Vayeshev Yaakov b'eretz migurei aviv b'eretz Canaan" - And, Yaakov settled in the land where his father lived, the land of Canaan."  Rashi says, “Bikesh Yaakov leyshev b’shalva’” “Yaakov requested to dwell in peace and tranquility- serenity.”

Yaakov sought out serenity after fleeing from Eisav all those years.  Was Yaakov successful? Unfortunately not, as Rashi ends “Kafatz alav rogzo shel Yosef’” “The tragedy of Yosef (and his sale) was thrust upon him.” Yaakov's family entered a new era of stress.

Likewise, as parents, this serenity in our homes is often elusive.  Even Yaakov was unable to achieve it. What is the secret? Let me first share with you some of Dr. Blumethal's ideas (in red), and then I will relay my own, as they relate to the Yamim Noraim (in blue).

Dr. Blumenthal discussed some reasons why anxiety in children is at an all-time high- higher than during World War II or the Depression. We are safer and more secure as a society and as Jews more than during any time in history. Then why are our children so anxious? Dr. Blumenthal asserted that our children are too safe. We “bubble wrap” our children so that they never experience failure or challenges, so when they need to face any difficulties they do not have the skills to cope. He gave the example of playgrounds nowadays where they have removed all high equipment, swings and anything that could possibly cause a fall. And, yet research shows that children who have small falls, have decreased fear of heights. We need to provide our children with reasonable challenges and difficulties in life.

Today's society is also full of parents who are hesitant to provide structure, rules and consequences to children. Children need structure, discipline and limits to feel secure. Dr. Blumenthal stressed that children are supposed to misbehave, and we are supposed to enforce limits.

Some other sources of anxiety for children today are the “cookie cutter” syndrome. We expect all of our children to be the same, receive the same education, and go into the same professions, without any regard for the need of every child to be unique. As parents, we need to accept our children for their talents and uniqueness and not push them to be what they weren't meant to be. And, along these lines, we often compare our children to others, which causes anxiety.

Dr. Blumenthal ended with three ideas. First, Nachat is a source of stress. Who said as parents we are entitled to Nachat from our children? Let's stop putting so much pressure, and allow them to perform for themselves. Second, living in the age of the internet, where they are exposed to information from which our parents sheltered us, creates a level of anxiety. They live in an age where they are “entitled to know,” and we need to tell them before they hear it from their peers. Additionally, as “helicopter parents” we feel we need to know everything about our children at all times. Cellphones, nannycams- we must always be connected. This creates a myth that we must always be aware of what our children are doing . We need to calm down as parents and realize that it is not realistic to know everything. Third, our children are living in “generation lockdown” with the threat of terrorism closer to home. This also creates anxiety. Dr. Blumenthal did end the evening stating that our children are strong and resilient, and they can deal with anxiety if we teach them how to cope.

In the tefilla “Unetaneh tokef” that we say on Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur we also yearn for a year of serenity as we say, “Mi yishalev u'mi yityasar” “who will enjoy tranquility/serenity and who will suffer?” Just like Yaakov Avinu, we also seek out “shalva” But, the tefilla itself provides us with the key to achieving that serenity “Teshuva, Tefilla, U'tzedakah” “Repentance, prayer and charity.”

Repentance includes the Teshuva process and the fasting. Yom Kippur is a day, according to Rabbi Berel Wein, “of serenity and inner yearning for the better part of ourselves to assert itself. One of the great lessons of Yom Kippur is that inner serenity is achievable only be a degree of separation from the worldly pursuits that press constantly upon us.” As parents too, focusing on our own internal growth is essential. Likewise, our ability to push out the rest of the world, (and the work e-mails!), and truly be present with our children is one way to achieve serenity.

“Tefilla” is truly an exercise in introspection. We know that the word “l'hitpallel” “to pray” really means to “judge oneself.” The Jews of older generations would spend an hour before tefilla preparing for prayer. Pondering ones spiritual status and where one is headed is a secret to achieving serenity. As parents, taking some “me time” for self-improvement is important to becoming better Jews and better parents.

The commentary on the Machzor of Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik explains that “Tzedakah” - charity- is an expression of selflessness, empathy and compassion. It is the opposite of sin, which is the result of “selfishness, when temptation overrules sacred principles.” The ability to connect with others and realize “it's not all about me” is another path to serenity. As parents, when we have the ability to realize that every time our child does not excel, it is not necessarily a reflection of our failings. If we are honest with ourselves, much of the pressure we put on our children and on ourselves to make sure all is “perfect,” is to ensure that people do not wonder about the quality of his/her parents. Once we are able to focus on them and not what their behavior reflects about us, calm can set in.

But, as Dr. Blumenthal added, some anxiety is good for a person. Just the right amount- not too much and not too little- spurs on effort and the will to perform. So too, during the Aseret Yimei Teshuva, when we are anxious about the decree for the coming year and being forgiven, we do “perform better,” and engage in mitzvot and in our Judaism as we probably should all year long. May the positive anxiety we feel during this Yamim Noraim season lead to increased serenity all year long.
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Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Did not have Advisory this week due to Selichot and extended Tefillot.

Seventh Grade- Focused on the basic communication skills needed for effective interactions with others. They began to learn the importance of utilizing “I messages” in discussing with others.

Eighth Grade- They discussed the plot of “Who Moved My Cheese?” as a metaphor for learning how to cope with change and difficulties in life. The message of the importance of change is a timely one for this time of year.