Dayeinu- A Lesson for Life!

  Towards the end of Maggid in the haggadah Jews all across the world, even those who may not be observant, cheerfully sing the same old tune to “Dayeinu.” When one thinks about it, Dayeinu is really a puzzling song. Is it true that if Hashem had dried the Yam Suf and not killed our enemies it would have been enough?! (They would have still found us and killed us!)   Is it true that if Hashem had brought us to Har Sinai and not given us the Torah that would have been enough?!  (What would be the point of being at Har Sinai if not to get the Torah?)  The point of the song is a sort of itemized list of all the components of what Hashem has done for us. We appreciate every aspect, and do not take even one item for granted. 

The same holds true for relationships with others. That type of gratitude is what creates relationships- noticing every single little thing that is done. Jonathan Bennett, in his article “The Haggadah- Lessons In Gratitude” speaks of how parents need to use this technique with their children:

A child's self-esteem is not promoted by general compliments. The child dismisses, "Oh, that's a beautiful picture you drew," as a stock reply, not real praise. If you want her to feel good about your compliment, be specific: "I like the red color you drew the flowers with; it's so bright. And that butterfly with the blue and green dots is the happiest butterfly I ever saw." Children, who are experts at discerning what's genuine, know that real appreciation hones in on the details.

That explains why right before Dayeinu there is a disagreement between R. Yosi HaGelili, R. Eliezer and R. Akiva about how many aspects were there to the 10 plagues and how many miracles happened at the Red Sea. Why does it matter? The more details, the more we can thank Hashem more specifically for all He has done. 

As Dr. Erica Brown quotes Dr. Solomon Schimmel, “One interpretation of the structure of this poem is that when we reflect on a benefit that G-d (or by extension, another person) has done for us, we should break it into its multiple components, meditating on each element.”

The same need for focusing on the specifics when expressing gratitude is essential in all relationships- even husbands and wives. Another area where this gratitude is necessary I consider now due to two events that I attended in the past week.

This past week I attended two sessions that coincidentally touched on the same topics. On Thursday evening I attended a session as part of Prizmah’s Mental Health Summit which brought together guidance staff, learning support staff and various administrators.  That session was by John D’Auria who was to focus on the importance of “emotions for deep learning.”  While D’Auria spent part of the session on this topic, another area upon which he focused was the importance of gratitude towards our teachers. While this gratitude would logically come from students and even parents, he stressed that we as administrators need to work on relaying the gratitude as well. In my focus group’s debrief of his presentation, we shared how our schools are or should be working on relaying this gratitude from students, parents and administrators,  and some practical ideas.

I then attended an afternoon Community Conversation of  the Yeshiva University YUnite Shabbat on the topic of “Cultivating Future Mechanchim: Challenges and Solutions.”  On the panel was our very own Rabbi Knapp (who did a wonderful job!), Rabbi Michael Taubes and Rabbi Yehuda Chanales, who is the director of Yeshiva University’s Chinuch Incubator, working on a plan to encourage more college students to go into Jewish Education. All three presenters shared why less college students are going into Jewish education than ever before. Aside from financial reasons, another primary reason identified was the lack of gratitude expressed towards teachers.  This dearth of gratitude was consistently expressed by all three presenters. 

In speaking about Dayeinu Dr. Erica Brown wrote,” Imagine for a moment a thank-you note where instead of the usual clichés you had a note in the form of Dayenu, outlining several details of appreciation. Had the person done only one it would have been enough.

Now imagine receiving such a note — highly personal, thoughtful and unique. It might be the thank-you note you actually save.” Dayeinu is “a template for true thanks.” 

And, that is why since my own children have been in pre-K they have all written thank you notes to their teachers (even when I had to do the writing!) and they had to write something specific that they learned in that class that made an impact on them. And, that is why, during Covid in the middle school we had all our middle schoolers write thank you notes to teachers.  This is the template they have to use:

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY TEACHER!

Dear _________________________________,

Thank you for being my teacher this year.  I am so grateful for ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I will always remember these two things that I learned with you:

1.

2.

With gratitude,

_________________________________

We have been doing it each year since, and I cannot describe how much it means to the teachers.  Most importantly it gives them the sense that they made a difference.  

Why do we need to wait until the end of the year to send thank you notes?  Just the other day, my daughter’s college guidance counselor met with her…which happens to be her job. But, my daughter came home and shared that the meeting was so helpful.  So, I dropped her a thank you email, with the specifics of what was helpful. Why do we need to wait until the last week of school?  Here at Yavneh, a teacher took the time to meet with a 7th grade student the other day during her only break of the day. I took a moment and sent her a thank you email for meeting with that student and shared the specifics of how her manner was so encouraging. 

I left the Prizmah workshop and the Shabbat panel re-inspired to express thanks to the teachers of my own children and to the teachers here at Yavneh. I thank them for all the “Dayeinus”- the specifics of the  hours upon hours they spend thinking about our children and caring not just about the content and the skills the children learn, but also about the children themselves. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;Students learned the skills of being B.R.A.V.E. L.E.A.D.E.R.S. in combating bullying as upstanders. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned the skills of Reframing and Radical Acceptance. Some groups had the chance to discuss on-line gossip and Sendit. 

Eighth Grade; As part of the substance abuse lesson students focused on the dangers of alcohol. 

The Joy of Adar- It's Not Over Yet!

  While I am a last minute person, even I have noticed the Passover products filling the aisle in Shoprite.  Yes, Pesach is approaching.  And yet, Adar is not over yet, and neither is the  simcha of Adar until Rosh Chodesh on Thursday.  Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, z”tl, in his article “The Therapeutic Joy Of Purim” asks- why a whole month? The story of the salvation of Purim really focused on the 13th to the 15th of Adar.  He then asks, and why is the emotion joy? It should be relief. 

It lasts the whole month because it is not “expressive joy” that one would feel on the day something good happens (the 13th/14th/15th).  Rather, Rabbi Sacks calls the joy of Adar a unique type of joy- “therapeutic joy.”  To combat the trauma and the terror they needed therapeutic, all-encompassing joy. The way to “defeat fear is by therapeutic joy. You conquer terror by collective celebration…Precisely because the threat was so serious you refuse to be serious… Humor is the Jewish way of defeating hate. What you can laugh at you cannot be held captive by.”

As our 8th grade is about to present their Holocaust presentations this week, Rabbi Sacks continued explanation hits home. Rabbi Sacks gives an example of a Holocaust survivor who approached him after he wrote a book  Celebrating Life.  The man commented on a quote that Rabbi Sacks had used based on the comedy Life is Beautiful about the Holocaust that “a sense of humor keeps you sane.”  The survivor shared that he had made a pact with a friend that each day they would look for something amusing and they would share with each other and laugh.  They knew that if they could not keep their spirits up they would die, and a sense of humor would save them. 

While that Holocaust survivor intuited the power of humor, there is much research substantiating their strategy. We all know the benefits of humor and laughter. Research indicates that laughter can help those who suffer with chronic pain. A Swiss research team found that people who  laughed at comedy films had increased pain tolerance.  Humor activates the release of endorphins- minimizing emotional pain, and relieves muscular tension- affecting physical pain.  

Humor helps people deal better with stress overall and improves one’s mood. Research with humor therapy’s impact on the elderly indicates a decrease in pain, perception of loneliness and increase in happiness and life satisfaction.  Laughter enhances intake of oxygen and stimulates organs such as the heart and lungs and muscles overall.  It fires up and then cools down your stress response, and then increases and then decreases heart rate and blood pressure, which leads to a relaxed feeling.  Humor can improve your immune system, and your self-esteem. 

In our 7th Grade Advisory unit “When Life Gives You Lemons” among the many techniques we discuss with the students to utilize when facing stressful or upsetting situations, we speak about in the moment, sometimes we just need to use the technique of distraction until the feelings or events pass. An acronym A.C.C.E.P.T.S. expressed the different techniques, among them humor! :

A.= Activities- engage in activities that require thought and concentration (hobby, schoolwork etc.)

C.= Contributing- focus on someone or something else other than yourself- volunteer, do a good deed. 

C.= Comparisons- Look at your situation in comparison to something worse. Remember times when you felt worse and you were okay.

E.= Emotions- Do something that will create a competing emotion LIKE HUMOR - if sad, watch a funny movie. 

P. = Pushing away- Push away your negative thoughts. Imagine they are like a piece of paper and crumple them up and throw them out!

T.= Thoughts- When your emotions take over, try to focus your thoughts. Count to 10, read a book etc.

S.= Sensations- Find safe physical sensations to distract you from negative emotions. Squeeze a stress toy, eat something sour. 

While we targeted many ideas, we did focus on the impact of humor and how it truly can help. Joy can be therapeutic. 

So, as I notice the Pesach products in Shoprite, I am thinking that perhaps the best way to overcome the pre-Pesach stress is through extending the simcha of Adar a few more weeks until I kasher my kitchen!  Is that okay? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a new unit on Social Exclusion and other forms of bullying. This week they focused on the power of the bystander. 

Seventh Grade: Students  had a visit from Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist who trained them to decorate stuffed animals with encouraging messages for ill children. Some classes focused on the dangers of gambling- timed to come right before March Madness.  And, they focused on noting the stressors in their lives and how they deal with them.

Eighth Grade: Students began their unit on Substance Abuse prevention focusing first on the dangers of alcohol and the impact on the Jewish community.