Saying "I'm Sorry" and Taking Responsibility

 “This is my confession... I will take responsibility for what I have done.” What are the chances of hearing those words on a video featured in media this week during Aseret Yimei Teshuva? These are not the words of a rabbi urging his congregation to Teshuva. This was a headline newsstory. The moment I saw it I thought, “This is a perfect topic for Advisory and for Aseret Yimei Teshuva.” What could be better than combining a Torah lesson with a social/emotional skill? In this week's 8^th grade Advisory we were able to do so.

The lesson began by showing the students a segment of that video clip that has had been viewed on Youtube 1.9 million times in the past week. The clip can be found in many places, but originally appeared on the website “because I said I would.” You can view the video at http://becauseisaidiwould.com/saveyourvictim/ . The video features Matthew Cordle who killed Vincent Canzani in a hit and run while drunk driving in June. Since then, he had not come forward until posting this video of himself on the website confessing to killing Canzani. The website becauseisaidiwould.com was started by Alex Sheen in memory of his father. It is focused on having people “make commitments for themselves and their goals using index cards” called “promise cards” that say on them “because I said I would.” In his video, Matthew Cordle was holding up a promise card that said on it “I will take responsibility for what I've done.” Cordle was arraigned two days ago.

Some of the questions we wanted the students to consider were: Why do you think Cordle confessed? Was it because he knew he would be caught? Was it self-interest as he thought that juries may feel bad for him and then give him a lighter sentence? Why did he wait so long to come forward? Was it difficult for him to live with the guilt? Do you think his confession was sincere? Why did he confess on a website and not just call the family directly and turn himself in? If you confess only because you are afraid of punishment does it count? Cordle's blood-alcohol content was 0.19 percent following the crash, more than double the level of intoxication for Ohio. Cordle says he made a mistake. This mistake took another man’s life. Can he ever undo what he has done? Does a confession do that? Does confessing that he did wrong erase all that he did? Mr. Canzani's ex-wife calls Cordle “an honest man”- do you think he is an honest man? One article about him uses the word “hero.” Is he?

I wanted the students to consider how difficult it is to admit one has done wrong and all the reasons why one would do so- some selfish reasons as well. We also asked them to contemplate what it takes to be brave enough to do so. In their own lives, when they do admit they have done wrong, does the transgression disappear?

We were then able to bring this discussion around to how it applied to them as Jews. Do you think that Jews believe that if you admit something, and regret, and promise not to do it again you are cleared from it? They were asked to think about what a gift Teshuva is that it allows us to start with a clean slate. However, the Teshuva must be sincere. What if Teshuva is not sincere- i.e. you are only doing it because you are afraid of punishment- does it work? The Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4: 1 specifically notes, “There are 24 deeds that hold back Teshuva...One who says, 'I will sin and then, repent.' Included in this category is one who says, 'I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone [for me].'” So, if one sins counting on the fact that if he will confess all will forgive, will that repentance work? (Although we did not bring it up in Advisory, thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer, we can realize that admitting you are sorry does not always allow you to erase that which you have done. This is an interesting conversation to have with our older children).

As parents, we can teach and model what it truly means to admit one is wrong. Teshuva provides the perfect template for that admission. The steps are consistent with what any therapist might learn in a workshop on learning to take responsibility for one's actions. Dr. Michele Borba in her book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, highlights the five steps to giving a sincere apology. I am going to focus on the three main steps: According to her they are: “1. Think about what you did wrong 2. Say what you are sorry for. 3. Tell how you are going to make things better.”

It suspiciously sounds as if Dr. Borba got her steps from the steps of Teshuva. First, one must recognize that one has done something wrong- הכרת החטא. That is often the hardest step as we are often in denial regarding our misbehaviors. Most children say, “It was not me!” or “It was his fault!” We need to help them stop the “blame game.” Then one must regret one's deed and disown his/her behavior-עזיבת החטא/ חרטה. The next step is confessing aloud- וודוי. And, then ensuring that one will never do the behavior again- קבלה על העתיד. A great way to react when a child blames another for an event is to respond, “What can we do to make sure this won't happen again?” (Interestingly enough, assuming Cordle was sincere, he actually did go through the above steps of Teshuva).

When we learn about Teshuva with our children we point out that we can apply the lessons of Teshuva to our everyday lives, at any age and with our interactions with peers. These steps are not simply for the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. We know that these steps are difficult for us as adults. By asking our children the right guiding questions we can train our children from a young age to effectively admit they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, and thereby become better people.

Matthew Cordle promised to take responsibility for his actions. We ended the session with our 8^th graders by presenting the students with their own Promise Cards. We asked them to each pick a goal to change something or to do something differently this year to make themselves better people. By making a “promise” to themselves, we empower our children to take responsibility for their growth and their actions on the path to self-improvement.

Self-control Strategies For Success

You can probably hear that familiar voice in your head. The conversation is a yearly one. “What can I/you do differently so that I/you can have a more successful year?” This might be a conversation you have with your child at the end of the summer before school begins. (Yes. He makes it clear that he has no desire to have this conversation!) Or, it might be a conversation you have with yourself (or your child), as Rosh Hashana and the Yamim Noraim approach. This year, as the beginning of the school year and the Yamim Noraim practically coincide, we are reminded of how both the beginning of school and the beginning of the Jewish year are opportunities to start fresh.

Each year we speak to our students about spending some time thinking about how they can do things differently this year. Much of what they highlight is wishing that they had more self- control. If only I was able to watch less TV or text less or spend less time playing games, and to study more in advance with less procrastinating. Or if I could resist the temptation of my friend in class who distracts me. Or perhaps they wish they could stop some of their bad habits when it comes to studying – if only I could be more organized so I wouldn't lose my papers. If only I could use my planner better. If I had more self-control and could resist temptation, then I could be a more successful student.

This theme fits in perfectly with the theme of Teshuva as we embark upon Rosh Hashana.. If only I could have more self-control and resist temptation, then I could overcome my bad habits and become a better person.

Rabbi Dovid Gottleib, in his article “Strategic Teshuva” stresses that in order to overcome temptation one must ask oneself the following questions “When do I fail like this? What is in the environment? What else has happened that day? Under which specific circumstances do I fail? And, what can I do to change those circumstances?” He calls this technique of changing the circumstances in which we fail “Strategic Teshuva.”

When attempting to change habits or even sinful behaviors we need to identify the triggers for those behaviors. Is the trigger for misbehaving in class sitting next to the chatty classmate? Is the laziness I sometimes feel when it comes to becoming better triggered by surrounding myself with computer games? Is the trigger for my angry outbursts my exhaustion leading to a lack of patience or even the time of day I leave for work which is guaranteed to be a time of traffic?

It is difficult to change behaviors if the triggers still exist, therefore our goal is avoid the triggers. Change the environment (i.e. move your seat in class). Surround yourself with people that are moving towards doing better.

If one cannot change the environment, one should add something to the environment to strengthen oneself, to make it easier for him/her to do the right thing. Set an alarm to go off when you have had enough computer time. Call your friend, (hands-free, of course), who you know will calm you down during traffic. Switch your minyan to a minyan where people tend to have more kavana for tefillah.

“The key is to control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing.” Rabbi Gottleib adds that some may see this “strategic Teshuva” as a cop-out. It seems as if we are running away from our problems and not overcoming our temptations- just avoiding them. He responds that our first responsibility is for our actions. And, “often we can only overcome the desire if we have a respite from the wrong actions. As long as the bad habits and midot are active it is very difficult to gain control.” By avoiding the temptations our ultimate goal is to be immune to temptations and to exert more self-control. The first step to complete Teshuva is Strategic Teshuva.

When contemplating how to improve ourselves or our children as people, or how to help them become better students, we first need to help them identify their temptations. When meeting with a student, the first question I ask him is, “What do you think is standing in your way?” Until they identify those obstacles change is not possible.

There is one more element we can add to the chances of success in resisting temptation. Dr. Peter Gollwitzer speaks of “implentation intention.” If a person makes specific plans to achieve a goal he has set, those intentions increase the chances of his achieving the goal if he also is able to foresee obstacles to that goal- the temptations. If there is a temptation a person is trying to resist, one should first form an implementation intention by thinking specifically about the temptation and about the situation where he is most likely to encounter that temptation. Then, one must resolve to stick to one's goal even in the face of temptation, and make a specific plan to stick to the goal. The example given is with a group of women who were dieting. Those who were able to foresee the foods that would be tempting to them, imagine where they will encounter such food, and assert in their minds that they will still stick to their diets, were more prone to stick to their diets when encountering the tempting foods.

When working with teens, I often like to use images from sports as examples. (Although, I often need to consult with the student before making the analogy, as I am not known for my sports knowledge!). In sports, when the coach calls the team into the huddle to draw up the play, he is attempting to help them envision what the the other team may do, and what they can do to preempt them. Visualization is a technique often used by athletes where they imagine their competitive scenario and “see” the outcome in the most positive manner possible. It can help improve outcomes. As parents, we coach our children to draw up “X's” and “O's” to plan strategies for victory.   

At this Rosh Hashana, when we make New Year's resolutions to resist temptation to sin, we need to utilize some “Strategic Teshuva” while we envision possible temptations and triggers, and craft an environment for success. Likewise, when we sit with our children to assist them in resisting the temptations in their lives, let us help them set their goals, identify their temptations and triggers that might stand in their way, and then plan practical strategies for avoiding those triggers. Only then can we lead them towards success in school and, more importantly, towards effective Teshuva and growth.

Shana Tova.