Being An "Upstander" And Not A "Bystander"

 Two weeks ago, the town of Shawano in Wisconsin passed a new anti-bullying ordinance. Under this ordinance, if a child is found to be involved in bullying another the parents will be warned. The parent then has 90 days to “address the bullying.” If the behavior does not stop after 90 days, the parents will be fined $366. This ordinance is not the first of this kind. We presented our 7^th graders in Advisory with this new ordinance. What did they think? Can parents be held responsible for the behavior of their children? That was most definitely debatable. But, clearly, they can be held responsible if they “stand idly by” and let it happen without attempting an intervention.

“Do not stand idly by” was a theme in the most recent unit in their Advisory class. We were proud to spearhead and share our B.I.G. Day- Buy Israeli Goods Day- in local supermarkets and in school. This effort was part of their standing up to the BDS movement and not “standing idly by” while Israel is maligned and boycotted. We hope that our students got the message that each of us as individuals can do something to stand up to injustice.

The proximity of Yom HaShoah and Yom Haatzmaut has always struck me. “Out of the ashes,” as some might maintain. This year, with our B.I.G. Day, the students were able to see a more direct connection. The theme of the importance of the bystander standing up to injustice is abundantly clear with the Holocaust, as demonstrated by this quote we discuss in our Advisory class.

In 1933 Martin Niemoller, a leader in the Confessing Church which was  begun by Niemoller and several other ministers, voted for the Nazi party.  By  1938, however, he was in a concentration camp.  After the war he was believed to have said,

"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up  because I wasn't a Communist.  

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak  up because I wasn't a Jew.  

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,  and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to

speak for me."  

I have spoken about the impactful bonding opportunity presented by reading a book that your teen is reading. My son and I are now reading The Book Thief. I actually just finished the book today- a truly incredible read! It is replete with messages of “Do not stand idly by” as Hans Huberman and his family hide a Jew, or as he reaches out to give bread to a Jew and suffers the consequences, or as he paints over the anti-Semitic graffiti found on a Jew's store.

These are the messages that we want to transmit as parents to our children. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

The Gemara in Sotah 11a tell us that when Pharaoh was plotting against the Jews he asked his three advisers, Yitro, Iyov and Bilaam their opinions. Bilaam was eager to exterminate the Jews. Yitro, rejected Pharaoh's idea and expressed his opposition. He, therefore, had to escape Egypt and ended up in Midyan. Iyov, was against killing the Jews, but he remained silent. One can only hypothesize why he did not speak. Perhaps he was afraid of suffering the consequences. He may even have rationalized that if he is not an adviser, he cannot help the Jews as time progresses.

Each adviser received a consequence from G-d. Bilaam, was killed by the Jews whom he wanted to kill. Yitro was rewarded by becoming the father-in-law of Moshe and an important in the history of the Jewish people. Iyov, who remained silent, lived a life of pain and suffering. Why such a terrible punishment for remaining silent? The Brisker Rav, Rabbi Yitzchak Zev Soloveitchik stated, that when Iyov was struck by tragedy after tragedy he finally raised his voice to cry to Hashem- the same Iyov who had stayed silent with Pharoah. The difference was, that here he was personally affected and with the Jewish decree he was not. Because he was unable to cry out when others were impacted, he was destined to cry out now.

To come back to Wisconsin, what can we as parents do to ensure that we do not stand idly by and raise children who will not stand idly by when they see injustice in their day to day lives- like bullying, even when it does not affect them directly? This Shabbat's parasha had the answer. In the first pasuk, Vayikra 21:1, it states, “And the Lord said to Moses: Speak to the kohanim, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: Let none [of you] defile himself for a dead person among his people.” Rashi asks, why the need for “speak” to them and “say” to them? Rashi answers, “Speak to the kohanim: אֱמֹר וְאָמַרְתָּ “Speak [to the Kohanim …] and say [to them],” lit. “Say…and you shall say.” [This double expression comes] to admonish the adult [Kohanim to be responsible] for the minors [that they must not contaminate them (Mizrachi)]. — [Yev. . 114A].” In essence, we adults need to be responsible for the minors. How? By having a zero-tolerance policy and not tolerating any teasing, picking on or joking about other children in our homes. By reminding them that sometimes we need to include others even if it is not the most fun for us, but because it is the right thing to do. And, most importantly, by serving as models ourselves of inclusiveness, respect for others, and keeping others in mind who may seem left out.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began to learn about the L.E.A.D.E.R.S. Strategies to combatting bullying.

Seventh Grade: Boys focused on body image for boys and girls on “Odd Girl Out” and social exclusion among girls.

Eighth Grade: Our almost graduates wrote about each other for the inscriptions that will appear on the sefarim that they receive at the Graduation Dinner. Students were trained for how to write the most meaningful inscriptions to their friends. 

The Key To A Magical Mother's Day And A Chodesh Tov...All Year

Happy Mother’s Day.  Chodesh Tov.  Rosh Chodesh and Mother’s Day fall out on the same day this year.   The moment I noticed that the two did coincide this year I knew that it was not by chance. After all, we know that Rosh Chodesh is a holiday for women.  It is a day that reminds us each month how much women are appreciated.  Why? When Aharon was trying to delay the building of the Gold Calf he requested they collect their jewelry and gold, as it says, “’And Aaron said: Take the earrings from your wives, sons and daughters, and bring them to me’ (Exodus 32:2). The women heard and refused to give their jewelry to their husbands, but said: ‘You want to make a calf with no power to save? We will not listen to you.’ God gave them reward in this world that they keep Rosh Chodesh more than men, and in the next world they merit to renew themselves like Rosh Chodesh.”  (Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer, 45) There are women who actually abstain from certain types of work (no sewing, heavy house cleaning). (Hey, I’m game for any holiday on which I don’t clean!).   

Rosh Chodesh, we know, is determined by sanctifying the moon.  There is a special connection between women and the moon.  Dina Coopersmith, in her article “ Rosh Chodesh|,” explains that Rosh Chodesh has a human element as you need two witnesses to testify the the Jerusalem high court that the moon was seen.  “The determination of this calendar is placed squarely in human hands.  Thus if the moon were to appear, in fact, on a Monday, but no on actually saw it until Tuesday, ‘seeing is believing’ and the court would decide that the first of the month was on a Tuesday.  As a result, G-d, as it were, follows the decision of the court and acts accordingly, so in the case of Rosh Hashana, He would push off His judgment of the entire world by one day!”  What message is G-d giving the Jews, as He gives them their first mitzvah of Rosh Chodesh?  Up until then the Jews were slaves and time was not their own. Now, they are becoming masters of their time and taking control. The moon reminds us that we can be in control of our time.  Who better to relay that message than a mother?  She somehow can multi-task better in a short amount of time, as brain research has clearly indicated.  She is a master over time.

The moon also causes me to consider what we mothers do with our time.  Is there anything more magical than the moon?  The moon looks as if it has disappeared, and then the next day it comes back! As parents of small children we read Good Night Moon, or sang “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”  In those days, they didn’t need any special effects or cool videos. Just looking at the moon and the night sky was magical enough.  What message can the moon relay to us mothers on Mother’s Day Rosh Chodesh?

Bummi Laditan, in a Huffington Post  article “I’m Done Making My Kid’s Childhood Magical” makes us nostalgic for those good old days when looking at the moon was magical enough. She reminisces about her own childhood and compares it to the way we “mother” today.  (Thank you for Dr. Feit for forwarding the blog!)

“If our grandmothers and great-grandmothers could see the pressure modern mothers put on themselves, they’d think we were insane.  Since when does being a good mom mean you spend your days creating elaborate crafts for your children, making sure their rooms are decked-out Pottery Barn Ikea masterpieces worthy of children’s magazines, and dressing them to the nines in trendy coordinated outfits.  I don’t believe for a moment that mothers today love their kids any more than our great-grandmothers loved theirs. We just feel compelled to prove it through ridiculously expensive themed birthday parties that have do-it-yourself cupcake stations with 18 types of toppings and over-the-top gifts.

For a few years, I got caught up in the ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’ parenting model, which mandates you scour Pinterest for the best ideas, execute them flawlessly and then share the photo evidence with strangers and friends via blogs and Facebook posts.

Suddenly, it came to me: We do not need to make our children’s childhood magical.  Childhood is inherently magical, even when it isn’t perfect.”

            Laditan recounts her own childhood.  They played.  Parents were not responsible for entertaining them.  They just had fun. Today’s parents ask “What do you need my precious darling?  How can I make your childhood more amazing?”  We do not need to make their lives magical.  “Seeing the world through innocent eyes is magical.  Experiencing winter and playing in the snow is magical…”  Today, we put so much pressure on ourselves to create magical experiences.  We want our children to learn that the magic of life is not something that comes beautifully wrapped, but it is something you discover on your own.

            That is something to consider on Mother’s Day.  As a mother, Rosh Chodesh is a time each month that asserts that I need not wait until Mother’s Day to remind myself how appreciated I am. As a mother, the moon reminds us that we can control what we do with our time, and spend it not making magic for our children or competing with other mothers, but rather helping them create their own magic.  The pressure is off. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a unit on Social Exclusion, Harassment and Bullying. They spent some time identifying what those terms are.

Seventh Grade: Students spent time discussing political action and how they can get involved as teens standing up to injustice through contacting politicians.

Eight Grade:  Students began a unit based on the move The Wave which depicts a high school classroom experiment regarding peer pressure based on how the Nazi movement became so popular.