A few weeks ago I wrote of the recent abuse and harassment in the general and Jewish world and the important role parents have in protecting their children. Since that column, our 8th graders in Advisory frankly discussed the topic of harassment. While, as I had mentioned previously, as part of their 7th grade curriculum last year they targeted harassment and abuse head on, it always bears repetition.
We discussed why it took so long for people to come forward. What happens when the person has power? When he is well-respected? When the victims are threatened? When the victims are ashamed? Are only girls victims? The students were engaged and empowered to say something when there is something “fishy” or something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
There were two elements that we focused upon that I want to share with you. First, part of the lesson was a focus on what to do if you are worried about what a friend is going through. The students thoughtfully discussed the power they have to help their friends even if their friends might be upset at them for going to a trusted adult. We will have a similar discussion with our students again when we do our sessions on substance use with them.
We also stressed the importance of always believing and feeling that you can go to your parents with anything. As someone who spends much of my day speaking to children about issues on their mind, there are some children who tell their parents everything. Such relationships are special. There are others, however, who share that they dare not tell their parents. More often than not, the children are mistaken and their parents would be more than accepting and helpful.
We want our children to come to us with everything. What can we do to make that happen?
Sarah Chana Radcliffe in her article “Talk to Me” said it perfectly:
And remember: If anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, tell us about it. You can always speak to us.” With these words, many parents think their job is done. If only it were that simple.
“There’s no way I could tell my parents what was happening. I knew it was my fault. I was where I should never have been. I knew how angry they’d be.”
This child has experienced criticism, rebuke and punishment whenever she did what she was explicitly told not to do. So, from her point of view, why would this time be an exception?
In her child’s brain, things are black and white. She’s right or wrong, good or bad, up for reward or down for punishment. She’s afraid of what will happen when she confesses that she didn’t follow her parents’ directives — when she took that shortcut home, accepted that candy from that adult (again and again), hung out with those girls her parents told her to avoid. She’s terrified her parents will be furious with her.
What can we do to increase the chances that our children will trust us and come to us? The goal is to respond in a supportive manner at all times- not just when they are coming forward about harassment or abuse.
Radcliffe stresses the importance of using parenting strategies that are “consistently respectful and kind, especially when it comes to correction, guidance, and discipline.” When we correct their behaviors they should be without “fanfare as understandable errors.” We need to be careful not to shame, threaten or intimidate. “When it is safe to make any kind of mistake, then it also feels safe for the child to explain how she became victimized.”
When they share upset, anger or disappointment, as Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish suggest in their book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, we need to think about the words we use in response to what they express- at all times. We need to work at not responding with words like “You’re just overreacting” or “Why are you so upset?” or “Couldn’t have you predicted that would have happened if you acted that way?” Comments like these make them feel that we are brushing off what they have to say and their concerns are not important. We need to make clear that all feelings are acceptable, even if we ask them to limit their actions.
We first need to listen quietly and attentively. We then acknowledge what they are saying with comments like “Really?” “Wow” “I get it.” Then give their feelings a name: “That must have made you so angry!” And, then “give the child his wishes in fantasy” - “Oh, how I wish she would have invited you too!”
How do we get them to speak to us and share with us what is going on in their lives? For some a car ride is the best place so they don’t have to make eye contact. Or spending some one on one time like going out for ice cream, every so often can work. Or watching their favorite TV show with them. Even playing video games with them. Finding common ground is a great place to find conversation. The more one on one interaction the better. Trips and outings together are great. But, even trying to find one on one time each day- even if for a few minutes. Closeness comes with regular time together. Building a relationship is the key to their telling us what is on their mind. And, never waste time together. Cooking together? Walking to shul together? Use that time as a chance to talk.
And, the all- important eating together dinner as a family. Studies show that families of teens who eat together show improved parent-child communication and healthier adolescent development.
How do we get them to share what happened during the day like they used to when they were younger? Notice subtle signs that they want to talk to you. Drop everything you are doing when you notice that. And, avoid the general, “How was school today?” and ask more pointed questions. If they aren’t ready to talk, don’t push them. No matter what they say it is important to remain neutral and calm and not judgemental. No solutions, just listening.
One other technique to get our children to share what is on their minds, is to provide them with a glimpse of what is going on in our minds- what happened during our day, what’s worrying us, what we are thinking about. They then model the way we communicate with them and communicate with us.
When our children are upset, but do not seem to want to open up, we can tell them that we notice and offer them another way to communicate with us. A note, an e-mail or text- all are fine when they are ready.
After trying all these techniques, it goes without saying that if you are worried about your child and he/she won’t open up to you, that might be time to consult with a professional to help you figure out what is going on.
The Gemara in Sanhedrin 70b states:
תנו רבנן לעולם תהא שמאל דוחה וימין מקרבת
The Sages taught: Always have the left hand drive away and the right draw near.
When raising our children we are firm with our left hand -the weaker hand, and draw them near with the right. Going back to Dr. Radcliffe, they will trust us more if we generally deal with them with love, affection and support- drawing them near, and rarely driving them away. In the article Seven Jewish Parenting Principles, Inspired by Experience, by Yael Trusch, she quotes Radcliffe and two other noted Jewish psychologists:
Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggests an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests “one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).” It is that unconditional acceptance that brings them to tell you what is on their mind.
The Gemara in Sanhedrin 88a speaks of the בן סורר ומורה - the rebellious son and notes “בן סורר ומורה שרצו אביו ואמו למחול לו מוחלין לו - A stubborn and rebellious son whose father and mother sought to forgive him, they can forgive him. And, in fact, the Rambam adds that this forgiveness even works after he is sentenced to death and they can thereby save him. Why? The Shem MiShmuel beautifully explains, “As long as his parents believe in him, his fate is not sealed.”
As long as we as parents are there for our children in a non-judgmental, accepting manner they will come to us. As long as we communicate to them, “No matter what you have done or have to say, we are there for you unconditionally” and we always believe in them, they will open up to us.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students engaged in a mid-year locker cleanout using the P.A.C.K. organizational system they learned.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on how our attitudes can affect our ability to be resilient when faced with difficulty.
Eighth Grade; Students discussed how to manage when life does not go as planned, utilizing lessons from Who Moved My Cheese and techniques like reframing, self- talk, the silver lining technique and the power of choice.
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