Lech Lecha- See It, Say It, Do It

"Challenge by choice" and "Step outside of your comfort zone"- these are some of the themes our 7th graders lived the past few days at our Frost Valley retreat.   Each year the students leave mostly excited, yet with some worries. These "worries" may be about the physical activities, (all students choose the activity level with which they are comfortable, but some still worry), or social interactions (Will I like my room? Will I feel included?).  For some it is their first time away from home, and for some the first time not being in contact with their parents for a length of time.  Some of these concerns stem from hesitations of facing the unknown.  After the three days, all students return elated and proud of the "worries" they overcame on this trip.

As our children enter middle school, and embark on their journey towards adulthood,  they will have to face many worries and fears without us there to help.  What are some techniques that we as parents can teach them to help them overcome anxieties and fears?

In this week's Parasha, Hashem turns to Avraham and challenges him to step out of his comfort zone and go on his own journey by commanding "Lech lecha martzecha, umimoladetecha and umibeit avicha el haaretz asher arekah" "Leave your land, your birthplace and the house of your father to the land which I will show you."  It is as if Hashem is stressing with Avraham how hard it will be for him to leave that which is familiar to him and choose to challenge himself with the unknown.  How does Avraham overcome those fears?

As parents, when our children are faced with anxiety is it hard for us to resist the temptation to become "heroes" and save them from their fears.  (Assuming their fears are "normal" parts of adolescence and do not overly impact their daily living).   At some point we need to say, "This is part of life, and YOU need to go through this."  Hashem said to Avraham, "Lech lecha" - go for you.  Even though as parents it is painful for us to let go and allow you to experience life's challenges, it is good for you. It is for your self-development.

Hashem is sending him to a land that He will "show him." Even though Avraham never physically saw the Land, Hashem will help him visualize it.

And, in fact, later in the parasha, Hashem turns to Avraham and says, "Al tirah Avraham"  "Do not be afraid, Avraham."  After Avraham's answer that he does not have children, Hashem responds in 15:5,

"And He brought him outside, and said: 'Look now toward heaven, and count the stars, are you able to count them'; and He said to him: 'So shall your seed (children) be.'"  Again, when dealing with Avraham's fears, Hashem shows him something and helps him visualize his progeny, even though they do not yet physically exist.

I took some poetic license above, and highlighted the use of the technique of visualization in dealing with Avraham's anxieties and fears.  Research indicates that the technique of visualization is effective in reducing anxiety and even in achieving success.

On a most basic level, we know that athletes often use the technique of visualization to envision the actual swing, or shooting the basket, which often leads to success.  Their actual skill improves by "mental rehearsal." While in a Russian prison, Natan Sharansky played mental chess for nine years. Then, in 1996 he won a game against world champion chess player Garry Kasparov.

"A study looking at brain patterns in weightlifters found that the patterns activated when a weightlifter lifted hundreds of pounds were similarly activated when they only imagined lifting.  In some cases, research has revealed that mental practices are almost effective as true physical practice, and that doing both is more effective than either alone. For instance, in his study on everyday people, Guang Yue, an exercise psychologist from Cleveland Clinic Foundation in Ohio, compared 'people who went to the gym with people who carried out virtual workouts in their heads.'  He found that a 30% muscle increase in the group who went to the gym. However, the group of participants who conducted mental exercises of the weight training increased muscle strength by almost half as much (13.5%). This average remained for 3 months following the mental training."

This research would carry over to any fearful situation or a skill or task at which one wishes to improve.  Your child is fearful of swimming? Have him imagine, visualize or mentally rehearse walking to the pool, approaching the edge etc.  Visualization has been found to enhance motivation, increase confidence and improve performance.

How does one visualize? Set a goal and imagine the future as if you have achieved your goal.  You then create a mental picture of it as if it is happening right now.  Attempt to imagine as many details as possible, and you need feel as it is happening.

Here are some steps, according to Cathy Puet Miller:

1. Internalization: See your goal in your mind's eye

2. Externalization: Imagine the situation when you've attained your goal- this time with your eyes open

3. Forecasting: This requires expanding on externalization. Play out a whole scenario in your mind. See how people behave towards you. What else is happening?

4. Emotionalization: Focus on all of the positive emotions you will have when you achieve your goal.

5. Verbalization: Picture your goals and the scenario you painted during your forecasting exercise. Say out loud what the scenario is that you see.

Dr. Sarah Radcliffe calls this visualization “positive imagination.”  She says that anxious children are experts in “negative imagination” as they always anticipate the worst.  So, if a child is afraid of making a fool of himself in front of the class when presenting his oral presentation, instead of telling him, “Oh, that won’t happen,” have him envision his successful execution of the speech, and winning top speaker.  After using this technique often enough, children can “’see’ good marks on a test, a successful sleepover, a safe flight…As the child makes these happy endings, he is simultaneously rewiring his nervous brain, laying down the circuitry for confidence and security.”

Visualization also helps students with reading comprehension, as according to Keene and Zimmerman in the book Mosaic of Thought, "Proficient readers spontaneously and purposely create mental images while and after they read. The images emerge from all five senses as well as the emotions and are anchored in a reader's prior knowledge.  Each day, our students are bombarded with the visual images of TV and video games. In contrast, most students view reading as a passive activity. But a simple technique -- visualization -- can transform students of all ages from passive to active readers; visualization can help students cross the boundary to improved comprehension.”

Dr. Lynn Hellerstein, in her book See It Say It Do It, says that along with the “see it” (visualization) should come the “say it” – say out loud a declaration of your vision and confidence, (I can swim well! I can keep my head under water! I love swimming!”  And, then that all leads to “do it.”

As parents of teens we say ‘Lech lecha” to them as they grow older. As they gain the skills to envision their goals, they are on the path to independence and resiliency.