I believe that it is no coincidence that the new school year coincides with the new Jewish year. Just like we utilized Elul (usually the end of summer) to get ready for the new calendar year ahead, we can use Elul to get ready for the new school year ahead. Just like in Elul we do some חשבון הנפש - inner self- reflection and consider, “What can I do differently this coming year?” So too, students, teachers and parents do some חשבון הנפש and consider what can be different this year as well.
However, there is some potential disappointment that can follow such חשבון הנפש. What if the past year did not work out the way you had planned? From the spiritual and religious perspective- what if you feel that you did not grow and did not follow up on last year’s “new year resolutions” to improve in specific areas of character and religiosity?
And, as a student (or teacher/parent), what if you did not succeed in all the areas you had intended? Perhaps your grades were not as good in math as you had wanted. Or, maybe you often were disorganized and lost your papers. Or even socially, maybe you weren’t able to find your niche and make the friends you had wanted. The beginning of the year has the potential of being a very depressing time of year “I wasn’t able to do it last year! What is the chance of me being able to do it this year?!”
That is where we as parents and teachers come in. A few weeks ago my husband and I were interviewed on an OU podcast on the topic of “Conquering the Back to School Jitters.” Oftentimes, I mentioned, the reason children have those “back to school jitters” or are hesitant about the return to school is because they are only focused on their failures and not at all focused on all they had accomplished the previous year. I then offered a practical intervention which is a tradition we started about 10 years ago in our home where we go out to dinner some time before the start of the new school year and we hand each of our children letters we wrote about what their accomplishments were in the past year that made us proud. The goal of those letters is to have the children focus on what they can be proud of. So, they do not enter the year only recalling and re-hashing all that went “wrong” last year. They enter the year with the pride of the progress they made and hopeful that they can be successful.
Some items in the letters are non- academic accomplishments, like student council, a tzedakah drive, being deemed by the teacher as respectful or even being kind to a child in their class who felt lost.
But, how about areas which might have been challenging to our children and they may actually not have done well? We still shower praise in those areas. “So proud of how hard you worked in math and you never gave up even when it was challenging.” He/she was successful despite a low grade.. How?!
Dr. Carole Dweck, famous for her book Mindset, reveals a truth that when kept in mind can change one’s perspective on success. Dweck believes that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers praise our children. In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be enhanced through learning. We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!” This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term. On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, and improvement, leads to greater self- confidence. “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”
Dweck studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings and of different ethnicities. In one study, some children were told, “You must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do well. Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they thought they could learn. Dweck emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.” Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.
Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the essential nature of effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina. Whereas disappointment or boredom signals to others that it is time to change trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability to not give up creates the champion. We are always proud of the effort! We never praise the product. We praise the process.
Recently I attended a pre-Yamim Noraim shiur by Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg and he shared a similar message when it comes to our spiritual growth. He focused on the fact that when we make siyum we say “אנו עמלים “ - we work hard, and we do not say “אנו לומדים” - we learn. Because it is the effort, the hard work that counts. Even if we do not accomplish the goal in mind, it is the effort and the process that earns us the praise. This concept is what the quote (the actual source is a matter of discussion) says אין דבר העומד בפני הרצון, nothing stands in the way of desire. You may not have achieved your goal, but you had the רצון. So, when G-d evaluates you on Rosh HaShana He doesn’t necessarily judge you based on what you achieved, but on your desire and your effort. Did you try? Then you made it!
So, as we begin a new year in school and in life- we may not always achieve those religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but may we always remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as long as we try our best we have succeeded. As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them.
Advisory Update:
6th Grade: Our students learned what Advisory is all about, created group rules and did some getting to know you puzzle making activities.
7th Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of this year’s Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.”
8th Grade: Based on a video of Yavneh graduates speaking about their 8th grade experience, students were introduced to the theme “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” and were introduced to the fact that they will be learning practical skills to help them in the applying and transitioning to high school experience.
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