Back To The Future For Your Teen

This past Wednesday, October 21, 2015, was the day Marty McFly and Doc Brown traveled to in Back to the Future II in 1989. It was called Back To The Future Day. It seemed like any other day to me. Lots of rushing in the morning, going to work and then homework and bedtime. (With our amazing Open House in between!) But, the words, “Back To The Future” have more meaning as I consider two other important days in the past week- Sixth Grade and Eighth Grade Orientations.

As I looked out at the audience of parents  who were  joining us at the Sixth Grade Orientation or the Eighth Grade Orientation for the first time, I  saw  the same look  in their eyes, "Wasn't it just yesterday when we walked them into Pre-K orientation, tightly holding their hands- not wanting to let go?  Where did the time go?"   I often say that there are many similarities between toddlerhood and the years of early adolescence.  One commonality is that at these stages of life our children are asserting more independence and we are not always ready to let go.  Whether it is the first day on the bus in Kindergarten or  in sixth grade when we hand them off to nine teachers, whose names we can barely remember at first, we  worry how they will do without us.  For our eighth graders, there is nothing more worrisome than  "life after Yavneh."   We are leaving that which is comfortable to embark on an unfamiliar journey an unknown world. It is reminiscent of Avraham being commanded to leave all that is familiar to embark on an unknown journey. “ לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵֽאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ"“ Get out from your country, and from your family, and from your father’s house, to a land that I will show you” (Bereishit 12:1) How do we as parents let go and tell our children “lech lecha”- venture out on your own? How do we make sure they end up in the “right land”?

Dr. Jim Taylor states that there are two types of children- contingent and independent children. Contingent children depend on others for how they feel about themselves. They won't achieve without incentives. They depend on others for happiness. They often have no limits set for them. They tend to be poor decision makers, as parents never have discussions with them about what is best for them. Independent children, on the other hand, are intrinsically motivated. Their parents use incentives and rewards sparingly and appropriately. They have a “collaborative” relationship with their parents, rather than a “controlled” one. Independent children are good decision makers, as their opinions have always been valued. They make decisions with the support and guidance of their parents.

According to Taylor, how do we raise independent and not contingent children? Taylor stresses the importance of giving them responsibilities- by literally listing them. And, of course, there needs to be consequences for not fulfilling one's responsibilities. This sends them the messages that you are confident in their capabilities. They have control over their lives. Another important element is providing guidance and then giving them the freedom to make their own decisions.

Even if we raise “independent” teens, how do we know that they will do the right thing if we let go? On a most basic level, “How will he do his homework if I don't sit next to him each evening?” or “How can I send him off to camp knowing he'll make good decisions?”

Back to the future is the answer. In order to have a strong, and safe future, our teens need to be able to draw from their past- to go back. For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc^. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. They will always go back to what we told them.

In essence, even though Avraham left his birthplace, his son Yaakov returns there following the command of Hashem, “Return to your country, and to your family...” Yaakov was going back to his future. That is what we hope for our children. We want them to dig deep back into all the conversations relaying values we have had with them and the modeling we have lived for them. Only then will their independent futures lead them on a journey to the “land that we have shown them.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:

Through role-playing they continued learning of the skills of conversation do's and don'ts.

Seventh Grade:

Students learned about the importance of using “I” statements and not “You” statements in effective communication and teamwork.

Eighth Grade:

How to choose a high school, was the topic of this week's session. Students discussed what they are looking for in a high school and what they think they need for their own growth.