Mother's Day and Parenting Teens

            Recently I was at a get-together with other parents from my neighborhood, and I was shocked. They shared that they didn’t save every Mother’s Day card and project their children made. I couldn’t believe it!  Okay, I admit it. I save every card and project from daycare, to preschool, through elementary school- until today. (Thank you to all their teachers!)  Yes, I am sentimental and cherish them all. 

 But, the truth is, as our children go through their teenage years, we don’t get the same projects and colorful homemade cards we used to. While we may not still get those adorable projects- there are things we want from our teenagers- not limited to the day itself. 

I recently found this letter written by someone online named Katy Clark “To My Teenage Son- What I Want For Mother’s Day” 

I know better than to expect a handmade card from you this year. Or a necklace made out of macaroni noodles or a stone painted with the words, “Mom, you rock!” After all, you are in high school.

I will always treasure those cards and gifts from when you were younger, but what I wish for on Mother’s Day now that you are a teen has changed.

All I Want For Mother’s Day

So, as you roll out of bed, probably forgetting about my special day even though your dad reminded you at least once, let me share what I want for Mother’s Day. These are the gifts that would mean the world to me this Mother’s Day:

That I may always have a full pack of gum from which you can mooch.

That my front seat continues to be a welcoming place for you to sit and chat with me, with plenty of legroom as you keep growing.

That we always bond over our cat, talking to her in baby voices and cracking each other up. (You could step it up in the litter box cleaning department, though.)

That you will always want to tell me about who you eat lunch with at school.

That I can help you with your Language Arts homework when you ask because you know it was my strongest subject and it’s not yours.

That I always have enough snacks for you in the pantry, and that I remember to buy two pounds of meat, instead of one, for recipes. You definitely have a bigger appetite these days.

That I can encourage you to be your best in whatever role your coach feels is right for you, forgetting about playing time and focusing on teamwork and skill development.

That I relax about how you're doing, savoring the time you are in my house and under my roof even as you scamper through a virtual world.

That I continue to bring you a bowl of cereal in the morning as you fall back asleep on the couch before school. It’s a little thing you could do for yourself, but I don’t mind.

That it will continue to be easy between you and me when I tease you about those girls you message .

That I have the agility to dodge the laundry you leave on your bedroom floor and the patience to teach you – again – how to fold clothes and put them away.

Okay, I see your face. You are wondering how you can wrap any of these “gifts” or if I’m serious about them at all.

Please know that I am.

As teens our children may not run to be with us like they used to, but all the moments throughout the day- the conversations in the car on the way to school, the casual dinner catch-up, the walk to shul on Shabbos (without phones!!), the homework time at the end of my very long day, the early morning wakeups, going to her games,  or the shopping sprees to find those perfect pair of sneakers- those are the moments of connection we ask for on Mother’s Day.  No fancy cards or gifts.  Just that feeling that they will always need us and we will always be there for them.  We just want to hang out with them- even when they don’t realize that is what they are doing!

In fact, research shows that hanging out with parents is actually good for teens! Susan McHale, director of the Social Science Research institute at Penn State notes that “Our research shows that, well into the adolescent years, teens continue to spend time with their parents and that this shared time has important implications for adolescents’ psychological and social adjustment.”  While parent with teen time declines as the teens grow when others are present, parent with teen time actually increases as they get older when they are alone. As teens become more independent they still want and need those one-on-one moments with parents. And that alone time with parents increases self-esteem and even correlates with increased social skills. 

One particular item which struck me is Clark’s reference to talking to the teen in the front seat of your car.  Janell Burley Hoffman mentioned the car as the perfect setting for conversation as well, a few weeks ago when she spoke at Yavneh. I know most of us try to get out of driving our teens to their many events, but those drives are THE opportunity to connect. I have been sharing this tip for years and recently came across an article “Kids In The Car: Talking to Teens- When we are driving and have a teen in the car, great communication can happen” by Dr. Fred Pelpman.  Why the car?  Teens are then a “captive audience.”  Talking and not looking them in the eye seems less threatening. There are less distractions (hopefully the phone is away). 

I am the first to say that I am overextended in driving my children to all the places they need to be. But, somehow, on this Mother’s Day, I am going to wish for more driving, i.e. conversation time. 

If one looks at the list of “asks”  that Clark requests from her son on Mother’s Day, one can also perceive them all as burdensome, tiresome and exhausting for the parent. Driving our children places. Helping our children with their homework. Constant cooking and supplying our families with food. Going to sports events.  Supervising their technology use. Waking them in the morning. Doing laundry. Overseeing their social lives.  I am exhausted just typing this list. 

Slovie Jungreis- Wolf, in her book Raising a Child With Soul, points to one more way as parents we can form that constant relationship that we truly want with our teens, while going through all these tasks with them. She points to the Tefilla of Shema.  She notes numerous insights to how we communicate with our children through the words of the Shema. The Shema directs us:וְשִׁנַּנְתָּ֣ם לְבָנֶ֔יךָ וְדִבַּרְתָּ֖ בָּ֑ם which she translates as “Teach your children and speak about your values to them. “  Most importantly, we need to communicate these values- בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ֤ בְּבֵיתֶ֙ךָ֙- when we are sitting in our homes. 

 What messages am I communicating with my children in my home? “Do we convey our parenting duties as burdensome responsibilities?  You can serve the tastiest gourmet dinner, but if it’s given with a sour mood or slammed down on the table with resentment, the food will taste like sawdust.  Showing our children that we are happy to be home with them is one of the greatest opportunities that we possess of communicating our love for them.”  

And, I would add that this rings true regarding the mood we relay when it comes to doing all those other tasks וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ֣ בַדֶּ֔רֶךְ- when we have to take them places or do those errands or carpools. 

“Life’s daily pressures can pull us away from mealtimes, story times, or just plain conversations with our kids…(have we) communicated to our children our happiness in being their parents”?

As Mother’s Day comes to a close, as my grandmother used to say, “Every day is Mother’s Day.”  Let us remember, as parents, to cherish the daily gifts our teens may give us when they want to be with us,  despite how exhausted and stressed out we may be at times. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students have begun discussing what to do if you get into conflicts with a friend. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and why people tend not to do anything when there is problematic behavior happening around them. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the dangers of technology and cellphone addiction. 

Second Chances

            Friday was Pesach Sheini. While it is not a holiday we typically celebrate, (although Ms. Terry always gives out some matzah!), I believe that Pesach Sheini holds a significant message for us as parents.
     
        Pesach Sheini is the 14th day of Iyar when those who were either impure due to contact with a dead body or lived too far away from the Beit HaMikdash to make it in time to bring the Korban Pesach were given another opportunity to bring the korban. In essence Hashem told them that although they missed the Korban Pesach He would give them a second Pesach- a second chance! Symbolically speaking, no matter how far the Jews are from Hashem, both in their spirituality (i.e. being impure) and in their actual physical location, Hashem will give them another chance.

In essence, the same concept holds true with Teshuva- repentance. No matter what we have done, or what terrible sin we have committed, if we do true, sincere teshuva, Hashem will give us a second chance.  And, while teshuva is most focused upon during the time of the yamim noraim, we can do teshuva every day of our lives. 

I recently read an article by Rabbi Daniel Glatstein who points to a machloket in Kiddushin 36a between Rabi Yehudah and Rabi Meir (whose yahrzeit is said to be on Pesach Sheini).  They argue about if the Jewish people are “'בנים אתם לה”- Hashem’s children, can they lose this status if they sin?  Rabi Yehudah says yes. Rabi Meir says no matter how far the person has drifted he will always be a child of G-d. He is always welcomed back home- which is the message of Pesach Sheini.  (Interesting to note, there is a mystical practice that when someone loses something he says “Elaka d’Meir Aneini.”  Rabbi Glatstein explains that “It is Rabi Meir who insists that on a spiritual level, there is no such thing as becoming completely lost….Therefore, in Rabi Meir’s world, lost items can always be found- just as we can always be found.” 

Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, models for us a prime example of “Second- chance parenting.”   I recently found this quote online. I do not know who said it, but it says it all:

And, when you think about it, we, the Jewish people, behaved pretty poorly throughout different times in history. And, yet, Hashem always gave us another chance and believed in us. 

As parents, no matter how our children behaved one day, no matter what grade they got on their tests, or no matter how rude they were at the dinner table, we relay to them the message, “No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS get a second chance.”  I will never write you off as impossible or incorrigible.  The secure feeling that a child gets from that message ensures that he will share his worries and trouble with you before things get out of hand. Children who are worried that their parents have given up on them give up on their relationship with their parents.  “You may have skipped your homework five times in a row.  While I need to possibly implement some consequences, and sit with you every night to make sure you are doing your work, you can always redeem yourself.  I believe in you.”  And, most importantly, I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. 

(I recently read a book by Rabbi Uri Zohar, a”h, called Breakthrough:  How to Reach Our Struggling Kids. It is about how parents need to maintain a connection with children who may have strayed from the path of Judaism. He writes, “Hashem never gives up on  us. ‘If I ascend to the heavens, You are there; and if I lie down in a deep grave, behold, You are there’ says Dovid HaMelech (Tehillim 139:8). Hashem is with us when we plummet to the lowest depths.”   Rabbi Yakov Horowitz,  who has the website Bright Beginnings, asserts as well, when asked how to react to a child who has left Judaism,  What should you tell your children? I have a simple answer for you. Tell your children that you love them all unconditionally; always and forever. And that means giving each of them what they need when they need it. Period. Exclamation point.  (I am a huge Rabbi Horowitz fan and subscribe to his 1 minute videos on parenting. He is an excellent resource). )

Another practical way we can give our children a second chance after they have done something wrong is by asking them the question, “What could you have done differently?” as Alyssa Miller says in her article “How a Second Chance Question Can Make Us Better Moms.”   Miller describes how this phrase, which allows the children to redo the scenario again with a better outcome, literally has changed her life.  Previously, she describes, when seeing her children fighting over the scooter, for example, she would have done something like this: 

1. Calm them down. 2. Ask what happened. 3. Ask them to stop talking at the same time. 4. Calm them down, again. 5. Ask one kid what happened. 6. Listen while kid #2 hops around desperate to tell their side of the story. 7. Decide who should have the scooter. 8. Listen to protests. 9. Send them back out to play, operating on a very weak truce. 

Now, she explains, she simply says, “I see you are upset with one another. What could you have done differently.”  She then hears them say what she would have said in a lecture.  And then says, “Great answer! You know how to handle the situation. Now get going!”  “Honestly? It’s like magic. Even my 4 year old knows where he’s gone wrong, and how he could do things differently. And since the question is entirely self focused, my children spend their brainpower fixing what is actually in their power to fix, instead of blaming or trying to control one another. I know it almost sounds “too simple” to work, but trust me and try it. It’s kind of awesome.”   We give them a “do over” and we tell them that we believe in their ability to choose the right path after thinking it through again. 

But, not only should our children get second chances. Parents get second chances too!  I love the way Miller shares how she gives herself as a parent second chances. 

“I am a wreck. It’s the end of the day and the kids are finally in bed. I was grumpy, impatient, grumpy, annoyed, grumpy, tired, grumpy, frustrated and…grumpy.

Closing the doors to their rooms after kissing them goodnight was akin to dragging myself across the finish line of a 100 mile ultra marathon. Except harder.

I could have lamented about how miserable I was at being a mom. I could have listed all the things I did wrong. I could have berated myself for not living up to my ideals.

Instead? I asked myself a simple question, “What could I have done differently?”

After I’ve sufficiently answered, I continue the conversation with myself, “Great! Now go do that tomorrow.”

When I ask that question, I know that those thoughts are the only ones that matter. I am better able to recognize guilt, condemnation and other unhelpful thoughts and replace them with positive actions I can take the next day.”

 

We can all relate to that grumpy parenting!  We need to give ourselves second chances.  And, if we admit to our children what we could have done differently, they will see us as human and will learn how to give themselves second chances as well.  For it is not enough for us as parents to give them a second chance. They too need to learn how to forgive themselves and realize they always have a “do over” in our eyes. 

When we make a mistake as a parent we model for them how to get that second chance. First we need to be honest and acknowledge what we should have done differently.   We then ask for forgiveness. Then, we make some tangible changes.  Second chances often mean attempting to actually repair a harm that has been done. 

We also thereby teach our children to be “forgivers”  when they see us say, “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness.   There is always a chance for their friends and other adults in their lives  to have a second chance and to right a wrong.  (Just to add, that there are clearly circumstances when a friend has gotten too many second chances, and there are times when a friendship may not be the best for the child).  Even good people make bad choices. And, we can even practice with our children how to graciously share with another that he/she is forgiven.  

As educators, we too do try to remind ourselves that no matter what happened with a child the day before, children all get second chances, and each day is a fresh start and a new opportunity. And, likewise, we too can admit when we have acted mistakenly and ask a student for forgiveness. 

But, how about “You never get a second chance to make a first impression?”  We know the stories about the teenager who posted something on instagram and then did not receive a college acceptance. We do speak to our students about their digital footprints, and once something is out there, even if we change our minds after and realize that we want a second chance, it is often impossible to get one.  And, while we do believe people change, it is not easy to change one’s reputation. 

I have been working in schools with teens for 27 years now, and I can share with you story upon story about bumping into a graduate or a parent of a graduate who when he/she was a student he/she struggled behaviorally.  This young adult (or even full-grown adult, married, with family), now has overcome his/her challenges and is a huge success in life and more importantly a huge “mensch.”   All he needed was a second chance.  All she needed was someone who believed in her ability to do better tomorrow- to get a do over.  All they needed was a “Pesach Sheini” - a second chance!   

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed qualities of a true friend

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed in their Do Not Stand Idly By unit the BDS movement. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a piece of their “Saying Goodbye To Yavneh” unit as their wrote compliments about their classmates which will be created into inscriptions they will receive in the sefarim they receive from the YPAA at the graduation dinner.