As you know, this past week on Election Day 8 Jewish schools in the Bergen county area joined together to hear a presentation from Dr. David Rosmarin titled "Three Practical Strategies to Help Your Students Thrive with Anxiety.” Parents had the opportunity to hear him the night before (I joined that presentation as well). Dr. Rosmarin is the author of the book Thriving With Anxiety- 9 Tools To Make Anxiety Work For You. After that presentation, guidance staff from the schools met with Dr. Rosmarin as a group. It is always wonderful to exchange ideas and meet with our colleagues in the other schools. We are all on the same mission- to educate our children and make school a place of growth.
Dr. Rosmarin spent some time speaking about how those who need to deal with difficult, anxiety- provoking situations tend to manage anxiety better. For example, the United States is considered a high income country. Children in middle income countries, such as Brazil and Mexico, have half as much anxiety as high income countries. Low income countries, like Peru, where there are children living in villages with no electricity, no indoor plumbing, have half as much anxiety than children in middle income countries. Life is harder, and yet they are less anxious. They are used to daily anxiety, and thus are able to cope better and are overall less anxious.
Additionally, the anxiety levels in Israel, despite a war going on, and before the war being threatened by enemies, are actually lower than it is in the United States. This topic is connected to the article I wrote in March when I shared that the World Happiness report just came out on March 14 published by the United Nations Sustainable Development Solutions Network, in advance of World Happiness Day. Among the 155 countries surveyed, Israel was number 11! The United States was number 15. Some characteristics noted in the top countries were caring, freedom, generosity, honesty (yes, Israelis never hold back what’s on their minds!), health, income, and good governance. Some other characteristics noted were “having someone to count on in times of trouble, generosity, trust.” All good qualities to reinforce with our children.
While Dr. Rosmarin's overall theme was that anxiety is good for you- so use it, don’t erase it, I want to focus on another component of his presentation. One strategy he suggested for dealing with anxiety was building a spiritual connection. I want to stress that this is not particularly about Judaism. Dr. Rosmarin’s research (despite being an Orthodox Jew) applies to non- Jews as well. In fact, in Harvard University he leads a “Spiritual and Mental Health Laboratory” where “ We use scientific methods to study the relevance of spirituality/religion to behavioral and emotional wellbeing and distress. Our ultimate goal is to generate novel methods to prevent and treat mental disorders.” Additionally, he is on staff at McClean Hospital, renowned for its mental health inpatient treatment programs, where he is “the director of the Spirituality and Mental Health Program- Dr. Rosmarin studies the relevance of spirituality to mental health, and he innovates methods for clinicians to address this area of life. He has published over 100 manuscripts, editorials, and chapters, and served as co-editor of the Handbook of Spirituality, Religion and Mental Health.” In fact, the program that residents experience is called the SPIRIT program- Spiritual Psychotherapy for Inpatient, Residential & Intensive Treatment (SPIRIT). In a one year research study on the program, about 1,500 patients voluntarily participated in SPIRIT group sessions, and more than 90 percent reported getting something positive, including spiritual or religious resources helpful in their broader treatment.
For those of you who have been reading my column for some years you will know that this intervention he calls “spiritual connection” has been my passion for years. There has been much focus on the importance of SEL- social emotional learning to raise resilient children who are able to face their emotions and the world. While we have had a weekly Advisory program focusing on social emotional skills at Yavneh for 19 years, I have maintained that there is a different SEL that we who are working in yeshivot and we as Jewish parents need to relay to our students. Our students need more of an additional SEL - Spiritual Emunah Learning.
We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety. 79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent, and are even happier. Higher levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health.
Dr. Rosmarin stated “According to psychological science, the main causes of anxiety include intolerance of uncertainty and the need to be in control. Conversely, anxiety tends to be substantially less distressing when we are able to let go and accept the unknown.” We need to “Let go and let G-d.” We let go and know that G-d will take care of us. As Rosmarin says in his book “Accepting that nothing is certain, therefore, tends to open the door to conversations about faith in a more spiritual sense (for example, about a higher power)...At its core, transcendent faith is about recognizing and internalizing that we do not have control- and feeling good about that fact. It involves letting go completely and surrendering fully with the acceptance that we are only human.” Dr. Rosmarin asserts that the most powerful part of prayer- even for the non-religious- is it helps us internalize the fact that our power is limited. And, so when we accept our limits we can accept reality more easily. We need to actively help our children build a spiritual connection. It is not just about religion. It is about their mental health as well.
Dr. David Pelcovitz, in his article “Coping With Loss and Terror: Jewish and Psychological Perspectives” refers to Avraham’s test in this coming week’s parasha- Vayera. The Ramban on Bereishit 22:1 shares a lesson about how to deal with difficulty: (and anxiety resulting from difficulty):
וְהָאֱלֹקִים נִסָּה אֶת אַבְרָהָם עִנְיַן הַנִּסָּיוֹן הוּא לְדַעְתִּי בַּעֲבוּר הֱיוֹת מַעֲשֵׂה הָאָדָם רְשׁוּת מֻחְלֶטֶת בְּיָדוֹ, אִם יִרְצֶה יַעֲשֶׂה וְאִם לֹא יִרְצֶה לֹא יַעֲשֶׂה, יִקָּרֵא "נִסָּיוֹן" מִצַּד הַמְּנֻסֶּה, אֲבָל הַמְּנַסֶּה יִתְבָּרַךְ יְצַוֶּה בּוֹ לְהוֹצִיא הַדָּבָר מִן הַכֹּחַ אֶל הַפֹּעַל, לִהְיוֹת לוֹ שְׂכַר מַעֲשֶׂה טוֹב, לֹא שְׂכַר לֵב טוֹב בִּלְבַד. דַּע כִּי הַשֵּׁם צַדִּיק יִבְחָן (תהלים י"א:ה'), כְּשֶׁהוּא יוֹדֵעַ בְּצַדִּיק שֶׁיַּעֲשֶׂה רְצוֹנוֹ וְחָפֵץ לְהַצְדִּיקוֹ יְצַוֶּה אוֹתוֹ בְּנִסָּיוֹן, וְלֹא יִבְחַן אֶת הָרְשָׁעִים אֲשֶׁר לֹא יִשְׁמְעוּ. וְהִנֵּה כָּל הַנִּסְיוֹנוֹת שֶׁבַּתּוֹרָה לְטוֹבַת הַמְּנֻסֶּה:
AND G-D TRIED ABRAHAM. The matter of “trial,” in my opinion, is as follows: Since a man’s deeds are at his absolute free command, to perform them or not to perform them at his will, on the part of one who is tried it is called “a trial.” But on the part of the One, blessed be He, who tries the person, it is a command that the one being tested should bring forth the matter from the potential into actuality so that he may be rewarded for a good deed, not for a good thought alone.
Know further that G-d trieth the righteous, for knowing that the righteous will do His will, He desires to make him even more upright, and so He commands him to undertake a test, but He does not try the wicked, who would not obey. Thus all trials in the Torah are for the good of the one who is being tried.
Dr. Pelcovitz points out that the Ramban presents the view of “growth potential that is actualized by struggle presented by life’s ordeals.” As Dr. Rosmarin stated- don’t get rid of difficulty or anxiety- it helps you grow! It’s actually good for you.
And as the Midrash Rabbah 55:1 further elucidates:
וַיְהִי אַחַר הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה וְהָאֱלֹקים נִסָּה אֶת אַבְרָהָם (בראשית כב, א), כְּתִיב (תהלים ס, ו): נָתַתָּה לִּירֵאֶיךָ נֵס לְהִתְנוֹסֵס מִפְּנֵי קשֶׁט סֶלָּה, נִסָּיוֹן אַחַר נִסָּיוֹן, וְגִדּוּלִין אַחַר גִּדּוּלִין, בִּשְׁבִיל לְנַסּוֹתָן בָּעוֹלָם, בִּשְׁבִיל לְגַדְּלָן בָּעוֹלָם כַּנֵּס הַזֶּה שֶׁל סְפִינָה
“It was after these matters, God tested Abraham.” It is written: “You have given those who fear You a banner [nes] to wave [lehitnoses], because of truth [koshet], Selah” (Psalms 60:6) – test [nisayon] after test, elevation after elevation, in order to test them in [the eyes of] the world, and in order to exalt them in [the eyes of] the world, like an ensign [nes] on a ship.
A test, a challenge full of anxiety- elevates you and makes you better, stronger and more resilient.
The Orchot Tzaddikim, quoted by both Dr. Pelcovitz and Dr. Rosmarin, states in Shaar HaTeshuva, Gate 26:
כִּי הַצָּרוֹת הֵם לְטוֹבָתוֹ וּלְהֵיטִיב בְּאַחֲרִיתוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (מיכה ד ח): ״אַל תִּשְׂמְחִי אֹיַבְתִּי לִי, כִּי נָפַלְתִּי קָמְתִּי, כִּי אֵשֵׁב בַּחֹשֶׁךְ יְיָ אוֹר לִי״. וְאָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה: אִלְמָלֵא שֶׁנָּפַלְתִּי – לֹא קַמְתִּי; וְאִלְמָלֵא שֶׁיָּשַׁבְתִּי בַּחֹשֶׁךְ – לֹא הָיָה אוֹר לִי.
… to know that the afflictions are for his own good, and in the end it will be well with him. As it is said, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy; though I am fallen, I shall arise; though I sit in darkness, the Lord is a light unto me" (Micah 7:8). And our Sages, of blessed memory, said, "If I had not fallen, I would not have arisen! And, if I had not sat in the darkness, I would not have seen the light!" (Shohar Tov 22:7).
In order to rise, one needs to fall first. As Dr. Rosmarin writes, “Once pain has meaning, people stop struggling against it and become more accepting, so the suffering decreases - and in some cases dissipates altogether.”
And, so, I will end with a segment from a column I wrote during covid related to Dr. Rosmarin’s theme is that it is okay to let go, to fail, to be anxious and realize that we don’t have control. All of that leads to spirituality which can support us during anxious times.
Sometimes we need to teach our children to say, “It will be difficult. No miracle may be waiting around the corner. But, Hashem is always with me and He will support me no matter how hard it gets.” And, our relationship with Hashem is like all relationships. There are times when we feel Him close by and times of distance. But, He is always there.
Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “Helping Children Develop Faith” stresses the importance of first allowing children to express their anxieties and to never shut them down by saying things like “Don’t worry- G-d always protects us.” Although that statement is true, statements like that “should not be offered until you have helped the child address his or her frightened feelings. Fear causes cortical inhibition (a diminished capacity to process and utilize cognitive information), so providing education while the child is in a frightened state is usually useless. Moreover, trying to do so may be perceived as uncaring, which can harm the parent- child relationship.”
Radcliffe speaks about the importance of accepting their fears and asking them to tell you about it, so that they feel you are there for them. We then need to offer strategies to help them relax and calm their fears. Once they are more relaxed, that is the time to offer statements about belief in G-d, tell stories about how G-d has helped you in the past, or even help them recognize the hand of G-d in their own lives. She says, “Always help your child turn off fight-or-flight chemistry before talking about Divine Providence!”
What is the best way to do this? To model it for them. We help our children to develop personal relationships with Hashem and be cognizant of Him in every moment. by modeling for them and allowing for them to see our connection to Hashem.
One way is by speaking about it out loud. Whenever you have the opportunity to discuss an example of G-d in your life bring it up in conversation. There is a famous story of the Kotzker Rebbe. He was walking by a small boy and asked him, “Little boy, where is G-d?” The boy replied, “That’s easy. He is everywhere.” The Kotzker Rebbe responded, “G-d is only where you allow Him to enter.” As parents, as with any value or skill we want our children to acquire, when we model bringing Hashem into our daily lives, our children will mimic and internalize this behavior. And, when they learn Tanach or even learn science or history, we need to make a conscious effort to point out the hand of Hashem.
And, so we left Dr. Rosmarin’s presentation realizing that our “anxious generation” can thrive. We just need to reinforce that anxiety is good for you. It can help you grow. And, let go and let G-d.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students learned the PACK method for organizing their lockers and backpacks.
Seventh Grade:Students learned some essential communication skills needed for teamwork to be experienced at Frost Valley this week.
Eighth Grade: Students learned about the interview process and important life skills related to their high school interview.
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