As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners.
A few years ago, around this time, I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman. For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments. He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled, and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov. He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel. This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation.
He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations. Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid, who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes. Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail). The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day. The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader. Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago. Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him. Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents, and how much it would mean to them. What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing.
While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note. Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively.
The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.
Tomorrow, I will be giving a workshop to some teachers as part of our inservice day on how to help children in anxiety in school. I will discuss the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework, instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework? What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?”
The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin. After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says,
טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:
And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"
Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d modeled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge.
I will then discuss an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example. Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care.
“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.”
We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize him/her. As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient? Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior. And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.
We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents). That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please. Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.
As we approach the chag of Purim, we consider how the name of the heroine is Esther, which we know means “hidden.” We know that Esther did not tell of her nationality while in the palace. Additionally, she was hiding many of her innermost thoughts and feelings. And, no one truly knew who she was, except for Mordechai. Her real name was “Hadassah” - the beautiful smelling myrtle. She was forced to keep that beauty hidden. In fact, the entire holiday of Purim is celebrated in costume where we "hide" our true selves. Oftentimes, children hide their feelings which lead to their behaviors. Compassionate curiosity asks us as the adults in our children’s lives to admit that we may not truly know or understand what is “hidden” beneath the surface of our children- causing particular behaviors or even upset. But, it is our job with compassionate curiosity to patiently believe that every child wants to be known and to uncover what is hidden.
That is what we at Yavneh Academy are here for. We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers. And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgment, to help them grow and reveal their true potentials.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed what to do in conflicts with friends.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and how to be upstanders.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed, as part of the substance abuse unit, the permanent damage of alcohol abuse.
No comments:
Post a Comment