"How Was School Today?" Asking The Right Questions And Getting The Right Answers From Your Teen

This past Shabbat we read parashat Bereishit where Hashem models for us the parenting technique of questioning to elicit information.  First, with Adam Harishon He says, in Bereishit 3:9 “And the Lord God called to Adam, and said to him, Where are you?” "Ayeka?"  .  He clearly knows where Adam is.  Then He asks in pasuk 11, "And He said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree, which I commanded you that you should not eat?” Hashem clearly knows that Adam did eat,  and, yet, Hashem still asks him questions. Then with Kayin Hashem also asks a number of questions. First in 4:6, “And the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry? And why is your countenance fallen?” Hashem knew exactly why Kayin was upset. And, then after he kills his brother, Hashem asks Kayin in pasuk 9, “And the Lord said to Cain, Where is Abel your brother?" Hashem knew exactly where Hevel was and what Kayin had done to him, and yet He still asks.  And, even after Kayin refuses to admit Hashem asks him another question in pasuk 10, “And He said, What have you done?”

On the most basic level, Hashem wanted to give them the opportunity to "fess up" and admit their wrongdoing.  Clearly, neither rises to the occasion.  As parents, it does model for us the importance of rather than running to accuse, to give the child the chance to express what he thinks he did wrong and why he did it.  The moment we enter a situation with accusations, teens shut down and are not willing to cooperate. When we as parents engage in a conversation where we do not give them the chance to offer an explanation or admission, we send the message that we aren't really interested in what they have to say, so they might as well shut down.  Yes, Hashem was clearly angry as Adam violated the only commandment he had, and Kayin committed the first murder.  He knew exactly what it is like to have your child openly disobey and then even lie about it.  However, Hashem was able to restrain His understandable anger to send the message to His "children" that they can repair what they have done if they are honest and upfront.  And, in fact, Hashem says directly to Kayin, “If you do well, shall you not be accepted?” You can do better and improve.

When children are young, they spend the day asking questions of us, “Why is the sky blue?” “How does electricity work?” As they get older, they stop asking us questions, and seek answers from the experts... their friends and the internet. But, there are so many questions that we still need to ask them.

"How was your day?"  we ask as our children get off the bus at the end of the day. “What happened at the party?” The only way we can get information is by asking, as they don't  offer details in a forthcoming way and as they get older, we get increasingly less and less information. "Fine," "Okay" or sometimes "Horrible" are the more standard responses.   How do we get more from our teens? 

There are some ground rules:

1. Make it clear that you value what they have to say. There's no point in their sharing if you don't value their opinions. Make it a practice to ask their opinions.
2. Comment on things they do right, not just on what they do wrong!
3. Begin with listening. Don't comment at first. Just listen. All distractions away.
4. Ask questions that help them explore further what they think, rather than stating what you think.
5. Make sure to be available the times of day that your child is most “available” for chatting. (For mine, it's always when I'm exhausted and have no patience left! But, I've learned to smile through it and keep my eyes open!)
6. Ask open-ended questions instead of yes or no questions.
7. Be specific. Instead of “Did you like school today?” ask “What was the best thing you did today?”  

In an article “28 Ways To Ask Your Teen 'How Was School Today?' Without Asking Them 'How Was School Today?” Liz Evans presents some creative ways of eliciting information from your teen. Some might fit your teen:

1. Where in the school do you hang out the most? (Like a particular hall, classroom, parking lot, etc.) Where in the school do you never hang out?

2. What would your school be better with? What would your school be better without?

3. If you were a teacher, what class would you teach? Which class would be the worst to teach? Why?

4. What was the coolest (saddest, funniest, scariest) thing that you saw today?

5. Tell me one thing that you learned today.

6. If your day at school today was a movie, what movie would it be?

7. Besides walking to their next classes, what else do people do in the halls in between classes?

8. Who do you think you could be nicer to?

9. Which is your easiest class? Which is your hardest class? OR Which class are you learning the most in? Which class are you learning the least in?

10. If they played music in the halls at school, what would everyone want them to play over the loudspeaker?

11. If you could read minds, which teacher's mind would you read? Which classmate's mind would you read? Whose mind would you NOT want to read?

12. If today had a theme song, what would it be?

13. Which class has your favorite group of students in it? Which class has the worst group of students?

14. What do you think you should do more of at school? What do you think you should do less of?

15. What are the top three (or five) things that you hear people say in the halls?

16. What do you think the most important part of school is?

17. Tell me one question that you had today, even if it wasn't answered... actually, especially if it wasn't answered...

18. Which class has the most cute boys/girls in it?

19. If an alien spaceship landed at your school, who would you like them to beam aboard and take back to their home planet?

20. Who did you help today? Who helped you today?

21. If you could be invisible for the day at school, what would you do?

22. What part of the day do you look forward to? What part of the day do you dread?

23. What would you change about school lunch?

24. Which classmate is most likely to be arrested, made president, become a millionaire, be in movies, let loose a flock of wild chickens in the library, etc.?

25. If you had to go to only one class every day, which class would it be?

26. Tell me one thing you read at school today.

27. If your day at school was an emoticon, which one would it be?

28. What do you think your teachers talked about in the faculty room today after school?

Most importantly, we can never give up asking questions, even though they may not answer in these middle school years. We thereby send the message that we are always there and ready for them and waiting for when they are ready to answer.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Sixth graders began Advisory this week. They got to know each other and their Advisors, beginning to form cohesive groups.

Seventh Grade-

Seventh graders were introduced to the “mission” of seventh grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” They discussed how even they as teens can a make a difference in the world around them.

Eighth Grade-

Eighth graders were introduced to the theme of this year's Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” - skills they will need to succeed in high school and life beyond. They viewed interviews of graduates who expressed some of the challenges of 8^th grade and applying to high school.