Weathering Life's Storms

 

When my mother sent me this meme I immediately related to each one of the eleven lessons noted in it.  It made me think about the lessons that our children need to weather the real-life storms in their lives. 

The first type of storms our children will confront is that of “stormy emotions.”  In fact, psychologist Dr. G. Stanley Hall, called adolescence a period of “storm and stress” when teens are often moody, in conflict and even engage in risky behaviors. He deemed adolescence a period of lack of control, similar to a storm. Dr. Albert Bandura, in his paper, “The Stormy Decade: Fact or Fiction?”  actually cited research that indicated that most adolescents do not see their teenage years as stormy.  He feels that in fact parents are often concerned if they have positive relationships with their teens and are constantly bracing themselves for that stormy relationship to develop.   (If your teen is not storming- don’t be suspicious! Just be grateful!). 

Regardless, the teenage years are definitely times of change physiologically and hormonally.  We know that the prefrontal cortex,  (the area of the brain that controls reasoning and thinking before acting),  is still developing and teens tend to rely on the amygdala (associated with emotions, impulses and instinctive behaviors), to make decisions.  And, an intense dependence on peers, and fear of peer rejection can lead to emotional reactions.  So, adolescence is indeed full of some “stormy emotions.” (Of course, some degree of storm and stress is normal during this time, but if these behaviors are so extreme it may be time to consult a mental health practitioner).  

What I find to be wonderful in working with teens is that they can be very rational and insightful. But, when they are upset, they cannot connect with that rational side.  So, what to do when our teens are facing those stormy emotions?

1.  Realize that there is often an underlying issue for the “storm” or tantrum. 

2. We need to remain the calm in the storm. If our child is suffering, we may suffer with them. If they are yelling at us we may yell back. We are then joining our child in the emotional storm.  We need to take a break before we rush in to put out the fire. Allow the storm to settle.  This way we can avoid snapping at our children, or reacting angrily, which we might regret later. (And, of course, our children learn how to weather storms by seeing how the adults in their lives weather theirs).

Darcy Harbour, in her article “Calm In The Eye of Our Child’s Emotional Storm” talks about the importance of being a lighthouse for our children when they are storming.  “Try to be an observer rather than a participant. This requires parents to employ our own emotion regulation skills. Take a deep breath and find our calm. We are the lighthouse and our child is the ship in distress. Let our calming light guide our child through the storm...Shine a light without getting on the boat”   In essence we are telling him/her “I am here and you are safe.”  We are here to help you find your way. 

3. Validate, validate, validate.  Research in fact shows that by simply naming the emotions our children are feeling they will start to feel better.  No, “You’re overreacting!” or “Calm down already!”  When we tell them to suppress their emotions we are invalidating them.  We don’t have to agree with their feelings to validate them.  Sometimes just feeling heard helps them move on to “calmer waters.”

4. We need to avoid blaming our children or ourselves for the storm that has ensued. 

Kayla Marnach in “Life Storms Are Going To Happen” notes that like weathermen, if we can predict the storm we can help our children prepare and not only weather it and survive, but thrive. 

1.  Look for weather patterns. By knowing what causes difficulty for a child, you can head off potential problems by preparing the child with what is going to happen. Then you can work together to brain “storm” options to lessen the effects.

2.  Be prepared. Just like you need to have an umbrella and galoshes for those rainy times, having a survival packet with you that contains a bottle of water, chewing gum, a fidget toy, even an online meditation app- whatever your child needs to self-regulate.   

3. Choose your view. You can either attempt to run from the storm (deny it’s going to happen), be defiant in the face of it (make unreasonable demands of the child thereby creating more dysregulation), or embrace it, knowing that afterward a rainbow will come (love the child through it).

Some other techniques we can teach our children to help them weather stormy times in their lives are:

1. Practice optimism- optimism is mostly learned.  It does not mean ignoring the reality of a difficult situation, but to view the challenge in a more hopeful way.  Optimism is most definitely contagious. 

2. Positive self-talk. Reframe the negative that has happened.  

3. Encourage our children to help others. One might assume that when going through tough times only receiving support from others helps. But, in fact, supporting others and moving outside oneself actually enhances one’s own resilience and helps a person get through adversity. 

At times, we need to allow the rain to continue to pour down.  In Tara Cousineu’s article “Finding Comfort In An Emotional Storm: The R.A.I.N. Technique”   she recommends the importance of R.A.I.N. when we or our teens are feeling overwhelmed.

R.- Recognize.  Recognize what is going on in your mind, your body- your emotions and sensations without any judgment.  At times we may want to name what is going on  “I feel resentful…” 

A.- Allow.  Allow your feelings to be there despite their being uncomfortable or painful.  Do not suppress what you are feeling. 

I.-  Investigate.  Investigate what you are feeling with kindness and care- no accusations.  Befriend yourself as you would care for another in an atmosphere of safety and understanding. 

N.-  Nurture/Nourish.  Take care of yourself.  And, N can also be non- attachment- take a step back and do not let your emotions hijack your reaction.  “RAIN allows you to find refuge from the emotional storm by a very deep inner sense of peace, comfort, and homecoming.”

In this week’s parasha it is a תיבה which saves Noach from “stormy waters.” This word תיבה is found elsewhere in the Torah by the story of baby Moshe as he is placed in a תיבה to also save his life.   The תיבה represents Hashem’s protection. As it says in Beraishit 9:16, after Noach brought all into the ark  : ויסגור ה’ בעדו, “And, G-d shut him in.”  Hashem Himself insulated Noach in the תיבה. Life will indeed be full of stormy times when we need to face turbulence and insecurity.  As, I have written before, reminding ourselves that G-d is always with us to care for us is another element which can contribute to our mental health, resilience and hope for the future.  As often and as much as we can reinforce and model this message with our children will contribute to their resiliency. 

The key to all the skills above, including the spiritual one noted in the previous paragraph, is to practice them when the seas are  calm and there is smooth sailing so that when the inevitable storm does arrive we are ready to face and ride the waves. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a new unit on Time Management.

Seventh Grade: Students began a training session empathy skills. 

Eighth Grade:  Students continued with interview skills, including mock interviews.

Facing Challenge Through Improvisation

 

Years ago I formed  relationship with Mrs. Staci Block who coordinates the Reflections Teen Theater Program-a division of Family Guidance of Bergen County Department of Human Services. Reflections is a volunteer teen theater program where the teens present improv- improvised scenes on social emotional topics.  Mrs. Block and her team have been performing for our sixth graders on topics that involve peer pressure.  After each scene is acted out, the actors stay in character and engage the students in an interactive discussion.  The actors then come out of their roles and share their own personal thoughts on the scenarios acted out.  

I had always thought of improv as an effective tool to relay social emotional skills as the students passively watched the performance.  I do, however, now realize that we as educators and parents do and should actively engage our children in “improv.”  

 Esther Rabi, in her article “Can’t Be Sure” writes how improv is a “script for embracing uncertainty. The actors have no scripts. They get up on stage without knowing what the performance will be about…Learning how they do it can give us the confidence to deal with the uncertainties of real life.”  In real life, there are no scripts. This time of the coronavirus is replete with uncertainty and  we are to a certain extent making it up as we go along. 

Rabi highlights some important tricks of the trade of improv actors that we can use in our real-life “improvisations.”  She stresses how essential these tips are especially now or during any times of uncertainty: 

1.  Listen- Improvisation is not doable if the actors are not listening to one another.  Without truly listening to what others are saying we will not know how to act or react. 

2. “Yes, and…”- This tip means that one must first accept what the other actor comes up with and then come up with his/her line.

3. Collaborate-  Not only does an actor need to accept what the other has said, but now he/she needs to take it and build on it. 

Improvisers accept what others feel and say and are not judgemental. By collaborating with and supporting each other we can manage better...even or especially when we do not have a script. 

Interestingly enough, there has been recent research demonstrating that improvisation can be effectively utilized in mental health treatment and can help individuals cope with anxiety disorders and depression.  It is particularly helpful with social anxiety. Surveys with students with social anxiety indicated that after improv workshops they felt less social anxiety symptoms. Improv “forces” the participants to tolerate uncertainty.  Avoidance is also a component of anxiety disorders- as those with anxiety often avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable and prefer situations that are more predictable.

 This therapeutic improv incorporates elements of exposure therapy. In exposure therapy the therapist creates a safe environment to expose the client to that which they fear and avoid. Slowly through controlled exposure psychologists create a safe environment in which to expose individuals to the things they fear and avoid, which will lessen their fear of the situation. Peter Felsman, one of the organizers of therapeutic improv workshops through his program Nobody’s Business, says that the improv allows them a safe place to practice exposure to the uncomfortable situations and repeated exposure to the unknown. In improv actors act in the moment and cannot spend time worrying about how it will turn out. The improv ensures that the participants are not engaging in avoidance, which often prevents them from overcoming their anxiety.  He notes that also “unconditional positive regard”  in improv also helps in that improvisers must “agree with each other’s realities and then add onto the scene in order for the improvised scenes to develop.”  They accept each other's comments without judging.  “Most of us experience some form of not being good enough, and improv provides a unique environment where, not only are you good enough, but you’re 100 percent accepted. This acceptance and positive experience allows people to step out of their comfort zones, experiment, and experience situations they might normally avoid due to their anxiety disorders.”  While engaging in the role play of improvisation the actors learn to become more spontaneous and adaptable on the “stage of life.” 

We as parents and educators can use improvisation in our homes to help our children practice so they can react in beneficial ways on that “stage of life.” We might also call this educational tool “role play.”  When our children are about to face a situation that might be a challenging one for them it is a good idea to have them prepare and practice what they might do and say.  We utilize this technique in our Advisory classes, but it is most definitely a technique to use at home. For example, just this week in our 8th grade Advisory classes we did interview role plays where the students were able to practice without a script. A few weeks ago we role played with our sixth graders how to have a conversation.  We spend time role playing how to communicate with a friend when you are unhappy with what he/she is doing. How to resist peer pressure- i.e. when you are at a party and things are going on of which you don’t approve...we practice how to “say no” without antagonizing your friends.  We role play how to react when you see someone else being picked on or excluded. 

 Practicing before having to actually face these challenging situations allow the reactions to become more automatic and even more natural.  If your child needs to approach a teacher about an issue, it is a wonderful idea to have them role play with you so he/she can practice.  If your child is in a texting feud with a friend, practicing with you how to have a conversation with him/her may be essential for having him/her feel at ease.  Or even little things, like role playing how to greet an adult and how to say thank you after a carpool or how to accept a compliment are all things we take for granted, but our children often need to practice. 

As parents, if we are worried about how our children will react when faced with certain dilemmas and what choices they will make in certain situations, we can do a role play with them before they are faced with those challenges. We can tell them verbally over and over how to react in situations, but often role playing can be helpful. This is one reason why each year we do our “mock Bar/bat mitzvah” event where our sixth graders have the opportunity to practice that which we discuss in Advisory about appropriate behavior at smachot. In fact, it is also a great idea to supplement the role play we do with your children with role playing how to be a host at a simcha, i.e.  how to react to a Mazel tov, how to interact during the dancing, what to do after the rabbi speaks etc. Before your child goes to his first tween/teen party, role play situations that you think might pop up.  Or, before sending him/her to sleepaway camp for the first time, when he/she won’t have you there to consult, role play some situations that might ensue.  The more our children actively practice the skills they need to face challenging situations, the more ingrained those skills and actions become.  They can then more comfortably face those situations in real-time.

But, how can we ensure that our children will actually implement what they have practiced when faced by the situations in real-life?  If we practice over and over, eventually they will become natural and part of who they are.

The importance of acting out scenarios and situations so that they are ingrained and part of our psyche is stated clearly in the Sefer HaChinuch Mitzvah 16.   “  כי אחרי הפעלות נמשכים הלבבות “ “A person is formed by his actions.”  Our external actions affect our inner feelings and reactions.  One might think that how you feel inside affects how you act.  The Sefer HaChinuh highlights an important psychological phenomenon- that it is the opposite-  the way we act often affects how we feel. As he explains, “You must know, that a man is acted upon according to his actions; and his heart and all his thoughts always follow after the actions that he does - whether good or bad... And from that which is not for its own sake comes that which is for its own sake [as opposed to being for personal gain]; for the hearts are drawn after the actions.”  

We know that one needs to practice, practice, practice as noted in the Rambam Hilchot Deot, 1:7. The Rambam asks how can we ensure that positive character traits become part of who we are- even ones that we do not naturally have and need to work on?  “How can one train himself to follow these temperaments to the extent that they become a permanent fixture of his [personality]? He should perform - repeat - and perform a third time - the acts which conform to the standards of the middle road temperaments. He should do this constantly, until these acts are easy for him and do not present any difficulty. Then, these temperaments will become a fixed part of his personality.”  We need to stress to our children that every skill is at first difficult, but becomes easier with practice. 

And, so while when we role play these situations with our children, it may not be what they would be naturally inclined to do at first, but once they practice over and over, eventually these reactions will be part of their personality. 

(One other area where children “role play” which may not be positive for them is when they play a role on social media.  Teens often create fictional personas of themselves online as they interact with people they may not really know. They may be people that are deemed “safe”- friends of their friends from camp etc., but people they have not met.   While hopefully not dangerous, we may want to question whether it is healthy for children to engage in fictional posts. This all comes down to monitoring our children’s social media use, as we hopefully are doing already, so we can assess what is fun and harmless and what is not).  

Overall, we have learned these past months that we cannot foresee what will happen, but we can prepare our children and ourselves to prepare for the unforeseen.   We can help them learn how to react when there is no script.  The world is full of situations that are beyond our control, but one variable we can control is how we respond.  Through improv or role play we can train our children to think through scenarios in their heads and consider, “If I do this then this and this will happen.”  They can evaluate the situations in a non-threatening situation before they are faced with the stress of reacting in the moment in real-life.   

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders began a new unit in Advisory on Time Management. They “got to know” their planners better this week. 

Seventh Grade:  Our seventh graders began a new unit called Operation Respect.  The goal of this unit is to inculcate skills of empathy through developing a relationship with a homeless shelter in Hackensack. The students  had an incredible live zoom presentation from Ms. Adelina Garabet who introduced the students to the homelessness in Bergen County, what issues they are facing and what the shelter does to help the homeless get back on their feet. 

Eighth Grade:  Students learned “interview smarts” where they discussed some interview tips- for both in-person and virtual interviews, and had the chance to do some role-playing.