Tu B'Shevat Parenting

  As we celebrate Tu B’shevat one might wonder how this day applies to us non-farmers and those not living in an agricultural society.  Yet, according to Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s book on parenting and חינוך called זריעה ובנין בחינוך Planting and Building in Education- planting is an integral part of raising our children. So, in essence, as parents we are all farmers.  

A child needs both planting and building. Planting is fostering what is already found inside the child. “A child’s growth needs attentive care, like the growth of a tree or a grain. Special emphasis needs to be placed on the organic process.  If we want something particular to sprout  we must be careful to plant precisely what we want, and afterward the seeds will sprout from themselves as a natural process.

On the other hand, there is construction.  We must build a mensch. It is impossible to depend on sprouting alone.

If I build the child and help him acquire maalot (positive quality traits), but I don’t relate to his כח הצמיחה- his power to grow, then his כח הצמיחה will slowly wither and the child will be a robot. He will probably do what he is told, but he won’t possess any internal vitality.  When the child matures he will continue to do what he must, but he won’t possess individual initiative, since initiative flows from כח הצמיחה, and the כח הצמיחה long ago withered away and rotted.  All that is left is a human robot.”

And, so, continues Rav  Volbe, we need to both help a child sprout and grow so that he will develop his inner self, but with some structured building so he will not be a “wild person.” 

There are many ways a child is like a tree.  There are particular times for planting. If we plant too early, before the land is fertile, then nothing will grow. If we plant too late, nothing will sprout. 

As parents, we need to ascertain a child’s ability and match our expectations to his ability. This ability might change as he gets older or might be an integral part of who he is.  

 In Mishlei 22:6 It states: 

חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ

Educate a child according to his way. 

Before we educate a child we need to ascertain HIS WAY.  Rav Wolbe discusses how we know a banana plant has needs different from an apple tree.  If we care for a banana plant like an apple tree, it will not grow. Likewise if we raise our child in a way that is not right for him, then he will not grow.  Or perhaps the child will do what we tell him to do despite it being against his nature for now.. But as he grows he will abandon that way.   

I recently read an article by Tony Redfern called Raising Trees and Children. He spoke about something called a Cinch Tie which he used in growing a tree in his backyard.   The cinch tie was described as “ "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees." 

These were the instructions on the label:  

"Young trees need support, not restraint,   in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement  is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."

The balance between support  and stimulating growth. This is the balance between  זריעה  - planting/growth and בנין - support/structure.  

Every child needs structure, but also “wind movement” and the ability to be who he is meant to be- to grow according to the type of tree he is. 

So, let’s all put on our overalls and straw hats and start “growing” our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students talked about cyber etiquette. 

Seventh Grade:  Students considered how they can apply what they learned about respect and empathy to their everyday lives. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed current events and the importance of coming forward when they are concerned about possible abuse. 

Parents Talking With Teens About Abuse

  During the past weeks there have been two stories prominent in the news related to sexual abuse.  First, the verdict of Ghisalaine Maxwell, who enabled Jeffrey Epstein’s sexual abuse of teenage girls.  Second, the case of author Chaim Walder who sexually abused many who trusted him, ending in his suicide.  

Our middle schoolers have all gone through the Magen Yeladim abuse training educating them on how to protect themselves and how to watch out for “suspicious” behaviors that make them feel uncomfortable. Additionally, in 7th grade we have frank sessions on sexual harassment and abuse- even when the perpetrator is someone for whom they care or respect-  and how to go for help.  In 8th grade when we speak about relationships we stress the warning signs in relationships and how we all deserve to be treated. 

While I do believe that we have covered much in school, as parents, we must see that what is going on in current events is clearly a “teachable moment.”  I apologize that I am bringing this up on Sunday (which is when my column comes out), as I know that most of us have long meals and discussion time on Shabbat.  But, this teachable moment will still be there next week. 

Why is it necessary to have this discussion at home when it seems that our children have learned it all in school?  Because one essential component of this discussion is speaking with our children about why victims often do not come forward…to their parents.  And, we can say over and over again in school that one should never be afraid to come to one’s parents to share something that feels “not right.” And, we do say it over and over again.  But, until a child hears those words from a parent’s mouth, they do not make the same impact. 

In order to highlight what we as parents need to directly say, we need to consider: Why do children often not come forward in the first place? 

1. At times the abuser is someone close to the child or someone the community and, more importantly, the parent admires.  Children are afraid we will deny their claims. They feel no one will believe them in the face of the respected member of the community. The abuser might even say, “No one will believe you.”   As parents, we must assert  in this table discussion that no matter who the perpetrator is and no matter how close the perpetrator is to me,  I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU. 

2. Children are afraid the perpetrator will reject them or even hurt them or someone else in their family.  In our classes at school we speak about how often the abuser is in a position of power and is perceived to be in control of their future.  We need to stress with our children WE WILL ALWAYS DEFEND YOU- no matter how much power that person has.  (As in both the Epstein and Walder situations the abuser commited suicide. The abuser may even threaten the victim, “I will kill myself if you tell.”  It must be clear to your child that as a parent your priority is their safety, and those deaths are not the victims fault). 

3. At times the victim loves and cares about the perpetrator. The victim feels conflicted.  Here, as parents we stress, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY COMING FORWARD.  You are stopping this person from hurting you and others. 

4. Children at times feel guilty and responsible for the abuse.  They may even enjoy some of the physical sensations and feel ashamed.  You stress that it IS NEVER THEIR FAULT! 

5. Children feel bad that they have caused pain to their family.  As parents we relay the message WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER- YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN and we will get through this together. You cannot do this alone. 

6. Remind them that if anyone ever asks them to keep a secret from their parents that person cannot be trusted. YOU CAN TELL ME EVERYTHING! 

Another reason to not only leave this conversation to happen in school is that we need to continue having these conversations as our children grow into other stages in their lives- even through college where there are at-risk situations they will face.  Especially as they get older the issues of consent versus abuse are essential.  We need to continue to use the media as teachable moments. We can even speak to them about caring for their friends if they are noticing something that makes them feel uncomfortable.  

There has been article after article printed after the Walder case came out, and I believe all has been written. But, I do want to stress one more thing we can do as parents. 

A reminder about what to do if a child comes forward to you about suspected abuse, especially if the perpetrator is someone you respect or care about. 

1.  Note that children rarely lie about abuse. Tell them you believe them. Stay supportive and accept what they are saying. Never respond with “How could it be? Not him!”  

2.  Stay calm- if you get angry, even if it is directed at the perpetrator, the child may become scared. 

3. Consult with an expert. 

As we raise our children we need stress to them that we are all created בצלם אלוקים and we all deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.  Our bodies are holy and we have an obligation to keep them safe- as it says in Devarim 4:15  וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּ֥ם מְאֹ֖ד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶ֑ם - You should guard yourself well.  And, of course we cannot stand idly by and allow abuse to happen לֹ֥א תַֽעֲמֹ֖ד עַל־דַּ֣ם רֵעֶ֑ךָ- you shall not stand by when your fellow’s blood is being shed. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed the upcoming report card and how to plan with their parents for future success.

Seventh Grade;Students began a discussion of what it takes to lead financially stable lives in the Jewish community. 

Eighth Grade: Students finished a unit on honesty and cheating.