Recently I was at a get-together with other parents from my neighborhood, and I was shocked. They shared that they didn’t save every Mother’s Day card and project their children made. I couldn’t believe it! Okay, I admit it. I save every card and project from daycare, to preschool, through elementary school- until today. (Thank you to all their teachers!) Yes, I am sentimental and cherish them all.
But, the truth is, as our children go through their teenage years, we don’t get the same projects and colorful homemade cards we used to. While we may not still get those adorable projects- there are things we want from our teenagers- not limited to the day itself.
I recently found this letter written by someone online named Katy Clark “To My Teenage Son- What I Want For Mother’s Day”
I know better than to expect a handmade card from you this year. Or a necklace made out of macaroni noodles or a stone painted with the words, “Mom, you rock!” After all, you are in high school.
I will always treasure those cards and gifts from when you were younger, but what I wish for on Mother’s Day now that you are a teen has changed.
All I Want For Mother’s Day
So, as you roll out of bed, probably forgetting about my special day even though your dad reminded you at least once, let me share what I want for Mother’s Day. These are the gifts that would mean the world to me this Mother’s Day:
That I may always have a full pack of gum from which you can mooch.
That my front seat continues to be a welcoming place for you to sit and chat with me, with plenty of legroom as you keep growing.
That we always bond over our cat, talking to her in baby voices and cracking each other up. (You could step it up in the litter box cleaning department, though.)
That you will always want to tell me about who you eat lunch with at school.
That I can help you with your Language Arts homework when you ask because you know it was my strongest subject and it’s not yours.
That I always have enough snacks for you in the pantry, and that I remember to buy two pounds of meat, instead of one, for recipes. You definitely have a bigger appetite these days.
That I can encourage you to be your best in whatever role your coach feels is right for you, forgetting about playing time and focusing on teamwork and skill development.
That I relax about how you're doing, savoring the time you are in my house and under my roof even as you scamper through a virtual world.
That I continue to bring you a bowl of cereal in the morning as you fall back asleep on the couch before school. It’s a little thing you could do for yourself, but I don’t mind.
That it will continue to be easy between you and me when I tease you about those girls you message .
That I have the agility to dodge the laundry you leave on your bedroom floor and the patience to teach you – again – how to fold clothes and put them away.
Okay, I see your face. You are wondering how you can wrap any of these “gifts” or if I’m serious about them at all.
Please know that I am.
As teens our children may not run to be with us like they used to, but all the moments throughout the day- the conversations in the car on the way to school, the casual dinner catch-up, the walk to shul on Shabbos (without phones!!), the homework time at the end of my very long day, the early morning wakeups, going to her games, or the shopping sprees to find those perfect pair of sneakers- those are the moments of connection we ask for on Mother’s Day. No fancy cards or gifts. Just that feeling that they will always need us and we will always be there for them. We just want to hang out with them- even when they don’t realize that is what they are doing!
In fact, research shows that hanging out with parents is actually good for teens! Susan McHale, director of the Social Science Research institute at Penn State notes that “Our research shows that, well into the adolescent years, teens continue to spend time with their parents and that this shared time has important implications for adolescents’ psychological and social adjustment.” While parent with teen time declines as the teens grow when others are present, parent with teen time actually increases as they get older when they are alone. As teens become more independent they still want and need those one-on-one moments with parents. And that alone time with parents increases self-esteem and even correlates with increased social skills.
One particular item which struck me is Clark’s reference to talking to the teen in the front seat of your car. Janell Burley Hoffman mentioned the car as the perfect setting for conversation as well, a few weeks ago when she spoke at Yavneh. I know most of us try to get out of driving our teens to their many events, but those drives are THE opportunity to connect. I have been sharing this tip for years and recently came across an article “Kids In The Car: Talking to Teens- When we are driving and have a teen in the car, great communication can happen” by Dr. Fred Pelpman. Why the car? Teens are then a “captive audience.” Talking and not looking them in the eye seems less threatening. There are less distractions (hopefully the phone is away).
I am the first to say that I am overextended in driving my children to all the places they need to be. But, somehow, on this Mother’s Day, I am going to wish for more driving, i.e. conversation time.
If one looks at the list of “asks” that Clark requests from her son on Mother’s Day, one can also perceive them all as burdensome, tiresome and exhausting for the parent. Driving our children places. Helping our children with their homework. Constant cooking and supplying our families with food. Going to sports events. Supervising their technology use. Waking them in the morning. Doing laundry. Overseeing their social lives. I am exhausted just typing this list.
Slovie Jungreis- Wolf, in her book Raising a Child With Soul, points to one more way as parents we can form that constant relationship that we truly want with our teens, while going through all these tasks with them. She points to the Tefilla of Shema. She notes numerous insights to how we communicate with our children through the words of the Shema. The Shema directs us:וְשִׁנַּנְתָּ֣ם לְבָנֶ֔יךָ וְדִבַּרְתָּ֖ בָּ֑ם which she translates as “Teach your children and speak about your values to them. “ Most importantly, we need to communicate these values- בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ֤ בְּבֵיתֶ֙ךָ֙- when we are sitting in our homes.
What messages am I communicating with my children in my home? “Do we convey our parenting duties as burdensome responsibilities? You can serve the tastiest gourmet dinner, but if it’s given with a sour mood or slammed down on the table with resentment, the food will taste like sawdust. Showing our children that we are happy to be home with them is one of the greatest opportunities that we possess of communicating our love for them.”
And, I would add that this rings true regarding the mood we relay when it comes to doing all those other tasks וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ֣ בַדֶּ֔רֶךְ- when we have to take them places or do those errands or carpools.
“Life’s daily pressures can pull us away from mealtimes, story times, or just plain conversations with our kids…(have we) communicated to our children our happiness in being their parents”?
As Mother’s Day comes to a close, as my grandmother used to say, “Every day is Mother’s Day.” Let us remember, as parents, to cherish the daily gifts our teens may give us when they want to be with us, despite how exhausted and stressed out we may be at times.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students have begun discussing what to do if you get into conflicts with a friend.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and why people tend not to do anything when there is problematic behavior happening around them.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed the dangers of technology and cellphone addiction.
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