Friday, June 17, 2011

Parenting Pointers- Graduation, Gratitude and Gam Zu L'Tova

As we watched our graduates march down the aisle last night, we felt a sense of pride as we have watched them grow into fine young people. These past number of days, there have been a few themes that have repeated themselves over and over. One of them has been, “Thank you.” All of our speakers last night relayed numerous thank yous to their parents, teachers and classmates. One speaker even dedicted his entire speech to the theme of Hakarat Hatov. (Hopefully, at the end of year we are encouraging all of our children- even those not graduating- to say, “Thank you” to their teachers for the countless hours and kochot (efforts) the have put into them). Parents have contacted us with thank-yous for caring for their children these past 10 years. And, of course, as educators we thank our parents for entrusting these children to us, and thank Hakadosh Baruch Hu for guiding us in guiding them.
This spirit of gratitude is actually healthy for everyone and is should not only be relegated to graduation time. Psychologist Robert Emmons at the University of California has spent years researching the positive effect of gratitude. Subjects who kept gratitude journals reported fewer negative physical symptoms, felt better about their lives and more more optimistic about the coming week. They were more likey to have achieved academic, health and interpersonal goals. There was also increased levels of helpfulness towards others. (We know the obvious positive effects of reaching out to others).
When this research was focused particularly on teens they were found to have had higher levels of alertness, attentiveness, energy, enthusiasm and determination.
Some of the physiology behind all these results can be found in the fact that researchers have discovered that when one thinks about something for which he or she is grateful, the parasympathetic a (the branch of the nervous system which creates calm), is triggered. This in turn has positive effects on the heart, as the electromagnetic patterns of the subjects became more stable.
Dr. Emmons discusses the problematic gratitude that many of us have. We generally only feel “conditional” gratitude when things go our way. If he gets an “A” on the test, then he is grateful to the teacher. If she received the Chanukah gift for which she had been hoping, only then she is grateful. He claims that we can choose to be grateful before we receive what we want. He highlights four benefits in doing so:
  1. Being grateful frees you to truly feel happiness as it protects you from being angry, stressed, anxious or discouraged.
  2. A grateful person is a more pleasant person, and this can only have positive impacts on your relationships.
  3. Feeling gratitude gradually reveals all there is to feel grateful for and that allows you to truly appreciate it.” Once a person is focused on gratitude he will actually discern more things for which to feel grateful.
  4. Feeling grateful “attracts you to conditions that support your feelings of gratitude.” Meaning, if one is grateful for that which has not yet happened, and you wish it to happen, that event is more prone to happen. (This may be something akin to self- fulfilling prophesy- a positive or negative expectation about circumstances that affects a person's behavior and causes that expectation to be fulfilled. For example, if I expect people to think I am a poor student, I may behave in a certain way to make that expectation come true- unconsciously).


This is truly what the concept of “Gam Zu L'tova” “This too is for the best,” is as is found in Gemara Ta'anit 21a about Nachum Ish Gamzu. He received this nickname as no matter what negative experiences he faced in life, he always said, “This too is for the best,” and was grateful for his lot as he always expected and focused on the positives. We are grateful even when things do not go our way. A similar theme is found in Berachot 60b as Rabbi Akiva was accustomed to saying "Everything Hashem does is for the good,” in frustrating and even frightening situations. In essence, he was grateful to Hashem for that which does not appear “good” as well.
How do we raise children who are able to be grateful even before good things happen or when they don't happen at all? How do we raise children with an atitude of gratitude that permeates their entire being? Emmons speaks about “Gratitude Journals” where at the end of each day you focus on the events for which you are grateful. The underlying goal is get our children to focus on all that is good in their lives each day. That can be a conversation at the table about some positive things that happened to them that day. We also can help them re-frame negative events that they experienced thereby helping them practice “Gam zu l'tovah.” It may be difficult for a teenager to see the positive side of failing an exam. But, we can try to help them minimize the utter devastation they are feeling, (after you have empathizes and listened), by helping them see that it is only one test...and the teacher will still respect him... and it doesn't mean he's a failure...and things will get better. That is all part of “Gam zu l'tovah.”
As we end the year, let us feel grateful for our numerous success, and even grateful for the failures as well. But, more importantly, let us feel grateful for the successes that have yet to come.


Have a wonderful summer!







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