“Mi lashem eilai” “Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was the rallying call of Matityahu to unite the Jewish people. The best way to stand up to the Syrian- Greeks- physically and spiritually- was to unite. No matter what influences were surrounding the Jews, when they united they were able to triumph.
As parents, we are battling many negative influences that permeate the lives of our children each day. Whether from the media or from the overall culture in which we live, we often feel that as they enter the teenage years we are in battle. The problem is that we as parents do not unite enough.
A few weeks ago, as you know, we were privileged to host a parent workshop on the topic of setting boundaries and limits on our children’s technology use. I know that I need not spend any more time on this topic, but there was an important realization that all of us parents who attended left with that night. During one piece of the workshop, we broke into groups according to the ages of our children to discuss rules that we think we should put into place in our homes when it comes to technology use. We had the opportunity to hear some innovative ideas that others are already implementing. More importantly, we got the chance to see that we are all in the same boat and struggling with the same things. We talked about the ages we had decided to give our kids phones. We spoke about how much easier it would be if we were all implementing the same rules, (with some variation), across the board so that we need not be the only “mean parents.” Wouldn’t it be amazing if before we gave our children phones we parents would have a meeting to discuss some across the board regulations that we can all implement? How about for other rules like curfew? Supervision at parties? There is strength in unity. Just swapping ideas was supportive and helpful. We had the chance to unite.
The conversation should sound familiar.
Your child: “Everyone else is going. Why can’t I?”
You: “I don’t care what ‘everyone else’ is doing. You can’t go.”
Your child: “Why are you so mean? You’re the only parent who isn’t letting!”
You can fill in the blank, but this is a common interchange between a child and parent in the middle school years and beyond. Let me let you in on a little secret. Everyone is not going. Not everyone’s parent is letting. And, you are not the only mean one. The problem is we never unite so we do not know what the other parents are doing.
Over 20 years ago when I worked in a high school, a woman named Connie Greene, the Vice President for the Barnabas Health Behavioral Network Institute for Prevention, came to give a series of workshops in my school regarding parenting and substance abuse. She would laugh if she knew that I remembered a comment she made. She said (not exact words), “Parents, you need to band together and ‘plot.’ The kids are smarter than we are. They are banding together and ‘plotting’ already. You need to unite too.”
We need to talk to other parents and not isolate ourselves. We need to investigate what others are doing, and band together. There is strength in numbers. At the time, when I was working in that school, we spoke of parents getting together to meet about rules for parties. Any parent that was part of that group or “pact” would be considered a safe place to send your child to for a party.
On Thursday, we had a our Go Dark While The Candles Go Light challenge. We asked all middle schoolers and their parents to disconnect from their devices for dinner and one hour while the candles are lit. How much easier it would be to set limits and disconnect if parents united and all agreed on doing so at certain times!
On Friday, if you have not heard already, our sixth graders had a mock bar/bat mitzvah where I got to play the role of the bat mitzvah girl and Mr. Steiner was the bar mitzvah boy. We had speeches, a montage, a buffet and dancing- all chances to implement the proper behavior they had learned about in Advisory during bar/bat mitzvah celebrations. Let us not minimize how difficult the bar/bat mitzvah year is for our children. Balancing schoolwork, social life, extracurriculars and a simcha every weekend (if not two). And, on top of all that, when it is your own bar/bat mitzvah- all the preparation that needs to go into the big day which includes added pressure. One topic that often comes up among parents of the bnei mitzvah is the above pressure. Is the solution less parties? Shorter parties? Less demands on the child celebrating the simcha? Parents often shmooze over lunch about solutions. How about if we parents united and come up with some solutions?
“Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was Matityahu’s rallying cry. “Whoever is for strengthening our teens and implementing good values come with me!” is the parent’s rallying cry. Let us unite and support each other, and thereby strengthen our children.
Chag Sameach!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- You read about our bar/bat mitzvah celebration above. Sixth graders were told that we were hosting Aliza and Azi to celebrate their big days. Little did they know what the event truly was. Before each event a rhyming introduction reminded them of the etiquette rules we learned in Advisory for proper behavior and decorum. I even followed up with a thank you note- always proper!
Seventh Grade- Students finished their unit Operation Respect with focusing on economic struggles can be found in the Jewish community as well. As you know, their visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack, where they sang, conversed with the residents and gave out hats and gloves, was inspirational!
Eighth Grade- Students discussed the addictive nature of technology and the social and emotional impact it has.
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