Wearing Rose-Colored Glasses

 

This year’s World Happiness Report results came out this week and Israel is the 9th happiest country in the world out of 146 countries! This is above the United States which was number 16, Britain- 17 and Canada- 15. Those who have read my column before know that this is not the first time that Israel ranked higher than America. In 2017- when I first reported on these results- I noted:

“Some characteristics noted in the top countries were caring, freedom, generosity, honesty (Yes, Israelis never hold back what’s on their minds!), health, income, and good governance.  Some other characteristics noted were “having someone to count on in times of trouble, generosity, trust.’ All good qualities to reinforce with our children.”  

I know I discussed this issue further last time, but I would like to focus on some hypotheses why Israel is a happy country by discussing a presentation our 7th and 8th graders heard last week.  We were privileged to have Mr. Jason Beckoff address our students reinforcing the skills they learned in Advisory in their "When Life Gives You Lemons" unit; learning to cope with adversity and struggles in life.  He shared his personal story of adversity and resilience battling Guillain-Barre syndrome. He spoke to the students about the difficulty of his illness, the recuperation and how he found hope. He stressed the importance of staying positive and how to ignore negativity around you. That is the first solution to finding happiness. Hope.

The same hope can be found in the people of Israel despite being surrounded by enemies.  I recently found a joke about Israelis online from The Asia Times: An American businessman emigrated to Israel shortly after its founding. On his arrival, he orders a telephone, and waits for weeks without a response. After many hours of trying and complaints he is brought into the office of an official who explains that there is a two-year waiting list, and no way to skip the line “Do you mean there is no hope?,” the American asks. “It is forbidden for a Jew to say there is no hope!,” thunders the official. “No chance, maybe.” Hope transcends probability.

The Jew’s hope is found in Emunah and Bitachon in Hashem. No matter how dark things seem there is hope. As it says in Berachot 10a:

אֲפִילּוּ חֶרֶב חַדָּה מוּנַּחַת עַל צַוָּארוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם, אַל יִמְנַע עַצְמוֹ מִן הָרַחֲמִים.

Even if a sharp sword rests upon a person’s neck, he should not prevent himself from mercy.

There is always hope for G-d’s mercy. Mr. Beckoff spoke of his emunah which was strengthened by his remembering his Holocaust survivor relatives who never gave up hope in G-d despite all they suffered. 

Andrea Oppenheimer, in his article “Israel, Often Under Stress, Is The World’s Ninth- Happiest Country- How Did That Happen?” says that he sought out the opinion of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar- the expert on happiness whom I have often quoted. The Israeli Ben Shahar taught a course in Harvard on the topic of happiness and presently lives in Israel. He spoke at the World Happiness summit when this month’s rankings came out. He said that “Israel is a country with a very strong social network. ‘The No 1 distinguishing characteristic in happy countries is a very strong social network where there is support from family and friends,’he told me. ‘As the British philosopher Francis Bacon said, ‘Friendship doubles joy, and cuts grief in half.’”  Dr. Ben Shahar added that “being a country that often has been attacked by its neighbors, and a people who have been victims of persecution for thousands of years gives many Israelis a sense of mutual reliance. ‘In times of war, people get together to support each other. That, and the fact that the Jewish people have been together for several millennia, helps explain their high happiness levels.”  

Mr. Beckoff spoke of his family and friends and their constant support. The stories he shared about the power they had to provide him with the ability to not give up made an impact. He had the constant sense that they were all in this together.  He empowered the students to think about whether they are doing enough to help others in need.  

Last, Ben Shahar explained that since there is mandatory army service in Israel, Israelis- including immigrants, have a united sense of purpose and meaning. Whatever we can do to provide our children with a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives will help lead them to happiness. 

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg (a Yavneh graduate!) wrote in his article this week “Why Is Israel One Of The Top 10 Happiest Countries In The World?”  He notes that our founding fathers called it a “pursuit of happiness” as if as much as we pursue happiness it is difficult to be achieved.  He quotes an article by Dr. Daniel Gilbert who states that happiness is really elusive and that which we think will bring us happiness hardly ever does.  So, no matter how hard we try, the only way to really have happiness is by coincidentally “stumbling” on it. 

Rabbi Goldberg says that this idea is the antithesis of the Jewish belief.  “Judaism disagrees. Happiness, simcha, is not something that we stumble or trip upon by accident. It’s the result of a conscious decision, a determined attitude. In Path of the Just, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto writes that being happy and joyful is not a luxury or simply preferable; they are critical components of a meaningful life.”  Rabbi Goldberg adds that one must actively choose to see the blessings in one’s life, no matter how intense one’s struggles. 

Mr. Beckoff also stressed this philosophy with the students.  One must actively ignore negativity and he spoke about his actively making a plan for recuperation.  Passivity leads to unhappiness. 

Rabbi Goldberg spoke about one small conscious act we can do to achieve happiness- smiling. When we smile, research shows that it lifts our mood, lowers stress, boosts our immune system and even prolongs our lives. When we smile chemicals are released in our brains that relieve pain and give pleasure.  And happiness is contagious. Surrounding ourselves with happy people raises the chances that we will be happy ourselves. 

Mr. Beckoff added that when nurses, and medical staff were the only ones to whom he had access, due to covid restrictions, when they were upbeat, encouraging and happy he felt happier. This again reinforced with our students the power they have in bringing joy to others who are going through tough times. 

Recently on my spotify Israeli music listening I came across a song by Omer Adam which was meant to be part of an eyeglasses campaign, but a particular line struck me as it relates to why Israelis are so positive, how Mr. Beckoff was able to maintain hope and to a skill we teach in Advisory. 

אז קניתי משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד

I bought eyeglasses to see more pink

As I listened it hit me. We do an activity with our 7th graders in Advisory about seeing life with rose-colored glasses- in an upbeat, hopeful manner. We ask for student volunteers who are each given the identical situation. One is asked to put on glasses with pink lenses and the other with dark lenses. I ask each of them to describe that situation with different “glasses” on, with different perspectives. 

One example- The situation: The power went off during a hurricane:

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big camp fire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

We then discussed “reframing” (no connection with frames of eyeglasses!).  Reframing is a technique used to help create a different way of looking at a situation, person, or relationship by changing its meaning. Also referred to as cognitive reframing, it's a strategy used to help people  look at situations from a slightly different perspective.  The essential idea behind reframing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behavior often change along with it.

Another way to understand the concept of reframing is to imagine looking through the frame of a camera lens. The picture seen through the lens can be changed to a view that is closer or further away. By slightly changing what is seen in the camera, the picture is both viewed and experienced differently.  

Dr. Daniel Feldman, in his article “Why Religion is Good For Us”  adds how religion  is a helpful tool for reframing. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” 

Mr. Beckoff was a living example to our students of the spirit of the country of Israel- the ability to achieve happiness despite difficulties through wearing משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Students focused on goals based on their academic achievement and also on their friendship skills achievement through self-reflection. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about reframing and the ability to see life through rose colored glasses.

Eight Grade: Students created a manual for their parents to understand them better. PLEASE ASK THEM TO SEE THEM!   They then discussed the impact of mean behaviors on social media.

Upstanders for Ukraine

  With the situation in the Ukraine in the daily news our children are hearing of a  Purim-like story where a nation's life is at stake happening during their life-time.  How can we help our children become better people from pitching in to help? At Yavneh through tzedakah drives, or Tehillim and the various ways we are discussing it in our classrooms we are considering the life lessons our children can learn. 

This past week I had the privilege of giving a shiur to the grandparents of the Yavneh parent body.  When preparing for the shiur I came across an article “If You Remain Silent at this Time: Concern for the Jewish People” by Rav Aaron Lichtenstein, ztl, which highlights one lesson from the Purim story that we can all apply to our daily lives and most particularly to the situation in the Ukraine.

 “But even more serious are Mordekhai’s words to Esther. At a certain stage there is an effort to give her the benefit of the doubt: The whole of Shushan knows, except the queen? Still— maybe they told her it was just a possibility, a thought, and she may have thought that the danger wasn’t imminent. But after copies of the decree of annihilation are publicly displayed, and Mordekhai brings them to her attention, can Esther still wonder why Mordekhai is trying to disturb her complacency? …Rather, a person must ask himself not only whether what he is doing is good and worthy, but whether it is the best and most worthy thing that he could be doing. He has to keep asking himself: Is this really what the circumstances require? Is this the best that I can do at this time?...  This is the real question. If you understand the situation— and there is no reason or excuse not to—then you hear the cry that emanates from every part of the country, from every corner of the globe, expressed in the spiritual dangers surrounding and threatening us on every side. Someone who cares knows what is going on, and once he knows he must ask himself: What significance does this knowledge have for me? To what extent does it cause me pain? Like Esther, we will all have to ask ourselves the question when the time comes: We could have saved; did we? What will be our answer then? More importantly, what is our answer today?”

Rav Lichtenstein stresses the importance of reaching out to save others spiritually as well. And, while his article highlights the need to reach out to other Jews, it applies to reaching out to all in need.  Overall, we want our children to consider what Mordechai said to Esther: 

ידכִּ֣י אִם־הַֽחֲרֵ֣שׁ תַּֽחֲרִ֘ישִׁי֘ בָּעֵ֣ת הַזֹּאת֒ רֶ֣וַח וְהַצָּלָ֞ה יַֽעֲמ֤וֹד לַיְּהוּדִים֙ מִמָּק֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וְאַ֥תְּ וּבֵֽית־אָבִ֖יךְ תֹּאבֵ֑דוּ וּמִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ אִם־לְעֵ֣ת כָּזֹ֔את הִגַּ֖עַתְּ לַמַּלְכֽוּת:

To paraphrase this pasuk to apply to our children today, “If you are quiet at this time, someone else will step up and save them, and you and your impact will be lost, and who knows that perhaps you have been empowered to make a difference!”  

This is in essence the mitzvah Vayikra 19:16

 לֹ֥א תַעֲמֹ֖ד עַל־דַּ֣ם רֵעֶ֑ךָ

Do not stand idly by the blood of your friend. 

This pasuk crystallizes the obligation to do something when you see someone else’s life at stake- physical or spiritual. In fact, our next unit in 7th grade Advisory is called “Do Not Stand Idly By” where our students are empowered to not be “bystanders” but to be “upstanders.”  The unit actually begins with a section on political action and the importance of reaching out to our Congressmen and  Senators to advocate for those in need. We then bring this message to how being an upstander applies to standing up to what is wrong in our classrooms and among our own friends- whether bullying or any inappropriate behaviors in which our peers are engaged. 

 

In Advisory we discuss the bystander effect with them. Why do people tend not do anything when they see others in trouble? What is standing in our way? Are we often worried about the ramficiations our getting involved will have on us? Is doing nothing just as bad as actively participating in hurthing others? What can we do to beocming updstanders? 

 

What can we as parents do to raise upstanders? The first step in raising an upstander is helping cultivate empathy. “How would I feel if this difficulty was happening to me?  What would I want others to do for me? ”  

 

As I have noted before in my column,  unfortunately, there has been a dip in empathy among children today.  Dr. Michelle Borba, Unselfie- Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World,  asserts how the “selfie” typifies the self-absorbed generation who have what she calls the “Selfie Syndrome.” “The condition is all about self-promotion, personal branding, and self-interest at the exclusion of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. It’s permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character.  Self- absorption kills empathy, the foundation of humanity, and it’s why we must get kids to switch their focus from “I, Me, Mine” to “We, Us, Our, Ours.”.

 

Borba shows how “Selfies” are all the rage  and children are constantly posting photos of themselves for others to “ooh” and “ah.” A review of recently published books indicated an increase in the word “self” or stress on much better the author is than others.    Overall, says Dr. Sara Kornath “It’s not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by the corresponding devaluation of others.” 

Dr. Borba continues to show that there has been an increase in narcissism- people only interested in what they can do for themselves.  Peer cruelty has increased.  There has been a decline in the moral character of kids in the past two decades.  Teen stress is at a higher level than ever before in our “plugged-in, high-pressure culture… As anxiety increases empathy wanes… Today’s kids  are the most self-centered, saddest and stressed on record.”  

Borba spends the rest of the book suggesting different strategies we as parents can implement to raise empathetic children.  For now, I would like to focus on the chapter “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness.” In essence, when children “practice kindness” they think about the needs of others more and focus less on themselves. It becomes “we” and not “me.” In addition to growing empathy, kindness also lowers anxiety, boosts health, increases self-esteem, increases gratitude and increases happiness. Believe it or not, research indicates that kind children are also more popular. Not only is kindness good for cultivating empathy and raising upstanders, but it also provides our children with overall happier and more productive lives. 

As parents, we need to stress our values- “In this house we think about others and support others. We don’t sit back when others are struggling. We reach out and help.”  This refrain applies to the situation in Ukraine and helping out in any way we can.  But, it  can also be a chesed team activity. It can be helping a friend with his math homework. It can be offering to babysit for a neighbor who is overwhelmed.  It can be a phone call to an elderly great aunt who lives alone.  We know that engaging our children in chesed activities and helping others is one way to promote kindness, empathy and the ability to stand up for others.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their Friendship unit students discuss how practical strategies to utilize when they have a “fight” or difficulty with a friend.

Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of combatting negative thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Students are in the middle of a unit on the changing Parent- Child relationship as teens and the ability to understand their parents needs in this relationship along with their own.