Saying "I'm Sorry" and Taking Responsibility

 “This is my confession... I will take responsibility for what I have done.” What are the chances of hearing those words on a video featured in media this week during Aseret Yimei Teshuva? These are not the words of a rabbi urging his congregation to Teshuva. This was a headline newsstory. The moment I saw it I thought, “This is a perfect topic for Advisory and for Aseret Yimei Teshuva.” What could be better than combining a Torah lesson with a social/emotional skill? In this week's 8^th grade Advisory we were able to do so.

The lesson began by showing the students a segment of that video clip that has had been viewed on Youtube 1.9 million times in the past week. The clip can be found in many places, but originally appeared on the website “because I said I would.” You can view the video at http://becauseisaidiwould.com/saveyourvictim/ . The video features Matthew Cordle who killed Vincent Canzani in a hit and run while drunk driving in June. Since then, he had not come forward until posting this video of himself on the website confessing to killing Canzani. The website becauseisaidiwould.com was started by Alex Sheen in memory of his father. It is focused on having people “make commitments for themselves and their goals using index cards” called “promise cards” that say on them “because I said I would.” In his video, Matthew Cordle was holding up a promise card that said on it “I will take responsibility for what I've done.” Cordle was arraigned two days ago.

Some of the questions we wanted the students to consider were: Why do you think Cordle confessed? Was it because he knew he would be caught? Was it self-interest as he thought that juries may feel bad for him and then give him a lighter sentence? Why did he wait so long to come forward? Was it difficult for him to live with the guilt? Do you think his confession was sincere? Why did he confess on a website and not just call the family directly and turn himself in? If you confess only because you are afraid of punishment does it count? Cordle's blood-alcohol content was 0.19 percent following the crash, more than double the level of intoxication for Ohio. Cordle says he made a mistake. This mistake took another man’s life. Can he ever undo what he has done? Does a confession do that? Does confessing that he did wrong erase all that he did? Mr. Canzani's ex-wife calls Cordle “an honest man”- do you think he is an honest man? One article about him uses the word “hero.” Is he?

I wanted the students to consider how difficult it is to admit one has done wrong and all the reasons why one would do so- some selfish reasons as well. We also asked them to contemplate what it takes to be brave enough to do so. In their own lives, when they do admit they have done wrong, does the transgression disappear?

We were then able to bring this discussion around to how it applied to them as Jews. Do you think that Jews believe that if you admit something, and regret, and promise not to do it again you are cleared from it? They were asked to think about what a gift Teshuva is that it allows us to start with a clean slate. However, the Teshuva must be sincere. What if Teshuva is not sincere- i.e. you are only doing it because you are afraid of punishment- does it work? The Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4: 1 specifically notes, “There are 24 deeds that hold back Teshuva...One who says, 'I will sin and then, repent.' Included in this category is one who says, 'I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone [for me].'” So, if one sins counting on the fact that if he will confess all will forgive, will that repentance work? (Although we did not bring it up in Advisory, thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer, we can realize that admitting you are sorry does not always allow you to erase that which you have done. This is an interesting conversation to have with our older children).

As parents, we can teach and model what it truly means to admit one is wrong. Teshuva provides the perfect template for that admission. The steps are consistent with what any therapist might learn in a workshop on learning to take responsibility for one's actions. Dr. Michele Borba in her book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, highlights the five steps to giving a sincere apology. I am going to focus on the three main steps: According to her they are: “1. Think about what you did wrong 2. Say what you are sorry for. 3. Tell how you are going to make things better.”

It suspiciously sounds as if Dr. Borba got her steps from the steps of Teshuva. First, one must recognize that one has done something wrong- הכרת החטא. That is often the hardest step as we are often in denial regarding our misbehaviors. Most children say, “It was not me!” or “It was his fault!” We need to help them stop the “blame game.” Then one must regret one's deed and disown his/her behavior-עזיבת החטא/ חרטה. The next step is confessing aloud- וודוי. And, then ensuring that one will never do the behavior again- קבלה על העתיד. A great way to react when a child blames another for an event is to respond, “What can we do to make sure this won't happen again?” (Interestingly enough, assuming Cordle was sincere, he actually did go through the above steps of Teshuva).

When we learn about Teshuva with our children we point out that we can apply the lessons of Teshuva to our everyday lives, at any age and with our interactions with peers. These steps are not simply for the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. We know that these steps are difficult for us as adults. By asking our children the right guiding questions we can train our children from a young age to effectively admit they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, and thereby become better people.

Matthew Cordle promised to take responsibility for his actions. We ended the session with our 8^th graders by presenting the students with their own Promise Cards. We asked them to each pick a goal to change something or to do something differently this year to make themselves better people. By making a “promise” to themselves, we empower our children to take responsibility for their growth and their actions on the path to self-improvement.