Compassionate Curiosity

  As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners. 

A few years ago, around this time,  I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman.  For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments.  He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled,  and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov.  He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel.  This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation. 

He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations.  Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid,  who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes.  Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail).  The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day.  The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader.  Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago.  Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him.  Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents,  and how much it would mean to them.  What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing. 

While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note.  Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively. 

The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.  

Tomorrow, I will be giving a workshop to some teachers as part of our inservice day on how to help children in anxiety in school.  I will discuss the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework, instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework?  What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?” 

The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin.  After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says, 

טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"

Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d  modeled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge. 

I will then discuss an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example.  Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care. 

“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.” 

We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize him/her.  As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient?  Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice.  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior.  And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.  

We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents).  That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please.  Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.   

As we approach the chag of Purim, we consider how the name of the heroine is Esther, which we know means “hidden.”  We know that Esther did not tell of her nationality while in the palace.  Additionally, she was hiding many of her innermost thoughts and feelings. And, no one truly knew who she was, except for Mordechai. Her real name was “Hadassah” - the beautiful smelling myrtle. She was forced to keep that beauty hidden. In fact, the entire holiday of Purim is celebrated in costume where we "hide" our true selves. Oftentimes, children hide their feelings which lead to their behaviors. Compassionate curiosity asks us as the adults in our children’s lives to admit that we may not truly know or understand what is “hidden” beneath the surface of our children- causing particular behaviors or even upset.  But, it is our job with compassionate curiosity to patiently believe that every child wants to be known and to uncover what is hidden. 

That is what we at Yavneh Academy are here for.  We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers.  And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgment, to help them grow and reveal their true potentials. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed what to do in conflicts with friends. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and how to be upstanders. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed, as part of the substance abuse unit, the permanent damage of alcohol abuse.

Do Not Stand Idly By

        Our seventh graders are in the middle of a unit in Advisory called “Do Not Stand Idly By.”  In this unit, we target the importance of standing up to injustice whether in your own lives, among your peers/ school, or in the world at large and particularly as it affects the Jewish community.  The unit begins with an issue facing the Jewish community today and first educates and empowers our students to be upstanders and do something.  This year our students are becoming educated about the war in Gaza, and how to stand up for Israel when it comes to the accusations Israel is facing in the world. The students learn about political action and the power that even they as students have.  The second part of the unit will focus on being upstanders when it comes to situations like bullying and mistreatment of others, for example.

The students learn about the psychological phenomenon called the bystander effect.  Why is it that when people see injustice happening they often do nothing? Social psychologists point to two reasons.  1. Diffusion of responsibility- if there are others looking on as well, they will all assume that someone else will intervene and therefore they do not. 2. Social influence- people monitor the behavior of others during a situation to determine how to act. If no one else is doing anything, then they conclude that help is not needed. 

In this past week’s parasha we saw a prime example of an “upstander” that of Moshe Rabbeinu. Rabbi David Fohrman points out that after the Jewish people commit Cheit Haegel, Hashem addresses Moshe, 

 לֶךְ־רֵ֕ד כִּ֚י שִׁחֵ֣ת עַמְּךָ֔

Go down because your nation has corrupted themselves. 

The word שִׁחֵ֣ת is the same word that was found right before the flood at the time of Noach:

יבוַיַּ֧רְא אֱלֹקים אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ וְהִנֵּ֣ה נִשְׁחָ֑תָה כִּֽי־הִשְׁחִ֧ית כָּל־בָּשָׂ֛ר אֶת־דַּרְכּ֖וֹ עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ

12And God saw the earth, and behold it had become corrupted, for all flesh had corrupted its way on the earth.

The last time the word was used (during the time of Noach) to describe a group of people they were destroyed. 

And, in fact that is what Hashem suggests to Moshe in 32:10, 

וְעַתָּה֙ הַנִּ֣יחָה לִּ֔י וְיִֽחַר־אַפִּ֥י בָהֶ֖ם וַֽאֲכַלֵּ֑ם וְאֶֽעֱשֶׂ֥ה אֽוֹתְךָ֖ לְג֥וֹי גָּדֽוֹל

Now leave Me alone, and My anger will be kindled against them so that I will annihilate them, and I will make you into a great nation."

Hashem’s plan was similar to the time of Noach- just like Hashem destroyed the world and started afresh with Noach, Hashem had intended to do with Moshe. 

But, unlike Noach who went along with Hashem’s plan, Moshe began arguing with Hashem. 

וַיְחַ֣ל מֹשֶׁ֔ה אֶת־פְּנֵ֖י ה’ אֱלֹקיו וַיֹּ֗אמֶר לָמָ֤ה ה֙’ יֶחֱרֶ֤ה אַפְּךָ֙ בְּעַמֶּ֔ךָ אֲשֶׁ֤ר הוֹצֵ֙אתָ֙ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרַ֔יִם בְּכֹ֥חַ גָּד֖וֹל וּבְיָ֥ד חֲזָקָֽה׃

But Moshe implored his God saying, “Let not Your anger, God, blaze forth against Your people, whom You delivered from the land of Egypt with great power and with a mighty hand.

Rabbi Fohrman continues to compare the characters of Moshe and Noach in a number of ways. The word וַיְחַ֣ל is found twice in the story of Noach (Bereishit 8:10, 9:20, albeit with different meanings).  Both Moshe and Noach lived in a תיבה- Moshe in the ark that his mother put him in to save his life and Noach in the ark he built. Both men were isolated for 40 days and 40 nights - Moshe at Har Sinai and Noach in the ark. And, Rabbi Fohrman points out that when Hashem told Moshe to leave Him alone and not defend Bnai Yisrael he says: הניחה לי- which has the word נח “lurking right there, in the middle of the word…saying in effect “And, now Moses…הניחה לי-just be a Noach to me…Noach left me alone when I told him I’m going to destroy the world. Why don’t you leave Me alone too? “

However, Moshe doesn’t listen and he implores Hashem who finally says:

וַיִּנָּ֖חֶם ה' עַל־הָ֣רָעָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר דִּבֶּ֖ר לַֽעֲשׂ֥וֹת לְעַמּֽוֹ

God then reconsidered the evil He had said He would do to His people.

In the whole five books of the Torah the word וינחם only appears in one other place…as Rabbi Fohrman would say “You guessed it…”  

וַיִּנָּ֣חֶם ה' כִּֽי־עָשָׂ֥ה אֶת־הָֽאָדָ֖ם בָּאָ֑רֶץ וַיִּתְעַצֵּ֖ב אֶל־לִבּֽוֹ

And the Lord regretted that He had made man upon the earth, and He became grieved in His heart.

Both have the same words, but Moshe helps create a different ending in the story. 

And, this is consistent with what we know about Moshe from before- the one who gets up to kill the Egyptian beating a Jew- standing up for the victim.  Then, he sees two Jews fighting and he intercedes. And, later he stands up against a “gang of shepherds” who were harassing Yitro’s daughters at the well.  Moshe was an upstander  As Rabbi Fohrman notes, “He always intercedes to save those in peril, no matter how powerful the aggressor. He never remains a mere bystander.”  That was the quality Hashem was looking for in a leader for the Jewish people. 

But the underlying quality that Moshe had, we see in Shemot 2:11, right before he goes out to save the Jew being hit by the Egyptian. וירא בסבלותם- “He looked at their burdens” and Rashi adds:  נָתַן עֵינָיו וְלִבּוֹ לִהְיוֹת מֵצֵר עֲלֵיהֶם- He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them. That is what empathy is- he felt their pain in his own heart. 

As we approach Purim I like to call that an “Esther moment.” (This term is based on a term that I read in Rabbi Dani Cohen’s book What Will They Say About You When You Are Gone? Creating a Life of Legacy which he calls an “Elijah moment.” Interestingly enough, there is a children’s book by the name “Your Esther Moment”- which I have not read).  Esther had become queen and Mordechai asked her to approach Achashverosh on behalf of her people. Esther responds to Mordechai that anyone who approaches the king without being called will be put to death. This is another reason why people do not stand up to injustice, that we discuss in Advisory. People are afraid of the negative consequences they might suffer if they stand up for what is right.  

Mordechai responds,  

כִּ֣י אִם־הַֽחֲרֵ֣שׁ תַּֽחֲרִ֘ישִׁי֘ בָּעֵ֣ת הַזֹּאת֒ רֶ֣וַח וְהַצָּלָ֞ה יַֽעֲמ֤וֹד לַיְּהוּדִים֙ מִמָּק֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וְאַ֥תְּ וּבֵֽית־אָבִ֖יךְ תֹּאבֵ֑דוּ וּמִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ אִם־לְעֵ֣ת כָּזֹ֔את הִגַּ֖עַתְּ לַמַּלְכֽוּת:

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and rescue will arise for the Jews from elsewhere, and you and your father's household will perish; and who knows whether for a time like this you attained the kingdom?"

Mordechai challenges her to be an upstander, and not a bystander and stand up for her people. She could have easily lived in luxury the rest of her life despite what was happening to her people.  Moshe could have easily lived in Pharaoh’s palace for the rest of his life, ignoring the plight of the Jewish people or could have allowed Hashem to make him into the start of a new nation after Cheit HaEgel, ignoring the plight of his people.  But, they were upstanders and would not stand idly by. 

One other reason we discuss for why people often remain bystanders and not upstanders is because they are afraid they will be considered “snitches” or “tattlers.” We stress the importance of telling an adult when something “unjust” or “wrong” is going on, even when it involves one’s friend. There is a difference between tattling to get someone in trouble and telling to get someone help.  When a friend is headed for trouble, we as loyal friends must do something. And, part of making that move is understanding the consequences of remaining silent. Most importantly, we try to help our students see that there are adults in their lives who are trustworthy and will try not to reveal the source of their information, if possible. 

Both Moshe and Esther are role models as “upstanders” for our students and for all of us. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders:  Students discussed what to do when they experience conflict with a friend.

Seventh Graders: Students discussed the topic of BDS when it comes to Israel.

Eighth Graders:  Began their unit on substance abuse and focused on the dangers of alcohol.