Parents or Peers?

Last week Dr. Eli Shapiro joined us to discuss the parent’s role in managing technology in our home.  We came away with some practical strategies and even technology ideas like OurPact to manage their phones. We talked about how to make a contract with your child and some rules that make sense for our families.  But, there was one overarching theme that pervaded the evening. When planning the workshop with Dr. Shapiro he shared that implementing limits when it comes to technology is really all about parenting.  All parenting which works is prefaced by a relationship with one’s child. Dr. Shapiro asserted that the reason why his teenager is able to follow the rules set up in his family is because of the relationship they have and have developed with much hard work over the years.  

Dr. Shapiro surveyed students in local yeshivot and 52% of children reported that parents were the biggest influence on what they think is appropriate or inappropriate when using a cell phone or the internet.  This pattern has been seen in the research in the general population in  a variety of areas.  Young and Well Cooperative Research Centre in Australia released a report finding substantial benefits when parents and kids engage in intergenerational conversations about technology use. Parents continue to have a strong influence when it comes to being smart, safe, respectful and resilient online.  A Pew research study states, “parents are the most often cited source of advice and the biggest influence on teens’ understanding of appropriate and inappropriate digital behavior.”

In a Kaiser Family  Foundation research study they found that nearly 80 percent of teenagers indicate that what their parents have told them and what their parents might think influence their decisions about sex and relationships. Despite the research, parents are still convinced that peers have more influence and they have very little influence on their children staying away from at-risk behaviors. A  report from the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration says more than one in five parents of teenagers believe they possess little influence over whether their child drinks alcohol or experiments with drugs and tobacco, they therefore do not speak to their children about substance use. When 67,000 Americans ages 12 and older were surveyed as part of the annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health, teenagers who believe their parents would strongly disapprove of substance abuse were less likely than their peers to use them. Parents matter more than peers- what do you know?!

According to other research, parents matter more than schools!  An article by Anne Murphy Paul, in Time Magazine, “Why Parenting Is More Important Than Schools” reports on a study which indicates that “parental involvement matters more for performance than schools.” “ A study published earlier this month by researchers at North Carolina State University, Brigham Young University and the University of California-Irvine, for example, finds that parental involvement — checking homework, attending school meetings and events, discussing school activities at home — has a more powerful influence on students’ academic performance than anything about the school the students attend. Another study, published in the Review of Economics and Statistics, reports that the effort put forth by parents (reading stories aloud, meeting with teachers) has a bigger impact on their children’s educational achievement than the effort expended by either teachers or the students themselves. And a third study concludes that schools would have to increase their spending by more than $1,000 per pupil in order to achieve the same results that are gained with parental involvement.”

We at Yavneh Academy are not closing up shop, but it is a relief to see how much of an impact we as parents also have on academic progress.  Paul highlights that it is not just among the affluent parents who exercise “concerted cultivation of children.”  The research reveals that “parents, of all backgrounds, don’t need to buy expensive educational toys or digital devices for their kids in order to give them an edge. They don’t need to chauffeur their offspring to enrichment classes or test-prep courses. What they need to do with their children is much simpler: talk.”  

The research points to the impact of mathematical and spatial understanding from the type of language used at home. Vocabulary is clearly impacted.  Among middle schoolers particularly they found that parents play an important role in “academic socialization”  “setting expectations and making connections between current behavior and future goals (going to college, getting a good job).”   Parents truly matter and make an impact on all areas of life- even with teens! And.. even when they seem annoyed by what we are saying and do not seem to be listening.

For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. At the end of the day, parental influence wins out!

Those of us who attended last week’s workshops ran home to implement some of the practical suggestions, but at the end of the day, the most important message we absorbed was to develop relationships with our children. To talk and talk and talk to them some more about what we hope for them, and the behaviors we expect from them. (And, of course, to listen as well!)  They actually do listen.  The research says so... even if they won’t admit it!  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-  Students began to discuss the appropriate way to interact with teachers.

Seventh Grade- Continuing on the path to empathy and truly understanding the homeless- How expensive is it to live in America today?  

Eighth Grade- How as the digital lives we lead affected our lifestyle and quality of life?  Is there a need to disconnect sometimes?  (This leads up to our Go Dark While The Candles Go Light Evening on December 29.. Stay tuned).

Technology Addiction- How Bad Is It For Our Teens?

In last week’s column I promised you a part 2, reviewing the data on media addiction.  (Have you RSVPed to our workshop yet?)  “Social networking is engineered to be as habit-forming as crack cocaine,” are the words found in a recent article in Computerworld  in 2015.  Common Sense Media spent some time this year conducting a research study and reviewing the literature on technology addiction, media use, and family media management, among other topics, in their report Technology Addiction: Concern, Controversy and Finding Balance..  

What is an addiction? In the report it describes what addiction is using a hypothetical teenager named Sue.  “... First Sue interacts with a ‘rewarding stimulus’ -something that stimulates or kicks into action, the brain’s ‘reward pathway.’  When the reward pathway is stimulated, it triggers the release of dopamine...a neurotransmitter, or a messenger chemical.   Dopamine tells the brain to pay attention: Something is about to happen.  It rewires the brain such that addicts need more of a given stimulus to get a desired effect....Sue’s brain heeds dopamine’s message, shifting into a state of wanting, expecting, and desiring pleasure...Over time, the brain adjusts and becomes less sensitive to dopamine.  She will need more of the rewarding stimulus to feel the same effect...Tolerance can lead to increased cravings for the rewarding stimulus…”    

The authors quote a 2011 study that through neuroimaging the brains of those identified with an internet addiction they noted that their images resemble those of substance abusers and pathological gamblers.  For example, the gray matter- associated with executive functioning, planning, decision making and impulse control is seen to be less dense in the brains of youths addicted to the internet.  (It is difficult to say which came first- does the addiction cause changes in the brain or those with different brain structures are more prone to the addiction?).  

In fact, withdrawal symptoms experienced by youth who are deprived of their technological devices is compared to those felt by drug addicts or smokers going “cold turkey,”  as reported by a study called “The World Unplugged” by Salzburg Academy on Media and Global Change. Students ages 17-23 were asked to give up their media for one day, but were allowed to use landlines and read books.  Participants felt physical and mental distress, including panic, confusion and extreme isolation when they were forced to “unplug” for only one day.  They reported emotions such as “fretful, confuse, anxious, irritable, insecure, nervous, restless, crazy, addicted, panicked, jealous, angry, lonely, dependent, depressed, jittery and paranoid.”

Teens tend to be more prone to addiction. Why? The region in their brain responsible for decision making is more affected  and influenced by rewards than is the adult brain.  Additionally, the frontal lobe, which control decision making and impulsivity, is still developing. They are less able to set limits and stop themselves when it comes to media.

I wish to focus upon two specific areas of the body of the Common Sense Media report : the effects of multitasking and the impact on social well-being.  One common area faced by parents of teens is media multitasking.  A 2010 study of children 8-18 found that they were engaged in media multitasking for 29% of their overall media use time, “fitting over 10 hours of media use into 7.5 hours of their day.”  Another study of students in middle school through university found that they studied for fewer than six minutes before switching to “another technological distraction such as texting or social media.” In their own research study, Common Sense Media found that 51% of teens watched TV, 50% used social media and 60% texted while doing homework. (Sounds familiar?)  Most teens did not feel that the multitasking affected the quality of their work.

Does multitasking affect productivity?  Does it cause cognitive fatigue- a type mental exhaustion caused by the strain of switching between tasks and multiple trains of thought? Does it reduce work speed?  Multitasking also makes it more difficult to create memories that can be accurately retrieved later.  So, “When a student’s attention is distracted- for example by texting with friends while taking notes in class- the student may not properly mentally encode what the teacher has said. As a result, the student would have greater difficulty retrieving the memory on a test.” It does not seem that since these children were born into a generation of multi-taskers they are more adept at it.  There is also evidence that multitasking is a risk factor for depression and anxiety.

Another area of burgeoning research is on the impact of technology on social well-being.  Researchers have indicated that social media has impacted on the fact that  narcissism seems to be on the increase and empathy on the decline.  Some reasons for this might be the fact that when we interact with others through a screen we miss out on the visual, auditory and tactile  cues that we would receive in person. People also tend to be more aggressive or insensitive on-line than face to face.  Posting on social media involves self-promotion and talking about oneself, which logically may lead to higher levels of narcissism.  77% of teens feel they get distracted by devices and don’t pay attention when they get together.  Although there needs to be more research on the impact of technology on the social and emotional skills of children, there is some preliminary research indicating that girls 8-12 years old express that media multitasking was associated with “feeling judged, feeling stressed and having hurt feelings.”  

The Common Sense Media report spends the rest of its report sharing the recommendations for parents in finding balance and embracing quality media usage.  I am not going to share those with you as you will be able to find those answers at our Monday night parent workshop

Setting Boundaries and Balancing Technology

Use for your Child

featuring

Dr. Eli Shapiro

of the Digital Citizenship Project

Monday, December 12, 2016 at 7:30 P.M.

I look forward to seeing you all there!

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette and behavior.

Seventh Grade:  How do we often judge others by they way they look or seem to us, is a question students considered.

Eighth Grade: Why do good, was a question the students considered. How does it impact on one’s personal development even with any personal gain?

Technology Addiction And Teens- We're In This Together

In 2011, I heard about the phenomenon of Half- Shabbat and wrote about it in my blog. I actually had  heard about the  existence of this behavior some time before that. The first time I heard about it I could not imagine what it meant. Is it sort of like keeping 1 and ½ days of Yom Tov in Eretz Yisrael if you are American? Not quite.

It is when someone in public appears to keep all the laws of Shabbat,  goes to shul etc.,  except that he texts his other friends who are “half-Shabbat” observers on Shabbat or engages on social media use. This phenomenon exists in every stream of Orthodox Judaism from the east to the west coast.  Why does this happen? How could this happen? How could it be that  children growing up in Shomer Shabbat homes and going to Yeshivot all their lives could lose the meaning of  Shabbat?  What are we doing wrong?  I, personally, was devastated. (The focus of my blog then was how to make Shabbat more meaningful- still relevant today).

Fast-forwarding to years later, I wondered if this phenomenon was still as prevalent as it seemed to be then.  I imagine it is still out there.  Although I did not find any articles from 2016, in a  2014 article in Tablet by Shira Telushkin, called “Shabbat Is A Day Of Rest- But Does That Mean I Can’t Text My Friends,” Telushkin deems half- Shabbat as still widespread.  

“He is a typical Modern Orthodox teenager from Boston. He comes from a religious family, attends Maimonides High School during the year, and spends summers at a Modern Orthodox camp. He is well-versed in his community’s prohibitions against using technology on Shabbat, but sometimes, he told me, on Saturday afternoons he and his friends ‘get so bored.’ That’s when their cell phones come out, in the privacy of bedrooms or basements, away from parents and other community members.

‘In the future I would definitely like a day of rest without technology,’  said the teenager who, like most students I interviewed for this article, asked that his name not be used, as his parents don’t know he uses his phone—or turns on lights in his room, or writes in his notebook—on Shabbat. ‘It’s not healthy to be so obsessed with social media. It’s not a necessity, it’s not water, it’s not air.’ But for now, he has no plans to keep his phone off throughout Shabbat.”

Even this young boy admitted he is “obsessed with social media.”  It is an obsession.  A 2011 story in The Jewish Week claimed that  50% of Modern Orthodox teens keep half-Shabbat, although others maintained it is closer to 17%.  

I revisit this topic because, as Telushkin notes, half-Shabbat simply mirrors broader society where “teenagers are addicted to cellphones, they don’t know how to live without their devices, and the peer pressure to stay socially aware at all times is unbearable.” Although Telushkin maintains that she does not believe it is as common as those fear, she does quote a high school student who said she is “‘dying from the guilt’ of breaking Shabbat, but she can’t stop.”  Sounds like an addiction to me.

The reason why there is this addiction is clear.  Almost all teens have smartphones, and checking on social media and or texting can be “quick and discreet.” And, most sleep near their cellphones so they are aware of them all day. In the Jewish Week’s   2011 article they note that this addiction is painful for the adults as well, (aside from their having their own addiction).  “Rabbi Perton said his day school recently tried to enforce a ban on using cell phones during school hours, ‘When we did take away a phone,’ he said, ‘the amount of pain the student was in was literally unbearable. The parents would beg and scream because they were getting it at home from their kid and just wanted to end their own misery.  If the students and their parents lose their equilibrium when a phone is taken away for a week, can such a child stop on Shabbos?’ the rabbi asks.  ‘I hope so, but do not know.’”

Chani, interviewed in that article said she started texting on Shabbat because “I was just so bored on Shabbat- I had nothing to do.”  That boredom is a reason that sets in- similar to the high schooler’s comment above.

This “technology addiction” prompted a study by Common Sense Media, an organization  dedicated to helping kids thrive in a world of media and technology.  They “ empower parents, teachers, and policymakers by providing unbiased information, trusted advice, and innovative tools to help them harness the power of media and technology as a positive force in all kids’ lives.” I’ve mentioned Common Sense Media before as they are my go to before I allow my children to watch any movie, tv show etc., as they rate each of them.  Additionally, they have educational information for parents and teachers related to technology.   

50% of teens feel they are addicted to their mobile devices, according to the Common Sense Media study.  59% of parents said their children were addicted.  80% of teens said they checked their phones hourly and 72% said they felt the need to immediately respond to texts and social networking messages.  36% of parents said they argued with their children daily about device use.  77% of parents feel their children get distracted by their devices and do not pay attention when they are together, at least a few times each week.  (Stay tuned to next week’s column when I speak more about the Common Sense Media survey).  

We know this addiction is not limited to children.  In fact the DSM-5, which establishes mental health disorders, listed “Internet Gaming Disorder” as a possible addition for a future DSM.  In summary, the diagnostic criteria for Internet Gaming Disorder include:

1.  Repetitive use of Internet-based games, often with other players, that leads to significant issues with functioning.  Five of the following criteria must be met within one year:

1. Preoccupation or obsession with Internet games.
2. Withdrawal symptoms when not playing Internet games.
3. A buildup of tolerance–more time needs to be spent playing the games.
4. The person has tried to stop or curb playing Internet games, but has failed to do so.
5. The person has had a loss of interest in other life activities, such as hobbies.
6. A person has had continued overuse of Internet games even with the knowledge of how much they impact a person’s life.
7. The person lied to others about his or her Internet game usage.
8. The person uses Internet games to relieve anxiety or guilt–it’s a way to escape.
9. The person has lost or put at risk and opportunity or relationship because of Internet games.  

Although technology is not a drug, and therefore the addiction is not exactly “chemical,”  “addicts” can become withdrawn, lost and depressed.  Sergio Diazgranados, in his article on Technology addiction, points to that boredom as one reason why the addiction is on the rise. We are thirsting the stimulation that technology provides. We are also seeking an escape from the stress of real life.  

What we do know is that in a Common Sense Media survey of Americans ages 8-18, children report that outside of school and homework tweens (ages 8-12) spend almost six hours per day  and teens spend almost nine hours per day using media. “Some would point to the sheer number of hours as evidence of an addiction.”  

What might be the negative repercussions of this addiction?  My column next week will outline some of those impacts. If this week’s column does not yet entice you to attend our December 12th workshop on “Setting Boundaries And Balancing Technology Use For Your Child” presented by Dr. Eli Shaprio, I hope that next week’s column will convince you.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: We began the unit “Hey Dude, That’s Rude” with discussion of some commonly accepted, yet difficult, etiquette rules.

Seventh Grade: What are the steps of empathy? Students were trained in empathy exercises.

Eighth Grade:  Students completed their “Self-evaluation” forms where they shared with administrators the activities and talents they have about which we might not know. We then discussed how the election, with a tone of disrespect, might have impacted on Americans and how are we doing at creating an atmosphere of respect in Yavneh Academy.