Mi Lashem Eilai- Chanukah And The Social Lives Of Our Teens

“Mi lashem eilai” – Whoever is for Hashem come with me.  Chanukah is the holiday combatting the concepts of cliques (social exclusion), and negative peer pressure. You have to excuse me, as I just heard Dr. Norman Blumenthal present last week on the parent’s role in navigating a child’s social life, so my view of Chanukah was with these lenses. When Matityahu said, “Mi lashem eilai” – he was proclaiming that everyone- no matter who- can be a part of this movement.  All were welcome, as it was not an exclusive group.

Additionally, we know that by proclaiming “Mi lashem eilai” Matityahu was stating that no matter how pervasive the Greek culture is that surrounds them, and no matter how strong the “peer pressure” was to worship idols, they would stand up to that pressure and do the right thing.  The neis of Chanukah includes “Rabim b’yad m’atim” – the many in the hands of the few. The story demonstrates that even if the pressure that surrounds you is “great” the few who do the right thing can win over.  One need not give into the masses, even if it is difficult.

Dr. Blumenthal explained why the phenomenon of “cliques” is so common in the Middle School years.  During this time of preadolescence to adolescence they are switching their primary focus from their family unit to their peers as they “individuate.”  But, they are still transitioning, and not quite independent yet, and are still yearning for some sort of “family unit.”  They create a peer family in Middle School. Unfortunately, this creates some hurt as there are those who feel left out.

What is the best response to a child who is feeling left out, according to Dr. Blumenthal?  After you first empathize, it is important to help them move on and demonstrate to them how not to make fitting in to that group so important.  How your child deals with peer rejection will help him or her deal with more intensive disappointments later in life. 

Dr. Blumenthal talked about how the social lives of our kids have changed due to the advent of technology. Loweer levels of empathy and loss of privacy are two results, according to the research. (Imagine if Matityahu had access to social media- how quickly his army would have grown!)

I want to add another result of the growth of technology use among our teens.  The most obvious change is that we always knew that kids can say hurtful things to each other, but social media and the internet give them a safe outlet to express things they might not otherwise say face-to-face. Additionally, in the past, if someone said an insulting comment to you, you could go home and try to put it out of your mind. Today, the comment is always there in cyberspace, follows you to yhour house, and spreads quickly among your peers.

In a less obvious way, Instagram has changed social interactions as well. Our teens are posting photos of moments they experience.  Often, these are social gatherings where another peer was not invited.  It is inevitable that another child will be hurt- why wasn’t she invited to the sleepover?  Instead of dealing with these hurt feelings and “moving on” teens begin to check Instagram more frequently to see if they are excluded again.   True, as Dr.  Blumenthal said, your teen will not always be invited, and sometimes he needs to “tough it up” and deal with not being invited.  On the other hand, we need to sensitize our children how hurtful postings can be, and the potential distress they can cause.  In the “olden days” when we sent out invitations and not all were invited, we asked those who were invited to be discreet as to not hurt the feelings of others.  I want my children to be just as sensitive when posting on Instagram.  True, there is peer pressure to post those moments- as you look like a “loser” if you aren’t posting. Yet, it is about resisting that pressure to do that right thing.

As parents, it is wonderful to provide our children with social experiences. It is important to model to our children that more important than being in the “in crowd” is doing the right thing and being sensitive to others.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade: Mazel Tov! Our sixth graders experienced a Mock Bar/ Bat Mitzvah where they had the opportunity to put into practice the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah Etiquette they had learned.  Rabbi Frankel played the Bar Mitzvah boy and I was the Bat Mitzvah girl. The students heard Divrei Torah, waited on line at a buffet, did a chesed project and danced. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed how to cope with the little stresses in life and how combatting negative thinking can help us cope.

Eighth Grade:  Students just recently completed their “Self- Evaluation” forms for high school where they record extra-curricular programming in which they were involved.  They had the opportunity to contemplate “What am I good at?” “What makes me unique?”, followed by a lesson highlighting the importance of doing good for its own sake. 

From Gratitude to "Gimmee"- The Battle Against Materialism

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Today I took my children on our yearly trip to the store to each pick out one toy to donate to the Chanukah Toy Drive.  It is one way we take a step back from all the commercialism that surround us during this season, and the lists they  have been making for the Chanukah presents they want to receive.  It is quite ironic that we begin this time of year with Thanksgiving, where we focus on being grateful for what we have, and then spend the rest of the month struck withthe case of the “gimmees” with yearning  for all that we don’t have.

This past week’s parasha speaks of the meeting of Eisav and Yaakov in Bereishit 33:8-9, 11), “[Eisav] said, ‘What is your relationship to this camp that I encountered?” And, [Yaakov] said, ‘[I sent it] in order to find favor in the eyes of my master.’  And Eisav said, ‘I have much, my brother, let what you have remain yours.’  [But, Yaakov replied] ‘G-d  has been kind to me, and I have everything.’ And, he persisted and [Eisav] took.”

The Chofetz Chaim on these words stresses the two different life outlooks that Eisav and Yaakov had.  Yaakov said, “I have everything”- I have all I need, and I have no need for anything more. Eisav, on the other hand,  said that he has “much,” but can always need more material possessions.  He will never acquire “everything” as he always wants more and more.  As we know “Eizehu ashir hasameach b’chelko.” “Who is rich? He who is happy with what he has.” 

How do we raise our teens with this Yaakov philosophy and not with the Eisav philosophy?

 Unfortunately, we are fighting a losing battle, as a recent research study by Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. Tim Kasser, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicates. They surveyed 355,000 high school students starting in the mid-1970’s until today to monitor materilistic values.  Teens were asked questions regarding how often they wanted a new car, or their views on being wealthy one day.  Today’s teens desire money more than in the 1970s.  However, even though their desire for wealth and material goods has increased, their desire to work hard to achieve that wealth has lessened.   They are less willing to work to earn what they want. They call this a “fantasy gap” and it is consistent with previous studies which indicate increased narcissism and entitlement.   Twenge says that teens mistakenly believe that the “good life” is the “goods life.” 

Kasser adds that placing intense importance on money and possessions is associated with depression and anxiety, according to his earlier research.

What can parents do to combat this increasing materialism?  Twenge suggests limiting exposure to advertising.  Advertising does not demonstrate the hard work that goes into obtaining the objects they are advertising.  Having a discussion about the advertisements is also impactful.  Parents should also talk to children about how much items in their lives cost, so they can have more realistic expectations about the income needed to obtain the objects they want.  As I wrote in my previous blog, helping teens focus on gratitude for what they have and what others are lacking is an important way for them to put less focus on objects they want. 

It was also found that children with low self-esteem were more likely to be materialistic, and they needed objects to make them “happy.” Children with high self-esteem find “happiness” through friendships, helping others and sports.  Research indicates that parents can decrease materialism by being accepting,  supportive and helping boost the self-esteem of their children, minimizing their need to use material objects to boost their self-images.

Clearly, we as parents often over-indulge our children, which can exacerbate the situation.  They often manipulate us by telling us that “everyone has it” and they will be misfits and outcasts if they don’t have that item.  The teenage need to fit in with peers includes the need to wear or have what everyone else has.  Due to actual neurodevelopment, adolescents often do not think about consequences and therefore,  the impact that their financial demands can make on the family is not usually their focus.  Whatever we can do to “just say, ‘No’” can help.  Instead of buying things for our children to show we care, we can try to spend time with them, (and not at the mall!)   

Some other ideas are:  Making them wait.  See if their desire for the object will die down if they do not get it right away.  Have your children prioritize what they want.  Setting an example, as with all behaviors is essential.  What is our own focus on materialistic objects? 

In a Christian newsletter I found on-line on the topic of materialism they encourage parents to ask their children the following regarding holiday presents:  “Have your teen make a list of the top five presents they want to receive.  Then ask: 1. What influenced you to rank your presents in this order? 2.  Do you think this present will be this important to you next year at this time? Why or why not?  3. Do these presents have any eternal significance to your life or another’s life? Do you think that should matter?  4. If we had the option to give our Holiday budget for presents to a needy family, would you agree to give a. all of it? b. half of it? c. some of it?  d. none of it?”

Experts also stress the importance of seeking out other families in the community who share similar values.  Luckily, Judaism highlights the fleeting nature of the material  and the everlasting nature of the spiritual. Within our own community/religion/culture we have the right messages if we reinforce them correctly.  By talking about the Eisav mentality which surrounds us with the our teens, in a frank manner, we can introduce them to the Yaakov mentality of being content with what one has . 

Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders began the “Hey Dude,  Don’t Be Rude” unit by focusing on Bar/Bat Mitzvah ettiquette and behavior.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on the secret to resiliency when it comes to facing adversity in life.

Eighth Grade:  “What Am I Good At?” was a question our eighth graders focused upon.  What makes them unique?