I recently read an article by Esther Rabi called “Take Your Pick” about helping our children learn how to make decisions. She quotes Dr. Barry Schwartz, author of Paradox of Choice who says there are two different types of choice makers. Maximizers- “they agonize over every possible option and then suffer from anticipatory regret, (“What if the store gets an even nicer coat next week”?), post-decision regret, mourning the options they nixed.”
The other type of choice maker is a “satisficer” which is a combination of the words “satisfied” and “sacrificed.” These choice makers are content with their decisions as they are “good enough.” Schwartz speaks about the importance of teaching our children that good enough is good enough. So, if we know our children are “maximizers” then the less choices we give them the better. Talking through their choice making out loud is also helpful. And, we should also model for them our choice making by verbalizing our decision making out loud.
The teenage years are years where our children often feel they are not “good enough.” They are constantly comparing themselves to their peers, what they see in the media, and thinking about what they aren’t. As parents, we can help them with these feelings. No, not by only praising them even when a critique is warranted. But, by limiting criticism and being careful not to tease them when they are doing something wrong, thereby sending them the message they are “not good enough.” Rather than saying “No- you are doing that wrong!” say “How about if you do it that way?”
Dr. Carl Pickhardt in his article “When Your Adolescent Doesn't Feel Good Enough” also suggests that we should use “non-evaluative correction.” Tell them why you aren’t happy with their choice, don’t attack their character.
One other way to achieve this feeling of “good enough” is by not focusing on self-esteem, but rather self- compassion, stressed by Dr. Kristen Neff. Self- compassion is treating yourself with kindness and self-acceptance- in essence treating yourself as you would treat a friend- with kindness. In her study of adolescents those who had higher self-compassion were okay with their flaws and were able to acknowledge that they struggled like everyone does. They were able to say to themselves things like they would say to a friend who struggled “It’s okay- you tried your best.”
Of course, limiting social media use does help those “I am not good enough” feelings. Social comparison is so painful for teens. I will mention one more time the link between social media use and depression and anxiety.
Helping others has also been seen to help teens to feel good enough. Interestingly, it has been found that helping strangers has even more of a positive impact on helping teens feel better about themselves.
And, of course, constantly tell your child that there is no one like him/her. But, we also need to remember to encourage our children to try their best, but they do not have to be THE BEST. We need to recognize and praise effort, “Wow, you are working so hard at this!” rather than praising the product or the grade.
Being “good enough” is the antidote to perfectionism. As parents we often note that our teens put too much pressure on themselves. Rachel Simmons, in her article “Perfectionism among teens is rampant (and we’re not helping)”, quotes a study that in addition to the social media pressures noted above, another area which impacts on teens not feeling good enough is the immense push from parents for kids to be “uber-successful.” It is called “child contingent self-esteem” that we as parents base our own self-worth on the success of our children. We, therefore, spend more time pushing them to achieve rather than simply “hanging out” with them. Research indicates while parents claim that as long their child is doing his/her best, that is sufficient, it truly isn’t to them. We need to relay to our children that if they are trying their best they are always good enough.
One way to relay this “good enough” message to our teens is by focusing on being content with good enough parenting. As I have mentioned previously in my column, the term “good enough parenting” is based on the work of Dr. Bruno Bettelheim. As Dr. Peter Gray noted in his article “ The Good Enough Parent Is the Best Parent” “If we define parenting as caregiving to one’s child, then the best parent is not the one who parents most, and certainly not the one who parents least, but the one who parents just the right amount. That’s the parent Goldilocks would pick, if she had tried out three different parents along with the three different bowls of porridge, chairs, and beds. It’s the one most children would pick if they had the power to choose.”
“Good enough parents” do not expect perfection from themselves nor from their children. When a parent strives to be perfect, he demands perfection from his children which will make for a very poor parent-child relationship which is too demanding. “Perfect parenting” leads to blaming-whether one’s spouse, one’s child or oneself. Good enough parents understand that imperfection is part of the human condition and forgive themselves for it. They realize that children are resilient and will turn out okay even if they “mess up” once in a while. They accept their children for who they are. Such parents can develop a positive, empathic relationship with their children. Good enough parents realize they cannot determine their children's futures, but can only set them up for a successful one by doing the best they can, and by giving them what they need, but not more than what they need. They allow their children to make their own mistakes, as they realize mistakes and failure are an important part of their development.
They realize that children are resilient and will turn out okay even if they “mess up” once in a while. Since good enough parents accept “good enough” parenting they are less anxious, calmer and more patient. They thereby are more secure parents for their children.
I like to call this “good enough” philosophy of life the “dayeinu” perspective. To look at each step and moment of our lives as if it is די - enough. To appreciate all we have achieved and how hard we have worked and to realize we can and should be happy and content with the stage we have reached.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade; Students in the “teacher- student” flipped lesson spoke about whether teachers realize what it is like to be a student and do students realize what it is like to be a teacher.
Seventh Grade: No Advisory this week due to distance learning.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed how technology impacts the way they interact with
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