Teenagers Learn What They Live- From Whom?

Who do you think is your teen's most influential role model? In the spirit of the World Series, one might imagine it's athletes. Or perhaps media stars? (Today, that might include youtube stars etc. and not only television). Or maybe their peers? A Weekly Reader research study found that 67.7 percent of teens said their parents are the most influential role models in their lives. 40.6 percent said that teachers and coaches followed. Then, 40.4% said siblings were. Religious leaders, athletes and celebrities came in at 18.7%. There are numerous other studies, whose numbers vary somewhat, but overall parents come in first! (No pressure!!)

How do we fulfill this important role as role model? When I was child I remember there was poem hanging in my pediatrician, Dr. Neustein's, office. “Children Learn What They Live”- nothing more needs to be said:

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

This poem was written by Dorothy Law Nolte who was a writer and therapist. This poem became a book as well. Years later she published another poem “Teenagers Learn What They Live- Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence.” I had never heard of it, until today.

Teeenagers Learn What They Live

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.

If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.

If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.

If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.

If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.

If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.

If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.

If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.

If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.

If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.

If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.

If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.

If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.

If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.

If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.

If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

As parents, we create the atmosphere in our homes where our teens live. We “learn them” each moment of each day, by the way we live our own lives. It's all about parenting by example. As adults, it often surprises us when we hear ourselves saying something to our teens and thinking, “Boy, I sound exactly like my mother!” As educators, when meeting a parent at parent-teacher conferences for the first time, before the parent introduces him/herself, we can often guess whose parent he/she is. The way our parents live seeps into our psyche, and often impacts on the way we live.

So, how do we fulfill this important role as role model? By simply living the way we want our children to live. This often means stopping our reactions in their tracks, reminding ourselves that we don't want our children to react that way. Often, it might mean forcing ourselves to get up and do something we are too tired to do, but we want our children to see us doing. Whether it's taking the time to daven on a busy day or cleaning up my own room when I have piles of work waiting for me- children learn what they live.

The sefer we are reading for parashat hashavua, Sefer Bereishit, is often called “Sefer Avot.” the book of our fathers. As, as the Ramban states, “Maaseh avot siman labanim,” “The deeds of the father is a sign for the children.” This sefer is full of events and stories that serve as models for us as their children.

There is, however, one other type of “role modeling” found in Sefer Bereishit, highlighted in the parasha we just read. The parasha starts with Hashem visiting Avraham. Why? He was recuperating from Brit Milah and Hashem was visiting the sick. This is one example given in the Gemara in Sotah 14a.

“Why does it say (Deut. 13: 5): “One should walk after God”? Is it possible to walk after the Shekhinah? Is He not like a consuming fire (ibid., 4:24)? Rather, it means that one should imitate His ways. As G-d clothed Adam and Chava (Bereishit 3:21), so should we clothe the naked; as He visited the ailing (Rashi, Bereishit18: 1), so should we visit the sick; as He comforted Isaac after Abraham’s death (Rashi, Bereishit 25: 11), so should we comfort mourners; as He buried Moses (Devarim 34:6), so should we care for the dignity of the dead. “

This Gemara stresses the importance of imitatio Dei – imitating Hashem. We are all children of Hashem. As parents, when we are faced with the stress of wondering how to be the role models for which are children are searching we have many sources to look to for inspiration. (Aside from reading lots of parenting books!) We have our our parents. We have our forefathers. And, we have our Father in Heaven. We have had first class teachers and need not worry about our qualifications.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Students highlighted the important pieces of advice from last year's sixth graders that they think they will follow this year. They also had the chance to talk to their Advisors about how school is going for them.

.

Seventh Grade-

Frost Valley was incredible!

Eighth Grade-

Students focused on the qualities that them unique and the importance of focusing on those qualities and not trying to be like everyone else. Aside from impacting on their view towards life in general, it is also an important topic to consider before going on high school interviews and answering the important question “What makes you unique?”