During the past weeks there have been two stories prominent in the news related to sexual abuse. First, the verdict of Ghisalaine Maxwell, who enabled Jeffrey Epstein’s sexual abuse of teenage girls. Second, the case of author Chaim Walder who sexually abused many who trusted him, ending in his suicide.
Our middle schoolers have all gone through the Magen Yeladim abuse training educating them on how to protect themselves and how to watch out for “suspicious” behaviors that make them feel uncomfortable. Additionally, in 7th grade we have frank sessions on sexual harassment and abuse- even when the perpetrator is someone for whom they care or respect- and how to go for help. In 8th grade when we speak about relationships we stress the warning signs in relationships and how we all deserve to be treated.
While I do believe that we have covered much in school, as parents, we must see that what is going on in current events is clearly a “teachable moment.” I apologize that I am bringing this up on Sunday (which is when my column comes out), as I know that most of us have long meals and discussion time on Shabbat. But, this teachable moment will still be there next week.
Why is it necessary to have this discussion at home when it seems that our children have learned it all in school? Because one essential component of this discussion is speaking with our children about why victims often do not come forward…to their parents. And, we can say over and over again in school that one should never be afraid to come to one’s parents to share something that feels “not right.” And, we do say it over and over again. But, until a child hears those words from a parent’s mouth, they do not make the same impact.
In order to highlight what we as parents need to directly say, we need to consider: Why do children often not come forward in the first place?
At times the abuser is someone close to the child or someone the community and, more importantly, the parent admires. Children are afraid we will deny their claims. They feel no one will believe them in the face of the respected member of the community. The abuser might even say, “No one will believe you.” As parents, we must assert in this table discussion that no matter who the perpetrator is and no matter how close the perpetrator is to me, I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU.
Children are afraid the perpetrator will reject them or even hurt them or someone else in their family. In our classes at school we speak about how often the abuser is in a position of power and is perceived to be in control of their future. We need to stress with our children WE WILL ALWAYS DEFEND YOU- no matter how much power that person has. (As in both the Epstein and Walder situations the abuser commited suicide. The abuser may even threaten the victim, “I will kill myself if you tell.” It must be clear to your child that as a parent your priority is their safety, and those deaths are not the victims fault).
At times the victim loves and cares about the perpetrator. The victim feels conflicted. Here, as parents we stress, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY COMING FORWARD. You are stopping this person from hurting you and others.
Children at times feel guilty and responsible for the abuse. They may even enjoy some of the physical sensations and feel ashamed. You stress that it IS NEVER THEIR FAULT!
Children feel bad that they have caused pain to their family. As parents we relay the message WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER- YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN and we will get through this together. You cannot do this alone.
Remind them that if anyone ever asks them to keep a secret from their parents that person cannot be trusted. YOU CAN TELL ME EVERYTHING!
Another reason to not only leave this conversation to happen in school is that we need to continue having these conversations as our children grow into other stages in their lives- even through college where there are at-risk situations they will face. Especially as they get older the issues of consent versus abuse are essential. We need to continue to use the media as teachable moments. We can even speak to them about caring for their friends if they are noticing something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
There has been article after article printed after the Walder case came out, and I believe all has been written. But, I do want to stress one more thing we can do as parents.
A reminder about what to do if a child comes forward to you about suspected abuse, especially if the perpetrator is someone you respect or care about.
Note that children rarely lie about abuse. Tell them you believe them. Stay supportive and accept what they are saying. Never respond with “How could it be? Not him!”
Stay calm- if you get angry, even if it is directed at the perpetrator, the child may become scared.
Consult with an expert.
As we raise our children we need stress to them that we are all created בצלם אלוקים and we all deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. Our bodies are holy and we have an obligation to keep them safe- as it says in Devarim 4:15 וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּ֥ם מְאֹ֖ד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶ֑ם - You should guard yourself well. And, of course we cannot stand idly by and allow abuse to happen לֹ֥א תַֽעֲמֹ֖ד עַל־דַּ֣ם רֵעֶ֑ךָ- you shall not stand by when your fellow’s blood is being shed.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed the upcoming report card and how to plan with their parents for future success.
Seventh Grade;Students began a discussion of what it takes to lead financially stable lives in the Jewish community.
Eighth Grade: Students finished a unit on honesty and cheating.
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