You can probably
hear that familiar voice in your head. The conversation is a yearly
one. “What can I/you do differently so that I/you can have a more
successful year?” This might be a conversation you have with your
child at the end of the summer before school begins. (Yes. He makes
it clear that he has no desire to have this conversation!) Or, it
might be a conversation you have with yourself (or your child), as
Rosh Hashana and the Yamim Noraim approach. This year, as the
beginning of the school year and the Yamim Noraim practically
coincide, we are reminded of how both the beginning of school and the
beginning of the Jewish year are opportunities to start fresh.
Each year we speak
to our students about spending some time thinking about how they can
do things differently this year. Much of what they highlight is
wishing that they had more self- control. If only I was able to
watch less TV or text less or spend less time playing games, and to
study more in advance with less procrastinating. Or if I could resist
the temptation of my friend in class who distracts me. Or perhaps
they wish they could stop some of their bad habits when it comes to
studying – if only I could be more organized so I wouldn't lose my
papers. If only I could use my planner better. If I had more
self-control and could resist temptation, then I could be a more
successful student.
This theme fits in
perfectly with the theme of Teshuva as we embark upon Rosh
Hashana.. If only I could have more self-control and resist
temptation, then I could overcome my bad habits and become a better
person.
Rabbi Dovid
Gottleib, in his article “Strategic Teshuva” stresses that in
order to overcome temptation one must ask oneself the following
questions “When do I fail like this? What is in the environment?
What else has happened that day? Under which specific circumstances
do I fail? And, what can I do to change those circumstances?” He
calls this technique of
changing the circumstances in which we fail “Strategic
Teshuva.”
When attempting to
change habits or even sinful behaviors we need to identify the
triggers for those behaviors. Is the trigger for misbehaving in
class sitting next to the chatty classmate? Is the laziness I
sometimes feel when it comes to becoming better triggered by
surrounding myself with computer games? Is the trigger for my angry
outbursts my exhaustion leading to a lack of patience or even the
time of day I leave for work which is guaranteed to be a time of
traffic?
It is difficult to
change behaviors if the triggers still exist, therefore our goal is
avoid the triggers. Change the environment (i.e. move your seat in
class). Surround yourself with people that are moving towards doing
better.
If one cannot
change the environment, one should add something to the environment
to strengthen oneself, to make it easier for him/her to do the right
thing. Set an alarm to go off when you have had enough computer
time. Call your friend, (hands-free, of course), who you know will
calm you down during traffic. Switch your minyan to a minyan where
people tend to have more kavana for tefillah.
“The key is to
control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively
adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing.”
Rabbi Gottleib adds that some may see this “strategic Teshuva” as
a cop-out. It seems as if we are running away from our problems and
not overcoming our temptations- just avoiding them. He responds that
our first responsibility is for our actions. And, “often we can
only overcome the desire if we have a respite from the wrong actions.
As long as the bad habits and midot are active it is very
difficult to gain control.” By avoiding the temptations our
ultimate goal is to be immune to temptations and to exert more
self-control. The first step to complete Teshuva is Strategic
Teshuva.
When contemplating
how to improve ourselves or our children as people, or how to help
them become better students, we first need to help them identify
their temptations. When meeting with a student, the first question I
ask him is, “What do you think is standing in your way?” Until
they identify those obstacles change is not possible.
There is one more
element we can add to the chances of success in resisting temptation.
Dr. Peter Gollwitzer speaks of “implentation intention.” If a
person makes specific plans to achieve a goal he has set, those
intentions increase the chances of his achieving the goal if he also
is able to foresee obstacles to that goal- the temptations. If
there is a temptation a person is trying to resist, one should first
form an implementation intention by thinking specifically about the
temptation and about the situation where he is most likely to
encounter that temptation. Then, one must resolve to stick to one's
goal even in the face of temptation, and make a specific plan to
stick to the goal. The example given is with a group of women who
were dieting. Those who were able to foresee the foods that would be
tempting to them, imagine where they will encounter such food, and
assert in their minds that they will still stick to their diets,
were more prone to stick to their diets when encountering the
tempting foods.
When working with
teens, I often like to use images from sports as examples.
(Although, I often need to consult with the student before making
the analogy, as I am not known for my sports knowledge!). In sports,
when the coach calls the team into the huddle to draw up the play,
he is attempting to help them envision what the the other team may
do, and what they can do to preempt them. Visualization is a
technique often used by athletes where they imagine their competitive
scenario and “see” the outcome in the most positive manner
possible. It can help improve outcomes. As parents, we
coach our children to draw up “X's” and “O's” to plan
strategies for victory.
At this Rosh
Hashana, when we make New Year's resolutions to resist temptation to
sin, we need to utilize some “Strategic Teshuva” while we
envision possible temptations and triggers, and craft an environment
for success. Likewise, when we sit with our children to assist them
in resisting the temptations in their lives, let us help them set
their goals, identify their temptations and triggers that might stand
in their way, and then plan practical strategies for avoiding those
triggers. Only then can we lead them towards success in school and,
more importantly, towards effective Teshuva and growth.
Shana Tova.
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