Parent Teacher Conferences- Being Thankful For "Not Yet Success"

             Parent teacher conferences and Thanksgiving are usually in close proximity to each other.  What is the subliminal message? Some cynics might say,  to be thankful we only have to go through it twice a year?  That we are so exhausted so we need two days off soon after? I rather see it as being a positive connection as we are thankful as teachers and parents for our students and all their hard work, participation in class and their unique personalities.  We are thankful for the time our teachers put into our children and the time parents spend at home helping the students manage their work. So, parent-teacher conferences should be a “high-five” session of - good for you! You worked so hard and you are appreciated. 

But, what if there are areas that your child needs to work on or he has not succeeded in every area?  Gratitude is again the answer.  Research shows that employees are more motivated to work hard when their bosses show appreciation. And, vice versa. Employees are prone to work less when their bosses are too demanding or they fear losing their job.  But, how do you show gratitude to a child?  I would like to reframe gratitude and view it as “praise”- which is more effective.  Yes, each day in the Amidah, as we teach our children, we say בקשה , שבח and הודאה- praise, requests, and thanks. We know that thanks comes after we have received the “requests.” And, while there is value in that thanks, perhaps there is greater value in the “praise” that is not dependent on the results. Praise is when we show how thankful we are that they are our children- independent of whether they have achieved all that we have hoped for. 

Some years ago our teachers were privileged to hear several presentations by Dr. Tom McIntyre (Dr. Mac) at a Faculty Inservice Day.  Dr. Mac is a professor of special education at Hunter College of the City University of New York where he directs the graduate program in the education of students with mental health and behavior disorders.  He is the author of four books and his informative BehaviorAdvisor.com, is the world's most visited classroom behavior management website. Dr. Mac presented practical and easy to implement research- based positive techniques and communication tips for teachers to help promote motivation and cooperative behavior, solve problems (or better yet, prevent them), promote self- control and strengthen their positive relationships with their students.   

One area of focus for Dr. Mac was the area of praise.  Dr. Mac stressed, unbeknownst to many, that there have been thirteen types of praise studied in research and only two have been shown to work, and some are even counter-productive and harmful.  Teachers spent time learning how to praise our students effectively.   And along with praise, how do we utilize criticism that teaches and motivates?  As we leave parent teacher conferences today, how can we as parents utilize some of Dr. Mac’s tips to most effectively praise and share critique? 

Dr. Mac quoted the research of Dr. Carol Dweck on praise, which we have mentioned in this column before. We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, and improvement, leads to greater self- confidence.  “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “ You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”  We should never praise the product, but rather the process.  Again, this is שבח- praise and not הודאה- thanks, as it is not results based. 

But, what if it is not all praise and we need to critique? How we critique has to do with the mindset of the “critiquer.” Dr. Mac spoke of symptom separation- when it comes to speaking with our children about areas they need to improve, we need to remember we are frustrated with the behavior and not the child. This reminds us of the Gemara in Berachot 10a, as Bruriah says to her husband Rabbi Meir: 

 אָמְרָה לֵיהּ בְּרוּרְיָא דְּבֵיתְהוּ: מַאי דַּעְתָּךְ — מִשּׁוּם דִּכְתִיב ״יִתַּמּוּ חַטָּאִים״, מִי כְּתִיב ״חוֹטְאִים״? “חַטָּאִים״ כְּתִיב

..Rabbi Meir’s wife, Berurya, said to him: What is your thinking? As it is written: “Let sins cease from the land” (Psalms 104:35), Is it written, sinners cease?” Let sins cease, is written. One should pray for an end to their transgressions, not for the demise of the transgressors themselves.

The  pasuk in Tehillim 104:35 says:יִתַּ֚מּוּ חַטָּאִ֨ים | מִן־הָאָ֡רֶץ “Sinners will be destroyed from the earth.” Note that it says "חטאים” sins and not “חוטאים” - sinners. In truth, it is the sins that we want to disappear, not the sinner himself. We need to separate the child from the behavior. Rather than perceiving it as a child who is irritating me with not following through on what he is supposed to be doing, it is a difficult situation and he needs my caring and empathy.  The manner in which we react to their “failure” to either do the work or behave, will determine how they react. We are the thermostat for adjusting the temperature in our homes, so we need to manage our own emotions first.  

Dr. Mac shared with use the Chinese symbol for crisis: 危机. It is composed of two symbols- one that means danger and one that means opportunity.  We need to be careful that when we critique our children we are not just focused on the “danger” but also on the “opportunity” ahead for change.  We need to exude calm, make it clear what you need the child to do- but avoid “You” statements”  and focus more on “I” statements. No, “You are always forgetting your homework.’ Rather, “I need homework done first before…”   Just make sure a “you message” is not embedded in an “I message” like, “I need you to stop acting lazy.” Most importantly, we do not want to predict a negative future when critiquing, “You will never get into high school with these grades!” “You are going to fail the test!”   We want to show them that we are hopeful that they can do it.  We need to be careful not to use an accusatory tone. And, there needs to be a belief statement that you believe he/she can do better, “I know if we put this plan into effect you can…” And, whatever you do, do not reminisce and go back to the past. “Remember when you didn’t take notes  last year and you failed?”  That child knows you don’t believe in him/her and are predicting failure again. 

Additionally, children are willing to take criticism if they believe you believe in them.  Dr. Mac quoted research that states that in life we probably hear three positive things to one negative.  Our morale starts lowering when we hear only 2 positives to 1 negative.  That led Dr. Mac to speak about the criticism sandwich which he calls “emotional health food.” Criticism is digested better when it is delivered in a sandwich of positives. You start off with a praise, then the critique and then the encouragement that you know he can do it. 

As we leave parent teacher conferences today and decide how to share the good and not so good news with our children, may Dr. Mac’s advice regarding praise and criticism, like the sandwich,  be “food for thought.” 

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders learned more about scheduling their evening as part of their time management unit. 

Seventh Grade: As part of their unit on Empathy students discussed how we often judge others.

Eighth Grade:   Before Thanksgiving, students focused on the “Attitude of Gratitude” and that being thankful actually makes a person happier.

Instead Of Screen Time

  This past week I joined a Yavneh workshop led by Mrs. Ora Bayowitz- Meier called “Film Time, Not Screen Time: Engaged Family Viewing.”  There we discussed how watching movies, or “shorts” with our families, and stopping the movies periodically and discussing life lessons that can be gleaned from the movies with our children is a wonderful way to bond with our children.  I mentioned how for years now I have been using movie clips (probably stemming from my days as a “programmer” for NCSY) as triggers for discussions in Advisory. Years ago, I had to splice out segments from a VHS tape. Now, luckily, much of that can be found on youtube!

In addition to the family bonding and the lessons we can convey to our children, more important is that these family bonding movies are taking our children away from their devices and staring at their individual screens.  Thanks to our parent-led endeavors we are hopefully pushing off getting our children phones and the use of social media, but alas, just this week I had two incidents of upset students based on chats on whatsapp with fellow classmates. (One of which was on a grade chat. Don’t start me on those!! Nothing good comes out of those chats!). 

I read a research study that just came out this week from researchers in the University of California reported in The Week in an article titled “Social media makes kids dumber”.  They reported that “preteens who spend more time on social media show poorer reading, vocabulary, and memory skills by early adolescence than those who use it little or not at all…The authors note that adolescence is a critical period for brain development, when the brain’s architecture is fine- tuned by experiences. Their findings, they say, highlight the need for policies to limit kids’ exposure to screens.”  While we already know the impact of technology on teen mental health, as noted last week, it also impacts their cognitive abilities. 

In recent discussions with Mr. Jason David, our Director of Technology, in getting our Student Technology Advisory Committee started this year (composed of 7th and 8th graders), he noted that students need more activities to replace screen time. Those movie nights are one such activity. But, we need to find more for our children to engage in other than staring at their devices. Friendship Circle, Motzai Shabbat learning programs, sports, art lessons, the Chesed Team- all good examples.  We, as parents, need to unite to help plan activities for our children to engage in instead of screen time. 

In my conversation with one of the young ladies about what happened on the whatsapp chat that upset her, I said in frustration “Why in the world are you having this discussion on a chat?! Why not in person?!”  She replied that she would never have been able to say what she said on the chat in person. (Which she viewed as defending herself).  “Yes! That’s the point”, I said to her!  We often say things we would never dare say in person- because it’s hurtful, on a chat. And, then what we said is there forever and can be screenshot.

 As it says on Common Sense Media (a great resource we use in school)

Tell your kids to think before they post. Remind them that everything they post can be seen by a vast, invisible audience (otherwise known as friends of friends of friends). With middle schoolers, it's a good idea for parents and caregivers to have access to what their kids are doing online. That way, you can be sure that what they're posting is appropriate, and help your kids avoid doing something they'll regret later.

I know it’s obvious and we have all heard it before- but two instances this week!  (And, those are the ones I knew about). 

When I was growing up we used to listen a Jewish singing group called Safam. I heard a song of theirs on Friday, connected to this past Shabbat’s parasha, called “A Song For Lot.” It talks  about how when Sedom and Amorah were destroyed, Lot and his family were not supposed to look back. Of course, Lot’s wife did not listen and turned into a pillar of salt. The song shares a metaphor:”... Ahead is a bright tomorrow,  Behind you a life of sin, Don’t ever look back once you begin.  Don’t let your mind slip away to olden times. Just look ahead…”  In life, we often make mistakes, and once we recognize the error of our ways and repent we should not dwell on the past. We should start afresh. 

However, when you think about it, when it comes to social media- there is no way to escape our past. Once we post it’s there forever.  And, the cognitive impact on our children of too much social media use is not retractable. 

So, let’s have a family movie night, where we talk to each other about what we are watching.  Let’s go out and buy our children more board games and help them take up some hobbies instead of device time! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students spoke about what stands in the way of their managing their time, the “glitches.”

Seventh Grade:  Students debriefed their Frost Valley experience considering what they gained, and began a new unit called Operation Respect on empathy through preparing for a visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack. 

Eighth Grade: Students considered what they are good at and filled out a “Self-evaluation” sheet of activities they are involved in which administrators will use in filling out their recommendations for high school. 

A Frost Valley Lesson For Life

        Our Seventh Graders recently returned home from their three day Frost Valley trip. For those of you who were once students at Yavneh yourselves you will recall that Frost Valley is one highlight of the Yavneh Middle School experience. And, while the trip is incredible in so many ways, in my twenty years at Yavneh I can say that each year we have students who are anxious about going. We spend much time before the trip preparing those students and encouraging them that they can do it!  And, I can proudly say they go despite that anxiety, (thank you to the parents who help us prepare them), and have the time of their lives. And, in reality, the theme of the Frost Valley experience through the various outdoor activities is to stretch yourself, step outside your comfort zone, embrace challenge and reach for new heights (pun intended!). 

While some children are by nature more anxious, studies involving thousands of children and college students show that anxiety has increased substantially since the 1950's. In fact, the studies find that anxiety has increased so much that typical schoolchildren during the 1980's reported more anxiety than child psychiatric patients did during the 1950's. Why the increase? There are many hypotheses presented. Some have linked the increase to the economy. Others have stated that this generation is more willing to admit when they are dealing with anxiety. One other suggestion by Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me is, "These results suggest that as American culture has increasingly valued extrinsic and self-centered goals such as money and status, while increasingly devaluing community, affiliation, and finding meaning in life, the mental health of American youth has suffered.”

Dr. Wendy Mogel writes in her book The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, that an increased level of “fearfulness in children and intense protectiveness in parents was something I saw all the time.” Perhaps increased overprotectiveness has contributed to the increased anxiety?

Dr. Jonathan Haidt, whose words have been the focus of many of my columns over the past few years, famous for his research on the harm cellphones have had on children, substantiates Mogel’s hypothesis as he writes in his book The Anxious Generation. He shares that anxiety has increased 139 percent in people ages 18-25 between 2010-2020. He feels that overprotective parenting and screentime are the two leading causes of that anxiety. Haidt discusses the importance of  “play-based childhood" which has declined due to “safetyism” - parents becoming overprotective and not allowing space for adventuring. Children then do not grow in their confidence. 

As Dr. Haidt notes: 

"Several studies find that coddling or helicopter parenting is correlated with later anxiety disorders, low self-efficacy (which is the inner confidence that one can do what is needed to reach one's goals), and difficulty adjusting to college. Children are intrinsically anti-fragile, which is why overprotective children are more likely to become adolescents who are stuck in defend mode. In defend mode, they're likely to learn less, have fewer close friends, be more anxious, and experience more pain from ordinary conversations and conflicts. Kids are hungry for thrills, and they must get them if they're to overcome their childhood fears and wire up their brains so that the discover mode becomes the default. In the process, they develop a broad set of competencies, including the ability to judge risk for themselves, take appropriate action when faced with risks, and learn that when things go wrong—even if they get hurt—they can usually handle it without calling an adult."

Ironically, while we were overprotective of our children in real-life “Then we left children free to wander through the wild west of the virtual world, where threats to children abounded." We were over-protecting them in the real-world and under-protecting them in the virtual world. 

Haidt discusses two modes of operating in life:  "Healthy childhood with a lot of autonomy and unsupervised play in the real world sets children's brains to operate mostly in discover mode with a well-developed attachment system and an ability to handle the risks of daily life. Conversely, when there is society-wide pressure on parents to adopt modern overprotective parenting, it sets children's brains to operate mostly in defend mode with less secure attachment and reduced ability to evaluate or handle risk." With societal pressure to overprotect our children, we are placing them in “defend mode” and they think they need us constantly there to protect them. 

In the parasha we read this past Shabbat, Hashem turns to Avraham and challenges him to step out of his comfort zone and go on his own journey by commanding "לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵֽאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ: " "Leave your land, your birthplace and the house of your father to the land which I will show you." (Bereishit 12:1). It is as if Hashem is stressing with Avraham how hard it will be for him to leave that which is familiar to him and to challenge himself with the unknown. Avraham must have felt anxious about going out on his own. The experience of Avraham's “lech lecha” contains a message for both children and parents.

For children, it is important to understand that at times it is difficult to try something new and embark on a new “journey.” Whether it is the first time at sleepaway camp (or Frost Valley!)  or trying out for the team even though you are nervous- you can do it! At times we need the courage to remind ourselves that we can do it. We have the skills. Our parents and teachers have confidence in us. No one said it would be easy. But, like Avraham, Hashem is with you to support you all the way.

As parents, when our children are faced with anxiety it is hard for us to resist the temptation to become "heroes" and save them from their fears. (Assuming their fears are "normal" parts of growing up and do not overly impact their daily living). At some point we need to say, "This is part of life, and YOU need to go through this." Hashem said to Avraham, "Lech lecha" - go for you. Even though as parents it is painful for us to let go and allow you to experience life's challenges, it is good for you. It is for your self-development.

We are fearful of all that is out there in the world today. The internet, substance use, eating disorders- you name it. As parents, all we want to do is protect our children. However, there is such thing as being over-protective. Dr. Sue Blaney calls that kind of parenting “Helicopter Parenting.” “Helicopter parents are hovering parents. They run interference, they pave the way for them, they fight their kids’ battles for them, they protect them at all cost. Helicopter parents don’t allow their kids enough rein to fall, or succeed on their own.”

Or, as Dr. Wendy Mogel writes in her book in a section called “Raising Your Children To Leave You,” “Keeping too close an eye on children is a stumbling block. If they don't have the chance to be bad, they can't choose to be good. If they don't have the chance to fail, they can't learn. And, if they aren't allowed to face scary situations, they'll grow up to be frightened of life's simplest challenges.” Dr. Mogel continues, “The Talmud sums up the Jewish perspective on child- rearing in a single sentence, 'A father is obligated to teach his son how to swim.' Jewish wisdom holds that our children don't belong to us. They are both a loan and a gift from God, and the gift has strings attached. Our job is to raise our children to leave us. The children's job is to find their own path in life. If they stay carefully protected in the nest of the family, children will become weak and fearful or feel too comfortable to want to leave.”

Our goal as parents is to develop resilient and self-reliant children who can face up to challenges even when we are not with them. Helicopter parenting creates the opposite. If we do it all for them, how will they learn to do it for themselves? This applies to academics, interactions with peers, athletics- in every arena. None of us want our children to fail. But, if we overprotect them, and never allow them to experience failure- they do not develop the requisite skills to cope with disappointment. They crumble. There is no greater protection that we can provide to our kids than to help them realize that they can fall and get up again.

Hashem did not simply send Avraham and let go. Rather, we see that Hashem says He is sending him to a land that He will "show him." Hashem, as parent, will show him how to get there, but Avraham needs to ultimately make the journey independently.

Do you recall those toddlerhood years when our children were learning to walk? We let go and allowed them to take those steps, but we stood nearby ready to help them get up again if they fell. We empower them to try on their own while at the same time giving them the message that we are always here to protect them and step in if needed.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-

Students are investigating the time management skills from which they could benefit. 

Seventh Grade: 

The Frost Valley trip this week was a real-life implementation of team-work and communication skills they learned in Advisory.

Eighth Grade: 

Students learned some test-taking strategies and had an overview of the JSAT exam they will be taking.