Towards the end of Maggid in the haggadah Jews all across the world, even those who may not be observant, cheerfully sing the same old tune to “Dayeinu.” When one thinks about it, Dayeinu is really a puzzling song. Is it true that if Hashem had dried the Yam Suf and not killed our enemies it would have been enough?! (They would have still found us and killed us!) Is it true that if Hashem had brought us to Har Sinai and not given us the Torah that would have been enough?! (What would be the point of being at Har Sinai if not to get the Torah?) The point of the song is a sort of itemized list of all the components of what Hashem has done for us. We appreciate every aspect, and do not take even one item for granted.
The same holds true for relationships with others. That type of gratitude is what creates relationships- noticing every single little thing that is done. Jonathan Bennett, in his article “The Haggadah- Lessons In Gratitude” speaks of how parents need to use this technique with their children:
A child's self-esteem is not promoted by general compliments. The child dismisses, "Oh, that's a beautiful picture you drew," as a stock reply, not real praise. If you want her to feel good about your compliment, be specific: "I like the red color you drew the flowers with; it's so bright. And that butterfly with the blue and green dots is the happiest butterfly I ever saw." Children, who are experts at discerning what's genuine, know that real appreciation hones in on the details.
That explains why right before Dayeinu there is a disagreement between R. Yosi HaGelili, R. Eliezer and R. Akiva about how many aspects were there to the 10 plagues and how many miracles happened at the Red Sea. Why does it matter? The more details, the more we can thank Hashem more specifically for all He has done.
As Dr. Erica Brown quotes Dr. Solomon Schimmel, “One interpretation of the structure of this poem is that when we reflect on a benefit that G-d (or by extension, another person) has done for us, we should break it into its multiple components, meditating on each element.”
The same need for focusing on the specifics when expressing gratitude is essential in all relationships- even husbands and wives. Another area where this gratitude is necessary I consider now due to two events that I attended in the past week.
This past week I attended two sessions that coincidentally touched on the same topics. On Thursday evening I attended a session as part of Prizmah’s Mental Health Summit which brought together guidance staff, learning support staff and various administrators. That session was by John D’Auria who was to focus on the importance of “emotions for deep learning.” While D’Auria spent part of the session on this topic, another area upon which he focused was the importance of gratitude towards our teachers. While this gratitude would logically come from students and even parents, he stressed that we as administrators need to work on relaying the gratitude as well. In my focus group’s debrief of his presentation, we shared how our schools are or should be working on relaying this gratitude from students, parents and administrators, and some practical ideas.
I then attended an afternoon Community Conversation of the Yeshiva University YUnite Shabbat on the topic of “Cultivating Future Mechanchim: Challenges and Solutions.” On the panel was our very own Rabbi Knapp (who did a wonderful job!), Rabbi Michael Taubes and Rabbi Yehuda Chanales, who is the director of Yeshiva University’s Chinuch Incubator, working on a plan to encourage more college students to go into Jewish Education. All three presenters shared why less college students are going into Jewish education than ever before. Aside from financial reasons, another primary reason identified was the lack of gratitude expressed towards teachers. This dearth of gratitude was consistently expressed by all three presenters.
In speaking about Dayeinu Dr. Erica Brown wrote,” Imagine for a moment a thank-you note where instead of the usual clichés you had a note in the form of Dayenu, outlining several details of appreciation. Had the person done only one it would have been enough.
Now imagine receiving such a note — highly personal, thoughtful and unique. It might be the thank-you note you actually save.” Dayeinu is “a template for true thanks.”
And, that is why since my own children have been in pre-K they have all written thank you notes to their teachers (even when I had to do the writing!) and they had to write something specific that they learned in that class that made an impact on them. And, that is why, during Covid in the middle school we had all our middle schoolers write thank you notes to teachers. This is the template they have to use:
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY TEACHER!
Dear _________________________________,
Thank you for being my teacher this year. I am so grateful for ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I will always remember these two things that I learned with you:
1.
2.
With gratitude,
_________________________________
We have been doing it each year since, and I cannot describe how much it means to the teachers. Most importantly it gives them the sense that they made a difference.
Why do we need to wait until the end of the year to send thank you notes? Just the other day, my daughter’s college guidance counselor met with her…which happens to be her job. But, my daughter came home and shared that the meeting was so helpful. So, I dropped her a thank you email, with the specifics of what was helpful. Why do we need to wait until the last week of school? Here at Yavneh, a teacher took the time to meet with a 7th grade student the other day during her only break of the day. I took a moment and sent her a thank you email for meeting with that student and shared the specifics of how her manner was so encouraging.
I left the Prizmah workshop and the Shabbat panel re-inspired to express thanks to the teachers of my own children and to the teachers here at Yavneh. I thank them for all the “Dayeinus”- the specifics of the hours upon hours they spend thinking about our children and caring not just about the content and the skills the children learn, but also about the children themselves.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade;Students learned the skills of being B.R.A.V.E. L.E.A.D.E.R.S. in combating bullying as upstanders.
Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of Reframing and Radical Acceptance. Some groups had the chance to discuss on-line gossip and Sendit.
Eighth Grade; As part of the substance abuse lesson students focused on the dangers of alcohol.
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