A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of parents uniting and sharing ideas among themselves as there is “strength in numbers.” (By the way, if you are interested in pursuing such an idea, please be in touch as we have some plans in the works). One other reason why uniting as parents is essential is we support each other. Some of us have been through particular situations already with our children and we can be a source of guidance for our friends.
This past week Rabbi Ari Zahtz and Dr. David Pelcovitz hosted a teleconference “You Are Not Alone: Parenting a Child With Mental Health Challenges” to launch their program Project Ometz to support parents raising a child with mental illness in our community. Their efforts are to assist parents of children struggling with mental illness in getting the essential support that they often do not get due to the stigma that still exists in the Orthodox community when it comes to mental illness. (If you missed this presentation the link is: http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/873800/dr-david-pelcovitz-rabbi-ari-zahtz/you-are-not-alone-parenting-a-child-with-mental-health-challenges-project-ometz-launch/).
Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, in his groundbreaking article in a 2001 issue of Jewish Action “Dimensions of Torment: A Young Man’s Story of Surviving Depression,” spoke of breaking the silence. He shared of young people who perhaps would have found help if there “was less shame turning to someone, if the community had created a culture where mental illness was not ‘someone’s fault’ or reflective of a personal flaw, but a disease to be treated and discussed in the same way and with the same empathy that one speaks of kidney disease, diabetes and high blood pressure?” Today, 16 years later, “too many of us still speak in whispers about mental illness. The stigma persists...it perpetuates a climate where people who can be eased of their suffering are reticent to seek out the help and support they desperately need.”
In the 1986 issue of Tradition, Dr. Shalom Feinberg and Mrs. Karyn Feinberg wrote “The Rabbi’s View: The State Of Mental Health Needs In The Orthodox Jewish Community.” They then surveyed 454 members of the Rabbinical Council of America- an organization of Orthodox rabbis in the United States- as to their perception of the mental health needs of the Orthodox Jewish community. They too pointed to the stigma, and hypothesized as to the root of this stigma. One factor is that there is a perception that if one suffers from emotional difficulties one is “weak or even crazy.” Additionally, there is the “shidduch anxiety,” which was brought up in Project Ometz’s teleconference. There is worry that this illness might hurt chances for marriage or for even the marriage of a family member. Dr. Irving Levitz, in the Journal of Psychology and Judaism, Winter, 1979, described the “issue of gossip and its potentially destructive power in the Orthodox world. Any information with a ‘spicy’ connotation may be quickly disseminated within the community.”
Dr Bin Goldman, in his article “Let’s Talk About Mental Health Stigma In The Jewish Community” writes of the struggle that parents of children with mental illness live. If you are a parent of child with mental illness, “you may have to endure regular judgments, spoken and unspoken about your parenting. You may also have internalized the stigma from around you and are judging and belittling yourself.” Project Ometz is meant to help parents out of the isolation that they often feel.
In his introduction to the teleconference, Rabbi Zahtz shared that Adar is a time of joy, and sadly there are those who are unable to feel that joy due to life’s circumstances. They feel alone. Haman said that there is a nation that is “am m’fuzar u’mfurad.” When Bnai Yisrael are spread out, isolated and are alone they are weak. The answer to combat this problem was “Leich knos hayehudim” -when we unite as a community we can “v'nahafoch hu”- we can turn around change the perception. Uniting together to support each other is the cure.
What can we as parents do to de-stigmatize mental health issues and support those in our community who are struggling?
As you know, our middles schoolers are reading the book Out of My Mind, which tells the story of a severely disabled girl and her perceptions of that going on around her. As a follow up to this book, some of our English teachers have our students working on projects about various disabilities. A few of our students have taken on the topics of mental health issues. For some, this is their first introduction to mental health issues. They are being educated about what mental illness truly is. As parents, we can play a role in making it clear that mental illness is a disease. We would never make fun of someone who has diabetes, or heart disease. We would support him in whatever he needs. Mental illness is no different. We need to say that very clearly.
Recently, in current events, there are some stories that brought mental health to the fore. February 2017 was launched by Princess Kate and Prince William as Children’s Mental Health Week. Their goal was to change perceptions about mental health. And, for those Star Wars fans out there, Carrie Fisher died at the end of December. She was known for being open about her struggle with bipolar disorder, and did play a significant role in destigmatizing mental illness. These are two current event stories to discuss at the table with your children.
Lastly, as we come off of Parent Teacher Conferences, I want to encourage parents to share mental health concerns with us at school- with whomever you are comfortable. If your child is struggling with anxiety, depression or any other mental health concern, we want to create an environment in school for him or her that is as safe and comforting as possible. We will do anything and everything we can to support your child and you. Please do not hesitate to reach out as we are stronger together.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade:
Students finished their unit on Time Management learning how to prioritize their work. They also did a mini-unit on effective partner work and inclusion during recess.
Seventh Grade:
Students focused on managing the many stressors we have day to day.
Eighth Grade-
Honesty and ethics- how do we view the importance of those qualities in the “real world?”
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