Memorial Day And Memory

            As we commemorate Memorial Day and remember all the heroes of our nation,   I consider that the Jewish people are the “People of Memory.”  As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus; remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance is the secret of redemption.”

            In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article “History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English, which was from the Greek.  He points out that the absence of the word in the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “ It goes far beyond semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.  You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of “memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory.  Put differently: History is made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”

            And, so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism in not interested in recalling dry facts, but rather in “reliving” experiences.  That is why there is so much reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples, the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying up all night on Shavuot.  Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation of at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har Sinai- all present and future souls.  This is different from other religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves.  In Judaism every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem.  As each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.”

            The last mitzvah Hashem gave to Moshe was the mitzvah that each person should write his own sefer Torah, which was to recreate the personal Divine giving over the Torah to each Jew . And, the last conversation Moshe had with Bnai Yisrael was instructing them of the mitzvah of Hakhel- when all people, even infants, would come to hear parts of the Torah read on Sukkot.  Hakhel was to reenact Kabbalat HaTorah. And, so the Torah becomes a living experience. It was not someone else’s history or story, but their own.

            Clearly, memory, (not history), plays an integral role in the perpetuation of Judaism. It plays an important role in parenting as well.  Sarah Chana Radcliffe, in her article “ Say It With Cheesecake”  speaks of the unusual focus on cheesecake on Shavuot while we should really focusing on the Torah we received.  She notes “The custom to eat delicious dairy, which keeps our attention focused on the seemingly mundane, physical aspect of our existence, allows us to understand a higher spiritual concept. Clearly, our teachers wanted us to enjoy learning our lessons.”  Radcliffe notes that our rabbis knew what psychologists just recently confirmed- that emotional memory enhances learning. The more intense an emotion is when learning, the more one is prone to recall what is learned. 

            The same is true with parenting as well, states Radcliffe.  If we want our children to recall rules or values we put into place, we need to create positive emotional experiences around the learning.  She uses the example of asking our children hundreds of times to stop leaving their shoes in the front hall and use the shoe rack.  We need to create an emotionally charged lesson for the correct behavior to be imprinted in their memory. The example she then bring is: Let’s say your son’s favorite food is cheesecake. If you place a slice of cheesecake in a container on the shoe rack, and tape the instructions to the container, “1. Place the container on the floor. 2. Put your shoes in the spot where the container was. 3.  Take the container to the kitchen table, open it, and eat.  Enjoy!”  This enjoyment will be ingrained in his brain,  and after a few more  similar emotionally charged lessons he will remember to put his shoes in the shoe rack.  Why not a negative emotionally charged moment- i.e. screaming at him? That actually reduces learning ability, and negatively impacts on the relationship.

            Similarly, embarrassing a child to get him to toe the line, won’t work either.  Embarrassment has an interesting effect on memory, notes Melissa Dahl in her book Cringeworthy.  Psychologist James Danckert notes that we relive past embarrassments.  With other emotions, like boredom for example, we can recall feeling that way, but the feeling does not come back with the memory.  But, with embarrassing situations, when you recall it, often “you get embarrassed all over again.” There is the sort of memory to which Rabbi Kalmenson referred- reliving the moment, but not positively in this case.   We, therefore, need to be all the more careful when it comes to embarrassing our children. Those memories never fade.

            Memory does affect our own parenting strategies and techniques in other ways.  According to the journal Psychological Science the difference between parents who are able to keep it cool when their children are involved in frustration causing behaviors and those who lost it is the difference in their working memory.  “Parents with less developed working memory are more likely to lash out at their children in moments of frustration.” Working memory is the memory system that pulls up and temporarily stores the memories necessary to complete a task. When parents are able to quickly pull up past experiences and reflect upon them, they are more easily able to stay calm in aggravating situations. Memory enables us as parents to keep calm and carry on.

             And, of course, childhood memories impact on a child’s development, even if he/she cannot actively recall the event.  We as parents can influence the type of memories our children will have.  Kitty Black, in her article “Can Parents Influence Childhood Memories” cites that children who are raised in the Maori culture have earlier and more detailed childhood memories. This is because the practice of telling children stories about their past.  Parents who converse with their children often are more likely to have children who have memories with rich detail.  These conversations should highlight their feelings about an event and not just the details. Asking them questions about the event also forces them to tell the story, which adds to the permanence of  that memory.  There are also implicit memories which are imprinted in our brains, even if we cannot actively recall them. Even implicit memories can impact on our development- positive or negative. 

             How can we determine the the memories our children retain will be positive?  Memories tend to showcase a critical childhood relationship, says Black, and typically between a parent and child. “Experiences were remembered more frequently than toys, and the most ordinary interactions were remembered more frequently.  Daily occurrences that highlighted a special relationship were more likely to make the cut than a one- off big ticket item or trip.  It doesn’t matter what you provide to your children as long as you give them pieces of your heart and your time.  That’s what they’ll remember.” They may not remember all the details, but they will remember that they are loved.  

            One last piece of research on memory this Memorial Day.  In past blogs we’ve discussed putting away technology when “making memories” whether on family trip or other experiences.  There has been research on “digital dementia” that impacts even teenagers today, indicating that those who rely heavily on technology may actually suffer “a deterioration in cognitive abilities such as short term memory dysfunction.” In the article “Digital Dementia: The Memory Problem Plaguing Teens And Young Adults,” Dr. Carolyn Brockington said that one reason they suffer from poor memory due to technology use is they do not feel the need to memorize information anymore due to overuse of technology.  “We’re not relying on our brains to sort or retrieve the information when we need it.” The less you use your short term memory, the more difficulty you will have with it.   High smartphone use has also been linked to “reluctance to spend energy on thinking” or “cognitive miserliness.” 

            Memory clearly impacts on our connection to Judaism,  development and even our parenting styles. On this Memorial Day may we remember to parent with memory in mind.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students went over the finals- what they are, their purpose, how to best prepare and the actual schedule,  and planned a tentative study schedule.

Seventh Grade; Students coordinated our amazing BIG- Buy Israeli Goods weekend to fight BDS and to not stand idly by.

Eighth Grade;  In preparation for our 8th grade dinner, students wrote  “compliments” about their classmates which will be made into labels that will be in the sefer they receive from the school.