0 In only a few more days we celebrate our 8th grade graduation. The past weeks have been full of meaningful “farewell” moments. The 8th grade trip ended with an emotional, tearful goodbye and then a powerful kumzits. These last weeks were also full our our “Senior Seminar” sessions where experienced workshops on Mental Health, Substance Abuse, Gratitude to their Yavneh Teachers, an activity where they “Leave Their Mark on Yavneh” and consider their legacy and what they have contributed to Yavneh, and tomorrow’s “Senior Scoop” where they can hear from alumni who are now seniors in high school about real life in high school. (8th grade parents, you will hear more details about these sessions in a forthcoming e-mail). And, tomorrow is our Graduation Dinner.
But, nowhere in that list do I see a workshop for 8th grade parents about graduating Yavneh. As someone who has parented past graduates, in some ways it is just as emotional a transition as it is for the students themselves.
Those of you who have been reading my column for some time would know that I am a tremendous Rabbi David Fohrman fan. I listen to his videos while cooking every Friday afternoon (my kids already recognize his voice!), and try to include his Divrei Torah whenever I can- at the seder, on Purim… you name it. A week ago Friday, while listening to his Parashat Naso video, I came across a message that I thought would be a perfect “workshop” for parents in general, and particularly for parents of graduates.
In his shiur “What Does the Torah Teach About Parenting?” Rabbi Fohrman quotes Bamidbar 6: 24-26, more commonly known as Birkat Kohanim. Many recite this beracha every Friday night as they bless their children.
כדיְבָֽרֶכְךָ֥ ה' וְיִשְׁמְרֶֽךָ:כהיָאֵ֨ר ה' פָּנָ֛יו אֵלֶ֖יךָ וִֽיחֻנֶּֽךָּ:כויִשָּׂ֨א ה' פָּנָיו֙ אֵלֶ֔יךָ וְיָשֵׂ֥ם לְךָ֖ שָׁלֽוֹם:
'May God bless you, keep you and may He watch over you'. ‘Let God shine His face upon you and grant you grace'. ‘Let God lift His face towards you and grant you peace'
Rabbi Fohrman notes that these words are not just a blessing, but a “parenting manual” in short of how to parent. The three phrases express three types of parental love.
In the first phrase Rabbi Fohrman explains, quoting Rav Chaim of Volozhin that “ברך” means “increase” and multiply something. (Rabbi Fohrman goes on to give some proofs, which I leave to you to go and watch his video to learn!) These words stress our first job as parents, “…it means to bless your child, to seek to multiply their strength, to build them up in whatever ways we can. It is the fundamental obligation of parenthood. To build up a child's physical strength, to nourish that by feeding them, to build up their emotional strength, to give them resilience, to build up their intellectual strength or education, to build up their moral strength by helping them to discern right from wrong in all sorts of ways, to build up their own power to provide, to provide for their families by giving them the tools to learn a trade, to learn a profession.”
Here at Yavneh, we hope that we have partnered with you to provide your child with that strength so that their educational, spiritual, social and emotional lives are stronger and their skills in those areas multiply. And, at this age of middle school and lower school, this is where they receive their foundational skills to ensure that strength, both at home and in school.
וישמרך-And, additionally, as young children we focus on “watching over them, guarding them” keeping them safe. Whether it is crossing the street when they are younger or watching over their cellphone and technology use, they need us to keep them safe from harm. And, when they veer off the path of safety, they may need consequences, “to protect them, sometimes from themselves.” And, Rabbi Fohrman stresses that that is the goal of discipline is never due to your needs as a parent
“But discipline is always a function of keeping the child safe in some way or another. It is really the only rationale for discipline. You don't discipline a child for your needs as a parent. You don't discipline them because they make you look funny in front of them all or what will the neighbors say if junior acts out like this? That is not for the kid, that's for you. The rationale for discipline is to watch over them, so that they can grow.”
The first beracha, is the first stage of a child’s life. Rabbi Fohrman maintains that this first stage begins even before birth- in the womb, when we bless and watch over them. The goal of the womb is to guard the fetus and to give it a safe place to grow. It is sheltering our children. The word womb in Hebrew is רחם. That is the same root of the word רחמים- compassion. Compassion means
“to nurture them, to help them grow and to keep them safe so that they can grow. That's what the womb does, that's what compassion is. But compassion is not the only thing that we do as parents. A good parent does more, because if compassion is the fundamental building block of parenthood, you can build on those blocks.”
יָאֵ֨ר ה' פָּנָ֛יו אֵלֶ֖יךָ וִֽיחֻנֶּֽךָּ
Rabbi Fohrman quotes Rashi’s explanation of these words and that they mean that Hashem will illuminate His face towards you.
“It means, let G-d light up His face when He sees you. He can't help but being, His whole face lights up. This, in fact, is how Rashi asks us to translate this phrase. "Yir'eh lecha panim sochkot", Rashi says. Let G-d smile, let Him show you a beautiful, happy disposition.” And, then Hashem וִֽיחֻנֶּֽךָּ from the word חן- “grace” from the word חנם-for free. Hashem gives you this grace for free- absolutely undeserved, and or even when you do not deserve it. It is unconditional love. Different from רחמים which has a goal to raise the type of child you hope to have, חן has no goal.
“It's love for its own sake. It's love because you are my child, and I can't help but smile when I look at you. It's the kind of love that every father and mother knows, when their eyes meet the eyes of their child, and they can't help but smile.”
The third beracha expresses the third type of parenting, built on the first two of compassion and unconditional love.
יִשָּׂ֨א ה' פָּנָיו֙ אֵלֶ֔יךָ וְיָשֵׂ֥ם לְךָ֖ שָׁלֽוֹם
Rabbi Fohrman says that while in the 2nd phrase your פנים faces your child, it is “top down” with unconditional love that may not be deserved. Here, you face him “face to face”- you meet the gaze of your child, representing as he/she gets older. God lifts His face, representing when a parent might be disappointed in a choice that a child makes.
“The parent, in those moments, has a choice to make, a choice whether to avert their eyes or a choice to meet the gaze of their child… It means being able to accept your child, even in moments when they disappoint us. It is one thing to look down at a child and to meet his gaze; that is chein. It is a much harder thing to look across at a child and meet his gaze and give him shalom, give him peace…When our eyes meet, again it's a moment of love. It's a much more difficult love for a parent to give, but to truly be a parent, it means to be able to let go.What gives me the strength to do that, what gives me the strength to accept a child's separateness, whether that separateness is good or even, sometimes, when it's bad? The answer is, the past. If I've given the child rachamim, if I've invested in them, if I built them up, if I protected them, and I've smiled at them in delight, I have the wellsprings of love in the past to be able to draw from. I can remember all those good times and draw strength from them when the time comes, to give them one last gift: the gift of peace. It's the greatest gift that a parent can give.”
In this third stage of their development we ask ourselves if our children are ready to separate and carve our their own paths and are we ready to let them go in peace?
Rabbi Fohrman makes a suggestion that every Friday night when as parents we bless our children we should consider, at the stage in your child’s life, what type of these three parental loves does your child need? "Do they need to be built up? Do they need to be guarded? Maybe they need the smile that says I'm just so delighted with them. Maybe they need to see more chein. Or maybe they need peace. Maybe they need me to pick up their chin, to look them in the eye and to tell them that I can go forward with them in love, even when they've chosen differently than I have."
As we, at Yavneh, say farewell to our graduates- our children, we hope that we were able to partner with you to provide them with compassion, unconditional love and peace. And, to provide them, more importantly, with the skills to carry that weekly Friday night beracha- ברכת כהנים, as they grow up and leave their homes and beyond the walls of Yavneh.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students focused on how to manage finals.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed real-life “Do Not Stand Idly By” situations in their own daily lives with their peers and how to be “upstanders” even when it is difficult.
Eighth Grade: Students participated in workshops on mental health and substance abuse.
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