Substance Abuse In The Jewish Community- Where Have We Been?

This past Sunday evening I joined hundreds of fellow Bergen County residents at a standing room only event to raise awareness of the addiction and substance abuse in our community.  I salute the Formans, who came forward with their family’s story and spearheaded this effort.  Rabbi Larry Rothwachs through his important article in The Link and his stirring presentation Sunday evening, has challenged our community to speak about this issue facing OUR children- all of them.

As I sat in the audience, I sadly thought “There’s nothing new here- why don’t people know?  Why are people still surprised? Why do we still need to do this? ” In 1999, Kirsten Danis, in an article in the New York Post already wrote, “Addiction: Secret Shame of Orthodox Jews.” In that article, she mentions the formation of the organization MASK- Mothers Aligned Saving Kids to run support meetings and referrals for Jewish “Kids in trouble.” The group’s founder states, “People just did not know what to do. We don’t sweep it under the carpet anymore.” This was 1999. Nothing new here.

Around the same time,  about 20 years ago, when I was working in a yeshiva high school, the principals of local BJE high schools joined together to discuss the substance abuse problem in our yeshiva high schools.  They decided that no school could do substance abuse programming alone, as no one wants to be identified as the “drug school.”  So, they agreed that their guidance staff would meet together to create a substance abuse awareness week in all of our schools at the same time.  These schools were in Long Island, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New Jersey.  We, as guidance staff, met together and created workshops and programs for students and parents, and were proud of this initiative. 

This was just the beginning.  As the years progressed high schools implemented social/emotional curricula- including substance abuse workshops and programs.  (As colleagues, we then decided that sharing resources as mental health professionals in schools was so vital that we would form a group we called the Yeshiva Counseling Network.  We still do meet to share ideas, resources and training).  Even in our 8th grade we do a substance abuse unit with our students. 

In 2008, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a specialist in addiction, wrote, “We live in a society that is awash in drug use. Drugs are everywhere- even in Torah institutions...Children from the nest families may use drugs.”

At that time, (in 2008), our Yeshiva Counseling Network guidance group joined forces with the Orthodox Union to form a Safe Schools pact to assert the importance of creating and maintaining a substance free environment through proactive student education, parent education and partnership, and  appropriate responses to substance use.  This was spurred on by an incident at the time where police raided a party of Orthodox Jewish teens hosted by an 18 year old student where there was drug and alcohol use. 42 teens were arrested, some as young as 14.  At the time, 30 yeshivot, (including the school where I worked), signed on to this pact. Education and prevention meant proactive programming.  To appropriately respond to substance use, the pact stated that when there is concern about a child’s use, he will be evaluated by a certified substance abuse counselor. If intervention or treatment is recommended, as long as the child and the parents agree to abide by the entire plan, the child will “remain in good standing throughout the process.”  This contract was sent home with the tuition contract and no student is allowed to register or attend school without the signatures of the parent and child. We also created the role we called the “Faculty Point Person” who would be contacted if there is a concern about a child when it comes to substance use and oversees the screening.  This protects the confidentiality of the child.  The pact also discussed random drug testing. 

The Safe Home directives was also part of this agreement. It involved supervision at home and not sending a child to a party or get-together without adult supervision. Parents were asked to notify the parents of a child who arrives intoxicated or brings alcohol or any other illegal substances to a party.  (Safe shuls was part of the OU initiative where parents were asked to eliminate the shul kiddush clubs).

 In 2015, in Jewish Action Bayla Sheva Brenner wrote an article, “Coming Out Of Denial: Drug Addiction In The Orthodox Community.”  (We are still coming out of denial!!!) There she outlined the proliferation of drugs even among children as young as 14.  She talks about what are the telltale signs. “All of a sudden, their group of friends changes. They want to sleep more; their personality starts to change; they’re not as talkative.”

As you can tell, I am a bit frustrated. It’s now 2018 and we seem to be repeating ourselves. Why?  Why haven’t we gotten the message yet?

Lest I sound totally discouraged, I want to make clear that all that was said Sunday evening was critical.  There were even some “new” points which I feel we haven’t stressed enough in the past.

What was “new” at the evening (or at least bears repeating)?

1. The stigma is intense. One speaker told a story of a woman who was an addict who said that she wouldn’t go to treatment due to the impact the stigma would have on her family.  When the response to her in the intervention meeting was that she might die, she responded she’d rather die and have no stigma affect her family.  That is why the Formans' bravery was so impactful. They single- handedly minimized the stigma.  
2. Addiction is an illness,  and you need to figure out where the pain is coming from.  Many addicts are self- medicating to dull pain- whether anxiety, depression stemming from bullying, never succeeding in school, trauma etc. Our children need our attention- undivided time to truly listen.  If they are engaged in drugs, they need to know you won’t turn them away.
3. As Rabbi Rothwachs said, the addict is a victim. He may be a victim of genetics, biochemistry, circumstances- even trauma or abuse.  He may be a victim of the overbearing pressure of our community to perform in all arenas and from being misunderstood.  Perhaps he cannot find success in school or feels on the outs socially. He, therefore,  turns to drugs to escape it all.
4. A person who engages in drugs is not lacking in ethics, morals and does not have poor self- control.  We are judgmental and are blaming.  Substance abuse is an illness over which many do not have the ability to exert self- control. We as a community need to start being less judgmental.  Addiction is an illness and does not reflect poorly on the parenting of the child nor on the moral and ethical compass of the child.
5. We often think of addiction as proliferating among the young in the “party scene.” But, there are many adults we may actually know who are in throes of addiction or have a history. Rabbi Rothwachs stressed the importance of not pressing other adults to drink. (See this Amudim video on the topic at:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYbQ19I455Y ). LIfnei iver lo titen michshol. Let us not put a stumbling block in front of those who are predisposed to be addicts. We have a shocking degree of tolerance among adults for drinking.  We need to look closer at our own alcohol use.
6. Addiction to pain medication is more rampant than we imagine.
7. We believe if we close our eyes we can inoculate our children. We think if we embrace one who is addicted we may be infected. Rabbi Rothwachs proclaimed these beliefs as utterly illogical.  
8. The treatment for drug addiction does involve finding G-d.  Some addicts have religious conflict and have nowhere to go to speak about these issues.
9. Children who have a hard time expressing their hardships are more prone to turn to substances.  Talk to your children.  Hear what’s on their minds. Love them even when they are going through this tough time.
10. The college years, when the children leave their homes and they have more freedom, is often the time when those at-risk begin to abuse.
11. Vaping is becoming more common. Children need to learn about the danger.

In the Jewish Standard article before the event, Elana Forman said, “Basically I was a child like anyone else.  And, then, right before high school, I started feeling that I wasn’t like my peers.  I felt lonely and misunderstood.  And my solution, the way I found to cope with these feelings, was alcohol.  I started drinking when I was about 13. I took it from my parents’ liquor cabinet, and I associated with my friends who were doing the same things. We all took from our parents, and we had older friends who were able to buy it.” Elana continued to seem fine on the outside, but was not at all. So many things struck me about Elana’s words, but as someone who works with middle school children I thought, “This all began in middle school.”  It is hard to absorb. 

But, even before I read those words, I knew that we cannot wait for high school to make our children aware of  the dangers of substance use. That is why each year we have a substance abuse unit with our 8th graders.  (In addition to the units on resiliency, peer pressure and social/emotional skills our students learn about in Advisory in all grades). Our 8th graders begin to learn about the dangers they might face when it comes to alcohol and other substances. They learn about the physiological harm it can do to your body and to your emotional life, and the impact it has on your family.

One last critical point...In the  1999 New York Post article the Ms. Danis mentions that there was a school for 14 boys called Torah Academy being founded for struggling boys. These boys could also receive substance abuse counseling in a nearby substance abuse counseling center.  I am not sure of the status of that school. But, as we know,  substance abuse often begins with children struggling with mental health issues. We do NOT have a Jewish therapeutic school for children who cannot make it in mainstream Yeshiva settings due to their emotional needs.  I am waiting for the next night when the community gets together and proclaims that we need a Jewish therapeutic school. 

For me, the element that was truly “new” was the Formans' courage in coming forward. They clearly demonstrated the importance of lifting the stigma from this disease so that people do not feel alone and families can get help.

Here is a NJ number set up by Amudim for substance abuse help and assistance: 2014648000

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned the L.E.A.D.E.R. skills essential in being an “upstander.” They also began to learn about how cell phones are often abused to hurt others.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned more about the cultural, academic and economic BDS movement and how it is harmful to Israel.  More importantly, they learned why we must do something!

Eighth Grade:  Students learned about the dangerous effects of substance use.  

    

"Free- range Parenting"- Are We Overprotective?

On May 8,  Utah will be the first state to protect parents’ rights to practice “free-range parenting” of their children by changing what is considered child neglect.   Under this law, neglect does not include “permitting a child, whose basic needs are met and who is of sufficient age and maturity to avoid harm  or unreasonable risk of harm, to engage in independent activities,” such as going to school, to the park, local stores or bicycling by themselves. The goals of this new legislation is to protect parents who allow children to do things like travel alone to school,  and to prevent “nuisance” calls from taking time away from child protective services from dealing with serious issues of neglect.

Lenore Skenazy has popularized the term “free- range parenting,”  and is the author of  Free- Range Kids : Giving Our Children the Freedom We had Without Going Nuts With Worry.   She has written about the negative effects of overparenting and overprotection so that children are not growing with the necessary coping skills for independence.  “Free- range” is the term used with livestock when they are kept under natural conditions. Free -range parenting is a parenting philosophy where children are raised with less parental supervision to accept realistic risks meant to be consistent with the child’s developmental age. It is often seen as the opposite of “helicopter parenting.”  Most states have laws that assert that a children need to be a certain age to be left alone. Skenazy maintains that children can only learn to make good decisions in risky situations by practicing the need to do so independently, and  that is what free- range parenting allows.   

How about child safety and dangerous predators and accidents?   A recent article by Melissa Mayer on Apri 11, 2018 in Health News noted that actually the world is safer than it has ever been.  “When it comes to all dangers one might imagine unattended children face- death, abduction, traffic accidents- the incidence for all of those things was historically low and infinitesimally small.  In fact, an unaccompanied child is more likely to be hit by lightning than experience premature death or stranger abduction.” In this world where we teach “stranger danger” to our children, (and I maintain we should!), free -range parents preach a different message: “The world is inherently safe, humans are mostly kind and young people are definitely capable.”

Despite this reality, with constant media access, it does seem that the world is a more dangerous place. And, with cell phones allowing us to have connection with our children, it does provide some reassurance to parents, but we still believe that unsupervised children are in danger.  

LenoreSkenazy feels that there a number of reasons why parents are fearful for their children today. The media is always broadcasting tragic and scary news.  Our culture is litigious and people are constantly focused on negligence and risk.  Experts are always telling parents that they are parenting wrong and in a manner that’s harmful to their children.  The child safety industrial complex will convince parents of danger so that they can sell their safety devices.  “If you can convince parents that their kids are in any kind of danger- physical, psychological, emotional- you can get them to buy almost anything ...once you have rewritten childhood as a  minefield, (even as child mortality rates reach historic lows), you can sell parents anything.” Skenazy adds that now that we are in constant contact with our children and “can know everything about your child every second of every day, anytime you choose not to know, you are making a conscious decision to opt out of your role as

omniscient protector. This means, that now, if something bad does happen, instead of sympathy, the parent can expect a dose of haters: ‘Why didn’t she GPS him?’ ‘Why wasn’t she watching more closely?

A few weeks ago, CBS aired an episode of 48 Hours interviewing those who were on the case of Eitan Patz’s disappearance in 1979. Eitan was a six year old who was allowed to walk to his school bus stop two blocks from his house for first time by himself and was abducted. That case “changed the way parents watched over their kids.”  That is understandable.   

 I am not saying that I agree with Skenazy.  I am quite an overprotective mother myself. But, there is an element of truth in her words. This past week, as we commemorated Yom Hashoah, I often think of the young ages of my my grandparents who were older teens during the horror, or even of the younger ones, like Rabbi Lau, who was a small child.  G-d forbid that our children should ever experience something like that, but when one thinks about how these children were able to face difficulty at such a young age- they had resiliency that our children do not have nowadays.  My Zeidy used to tell how at the age of 9 he started his own business to help raise money for his family.  My 9 year old is busy going to baseball and playing Lego.   

And, as we celebrated Yom Haatzmaut, I think about how Israeli children are more resilient than in a row,  according to the UN’s annual Happiness Report. The United States is 18th.  How is it possible that they face the challenges of being surrounded by enemies and their teens need enter the army, and yet they are the 11th happiest country?  Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, whom I have quoted in the past, famous for his development of the science of happiness, recently returned to Israel after being abroad. for 15 year, (some of that time  teaching his famous course on Happiness at Harvard).   I recently watched a documentary where  Ben Shahar analyzes what makes Israel special called “Israel Inside: How A Small Nation Makes A Big Difference.” Ben Shahar notes that Israelis’ focus on family is one reason for the happiness they have.  More importantly, everyone is family.  He humorously notes that when he goes to the park with his children, he gets numerous pieces of unsolicited advice about how to raise them.  Why? Because every person in Israel is family.  He then interviews others who note that small children can cross the street alone in Israel for they know that some adult will stop and hold his hand… again, unsolicited.  Children walk to school alone, take buses by themselves and 9 year olds take their 3 year old siblings to playdates.  Perhaps it is the fact that all are family that allows Israelis to give their children that freedom. Israel has a strong sense of community, says Ben Arieh in the article, “It’s OK to walk Home Alone.- Compared to their American counterparts, Israelis prefer ‘free-range parenting’ over the hovering helicopter type.

Inbal Arieli, in her article “For Israeli Kids Every  Day is Independence Day” agrees. “From the moment they can raise their heads, we encourage our sons and daughters to explore the world around them without fear and constraint.” She speaks of the importance of parents “getting out of the way” and letting them go exploring even when it is not safe. She claims that this risk- taking explains the innovations and entrepreneurship  for which Israelis are famous. “We are a much less risk-averse society, and this willingness to make to make mistakes gives way to more resilient children and eventually, amazing inventions.” She continues to compare Israeli children to the Jews of the Torah who wandered in the desert for 40 years.  “They learn to take responsibility for their own destiny.”

I hate to argue with Ms. Arieli, but the Jews in the desert still had their “Parent” - Hashem to watch over them.  They did have a “omniscient Protector.” They were not simply wandering unsupervised in the desert.  Perhaps that is the secret to the independence- a knowledge that Hashem is there watching out for us.  That is the emunah found by those in the Holocaust and those children being raised in the miraculous Medinat Yisrael.  And, so there needs to be a happy medium.  Just like our Father in Heaven has modelled for us that the role of the parent is to provide some independence, but to always keep a watchful eye.  

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on bullying and the importance of being an upstander with some practical strategies.

Seventh Grade- As the beginning of their unit Do Not Stand Idly By- Students heard Mr. Shahar Azani from Stand With Us about the issues facing Israel in the world today. Students began learning about the BDS movement and the danger it poses for Israel.

Eighth Grade- Students began a unit on Substance Abuse and its effects.  Stay tuned to my column next week to hear more.