On May 8, Utah will be the
first state to protect parents’ rights to practice “free-range parenting” of
their children by changing what is considered child neglect. Under
this law, neglect does not include “permitting a child, whose basic needs are
met and who is of sufficient age and maturity to avoid harm or unreasonable risk of harm, to engage in
independent activities,” such as going to school, to the park, local stores or
bicycling by themselves. The goals of this new legislation is to protect parents
who allow children to do things like travel alone to school, and to
prevent “nuisance” calls from taking time away from child protective services
from dealing with serious issues of neglect.
Lenore Skenazy has popularized the term “free- range parenting,” and is the
author of Free- Range Kids : Giving Our Children the Freedom
We had Without Going Nuts With Worry. She
has written about the negative effects of overparenting and overprotection so
that children are not growing with the necessary coping skills for
independence. “Free- range” is the term used with livestock when they are
kept under natural conditions. Free -range parenting is a parenting philosophy
where children are raised with less parental supervision to accept realistic
risks meant to be consistent with the child’s developmental age. It is often
seen as the opposite of “helicopter parenting.” Most states have laws
that assert that a children need to be a certain age to be left alone. Skenazy
maintains that children can only learn to make good decisions in risky
situations by practicing the need to do so independently, and that is what free- range parenting
allows.
How about child safety and dangerous predators and accidents? A recent
article by Melissa Mayer on Apri 11, 2018 in Health News noted that actually the world is safer than it has ever been. “When it comes to all dangers one might imagine unattended
children face- death, abduction, traffic accidents- the incidence for all of
those things was historically low and infinitesimally small. In fact, an
unaccompanied child is more likely to be hit by lightning than experience
premature death or stranger abduction.” In this world where we teach “stranger
danger” to our children, (and I maintain we should!), free -range parents
preach a different message: “The world is inherently safe, humans are mostly
kind and young people are definitely capable.”
Despite this reality, with constant media access, it does seem that the world is a more
dangerous place. And, with cell phones allowing us to have connection with our
children, it does provide some reassurance to parents, but we still believe
that unsupervised children are in danger.
LenoreSkenazy feels that there a number of reasons why parents are fearful for their
children today. The media is always broadcasting tragic and scary news.
Our culture is litigious and people are constantly focused on negligence
and risk. Experts are always telling parents that they are parenting wrong and in a manner that’s harmful to their children. The child safety industrial complex will convince parents of
danger so that they can sell their safety devices. “If you can convince parents that their kids
are in any kind of danger- physical, psychological, emotional- you can get them
to buy almost anything ...once you have rewritten childhood as a
minefield, (even as child mortality rates reach historic lows), you can
sell parents anything.” Skenazy adds that now that we are in constant contact with our children and “can know everything about your child every second of every day, anytime you choose not to know, you are making a conscious decision to opt out of your role as
omniscient protector. This means, that now, if something bad does happen,
instead of sympathy, the parent can expect a dose of haters: ‘Why didn’t she
GPS him?’ ‘Why wasn’t she watching more closely?
A few weeks ago, CBS aired an episode of 48 Hours interviewing those who were on the case of Eitan Patz’s disappearance in 1979. Eitan was a six year old who was allowed to walk
to his school bus stop two blocks from his house for first time by himself and
was abducted. That case “changed the way parents watched over their kids.”
That is understandable.
I am not saying that I agree with Skenazy. I am quite an overprotective mother myself. But, there is an element of truth in her words. This past week, as we commemorated Yom Hashoah, I often think of the young ages of my my grandparents who were older teens during the horror, or even of the younger ones, like Rabbi Lau, who was a small child.
G-d forbid that our children should ever experience something like that,
but when one thinks about how these children were able to face difficulty at
such a young age- they had resiliency that our children do not have
nowadays. My Zeidy used to tell how at the age of 9 he started his own business to help raise money for his family. My 9 year old is busy going to baseball and playing Lego.
And, as we celebrated Yom Haatzmaut, I think about how Israeli children are more
resilient than in a row, according to the UN’s annual Happiness Report.
The United States is 18th. How is it
possible that they face the challenges of being surrounded by enemies and their
teens need enter the army, and yet they are the 11th happiest country?
Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, whom I have quoted in the past, famous for his
development of the science of happiness, recently returned to Israel after
being abroad. for 15 year, (some of that time
teaching his famous course on Happiness at Harvard). I
recently watched a documentary where Ben Shahar analyzes what makes Israel special called “Israel Inside: How A Small Nation Makes A Big Difference.” Ben Shahar notes that Israelis’ focus on family is one reason for the happiness they have.
More importantly, everyone is family. He humorously notes that when he
goes to the park with his children, he gets numerous pieces of unsolicited
advice about how to raise them. Why? Because every person in Israel is
family. He then interviews others who note that small children can cross the street alone in Israel for they know that some adult will stop and hold his hand… again, unsolicited. Children walk to school alone, take buses by themselves and 9 year olds take their 3
year old siblings to playdates. Perhaps it is the fact that all are family that allows Israelis to give their children that freedom. Israel has a strong sense of community, says Ben Arieh in the article, “It’s OK to walk Home Alone.- Compared to their American counterparts,
Israelis prefer ‘free-range parenting’ over the hovering helicopter type.
Inbal Arieli, in her article “For Israeli Kids Every Day is Independence Day”
agrees. “From the moment they can raise their heads, we encourage our sons and
daughters to explore the world around them without fear and constraint.” She
speaks of the importance of parents “getting out of the way” and letting them
go exploring even when it is not safe. She claims that this risk- taking
explains the innovations and entrepreneurship for which Israelis are
famous. “We are a much less risk-averse society, and this willingness to make
to make mistakes gives way to more resilient children and eventually, amazing
inventions.” She continues to compare Israeli children to the Jews of the Torah
who wandered in the desert for 40 years. “They learn to take responsibility for their own destiny.”
I hate to argue with Ms. Arieli, but the Jews in the desert still had their “Parent” -
Hashem to watch over them. They did have a “omniscient Protector.” They
were not simply wandering unsupervised in the desert. Perhaps that is the secret to the
independence- a knowledge that Hashem is there watching out for us. That
is the emunah found by those in the Holocaust and those children being raised
in the miraculous Medinat Yisrael. And, so there needs to be a happy medium.
Just like our Father in Heaven has modelled for us that the role of the
parent is to provide some independence, but to always keep a watchful eye.
Advisory
Update
Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on bullying and the importance of being an
upstander with some practical strategies.
Seventh
Grade- As the
beginning of their unit Do Not Stand Idly By- Students heard Mr. Shahar Azani
from Stand With Us about the issues facing Israel in the world today. Students
began learning about the BDS movement and the danger it poses for Israel.
Eighth Grade- Students began a unit on Substance Abuse and its effects.
Stay tuned to my column next week to hear more.
No comments:
Post a Comment