With the situation in the Ukraine in the daily news our children are hearing of a Purim-like story where a nation's life is at stake happening during their life-time. How can we help our children become better people from pitching in to help? At Yavneh through tzedakah drives, or Tehillim and the various ways we are discussing it in our classrooms we are considering the life lessons our children can learn.
This past week I had the privilege of giving a shiur to the grandparents of the Yavneh parent body. When preparing for the shiur I came across an article “If You Remain Silent at this Time: Concern for the Jewish People” by Rav Aaron Lichtenstein, ztl, which highlights one lesson from the Purim story that we can all apply to our daily lives and most particularly to the situation in the Ukraine.
“But even more serious are Mordekhai’s words to Esther. At a certain stage there is an effort to give her the benefit of the doubt: The whole of Shushan knows, except the queen? Still— maybe they told her it was just a possibility, a thought, and she may have thought that the danger wasn’t imminent. But after copies of the decree of annihilation are publicly displayed, and Mordekhai brings them to her attention, can Esther still wonder why Mordekhai is trying to disturb her complacency? …Rather, a person must ask himself not only whether what he is doing is good and worthy, but whether it is the best and most worthy thing that he could be doing. He has to keep asking himself: Is this really what the circumstances require? Is this the best that I can do at this time?... This is the real question. If you understand the situation— and there is no reason or excuse not to—then you hear the cry that emanates from every part of the country, from every corner of the globe, expressed in the spiritual dangers surrounding and threatening us on every side. Someone who cares knows what is going on, and once he knows he must ask himself: What significance does this knowledge have for me? To what extent does it cause me pain? Like Esther, we will all have to ask ourselves the question when the time comes: We could have saved; did we? What will be our answer then? More importantly, what is our answer today?”
Rav Lichtenstein stresses the importance of reaching out to save others spiritually as well. And, while his article highlights the need to reach out to other Jews, it applies to reaching out to all in need. Overall, we want our children to consider what Mordechai said to Esther:
ידכִּ֣י אִם־הַֽחֲרֵ֣שׁ תַּֽחֲרִ֘ישִׁי֘ בָּעֵ֣ת הַזֹּאת֒ רֶ֣וַח וְהַצָּלָ֞ה יַֽעֲמ֤וֹד לַיְּהוּדִים֙ מִמָּק֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וְאַ֥תְּ וּבֵֽית־אָבִ֖יךְ תֹּאבֵ֑דוּ וּמִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ אִם־לְעֵ֣ת כָּזֹ֔את הִגַּ֖עַתְּ לַמַּלְכֽוּת:
To paraphrase this pasuk to apply to our children today, “If you are quiet at this time, someone else will step up and save them, and you and your impact will be lost, and who knows that perhaps you have been empowered to make a difference!”
This is in essence the mitzvah Vayikra 19:16
לֹ֥א תַעֲמֹ֖ד עַל־דַּ֣ם רֵעֶ֑ךָ
Do not stand idly by the blood of your friend.
This pasuk crystallizes the obligation to do something when you see someone else’s life at stake- physical or spiritual. In fact, our next unit in 7th grade Advisory is called “Do Not Stand Idly By” where our students are empowered to not be “bystanders” but to be “upstanders.” The unit actually begins with a section on political action and the importance of reaching out to our Congressmen and Senators to advocate for those in need. We then bring this message to how being an upstander applies to standing up to what is wrong in our classrooms and among our own friends- whether bullying or any inappropriate behaviors in which our peers are engaged.
In Advisory we discuss the bystander effect with them. Why do people tend not do anything when they see others in trouble? What is standing in our way? Are we often worried about the ramficiations our getting involved will have on us? Is doing nothing just as bad as actively participating in hurthing others? What can we do to beocming updstanders?
What can we as parents do to raise upstanders? The first step in raising an upstander is helping cultivate empathy. “How would I feel if this difficulty was happening to me? What would I want others to do for me? ”
As I have noted before in my column, unfortunately, there has been a dip in empathy among children today. Dr. Michelle Borba, Unselfie- Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, asserts how the “selfie” typifies the self-absorbed generation who have what she calls the “Selfie Syndrome.” “The condition is all about self-promotion, personal branding, and self-interest at the exclusion of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. It’s permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character. Self- absorption kills empathy, the foundation of humanity, and it’s why we must get kids to switch their focus from “I, Me, Mine” to “We, Us, Our, Ours.”.
Borba shows how “Selfies” are all the rage and children are constantly posting photos of themselves for others to “ooh” and “ah.” A review of recently published books indicated an increase in the word “self” or stress on much better the author is than others. Overall, says Dr. Sara Kornath “It’s not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by the corresponding devaluation of others.”
Dr. Borba continues to show that there has been an increase in narcissism- people only interested in what they can do for themselves. Peer cruelty has increased. There has been a decline in the moral character of kids in the past two decades. Teen stress is at a higher level than ever before in our “plugged-in, high-pressure culture… As anxiety increases empathy wanes… Today’s kids are the most self-centered, saddest and stressed on record.”
Borba spends the rest of the book suggesting different strategies we as parents can implement to raise empathetic children. For now, I would like to focus on the chapter “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness.” In essence, when children “practice kindness” they think about the needs of others more and focus less on themselves. It becomes “we” and not “me.” In addition to growing empathy, kindness also lowers anxiety, boosts health, increases self-esteem, increases gratitude and increases happiness. Believe it or not, research indicates that kind children are also more popular. Not only is kindness good for cultivating empathy and raising upstanders, but it also provides our children with overall happier and more productive lives.
As parents, we need to stress our values- “In this house we think about others and support others. We don’t sit back when others are struggling. We reach out and help.” This refrain applies to the situation in Ukraine and helping out in any way we can. But, it can also be a chesed team activity. It can be helping a friend with his math homework. It can be offering to babysit for a neighbor who is overwhelmed. It can be a phone call to an elderly great aunt who lives alone. We know that engaging our children in chesed activities and helping others is one way to promote kindness, empathy and the ability to stand up for others.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: As part of their Friendship unit students discuss how practical strategies to utilize when they have a “fight” or difficulty with a friend.
Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of combatting negative thinking.
Eighth Grade: Students are in the middle of a unit on the changing Parent- Child relationship as teens and the ability to understand their parents needs in this relationship along with their own.
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