Thanksgiving Every Day For Our Teens

Yesterday, I was in Massachusetts for my great aunt's funeral.  My Aunt Dorothy, a"h, was 99- a fiesty lady, with a love for Judaism, Tefilla, and music.   After the funeral, we had the opportunity to stop at the home of the family of Ezra Schwartz, a”h, to pay a shiva call. There were no words that could sufficiently express what we felt nor could we truly comfort the parents and siblings. When we arrived, the governor of Massachusetts was there. Ezra's mother shared with him a bit of the story of Ezra's last day, as she had heard from his friends. She shared that he initially did not intend to go on the chesed trip that day. He then found out that there would only be six boys available to go, and therefore felt he should go. He was very tired, and said, “I'll sleep on the bus.” He said to his friend, “Who knows if we'll have the same chance tomorrow?”|

Upon hearing this story, the Mishna in Avot 2:4 came to mind. The mishna states, “ Do not believe in yourself until the day of your death.” How does one know the day of one's death? One must live each day as if it is one's last.

One leaves as shiva visit like this one with great sadness, but also with the realization that one must be thankful for all one has. We often don't appreciate what we have until it is no longer there. We leave inspired to remind ourselves to be thankful, grateful and make the most of each moment of each day.

What better message to relay and with which to enter on Thanksgiving? How can we remind ourselves each day to be thankful?

In this past Shabbat's parashat hashavua, in Bereishit 28:16, Yaakov awakens from his dream and says, “|Indeed, Hashem is in this place, yet I did not know!" Yaakov did not notice that Hashem was with him until that moment. I maintain that that is what Thanksgiving is all about - noticing that Hashem is in our lives. What does that have to do with Thanksgiving, and how can we relay that message to our teens? I say, the answer is berachot. “Berachot?” you might ask.

Eytan Kobre in his article "The Thanksgiving Project"  speaks of the incredible opportunity that our daily berachot provide in our focusing on being "thankful" each day.   The Kuzari notes that making berachot on the physical act of eating  can "greatly heighten the pleasure we derive and our appreciation for simply being alive."  It's an opportunity to have a bit of Thanksgiving in our daily lives.

 As parents of teens, we always struggle with how to inculcate this realization in our children. In fact, Rabbi Jay Goldmintz shares that these “middle years” are a normal time for children to question. “At this stage of religious development, some have begun to feel the tug of alternatives to the way that they were brought up.” Rabbi Goldmintz has shared how difficult Tefillah is often for children in middle school.  

Tefilla might be hard for some of our teens, but how about berachot?  Each month I meet with students right before Rosh Chodesh to help them write the inscriptions that will be placed in the Chumashim that they will receive from Yavneh Academy in honor of their bar/bat mitzvah.  I ask the students to consider, now that they are obligated in mitzvot, which mitzvah would they choose to work on and improve?  Very often children choose "berachot" as the mitzvah. It's easy to do, and takes no time, and it warms my heart when students think that is an important mitzvah.   As parents, we can stress these simple daily berachot in our homes, and thereby stress daily thanksgiving and focus on “Hashem is in this place.”

How about inculcating some "Hashem is in in this place" into Thanksgiving itself?       

Rabbi Benjamin Yudin  quotes a pasuk in Tehillim "Zoveiach todah yachabdoneni" "One who offers an thanksiving offering honors Me." Rashi understands the word "todah" as "admission" or "confession" instead of "thanksgiving."  The word l'hodot means both to admit and to offer thanks.  Rav Hutner, z"l, in discussing the beracha of Modim in the Shmoneh Esrai, feels that the two definitions complement each other.  When one says "modim" one admits that he cannot do it alone and needs the assistance of Hashem.   Once one admits that, one can truly express appreciation and thanks for what one has.  That is what Hakarat HaTov, “recognizing the good,” is. First one must recognize that one is dependent, and then one can truly say "thanks." 

|Although Thanksgiving was not established by “the rabbis” it is a wonderful opportunity to help our children know that there is indeed Hashem in this place. We can be thankful each day as we say our berachot/blessings for all the blessings we have received. And, as Ezra, a”h, has taught us, to be thankful for each day and live it to the fullest.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade Advisory- Students began a unit called "Hey Dude, That's Rude"  - a unit on Manners and etiquette when it comes to interacting with others.

Seventh Grade Advisory-  As part of their empathy unit and Project Respect students focused on, Why do people become homeless?  How do we usually treat or feel about the homeless?

Eighth Grade Advisory-

Students began a unit on Parent-Child Relationship.

My High School Reunion And High School Choice

Last night was my high school reunion.  We all look exactly the same despite one of us being a grandmother!  (She and her daughter married young!)  We sat down with our classmates, and it felt like we had never left. 

This experience brought to mind a 2012 New York Magazine article, "Why You Truly Never Leave High School” by Jennifer Senior.  This article spoke to me as I attended my reunion and thought about who I had become, and as I sit with our eighth grades who are now choosing their high schools.

Senior describes how the high school years make a significant impact on the development of a person.  (This article contained numerous points of interest, which will definitely be fodder for future articles).  "Give a grown adult a series of random prompts and cues, and odds are he or she will recall a disproportionate number of memories from adolescence." This phenomenon is called "reminiscence bump" - suggesting that memories from ages 15-25 are most vividly retained.   She quotes Ralph Keyes, "Is There Life After High School?" "Somehow those three or four years can in retrospect feel like 30."   Interestingly enough, in the research, these years until recently were not given enough credit.   For many years, researchers believed that ages 0-3 were the essential years, and beyond that it was "tweaking." Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist at Temple University asserts, "If you're interested in making sure kids learn a lot in school, yes, intervening in early childhood is the time to do it.  But, if you're interested in how people become who they are, so much is going on in the adolescent years." 

Steinberg points out that our preferences in life are often based on those adolescent years.  For example, "No matter how old you are, the music you listen to for the rest of your life is probably what you listened to when you were an adolescent." 

Neuroscience explains why this is.  As I've mentioned before in this column, just before adolescence the prefrontal cortex begins to rapidly develop. This area of the brain governs our ability to "reason, grasp abstractions, control impulses and self- reflect"- all of which are intellectual skills needed to develop an identity.  "Any cultural stimuli we are exposed to during puberty, can, therefore, make more of an impression, because we're now perceiving them discerningly and metacognitively as things to sweep into our self- concepts or reject.  'During times when your identity is in transition,' says Steinberg, it's possible you store memories better than you do in times of stability.'"

There are a number of other neurological changes in adolescence that make this time period in life so impactful. One such change is that there is more dopamine activity during this time period than during any other time of life.  This causes everything an adolescent feels to be more intense. 

To make this all even more "intense"  psychologists Joseph and Claudia Worrell Allen point out in their book Escaping The Endless Adolescence, that a century ago when adolescents did not continue on to high school and worked in factories or farms they spent their days alongside adults during these tenuous years.  Now, "teens live in a biosphere of their own" as they spend only 16 hours per week with adults and 60 with their peers (and even more in Yeshivot).  Then students create their own hierarchies and divisions based on what they deem important- clothes, looks, sports ability. It is easy to be labeled in this environment. According to researcher Bene Brown, 90% of adults interviewed said "their unwanted identities and labels started during their tweens and teens." And, whatever strategies we gain to fight those feelings during the high school years, we generally will use for life. 

As I attended my reunion and read Ms. Senior’s article, it again struck me how important the choice of high school is in a child’s life. It cannot be said better than Steinberg said. These years determine “how people become who they are.”

We, therefore, do discuss with our students in Advisory- whom do you want to be come in the next four years?   First, what do they think high school is like? How do they envision high school and the high school experience? Second, how do they envision themselves in high school? What kind of person would they like to become in the next four years? This is a difficult conversation for some students who have never seriously thought about the person they want to be. This is the age when they can begin to think in this way.  And, even if the high school decision is already made, it is good for your child to think about- how do I want to grow in high school?  Of which opportunities should I take advantage?  Should I wean myself from my present friends and look for ones who are a better influence on me?  Do I want to become more independent and responsible in high school and rely less on my parents to help me with work?  Do I want to take my religiosity more seriously?   High school is an opportunity for our children to start fresh. We want them to take this step with thought about whom they can become.

As parents, we need to ask the same question, “Whom do we want our children to become?”  The research clearly states that during these next years their identity is formed, their self-concept is solidified and their preferences are determined- from their choice of music to choice of friends.   

A Pew research study in 2011 found that the largest share of Facebook friends- 22%- are high school friends.  Although I may not have kept in touch with many of my high school classmates, as I saw them last night I knew that they all played a role in forming who I am today.   I can still recall the conversations we had hanging out by the payphones and the carbon paper we used to take notes for someone who was absent. (Yes, I went to high school in the Stone Age).   We reminisced about the teachers, the trips, the color wars and the workload.   I look back on those years as the right choice for me.  May those of us who are making choices for our 8^th graders find similar success.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students continued their Organization Unit and further focused on locker management.

Seventh Grade-  Students flexed their muscles and engaged in “empathy exercises” and focused on the importance of not judging a book by its cover.

Eighth Grade-  Our 8^th graders focused on the skills of goal setting and set goals for this year as they lead into high school. They each set these goals on a website called “Future Me” and will receive a list of the goals they made this week the day after graduation. Will they be able to say they achieved their goals? 

What's In Your Child's Backpack?

What's in your child's backpack? Papers from the first day of school crumpled up on the bottom? A half-eaten sandwich from two weeks ago? (Hopefully not!) There are those children who carry everything they own with them- even taking it all home. The backbreaking backpack tends to be of big concern for parents and students. The backpack has been a source of stress for middle schoolers since the beginning of time. (Or, more correctly, since the late 1960's when school backpacks were first produced).

We do teach the skills of organizing one's backpack in Sixth Grade Advisory, (see below), but students who are by nature disorganized have a hard time implementing the strategies for an extended period of time. Then there are our “nervous Nelly” students. They are afraid to leave something at home or to not bring something to class, so they will never let go of carrying everything- despite our best intentions in assisting them in doing so. Some of those students are our most disorganized who have discovered a way to cope with their disorganization- you'll never forget anything if you have everything!

What should the parent's role be in helping a child keep his backpack organized? How can we as parents ensure that our children are bringing home what they need and only what they need? I think the first response is that middle schoolers still need their parents! I know that first time parents of sixth graders often struggle as they feel their children are in middle school now and they should not have to take a hands on approach at this age. Realize your child is now balancing nine different teachers, with nine different expectations and nine different sets of supplies! Most disorganized students do need their parents to help them sort it out and monitor their progress at the beginning. Some might need that supervision longer. Typically speaking, the backpack is often the tip of the iceberg, and the disorganization is often more widespread.

How do I know if my child is disorganized? According to Donna Goldberg, author of The Organized Student, the organized student:

• Doesn't carry everything he owns in his backpack (I'd add to this, that if the backpack is neat, and your child says there are other reasons why the backpack is full- this may not be disorganization).
• Can identify and bring home the books, supplies, and worksheets he needs in order to complete his homework.
• Can locate his finished homework in class and hand it in on time (Yes, there are many students who do their homework and neglect to hand it in, or e-mail it to a teacher).
• Can study efficiently because he knows when tests are coming up, has set aside enough time to study, and doesn't waste time looking for class notes and handouts.

The disorganized student on the other hand,

• Frequently loses papers.
• Doesn't hand in assignments on time at all.
• Has a backpack full of crumpled paper and random objects.
• Can't break down long-term projects and misses deadlines.
• Leaves everything for the last minute.
• Disrupts home life with frantic searches, urgent requests for late- night help, and anxiety ridden meltdowns.

Like any other skills, organization skills can be taught. It is tricky when a parent attempts to share tips with a middle schooler. They would take the advice very eagerly from a stranger, but when a parent suggests it... not exactly. The less emotional we get about the process, the better.

Mrs. Goldberg's book is a great resource. I also want to share with you a bit of what we did this past week in Sixth Grade Advisory, as we began our Organization Unit focusing on lockers, backpacks and the home workspace. Parents of seventh and eighth graders should find this section helpful as well.

One method we discussed with them was the P.A.C.K. Method.

P=  Purge

• Clear enough space on the table or floor to spread out
• Have a large garbage can or bag within reach.
• Remove everything from your backpack and lay it  out.
• Throw things out that are obviously garbage.
• Make a pile of things you don’t need to carry around anymore.  

    A= Accessorize

• Make a list of accessories that will make it easier for you to stay organized. (ex. Pencil case, folders, binders, three hole puncher etc.)

C= Categorize

-Separate everything else that came out of the backpack into  piles- textbooks, notebooks, loose paper, planner or any other category you think.

- Make a pile of everything you need for the day. (If you are doing this at home, make a pile of what you need for homework)

- Sort all loose papers by subject.  Use paper clips to separate them if you do not have folders (yet).  

- Papers that you do not need anymore and can be filed, put in the folders that the Advisor gave you. Label the folders “To Be Filed-J.S.” and “To Be Filed-G.S.”

- Put back all your books neatly.  We recommend size order so it’s easier to find items.

- If your backpack has many sections, decide which section will be for what.  

- Extra-curricular stuff- like music, i-pod, cellphone, balls etc. should be in a separate section.

     K= Keep it up.

    -  You should go through your backpack on a regular basis. We would like everyone to go through their bookbags every Sunday evening.  

This system is great for lockers and backpacks.

We also focused on the following issues when it came to the heavy backpack. As we talked through their answers, we provided tips they can implement: 

Heavy backpacks at school

1. What do you actually need in your backpack?

2. When you get off the bus or after davening, how do you decide what you will be putting in your bag?   Do you need to take everything with you? (We want them to come away with the idea that they should look at their schedules and see what they have either that morning OR 1st and 2nd period- as they have a break between 3rd and 4th. They should only put in the items they need for those periods. Anything they don’t need for those periods should be put in their lockers).

3. The times to go to my locker to remove things that I don’t need anymore and to put things in from my locker that I need are…

Heavy backpacks on the way home

4. Do you need to take EVERYTHING home?

5. How do you decide what you need to take home and what you can leave in your locker?

6. Do you ever take home things you don’t need? Why?

7. What should you be taking out when you get home and leaving at home?  What should you be doing with things you leave at home?

As we answered these questions together we focused upon a number of strategies. I want to highlight two:

1. We had them take out whatever they use to write down their homework- either a planner or using their  myhomework app on their iPad- which they were shown how to use.  Instead of just writing what they have for homework, they need to write “materials needed” next to the item. If they use a planner:  If it’s helpful, they can use a different color pen to write the materials down so it stands out.  At the end of the day, all they need to do is look at that list to take home.

If they use the app- they can add this information where it says “additional info.” as they are recording the homework. They will have to click each homework assignment to check the items needed to come home. Unfortunately, some students do not write down their homework and rely on Parent Locker, as they wait to check their homework at home. This method clearly forces students to bring everything they own home with them or causes them to forget something in school.

2. Every child received a shopping bag to keep in their lockers. As the day progresses, if they have an item that needs to be taken home, when they go to their lockers they are to put the item in that bag.  That way, when they go home they know all those items are to go home. Alternatively, we asked students to organize their lockers so items that need to go home are kept at the bottom of the locker and can just be “scooped up” at the end of the day.

In Bamidbar 11:14, Moshe turns to Hashem and says, “I am not able to carry all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me.” At times, our middle schoolers are carrying a load that they feel is “too heavy” for them- literally and figuratively. We hope that some of the organizational skills we teach them will help lighten that burden they feel. More importantly, we hope they realize that they need not carry the burden “alone”- the adults in their lives, parents and teachers, are there to support them. 


Advisory Update
Sixth Grade- Students began their Organization Unit. Half the students focused on backpacks this week, while half focused on lockers.
Seventh Grade- On Monday we were visited by the clinical director of the Bergen County Housing, Health and Human Services Center for the homeless. His presentation launched our next unity in Advisory – Operation Respect where students will be preparing and learning the skills necessary for our visit during Chanukah week. We will be focusing for the next month on the skills of empathy and the role we can play in supporting others.
Eighth Grade- As eighth graders gear up for their high school interviews, we focused on interview skills essential for life.

Teenagers Learn What They Live- From Whom?

Who do you think is your teen's most influential role model? In the spirit of the World Series, one might imagine it's athletes. Or perhaps media stars? (Today, that might include youtube stars etc. and not only television). Or maybe their peers? A Weekly Reader research study found that 67.7 percent of teens said their parents are the most influential role models in their lives. 40.6 percent said that teachers and coaches followed. Then, 40.4% said siblings were. Religious leaders, athletes and celebrities came in at 18.7%. There are numerous other studies, whose numbers vary somewhat, but overall parents come in first! (No pressure!!)

How do we fulfill this important role as role model? When I was child I remember there was poem hanging in my pediatrician, Dr. Neustein's, office. “Children Learn What They Live”- nothing more needs to be said:

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

This poem was written by Dorothy Law Nolte who was a writer and therapist. This poem became a book as well. Years later she published another poem “Teenagers Learn What They Live- Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence.” I had never heard of it, until today.

Teeenagers Learn What They Live

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.

If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.

If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.

If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.

If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.

If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.

If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.

If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.

If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.

If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.

If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.

If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.

If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.

If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.

If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.

If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

As parents, we create the atmosphere in our homes where our teens live. We “learn them” each moment of each day, by the way we live our own lives. It's all about parenting by example. As adults, it often surprises us when we hear ourselves saying something to our teens and thinking, “Boy, I sound exactly like my mother!” As educators, when meeting a parent at parent-teacher conferences for the first time, before the parent introduces him/herself, we can often guess whose parent he/she is. The way our parents live seeps into our psyche, and often impacts on the way we live.

So, how do we fulfill this important role as role model? By simply living the way we want our children to live. This often means stopping our reactions in their tracks, reminding ourselves that we don't want our children to react that way. Often, it might mean forcing ourselves to get up and do something we are too tired to do, but we want our children to see us doing. Whether it's taking the time to daven on a busy day or cleaning up my own room when I have piles of work waiting for me- children learn what they live.

The sefer we are reading for parashat hashavua, Sefer Bereishit, is often called “Sefer Avot.” the book of our fathers. As, as the Ramban states, “Maaseh avot siman labanim,” “The deeds of the father is a sign for the children.” This sefer is full of events and stories that serve as models for us as their children.

There is, however, one other type of “role modeling” found in Sefer Bereishit, highlighted in the parasha we just read. The parasha starts with Hashem visiting Avraham. Why? He was recuperating from Brit Milah and Hashem was visiting the sick. This is one example given in the Gemara in Sotah 14a.

“Why does it say (Deut. 13: 5): “One should walk after God”? Is it possible to walk after the Shekhinah? Is He not like a consuming fire (ibid., 4:24)? Rather, it means that one should imitate His ways. As G-d clothed Adam and Chava (Bereishit 3:21), so should we clothe the naked; as He visited the ailing (Rashi, Bereishit18: 1), so should we visit the sick; as He comforted Isaac after Abraham’s death (Rashi, Bereishit 25: 11), so should we comfort mourners; as He buried Moses (Devarim 34:6), so should we care for the dignity of the dead. “

This Gemara stresses the importance of imitatio Dei – imitating Hashem. We are all children of Hashem. As parents, when we are faced with the stress of wondering how to be the role models for which are children are searching we have many sources to look to for inspiration. (Aside from reading lots of parenting books!) We have our our parents. We have our forefathers. And, we have our Father in Heaven. We have had first class teachers and need not worry about our qualifications.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Students highlighted the important pieces of advice from last year's sixth graders that they think they will follow this year. They also had the chance to talk to their Advisors about how school is going for them.

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Seventh Grade-

Frost Valley was incredible!

Eighth Grade-

Students focused on the qualities that them unique and the importance of focusing on those qualities and not trying to be like everyone else. Aside from impacting on their view towards life in general, it is also an important topic to consider before going on high school interviews and answering the important question “What makes you unique?”