Peer
pressure. We dare not even utter those words in the middle school
years. We know that peer pressure peaks during this age. In
this week's parasha Noach is held up as an example of he who resisted
peer pressure, "Tamim haya b'dorotav" “Noah
was a just man and perfect in his generations” (Bereishit 6:9).
In his generations? Why are those words added? Despite the
evil all around him, he was able to maintain his ability to do the
right thing. How? Even at his birth, when his parents
named him they said, “This
same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands,
because of the ground which the Lord has cursed.”
Noach was going to be special and be a comfort among all the evil.
Perhaps this symbolized that it was the influence of his
parents which gave him the strength to resist.
Or,
as we know, the difference between Avraham and Noach was that Avraham
sought out to interact with others by spreading belief in G-d.
In contrast, Noach primarily kept to himself. That is one
solution to peer pressure- just stay away from peers and keep to
yourself. Most teens (and parents of teens) would not want that
way of life, as we know one's social life is essential at this stage
of life.
What
is the solution? I maintain that perhaps we want our children
to be more like Avraham than Noach- to surround oneself with peer
pressure and use it for their self-development. PEER PRESSURE
IS GOOD. (Shhh- don't tell anyone!)
In
the most basic and more obvious manner, we can use peer pressure and
the intense social influence felt to encourage positive and
appropriate behaviors. Teachers use positive peer pressure all
the time to influence students, encouraging them to imitate the most
studious and conscientious students. We call this in Hebrew, “Kinat
sofrim”
-envy of scholars. We want our children to aspire to imitate the
positive behavior around them. That is why we send them to schools
and camps where we know they will be surrounded by positive peer
pressure.
But,
not only is positive peer pressure good for you. Peer pressure to
do the wrong thing, may actually be good for you as well. In
fact, studies indicate that teens who feel more of that peer pressure
to do the wrong thing actually succeed better in life. Professor
Joe Allen, of University of Virginia, studied seventh graders and
followed them every year for the next ten years. He found that
the ones who felt more peer pressure had "higher quality
relationships with friends, parents and romantic partners." He
actually found that their need to fit in early adolescence later on
manifested itself in the willingness to accommodate. "The
self-conscious kid who spent seventh grade convinced that everyone
was watching her learned to be attuned to subtle changes in others'
moods. Years down the road, the heightened sensitivity led to
empathy and social adeptness."
Dr.
Allen then demonstrated that the students who did not feel much
peer pressure in seventh grade, within five years had a lower GPA.
Those children were also less engaged socially and
academically. Unmotivated by what those around them thought,
these seventh graders also did not care much about what their parents
and society wanted them to do. Peers' influence can be an
asset. Peer pressure pulls students to do well in school, to
not act childish and to become involved in athletics- all good
things. "We think of susceptibility to peer pressure as
only a danger, but, really, it's out of peer pressure that boys learn
to take showers and not come to school smelly," adds Dr. Allen.
The
most important aspect of Dr. Allen's study was that the key is not
pushing back against peer pressure by severing contact. The key
is maintaining autonomy when experiencing the pressure. How do
teens learn to resist the peer pressure of their friends? They learn
this from their relationship with their parents. Parents who
raise their children to be connected to them and autonomous at the
same time. By allowing our teens to voice their opinions when
they disagree- in a respectful way- they learn the skill of standing
up for themselves. The parent is ultimately in charge, but the
child learns that he/she need not always give in without standing up
for what he/she believes in. "The kids who are really
pushy and angry with their parents, they're still more hostile to
their friends ten years later. The kids who learn to negotiate
with their parents- not just badger them, but truly negotiate- they
could use those tactics with their peers and be effective at it. So,
when their friends say, 'Let's go back to the park and drink,' he
suggests, 'How about we not...'" and provides a better
suggestion.
It
now makes sense that not all of our avot
and
imahot grew
up in houses of tzaddikim.
There is something about being exposed to peer pressure and
resisting it that makes a person a leader and even more attached to
their beliefs in G-d. I am not advocating that we send our children
to live in homes of idol worshipers, as Avraham grew up. Nor, should
we allow them to hang out with friends who are negative influences on
them. We need to, however, raise them with the realistic
understanding that they will face difficult peer pressure, and
provide them with the skills they need to resist.
Advisory
Update
Sixth
Grade-
This week they focused on the skills needed to have a good group
discussion- essential for Advisory class and life!
Seventh
Grade-
They began their unit which prepares them with the skills they need
for Frost Valley. This week, they looked at the skills needed for
teamwork and the importance of communication skills.
Eighth
Grade-
Students discussed some good testing taking skills in light of their
upcoming ACT- Aspire test.
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