Parenting Pointers- Graduation, Gratitude and Gam Zu L'Tova

As we watched our graduates march down the aisle last night, we felt a sense of pride as we have watched them grow into fine young people. These past number of days, there have been a few themes that have repeated themselves over and over. One of them has been, “Thank you.” All of our speakers last night relayed numerous thank yous to their parents, teachers and classmates. One speaker even dedicted his entire speech to the theme of Hakarat Hatov. (Hopefully, at the end of year we are encouraging all of our children- even those not graduating- to say, “Thank you” to their teachers for the countless hours and kochot (efforts) the have put into them). Parents have contacted us with thank-yous for caring for their children these past 10 years. And, of course, as educators we thank our parents for entrusting these children to us, and thank Hakadosh Baruch Hu for guiding us in guiding them.
This spirit of gratitude is actually healthy for everyone and is should not only be relegated to graduation time. Psychologist Robert Emmons at the University of California has spent years researching the positive effect of gratitude. Subjects who kept gratitude journals reported fewer negative physical symptoms, felt better about their lives and more more optimistic about the coming week. They were more likey to have achieved academic, health and interpersonal goals. There was also increased levels of helpfulness towards others. (We know the obvious positive effects of reaching out to others).
When this research was focused particularly on teens they were found to have had higher levels of alertness, attentiveness, energy, enthusiasm and determination.
Some of the physiology behind all these results can be found in the fact that researchers have discovered that when one thinks about something for which he or she is grateful, the parasympathetic a (the branch of the nervous system which creates calm), is triggered. This in turn has positive effects on the heart, as the electromagnetic patterns of the subjects became more stable.
Dr. Emmons discusses the problematic gratitude that many of us have. We generally only feel “conditional” gratitude when things go our way. If he gets an “A” on the test, then he is grateful to the teacher. If she received the Chanukah gift for which she had been hoping, only then she is grateful. He claims that we can choose to be grateful before we receive what we want. He highlights four benefits in doing so:

1. Being grateful frees you to truly feel happiness as it protects you from being angry, stressed, anxious or discouraged.
2. A grateful person is a more pleasant person, and this can only have positive impacts on your relationships.
3. “Feeling gratitude gradually reveals all there is to feel grateful for and that allows you to truly appreciate it.” Once a person is focused on gratitude he will actually discern more things for which to feel grateful.
4. Feeling grateful “attracts you to conditions that support your feelings of gratitude.” Meaning, if one is grateful for that which has not yet happened, and you wish it to happen, that event is more prone to happen. (This may be something akin to self- fulfilling prophesy- a positive or negative expectation about circumstances that affects a person's behavior and causes that expectation to be fulfilled. For example, if I expect people to think I am a poor student, I may behave in a certain way to make that expectation come true- unconsciously).

This is truly what the concept of “Gam Zu L'tova” “This too is for the best,” is as is found in Gemara Ta'anit 21a about Nachum Ish Gamzu. He received this nickname as no matter what negative experiences he faced in life, he always said, “This too is for the best,” and was grateful for his lot as he always expected and focused on the positives. We are grateful even when things do not go our way. A similar theme is found in Berachot 60b as Rabbi Akiva was accustomed to saying "Everything Hashem does is for the good,” in frustrating and even frightening situations. In essence, he was grateful to Hashem for that which does not appear “good” as well.
How do we raise children who are able to be grateful even before good things happen or when they don't happen at all? How do we raise children with an atitude of gratitude that permeates their entire being? Emmons speaks about “Gratitude Journals” where at the end of each day you focus on the events for which you are grateful. The underlying goal is get our children to focus on all that is good in their lives each day. That can be a conversation at the table about some positive things that happened to them that day. We also can help them re-frame negative events that they experienced thereby helping them practice “Gam zu l'tovah.” It may be difficult for a teenager to see the positive side of failing an exam. But, we can try to help them minimize the utter devastation they are feeling, (after you have empathizes and listened), by helping them see that it is only one test...and the teacher will still respect him... and it doesn't mean he's a failure...and things will get better. That is all part of “Gam zu l'tovah.”
As we end the year, let us feel grateful for our numerous success, and even grateful for the failures as well. But, more importantly, let us feel grateful for the successes that have yet to come.


Have a wonderful summer!

Parenting Pointers- Suffering From Stigma

As a psychologist who works in a school, one of my priorities is to minimize the stigma there is in talking to someone like me. I do not want children to feel that there must be something “wrong” with them if they are speaking with me. As I introduce myself to the students and their parents for the first time in 6^th grade, I stress to them that I meet with ALL the students simply to check in, see how they are doing and to get a pulse on how the students perceive different aspects of school-life. I also purposefully involve myself in activities that have nothing to do with my official role in the school. For example, this past week, I coordinated the Yom Yerushalayim program in the Middle School. These sort of activities give me the chance to “hang” with students. I have also in the past taught Judaic Studies as well. These activities provide the opportunity for the students to see me as someone who doesn't only meet with “crazy” kids.

Fortunately, I think my efforts are mostly successful. (As successful as they can be with teenagers who typically are wary around adults!) However, unfortunately, this stigma still exists when it comes to teenagers seeking private counseling help outside of school. As I often share with parents, in my fifteen years of working in schools, I can think of only a handful of students who asked to have private counseling. Most teenagers feel that it means they are “crazy” and that their parents have labelled them as “mental.”

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference sponsored by Ohel on the topic of Understanding Teen Depression and Suicidality. Grace Carricarte, the presenter was from an organization called the Ganley Foundation. Their mission is to educate teenagers, their teachers and their parents about depression, its warning signs and that depression is not just for the the “mentally ill.” The founders of this organization – parents from Bergen county- lost their son at the age of 22 to suicide. They did not even know he was depressed. He was a “perfect” child- life of the party, always successful in academics and sports, and even presented to them a picture of perfect happiness. In his good-bye letter he said that he presented that way to them purposefully because he did not want them to feel guilty that they did something wrong as parents. The Ganleys were overwhelmed with anger that no one had ever told them this could happen. Children get yearly check-ups to check for all sorts of maladies. Depression is an illness- like cancer, or diabetes. It is treatable. Why didn't anyone tell them to look out for it? And, so their mission became to speak about the warning signs so that teens could self-refer and refer their friends for help. Teens don't generally come forward to ask for help. Why not?

According to a 2009 Rand study, the stigma of depression and the potentially negative reactions of their family and parents to admitting needing help are the main reasons why teens do not seek help. The message from this study is obvious. As parents, we need to minimize the stigma of getting help. We need to make it clear to our children that there are many “normal” difficulties in life, and sometimes we need help from an expert in working them through. Those who enter therapy have life challenges or stessors that are affecting their ability to cope- for now. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. They should NEVER be afraid to tell us anything. We will always support them and get them the help they need.

In addition, many teens do not even realize they are suffering from depression, as they think it might be a phase through which they are going. And, oftentimes, when they do report to adults, the adults chalk it up to a “phase” as well. That is where the education piece comes in. They need to understand what the illness of depression is- what physiologically happens in the brain, and how it is treated.

Teens also often have many misconceptions about how therapy works. They think it means lying on a couch spilling their secrets with a therapist who just nods his/her head and then later reveals all to the parents. Clearly, that is therapy on TV. Therapy today is education and directed activities to achieve a goal. Therapists who work with teenagers are careful about confidentiality issues. Teens are also used to concealing problems as they may not want to admit that there are difficulties. Those suffering with depression also often feel unworthy. They feel worthless so they feel they are not worth the help. Overall, the fear, embarrassment and even at times, defiance, stand in the way of their getting help. As the adults, we need to make sure that just like if our child, G-d forbid, had cancer we would not allow him to suffer, so too we must make sure that he gets the treatment he needs. (The stigma tends to be even greater in boys and men who are not “supposed to” emot like girls do).

The stigma is magnified in the Jewish community. No one will admit in public that they are suffering. Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot spoke about this issue at length in his 2001 article in Jewish Action Magazine “Dimensions- A Young Man's Story of Torment- Surviving Depression.” As parents, we need to stress to our children that it's not a “shanda” to feel depressed.

And, so, I have added another “Talk” to our list of “talks” we need to have with our children. (You thought the puberty talk was bad enough!) The details of these talks may be different, but the underlying message is the same. No matter what you tell me, I will always love you and take you seriously. Nothing you ever tell me will make me ashamed of you.

I/2 Shabbat?

“Half-Shabbos”!!! What in the world is that? I recently had the privilege of hearing a presentation by Dr. David Pelcovitz, a renowned psychologist in the Orthodox Jewish world today. The goal of his presentation was to discuss how to keep your child safe in today's world. Topics like sexual abuse, or even substance abuse would be topics one would imagine would be top on his list to discuss. These are topics about which we are concerned. We have incorporated them into our Advisory programming. Most Yeshivot and parents today are worried about “at-risk” teens, and considering what we can do to minimize those risks. But, instead, most of the comments/questions at the end of the lecture were about a new and disturbing phenomenon called “half-Shabbos.” I actually heard about the existence of this behavior some time ago. The first time I heard about it I could not imagine what it meant. Is it sort of like keeping 1 and ½ days of Yom Tov in Eretz Yisrael if you are American? Not quite.

It is when someone in public appears to keep all the laws of Shabbat, goes to shul etc., except that he texts his other friends who are “half-Shabbos” observers on Shabbat. This phenomenon exists in every stream of Orthodox Judaism from the east to the west coast. It appears that a network of these teens has developed. Why does this happen? How could this happen? How could it be that children growing up in Shomer Shabbat homes and going to Yeshivot all their lives could lose the meaning of Shabbat? What are we doing wrong? I, personally, am devastated.

Some of the hypotheses we discussed were:

1. Texting is like breathing to children today. In fact, in a recent study that Dr. Pelcovitz conducted, most teens said that they preferred to text their friends than to speak to them in person. I once shared in one of my columns that one of our 7^th graders told me that she never actually uses the phone to call her friends. Those around her concurred. They are therefore not comfortable communicating face to face as they should be. This fact reminds us that we need to encourage our teens to put down the phone and talk to their friends, and invite them over. People in the business field can even substantiate the fact that the young employees, who spend most of their day texting, are missing some essential social skills important for business success. So, just like one cannot live one day without breathing, one cannot live one day without texting.
2. There is an addictive quality to texting. Today there are addiction centers that treat people for addictions to the internet and digital media. Although, one might say, that even those who are addicted to smoking refrain for the 25 hours of Shabbat. Again, the need to limit texting and digital media is essential to prevent addiction.
3. Those of us who are parents of teens, think about where we are Shabbat afternoon when this texting is happening. We are mostly upstairs taking our Shabbat naps. We have waited years for our children to be independent enough so we can leave them to their own activities and take a well-deserved “shluff.” This phenomenon reminds us that our teens still need us on Shabbat. It's never too late to start spending quality time Shabbat afternoon- play some Monopoly, study for a test, talk. Is is better to start this practice when they are younger. It is okay to have a Shabbat here and there where no one has play dates and we just spend time as a family. And, if your teen is resistant to that bonding time, and must be with friends, invite them over and spend some time in their vicinity. Many “half-Shabbos” teens have indicated that if their parents were around, they would not text on Shabbat.
4. Are we successful with inculcating the true joy of Shabbat to our children? Do they observe that joy on our faces when Shabbat arrives? Do we talk to them about what Shabbat means to us as a spiritual day?

I left that lecture with some realizations. First, we need to have a frank discussion with our teens about our knowledge of this “half-Shabbos” practice and how much it would disappoint us if our children would participate in this. We should not feel hesitant to make our values clear.

Second, we are so busy making sure our children stay safe by not doing drugs, having positive self esteem and learning good life skills that we have forgotten to make sure that our children appreciate what Judaism, (and Shabbat), is all about. We need to do a better job at “turning our children on” to Shabbat so that they will not keep it halfheartedly, but in full.

Tzniut and Eating Disorders- What's The Connection

I used to teach a class on halachot and hashkafot that relate to women and girls. You may be shocked to hear that as a psychologist I was always excited to get up the topic of tzniut. Why? Because I felt that tzniut was not about skirt lengths and necklines, and I never focused on that aspect. I felt that it was up to each young lady's parents and rabbi to discuss with her what her guidelines should be. Rather, tzniut is truly about body image. 80% of women are unhappy with their bodies. 4 out of 5 10 year olds are afraid of being fat. And, of course, in the extreme, some of these dissatisfied girls grow to have true eating disorders which can even begin at the young lower school years.

I like to think that many of the halachot that regulate our lives have a beneficial impact on our mental health. I believe that tzniut is in that category. As women, I want our girls to understand that tzniut can truly help solidify their self-image and can strengthen them as self- sufficient women. If we focus on the restrictive nature of some of the details then of course they become resentful. When I demonstrate to the girls that the values that tzniut represent are at times envied by the general world at large, they begin to view the issues differently.

In 2010, Jessica Simpson (not necessarily a role model for our girls), launched a reality television series called “The Price of Beauty.” In the series' fifth episode, she visited Morraco and the episode highlighted the head-to-toe coverings of some of the women. Simpson noted how without showing much skin, these women were beautiful. "It really is about the heart of a woman that makes her beautiful," she noted. Hmm, but how do we get the world to focus on what's inside and not just what's on our outsides?

In 2008, I stumbled across an article called “Teen Fashion Today”by Abigail Jones and Marissa Miley. They begin, “Let’s go back in time. It’s 2002 and you’re taking your young daughter shopping. She’s ten or eleven years old, and wants to stop into Abercrombie & Fitch. You reluctantly agree, trudging towards that plaid abyss of booming music and semi-nude models. But once inside you are surprised. You find simple corduroy pants, tees, and sweats. Clean-cut young sales associates, too. Just when you’re beginning to get comfortable, you turn and see pink thongs emblazoned with the words 'eye candy' and 'wink wink' - in your daughter’s pre-pubescent size. You panic. So did consumer and parent groups. But A&F didn’t change a thing.” Can you relate? They continue, “Girls strive to look sexy because sexy is what they see - they think it will help them get further, gain confidence, and earn attention...For some reason, many parents are going along with it. We’ve talked with countless mothers who buy whatever their daughters want because everyone has it. Moms want their daughters to fit in and be happy.” Boys have the same pressure too. Our children believe they can get attention for their physical outsides, without flaunting their beautiful insides. But, we want them to know that strength of character is what “helps them get further, gain confidence and earn attention.”

We are trying to raise children who are not superficial and do not only care about looks. Gila Manolson, in her book “Outside Inside” highlights the lesson tzniut ingrains in our children- if relayed the right way, “Covering yourself is therefore the most fundamental way saying, 'I'm more than a body.' ...by directing attention past the outside to the inside. It's the first step in asserting our personhood. And the more of our bodies we cover, the less they eclipse who we are. I read a story (recounted in my book Head to Heart) about a female college professor who was set up on a blind date. As she was a bookish intellectual, her date was warned that she might dress primly — but she showed up in a low-cut dress with a thigh-high slit. 'Wow!' he blurted out, taken aback. 'Your brains don't show at all!' ”

The message we want our children to get is “You are more than your body.” This message relieves the pressure they often feel to look perfect, be skinny and “dress to kill.” (For boys and girls this message is imperative. If affects how the boys view themselves and their expectations for the way the girls should look, significantly impacting on the girls!) Tzniut helps us reinforce that message. How envious Abigail Jones and Marisa Miley (who wrote the article above) must be of our ability as Jewish parents to send that message loud and clear through having a positive attitude about and glorifying tzniut.