Last week Dr. Eli Shapiro joined us to discuss the parent’s role in managing technology in our home. We came away with some practical strategies and even technology ideas like OurPact to manage their phones. We talked about how to make a contract with your child and some rules that make sense for our families. But, there was one overarching theme that pervaded the evening. When planning the workshop with Dr. Shapiro he shared that implementing limits when it comes to technology is really all about parenting. All parenting which works is prefaced by a relationship with one’s child. Dr. Shapiro asserted that the reason why his teenager is able to follow the rules set up in his family is because of the relationship they have and have developed with much hard work over the years.
Dr. Shapiro surveyed students in local yeshivot and 52% of children reported that parents were the biggest influence on what they think is appropriate or inappropriate when using a cell phone or the internet. This pattern has been seen in the research in the general population in a variety of areas. Young and Well Cooperative Research Centre in Australia released a report finding substantial benefits when parents and kids engage in intergenerational conversations about technology use. Parents continue to have a strong influence when it comes to being smart, safe, respectful and resilient online. A Pew research study states, “parents are the most often cited source of advice and the biggest influence on teens’ understanding of appropriate and inappropriate digital behavior.”
In a Kaiser Family Foundation research study they found that nearly 80 percent of teenagers indicate that what their parents have told them and what their parents might think influence their decisions about sex and relationships. Despite the research, parents are still convinced that peers have more influence and they have very little influence on their children staying away from at-risk behaviors. A report from the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration says more than one in five parents of teenagers believe they possess little influence over whether their child drinks alcohol or experiments with drugs and tobacco, they therefore do not speak to their children about substance use. When 67,000 Americans ages 12 and older were surveyed as part of the annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health, teenagers who believe their parents would strongly disapprove of substance abuse were less likely than their peers to use them. Parents matter more than peers- what do you know?!
According to other research, parents matter more than schools! An article by Anne Murphy Paul, in Time Magazine, “Why Parenting Is More Important Than Schools” reports on a study which indicates that “parental involvement matters more for performance than schools.” “ A study published earlier this month by researchers at North Carolina State University, Brigham Young University and the University of California-Irvine, for example, finds that parental involvement — checking homework, attending school meetings and events, discussing school activities at home — has a more powerful influence on students’ academic performance than anything about the school the students attend. Another study, published in the Review of Economics and Statistics, reports that the effort put forth by parents (reading stories aloud, meeting with teachers) has a bigger impact on their children’s educational achievement than the effort expended by either teachers or the students themselves. And a third study concludes that schools would have to increase their spending by more than $1,000 per pupil in order to achieve the same results that are gained with parental involvement.”
We at Yavneh Academy are not closing up shop, but it is a relief to see how much of an impact we as parents also have on academic progress. Paul highlights that it is not just among the affluent parents who exercise “concerted cultivation of children.” The research reveals that “parents, of all backgrounds, don’t need to buy expensive educational toys or digital devices for their kids in order to give them an edge. They don’t need to chauffeur their offspring to enrichment classes or test-prep courses. What they need to do with their children is much simpler: talk.”
The research points to the impact of mathematical and spatial understanding from the type of language used at home. Vocabulary is clearly impacted. Among middle schoolers particularly they found that parents play an important role in “academic socialization” “setting expectations and making connections between current behavior and future goals (going to college, getting a good job).” Parents truly matter and make an impact on all areas of life- even with teens! And.. even when they seem annoyed by what we are saying and do not seem to be listening.
For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”
Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.
So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. At the end of the day, parental influence wins out!
Those of us who attended last week’s workshops ran home to implement some of the practical suggestions, but at the end of the day, the most important message we absorbed was to develop relationships with our children. To talk and talk and talk to them some more about what we hope for them, and the behaviors we expect from them. (And, of course, to listen as well!) They actually do listen. The research says so... even if they won’t admit it!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began to discuss the appropriate way to interact with teachers.
Seventh Grade- Continuing on the path to empathy and truly understanding the homeless- How expensive is it to live in America today?
Eighth Grade- How as the digital lives we lead affected our lifestyle and quality of life? Is there a need to disconnect sometimes? (This leads up to our Go Dark While The Candles Go Light Evening on December 29.. Stay tuned).
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