As we commemorate
Memorial Day and remember all the heroes of our nation, I consider
that the Jewish people are the “People of Memory.” As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her
article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last
through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded
on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands
us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of
the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus;
remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us
keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the
founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance
is the secret of redemption.”
In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article
“History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English,
which was from the Greek. He points out that the absence of the word in
the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in
Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found
numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “ It goes far beyond
semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.
You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of
“memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory. Put differently: History is
made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”
And,
so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism in not interested in recalling dry facts,
but rather in “reliving” experiences. That is why there is so much
reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t
just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples,
the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying
up all night on Shavuot. Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation
of at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har
Sinai- all present and future souls. This is different from other
religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must
trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our
fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves. In Judaism
every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one
of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem. As
each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most
seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.”
The last mitzvah Hashem gave to Moshe was the mitzvah
that each person should write his own sefer Torah, which was to recreate the
personal Divine giving over the Torah to each Jew . And, the last conversation
Moshe had with Bnai Yisrael was instructing them of the mitzvah of Hakhel- when
all people, even infants, would come to hear parts of the Torah read on Sukkot.
Hakhel was to reenact Kabbalat HaTorah. And, so the Torah becomes a
living experience. It was not someone else’s history or story, but their own.
Clearly, memory, (not history), plays an integral role in
the perpetuation of Judaism. It plays an important role in parenting as well.
Sarah Chana Radcliffe, in her article “ Say It With Cheesecake” speaks of the unusual focus on cheesecake on
Shavuot while we should really focusing on the Torah we received. She
notes “The custom to eat delicious dairy, which keeps our attention focused on
the seemingly mundane, physical aspect of our existence, allows us to
understand a higher spiritual concept. Clearly, our teachers wanted us to enjoy
learning our lessons.” Radcliffe notes that our rabbis knew what
psychologists just recently confirmed- that emotional memory enhances learning.
The more intense an emotion is when learning, the more one is prone to recall
what is learned.
The same is true with parenting as well, states
Radcliffe. If we want our children to recall rules or values we put into
place, we need to create positive emotional experiences around the learning.
She uses the example of asking our children hundreds of times to stop
leaving their shoes in the front hall and use the shoe rack. We need to create an emotionally charged
lesson for the correct behavior to be imprinted in their memory. The example
she then bring is: Let’s say your son’s favorite food is cheesecake. If you
place a slice of cheesecake in a container on the shoe rack, and tape the
instructions to the container, “1. Place the container on the floor. 2. Put
your shoes in the spot where the container was. 3. Take the container to
the kitchen table, open it, and eat.
Enjoy!” This enjoyment will be
ingrained in his brain, and after a few
more similar emotionally charged lessons
he will remember to put his shoes in the shoe rack. Why not a negative emotionally charged
moment- i.e. screaming at him? That actually reduces learning ability, and
negatively impacts on the relationship.
Similarly, embarrassing a child to get him to toe the
line, won’t work either. Embarrassment has an interesting effect on
memory, notes Melissa Dahl in her book Cringeworthy. Psychologist
James Danckert notes that we relive past embarrassments. With other
emotions, like boredom for example, we can recall feeling that way, but the
feeling does not come back with the memory. But, with embarrassing
situations, when you recall it, often “you get embarrassed all over again.”
There is the sort of memory to which Rabbi Kalmenson referred- reliving the
moment, but not positively in this case. We, therefore, need to be
all the more careful when it comes to embarrassing our children. Those memories
never fade.
Memory does affect our own parenting strategies and
techniques in other ways. According to the journal Psychological
Science the difference between parents who are able to keep it cool when
their children are involved in frustration causing behaviors and those who lost
it is the difference in their working memory. “Parents with less
developed working memory are more likely to lash out at their children in
moments of frustration.” Working memory is the memory system that pulls up and
temporarily stores the memories necessary to complete a task. When parents are
able to quickly pull up past experiences and reflect upon them, they are more
easily able to stay calm in aggravating situations. Memory enables us as
parents to keep calm and carry on.
And, of course,
childhood memories impact on a child’s development, even if he/she cannot
actively recall the event. We as parents can influence the type of
memories our children will have. Kitty
Black, in her article “Can Parents Influence Childhood Memories” cites that
children who are raised in the Maori culture have earlier and more detailed
childhood memories. This is because the practice of telling children stories
about their past. Parents who converse with their children often are more
likely to have children who have memories with rich detail. These conversations should highlight their
feelings about an event and not just the details. Asking them questions about
the event also forces them to tell the story, which adds to the permanence
of that memory. There are also
implicit memories which are imprinted in our brains, even if we cannot actively
recall them. Even implicit memories can impact on our development- positive or negative.
How can we
determine the the memories our children retain will be positive? Memories
tend to showcase a critical childhood relationship, says Black, and typically
between a parent and child. “Experiences were remembered more frequently
than toys, and the most ordinary interactions were remembered more frequently.
Daily occurrences that highlighted a special relationship were more
likely to make the cut than a one- off big ticket item or trip. It
doesn’t matter what you provide to your children as long as you give them pieces
of your heart and your time. That’s what
they’ll remember.” They may not remember all the details, but they will
remember that they are loved.
One last piece of research on memory this Memorial Day.
In past blogs we’ve discussed putting away technology when “making
memories” whether on family trip or other experiences. There has been
research on “digital dementia” that impacts even teenagers today, indicating
that those who rely heavily on technology may actually suffer “a deterioration
in cognitive abilities such as short term memory dysfunction.” In the article
“Digital Dementia: The Memory Problem Plaguing Teens And Young Adults,” Dr.
Carolyn Brockington said that one reason they suffer from poor memory due to
technology use is they do not feel the need to memorize information anymore due
to overuse of technology. “We’re not relying on our brains to sort or
retrieve the information when we need it.” The less you use your short term
memory, the more difficulty you will have with it. High smartphone use has also been linked to
“reluctance to spend energy on thinking” or “cognitive miserliness.”
Memory clearly impacts on our connection to Judaism,
development and even our parenting styles. On this Memorial Day may we
remember to parent with memory in mind.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade; Students went over the finals- what they are,
their purpose, how to best prepare and the actual schedule, and planned a
tentative study schedule.
Seventh Grade; Students coordinated our amazing BIG- Buy
Israeli Goods weekend to fight BDS and to not stand idly by.
Eighth Grade; In preparation for our 8th grade dinner,
students wrote “compliments” about their classmates which will be made
into labels that will be in the sefer they receive from the school.
