This week our 7th graders videoed a very special performance for the local homeless shelter, which I dropped off on Friday with the hats, gloves and scarves they collected. As part of this unit in Advisory, they have been learning the skills of empathy, and how to reserve judgment. These concepts fit perfectly with how our students normally view the homeless. Oftentimes people jump to conclusions when they hear someone is homeless and assume he/she must have done something wrong. He is lazy, or a drug addict or definitely refusing to work. In this unit in Advisory our students learn that often people confront life circumstances that are beyond their control. Whether it’s a hurricane, a death of a breadwinner or an illness. Many people are struggling without our even knowing.
We do a cute activity about not rushing to judgment where the students have two packages- one beautifully wrapped and the other in a plain bag- both with the same items inside. We hold up the two boxes and ask the students to vote on which box they would want to open first. We assume that most of the time the students will opt to open the beautifully wrapped item. We open it and then open the second one to show they both have the same item inside. We judged the inside by what we saw on the outside. We then discussed with the students how we often do that with people- judging them based on what it looks like on the outside, but not understanding what is truly happening on the inside. We make assumptions based on what we see on the outside.
As a school psychologist I spend some of my time with upset students, teachers or parents trying to assist. More often than not it often comes down to a case of making assumptions. Carla assumed that Charla was angry at her because she ignored her in the hallway. But, really Charla was upset about the science test she just got back and didn’t even notice Carla in the hallway. Mrs. Smith thought that Simona was not paying attention in class and taking a nap. In reality, Simona heard and got everything down in her notebook, but had a terrible headache so she put her head down at the same time. Harold thought that Simon and his friends were cliquey and ignoring him and his friends. Turns out that Simon thought the same thing- that Harold and his friends were being cliquey and was hurt.
What I have learned over the years is how much suffering and upset we would all be spared if we took a moment to try to give others the benefit of the doubt, not rush to judgment and not make assumptions. Carla would no longer be upset at Charla. Mrs. Smith would be understanding instead of angry. And, Harold would be working on making things better instead of being angry at Simon.
Recently, a seventh grade student gave me a book to read, (as she saw it was connected to Advisory), called The Other Side Of The Story by Yehudis Samet. The book has story after story of circumstances that were deemed obvious, but in essence were not at all what the person judged them to be. She also provides practical strategies to work on giving others the benefit of the doubt. Samet stressed the importance of insight, comprehension, and considering possibilities to combat censure, blame and superficial judgments.
It says in Pirkei Avot 2:4:
וְאַל תָּדִין אֶת חֲבֵרְךָ עַד שֶׁתַּגִּיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ
Do not judge your fellow man until you have reached his place.
This is exactly what we have been teaching our students in Advisory. The key to avoiding misjudging others is empathy. And, we teach the steps- Pretend you are that person. Now, think: Why is he or she feeling that way? What thoughts are going through his/her head?
For that moment, feel with the other person. Feel the emotions he/she is feeling.
In a Dr. Bene Brown video on empathy that we show the students, she describes how empathy is climbing down to an underground tunnel/sewer where the other person is stuck. Sympathy is just staying on top and yelling down the manhole- “Are you okay?” Empathy is going to the place of the other. תַּגִּיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ.
Over the years I have learned that everyone has a story you know nothing about. Everyone is struggling with something even if his/her life looks perfect. Rather than assuming that something he/she did that bothers you was malicious, perhaps consider maybe there is a story you know nothing about.
I often find that this piece of advice is critical when it comes to being understanding with people who have mental health struggles that we often know nothing about. Some weeks ago I quoted an article Making Assumptions: You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. by Sophie Riegel who has discussed her battle with mental illness. She writes:
From the outside, I look like a typical teenager. I hang out with my friends, I play sports, I go out to dinner with my family, and I go to school. Honestly, if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t even know that I have an anxiety disorder. That’s the thing about people. We have no idea what is going on in someone else’s mind. We only know what we can see, and from what I understand, I can’t see your thoughts.
Sophie continues to describe how when we see something happen we often assume what the person is feeling or thinking.
This is what people do all day, every day. We see the facts and we make assumptions. We assume and assume but we are really just making up stories about each other. And the problem is, we can’t help it. No one teaches us to do anything else. In English classes, for example, we are told to infer how a character in a story is feeling. That’s making an assumption. Or if we are on a date, we are told to “read the room” before making a move. This is a good and appropriate strategy for this situation, but we are still making assumptions.
Maybe he isn’t mean, maybe he is suffering. Maybe she isn’t disorganized, maybe she is overwhelmed by panic. Maybe he didn’t forget about practice, maybe he had something going on at home that was really too much for him to handle. (This brings us back to what I had discussed in the earlier article- compassionate curiosity. Ask the person questions to truly understand what he/she is going through).
I hope that our 7th graders learned a bit about not judging others by what we see on the outside. As an anonymous person wrote: Everyone has their own story which you know nothing about. You don't know anyone's daily struggles or what they've been through or the path they have walked for the choices they make. Think before you judge anyone, understand why, don't assume, learn the facts.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed the importance of considering the perspective of the teacher when it comes to deciding how they behave.
Seventh Grade: Students realized how they often judge others without considering “the other side of the story.”
Eighth Grade; How do students want to be remembered when they leave Yavneh- for their goodness. Why is it sometimes hard to choose good? Why is it important to do so?
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