Mi Lashem Eilai- Chanukah And The Social Lives Of Our Teens

“Mi lashem eilai” – Whoever is for Hashem come with me.  Chanukah is the holiday combatting the concepts of cliques (social exclusion), and negative peer pressure. You have to excuse me, as I just heard Dr. Norman Blumenthal present last week on the parent’s role in navigating a child’s social life, so my view of Chanukah was with these lenses. When Matityahu said, “Mi lashem eilai” – he was proclaiming that everyone- no matter who- can be a part of this movement.  All were welcome, as it was not an exclusive group.

Additionally, we know that by proclaiming “Mi lashem eilai” Matityahu was stating that no matter how pervasive the Greek culture is that surrounds them, and no matter how strong the “peer pressure” was to worship idols, they would stand up to that pressure and do the right thing.  The neis of Chanukah includes “Rabim b’yad m’atim” – the many in the hands of the few. The story demonstrates that even if the pressure that surrounds you is “great” the few who do the right thing can win over.  One need not give into the masses, even if it is difficult.

Dr. Blumenthal explained why the phenomenon of “cliques” is so common in the Middle School years.  During this time of preadolescence to adolescence they are switching their primary focus from their family unit to their peers as they “individuate.”  But, they are still transitioning, and not quite independent yet, and are still yearning for some sort of “family unit.”  They create a peer family in Middle School. Unfortunately, this creates some hurt as there are those who feel left out.

What is the best response to a child who is feeling left out, according to Dr. Blumenthal?  After you first empathize, it is important to help them move on and demonstrate to them how not to make fitting in to that group so important.  How your child deals with peer rejection will help him or her deal with more intensive disappointments later in life. 

Dr. Blumenthal talked about how the social lives of our kids have changed due to the advent of technology. Loweer levels of empathy and loss of privacy are two results, according to the research. (Imagine if Matityahu had access to social media- how quickly his army would have grown!)

I want to add another result of the growth of technology use among our teens.  The most obvious change is that we always knew that kids can say hurtful things to each other, but social media and the internet give them a safe outlet to express things they might not otherwise say face-to-face. Additionally, in the past, if someone said an insulting comment to you, you could go home and try to put it out of your mind. Today, the comment is always there in cyberspace, follows you to yhour house, and spreads quickly among your peers.

In a less obvious way, Instagram has changed social interactions as well. Our teens are posting photos of moments they experience.  Often, these are social gatherings where another peer was not invited.  It is inevitable that another child will be hurt- why wasn’t she invited to the sleepover?  Instead of dealing with these hurt feelings and “moving on” teens begin to check Instagram more frequently to see if they are excluded again.   True, as Dr.  Blumenthal said, your teen will not always be invited, and sometimes he needs to “tough it up” and deal with not being invited.  On the other hand, we need to sensitize our children how hurtful postings can be, and the potential distress they can cause.  In the “olden days” when we sent out invitations and not all were invited, we asked those who were invited to be discreet as to not hurt the feelings of others.  I want my children to be just as sensitive when posting on Instagram.  True, there is peer pressure to post those moments- as you look like a “loser” if you aren’t posting. Yet, it is about resisting that pressure to do that right thing.

As parents, it is wonderful to provide our children with social experiences. It is important to model to our children that more important than being in the “in crowd” is doing the right thing and being sensitive to others.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade: Mazel Tov! Our sixth graders experienced a Mock Bar/ Bat Mitzvah where they had the opportunity to put into practice the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah Etiquette they had learned.  Rabbi Frankel played the Bar Mitzvah boy and I was the Bat Mitzvah girl. The students heard Divrei Torah, waited on line at a buffet, did a chesed project and danced. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed how to cope with the little stresses in life and how combatting negative thinking can help us cope.

Eighth Grade:  Students just recently completed their “Self- Evaluation” forms for high school where they record extra-curricular programming in which they were involved.  They had the opportunity to contemplate “What am I good at?” “What makes me unique?”, followed by a lesson highlighting the importance of doing good for its own sake.