How to "Friend" G-d

G-d doesn't have a Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favorite contact.

He doesn't have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn't have Twitter, but I follow Him nonetheless.

He doesn't have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold.

Mrs. Sharon Risch sent me the above called “G-d and Social Media.” It, of course, speaks volumes about our relationships with our technology, but more importantly- at this time of year, with G-d. We know that "דרשו ה בהמצאו” (Yeshayahu 55:6) “Seek Hashem when He is near”- during the month of Elul through Aseret Yimei Teshuva G-d is nearer and closer to us, and we are to seek out that closeness and repent. How do we help our teens feel that closeness? The word Elul itself is an acronym for “ אני לדודי ודודי לי" “I am to my Beloved as my Beloved is to me”- as it is a time we are to seek out a relationship with G-d during the entire month of Elul, leading up to the Yamim Noraim. How do we raise children who feel this need to even have a relationship with G-d that is as least as strong as their relationships with their iPods? The above poem crystallizes this challenge. A few weeks ago, my three year old son said to me innocently, “Hashem is my best friend.” I want my children to feel that G-d is their best friend throughout their lives. (Even when it's not “cool” to say so). How do we make that feeling last?

Rabbi Steven Burg, the International Director of NCSY, wrote in an issue of Jewish Action that we wonder why many teenagers who are raised Orthodox simply go through the motions and then stray from Orthodoxy when they go off to college. He asserts that we need to “Reintroduce G-d into our schools, homes and relationships...Judaism is first and foremost about one's relationship with the Almighty, not about fitting into a social group.” Teens, and adults, lead observant lives because it is expected of them in the community in which they live. “A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain that she believes in G-d,” cites Rabbi Burg as an example. “A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his Bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his Bubbie did.”

What can we as parents do to instill this love of Hashem in our children? We need to share with our children that the goal of all the wonderful and insightful commentaries and thought-provoking halachot that they are learning is to get closer to Hashem. We need to display our own love for G-d in words and action. When we experience a trip to the beach together and see the sunset, we need to say, “Wow. How amazing are the creations of Hashem. Can't you feel Hashem here?” It may sound cheesy, but we need to say it aloud. When I taught a Jewish philosophy class I used to ask my students to write about a time that they felt Hashem in their lives. We need to ask our teens to ask themselves these questions. Some students even kept a “Hashgacha Pratit (feeling G-d's presence) Journal.” We need to bring Hashem into their everyday lives.

As we do Mitzvot with joy we also relay the message that we are doing mitzvot to connect with G-d. If you truly love someone everything you do “for Him” is a joy. This applies to Tefilla as well. What message are we sending them about Davening- our opportunity to connect and talk to G-d? Like with a best friend, I turn to G-d to speak with Him when I have troubles. He always listens. We should bring up conversations with them about, “How do we connect with a G-d we can't see? How do we know He is there? Does He really answer our prayers?” These are important discussions to have with our teens. This is all part of the spiritual education we must give our children. They may challenge us- a perfect opportunity for a serious heart to heart.

I once read that we should try an exercise and ask our children why they are important. Most will say because they “get good grades, are good at sports, have good friends...”- all based on something human that can change. But, how about sharing with them that their self-worth is based on a Bereishit 1:27 “G-d created human beings in the Divine image.” You are wonderful because you are created in the image of Hashem and that Hashem loves you.

Judaism is not a dry, cold religion full of rote laws. It is, however, easy to fall into the mechanical performance of Mitzvot. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe in his book Alei Shor shares the antidote to this problem as “let us contemplate that the Holy One, Blessed be He, Himself, commanded us in this commandment, and that through it, we are connecting with Him.” Taking a moment to stop and think before performing a mitzvah- not something most of us do.

As we approach Yom Kippur, I rededicate myself to work on my relationship with G-d and to help my children develop theirs. At this time of year, may we “friend” Hashem. I know He will “friend” us back.

The Present is a Gift for Parent- Child Relationships and Teshuva

The Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashana comes from Bereishit 21:1-34. There are numerous discussions as to why this section is read at this time. Primarily, one can see the Rosh Hashana themes of Tefilla – prayer and Teshuva- repentance as underlying these pesukim. The second section of this portion is the story of Yishmael and Hagar being sent out from Avraham's home. This story highlights the ultimate compassion of G-d as He saves Yishmael. 21:17, “G-d heard the cry of the youth, and an angel of G- d called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heeded the cry of the youth in his present state'.” “באשר הוא שם" – in his present state, are the words upon which I would like to focus. What are their significance?

Rashi quotes the Midrash that states that when the angels saw Yishmael dying of thirst they turned to G-d and said, “For one whose descendants will eventually force Your children to die of thirst, You will perform a miracle and reveal water?!” (For interest's sake, this is referring to the time when Nevuchadnezzar exiled the Jews to Bavel and the descendants of Yishmael greeted the thirsty Jews with salty food and bread instead of water, and gave them empty jugs filled with just air. When they tried to drink from these jugs, hot air entered their throats aggravating the situation). Hashem responds, “What you say is true, but at this point in time, is Yishmael righteous or wicked?” The angels replied, “Righteous.” Hashem then said, “If so, it is proper to save him, for man is not judged on his future actions. Rather, he is judged in his 'present state' באשר הוא שם– according to the level he is now.” (The parshanim describe that Yishmael must have done Teshuva and therefore was considered righteous).

This story teaches us one of the foundations of Teshuva- that of באשר הוא שם. Even if one's deeds are not of a high level all year long, one should attempt during Chodesh Elul and Aseret Yimei Teshuva to elevate one's deeds – as a person is only judged based on “his present state”- not on his future and not on his past. What a gift!

As a parent, upon thinking about the relationship we have with Hashem during this Teshuva season, I cannot help but contemplate the relationship I have with my children. The Selichot and High Holiday liturgy is replete with the image of G-d being our Father and we are His children “As a father is compassionate with his sons, so too Hashem should have compassion on us.” How can I apply this

באשר הוא שם philosophy to my relationship with my children?

It is inevitable that at some point with teenagers we will find some cause to argue or rebuke. (In fact research indicates that children who do not back down so easily and engage their parents in “spirited discussion” -a.k.a arguments, in an effective manner may actually be able to better withstand peer pressure as they can better calmly, persuasively and persistently argue their standpoints). In having these arguments it is a essential to not bring up the past- focus on the present. If we begin throwing things out that happened months ago and dredge up the past we cannot move forward. And, it goes without saying that we cannot hold a grudge. When the argument is resolved, it is over. If we do not do so, we are saying, “We forgive, but we never forget.” It relays the message to our teens that no matter how hard they try to change, we will never give them a fresh start. We will never see them in the same way again.

Our goal as parents is to let our children know that no matter what they do we will always love them. We will always help them get out of a rut and improve. And, once they improve, we will have faith in them. How many times have I heard students say to me, “No matter what I do, my parents won't ever trust me again.” The message of באשר הוא שם is the gift we can give our children of not holding over them mistakes they have made in the past (as long as they are no longer commiting the same mistakes).

There is another message in the importance of dwelling on the present. This past week, our 7^th graders began their Advisory classes. The theme of their Advisory curriculum is “Prepare Yourself to Change the World,” as they involve themselves in lessons and service learning projects. The first unit focuses on the power that teenagers can have to change the world. We discuss the story of Austin Gutwein, who when he was 9 years old in 2004 decided to raise money for those suffering in Africa by shooting hoops and getting sponsors. Now, in his teens, his program has spread and has raised over $2 million. We do not want our children looking to the future and saying, “When I get older, I'll make a difference and do something important.” We want them to realize that in the present they can be more and do more. This message is crystallized in the words of John Larson, a news correspondent, “I spent a day with Austin and his family and found them inspiring.  His story, I believe, challenges us all. The first thing I thought as I drove to the airport was: 'What was I doing when I was 12?' And then, of course, the next thought: 'What, exactly, am I doing now?'” We are empowering our teenages to achieve something special for others now.

This message also reminds me of what I sometimes hear from our teenagers, “I'll be more religious and be more serious when I go to Israel for the year.” It is as if they are excusing their present behaviors by looking to the future- when it's the present that counts. As parents we need to again empower our teens to realize that “If not now...then when?” (Avot 1:14). And, as the Mishna in Avot 2:5 also states, "V'Al Tomar K'SheEfneh Eshneh Shema Lo Tipaneh", “I will learn when I have time, because maybe you will never have time.” I recently received an e-mail from a childhood friend whose son is a high school senior in a “Modern Orthodox Yeshiva.” Her son recently celebrated the Siyum Hashas as he has actually completed all of Shas for the first time. Wow! That is a teenager who realized the power he has in the present.

As the we begin the new year of 5773 may we find the inspiration in the present to not dwell on past disappointments and challenges, and to not wait for the future. In that merit, may Hashem judge us similarly for a happy and healthy year.