The Favorite Child?

“And Israel loved Joseph above his other sons... and made for him a coat of many colors. And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, and they came to hate him and could not speak together peacefully.' " (Genesis 37:3-4) The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat 10b highlights, “One should never favor one child over his other children, for it was the mere two shekels worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph over and above that which he gave to his other children, that caused the brothers to be envious of him, leading eventually to our forefathers' descent into Egypt." This section of Parashat Vayeshev is full of obvious parenting lessons. One would imagine that a lesson that is more than obvious to us would have been so to Yaakov as well. The parshanim on these pesukim spend some time stressing that this was all part of G-d's plan, and not the mere family dynamics gone wrong.
This story of favoritism that we read each year came to mind as I read an article in the October 3, 2011 issue of Time Magazine called “Playing Favorites” by Jeffrey Kluger. He asserts that parents do indeed have a favorite child. Kluger quotes a University of California at Davis study where 384 sibling pairs and parents were questioned and videotaped over three years. 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers admitted that they have a favorite child.
Some reasons Kluger attributes to this favoritism are that all animals and humans are genetically programmed to favor the child who is most prone to be successful and pass on their genes to the next generation. He adds that the oldest child is often the favored as parents spend so much more effort on the first child, as he is the only one in existence.
Some other common reasons stem from a child's temperament. Some children by nature are easier and some more difficult. One child's temperament may be more similar to the parent's which adds to favoritism. They are a good fit. A particular child may fulfill a parents expectations more than the other. And, of course, there are children who need more attention due to, for example, disabilities or illness, and therefore appear to be the favorites to the other siblings.
How does this “favoritism” affect the children? The other children may suffer from low self-esteem. (Although Steve Jobs claimed that the fact that he was the least favorite child in his family led him to have more drive and ambition to succeed). It clearly can also cause conflict between the siblings. And, the favored children may feel that they must always be “perfect” and meet their parents' expectations, feeling constant stress. They also may have a sense of entitlement as they enter the real world, and are unable to deal with disappointments in life.
Kluger's article also sparked controversy, as many asserted that not all have a favorite child. It is not favoritism that we are seeing. Children are all good and not so good in different arenas. Depending on the situation one might be your favorite partner to go see a baseball game. Another child might be your favorite with whom to go shopping. As Bonnie Rochman responded to Kluger's article, “They're all good and bad at different things, just as we all are. I see different parts of myself in each of them... but I can't choose a favorite overall.”
Whether you agree or disagree with Mr. Kluger, what can we do to make sure that our children don't feel as if we prefer one of them over another?
1. Remember that we are often unaware of what our behaviors convey to our children. We need to stop and think about the messages we are communicating to our children by the way we are treating them.

2. If someone else points out those “favoring behaviors” instead of denying, we should examine our actions.

3. If your child accuses you of favoritism, instead of simply denying it, respond with, “I would love to spend time with you (for example) too”. Make time to give each child one on one time.

4. Love each child uniquely. Let your child know that you notice his/her unique characteristics and connect with him/her over their special qualities.