We Dine Together

This past week I read of the story of Denis Estimon of Boca Raton Community High School. He remembers what it was like when he was a freshman and a new immigrant from Haiti. He felt lonely and isolated at lunch.  “It’s not a good feeling, like you’re by yourself. And that’s something that I don’t want anybody to go through,” said Denis. Now that Denis is a senior, and considered part of the popular group, he started a club called “We Dine Together” to make sure that no student has to sit alone at lunchtime. Members of the “We Dine Together” club seek out those who are alone, strike up a conversation and invite them to sit.  “The club has sparked hundreds of unlikely friendships since it formed last fall, and jocks and geeks now  sit side by side.”

This story brought to mind another current event that we shared with our sixth graders in Advisory.  In Hardin County, Kentucky they initiated the “Buddy Bench” program during recess. They found that some kids were alone during recess.  There came the idea of the “buddy bench”- actually initiated originally by a 2nd grader!  “If you are sitting on the bench …You are looking for a friend. When someone asks you to play, join them, and always remember to glance over at the school's Buddy Bench to invite new friends to join in on the fun.” If you are not sitting on the bench …Ask your classmate on the friendship bench to play, and make a new friend today! Keep growing your circle of friends until everyone has someone to play with. :)”  Although this concept might sound like it’s meant for younger children, the idea was one we presented to our sixth graders. We wanted them to focus on- what are they doing to notice those who are excluded?

How many of our children are looking to see who is left out during lunch or recess?  A familiar theme, as you have read in my column before. But, I could not pass up the opportunity to mention it again, as I read of Estimon’s story.

As we begin our Pesach preparations,  (I vacuumed under one bed today!), Pesach is the holiday of “We Dine Together” “Kol Dichfin Yesei V’Yeichal; Kol Ditzrich Yesei V’Yifsach.” “All who are hungry let them come and eat; all who are in need, let them come and celebrate Pesach,” as it says in the Haggadah. And, we know  there is a Mitzvah to count others into a single Korban Pesach- a Chabura. Even though one may bring and eat the Korban Pesach alone - one should do so with a group. This is the message of Vayikra 25:36,  ”V’chai achicha imach” – your fellow shall live with you. This is the message of inclusion.

We know how Judaism feels about the importance of making sure that people are not alone. Rabbi Yossie Ives points this out in regards to the death of a stranger on the road. In Devarim 21:4 it states that if a person is found dead on the road and it is not possible to discover the cause of death, then the elders of the nearest town need to enact a ceremony of penance in which they declare “Our hands did not spill this blood.” Upon this the Gemara in Sotah 45b: “Does anyone really think that the Elders of the Beth Din were murderers? Rather, for them perhaps not having left him without provisions or not having accompanied him along the way.” He was left alone, which made him more vulnerable.  

Our next unit in Advisory with our sixth graders includes the topic of popularity. Who is popular? What makes someone a leader? It is clear that in Judaism, a leader is chosen based on how he ensures that everyone is included and cared for. Moshe, the leader of the Pesach story, begins his path to greatness when Hashem witnessed how he cared for a lonely stray sheep.  (Shemot Rabba 2:2).  “ Moshe was shepherding his father-in-laws' sheep one day, when one of them bolted. Moshe followed the runaway animal until it reached a body of water where it stopped for a drink. Moshe compassionately said to the sheep, ‘If only I had known that you thirsted for water. You must be exhausted from running…’ Saying this, he scooped up the animal, placed it on his shoulders, and headed back to his flock. Said God: ‘If this is how he cares for the sheep of man, he is definitely fit to shepherd mine…’”

At the seder was pray “L’shana habaa b’Yerushalayim.” What will bring the redemption? We know that even the actual destruction of the Beit HaMikdash was the result of a story of exclusion,  The destruction of Jerusalem came through Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. A man had a friend Kamtza and an enemy Bar Kamtza. He once made a party and said to his servant, Go and bring Kamtza. The man went and brought Bar Kamtza. When the host found him there he said, “You tell tales about me; what are you doing here? Get out”. Said the other: “Since I am here, let me stay, and I will pay you for whatever I eat and drink.” He refused. Then let me give you half the cost of the party. He refused. Then let me pay for the whole party. He still declined, and he took him by the hand and put him out. “( Gittin 55b) The pain of being excluded led to his reporting on the Jews and led to the destruction.

One in six children report being victims of social exclusion.  Although it relates to all ages, adolescents are particularly vulnerable to feeling excluded and feeling rejected by peers. During this time period, children typically become increasingly independent from their parents and more dependent on their peer group.  Their identities are formed in relation to their peer groups. Therefore, the experience of not being a part of group is so much more traumatic. “Studies on the neurological profile of children suggest that their brain areas for emotion become more activated in response to peer rejection with age, and peek at adolescence”  (Bolling, Pitskel, Deen, Crowley, Mayes & Pelphrey, 2011). Students who are excluded have lower immune function, reduced sleep quality, difficulty calming themselves down when distressed, reduced self-esteem, increased anxiety and increased depression.

These children are “hungry” and they are waiting to be invitee to come and eat- literally and metaphorically.  We need to make sure that all who are hungry can come and eat. We need to dine together. We need to make sure whoever is on the buddy bench is invited.  As parents this is a message we need to stress with our children and model for them.  

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade-  Students began a unit on Friendship discussing “What qualities make a good friend?’

Seventh Grade-  Students learned about positive self-talk and upbeat thinking in developing resiliency.

Eighth grade-   A discussion about stereotyping was begun

The Stigma

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of parents uniting and sharing ideas among themselves as there is “strength in numbers.” (By the way, if you are interested in pursuing such an idea, please be in touch as we have some plans in the works).  One other reason why uniting as parents is essential is we support each other.  Some of us have been through particular situations already with our children and we can be a source of guidance for our friends.  

This past week Rabbi Ari Zahtz and Dr. David Pelcovitz hosted a teleconference “You Are Not Alone: Parenting a Child With Mental Health Challenges” to launch their program Project Ometz to support parents raising a child with mental illness in our community.  Their efforts are to assist parents of children struggling with mental illness in getting the essential support that they often do not get due to the stigma that still exists in the Orthodox community when it comes to mental illness. (If you missed this presentation the link is:  http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/873800/dr-david-pelcovitz-rabbi-ari-zahtz/you-are-not-alone-parenting-a-child-with-mental-health-challenges-project-ometz-launch/).

                                                

 Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, in his groundbreaking article in a 2001 issue of Jewish Action “Dimensions of Torment: A Young Man’s Story of Surviving Depression,” spoke of breaking the silence.  He shared of young people who perhaps would have found help if there “was less shame turning to someone, if the community had created a culture where mental illness was not ‘someone’s fault’ or reflective of a personal flaw, but a disease to be treated and discussed in the same way and with the same empathy that one speaks of kidney disease, diabetes and high blood pressure?”  Today, 16 years later, “too many of us still speak in whispers about mental illness. The stigma persists...it perpetuates a climate where people who can be eased of their suffering are reticent to seek out the help and support they desperately need.”  

In the 1986 issue of Tradition, Dr. Shalom Feinberg and Mrs. Karyn Feinberg wrote “The Rabbi’s View: The State Of Mental Health Needs In The Orthodox Jewish Community.”  They then surveyed 454 members of the Rabbinical Council of America- an organization of Orthodox rabbis in the United States- as to their perception of the mental health needs of the Orthodox Jewish community.  They too pointed to the stigma, and hypothesized as to the root of this stigma.  One factor is that there is a perception that if one suffers from emotional difficulties one is  “weak or even crazy.”  Additionally, there is the “shidduch anxiety,” which was brought up in Project Ometz’s teleconference.  There is worry that this illness might hurt chances for marriage or for even the marriage of a family member.  Dr. Irving Levitz, in the Journal of Psychology and Judaism, Winter, 1979, described the “issue of gossip and its potentially destructive power in the Orthodox world.  Any information with a ‘spicy’ connotation may be quickly disseminated within the community.”  

Dr Bin Goldman, in his article   “Let’s Talk About Mental Health Stigma In The Jewish Community”  writes of the struggle that parents of children with mental illness live. If you are a parent of child with mental illness, “you may have to endure regular judgments, spoken and unspoken about your parenting. You may also have internalized the stigma from around you and are judging and belittling yourself.”  Project Ometz is meant to help parents out of the isolation that they often feel.  

In his introduction to the teleconference, Rabbi Zahtz shared that Adar is a time of joy, and sadly there are those who are unable to feel that joy due to life’s circumstances. They feel alone. Haman said that there is a nation that is “am m’fuzar u’mfurad.”  When Bnai Yisrael are spread  out, isolated and are alone they are weak.  The answer to combat this problem was “Leich knos hayehudim” -when we unite as a community we can “v'nahafoch hu”- we can turn around change the perception.  Uniting together to support each other is the cure.

What can we as parents do to de-stigmatize mental health issues and support those in our community who are struggling?

As you know, our middles schoolers are reading the book Out of My Mind, which tells the story of a severely disabled girl and her perceptions of that going on around her. As a follow up to this book, some of our English teachers have our students working on projects about various disabilities.  A few of our students  have taken on the topics of mental health issues.  For some, this is their first introduction to mental health issues. They are being educated about what mental illness truly is. As parents, we can play a role in making it clear that mental illness is a disease. We would never make fun of someone who has diabetes, or heart disease. We would support him in whatever he needs. Mental illness is no different. We need to say that very clearly.

Recently, in current events, there are some stories that brought mental health to the fore. February 2017 was launched by Princess Kate and Prince William as Children’s Mental Health Week. Their goal was to change perceptions about mental health. And, for those Star Wars fans out there, Carrie Fisher died at the end of December. She was known for being open about her struggle with bipolar disorder, and did play a significant role in destigmatizing mental illness.  These are two current event stories to discuss at the table with your children.

Lastly, as we come off of Parent Teacher Conferences, I want to encourage parents to share mental health concerns with us at school- with whomever you are comfortable. If your child is struggling with anxiety, depression or any other mental health concern, we want to create an environment in school for him or her that is as safe and comforting as possible.  We will do anything and everything we can to support your child and you.  Please do not hesitate to reach out as we are stronger together.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  

Students finished their unit on Time Management learning how to prioritize their work.  They also did a mini-unit on effective partner work and inclusion during recess.

Seventh Grade:

Students focused on managing the many stressors we have day to day.

Eighth Grade-  

Honesty and ethics- how do we view the importance of those qualities in the “real world?”