Reading Aloud To Your... Teen?

 My daughter came home from school stating emphatically that her teacher read them a book and she must get the next one in the series. The book was All Of A Kind Family by Sidney Taylor. My daughter is in 2^nd grade, and this book is definitely not the typical kind of book she loves about fairies, princesses or characters that love pink. I myself never read the series as a child, but I know my mother did. First published in 1951, the book is about a Jewish family living in the Lower East Side. It is a story that was probably lived by many of our ancestors. Not particularly jazzy or exciting, but something about it caught my daughter's interest. It was clear that her teacher's reading it aloud was all it took to get her hooked.

The books are out of print, so we could not purchase them at Barnes or Noble or on Amazon. We searched the libraries, and finally had one sent to ours. And, oh, the excitement each night before we read. I am just as excited. This book which speaks of simpler times- before technology, and of a simple family who did not have much, was something of which to look forward. And, it was that simple time I spend reading with her- simple, but special.

Soon, my “tween” son came in and asked if he can listen too. He too wants some reading aloud time. It made me think about how valuable time like this would be with our middle school children as well.

Experts do maintain that we should be reading aloud to our teenagers as well. Bedtimes stories are particularly a ritual that we can continue into the teenage years. (Although, I don't know about you, but I most definitely want to go to sleep earlier than my teen is ready to do so himself!) We tend to stop these rituals as soon as children can read independently. There are number of reasons why we shouldn't stop. And, believe it or not, even the most tech savvy, independent teen will appreciate it. Many parents and teens will take turns and alternate reading between parent and child. Here are some ideas of the impact of reading books aloud to each other:

1. Reading out loud is a great advertisement for reading enjoyment. When they see how much we enjoy reading the book aloud, we have the opportunity to expose them to pure love of reading and often of a genre or book they would never consider themselves. I admire the many parents who read the book assigned for school along with their children, but this reading time is to be a book they don't have to read.
   Jim Trelease, in the article, “The Hidden Benefits of Reading Aloud- Even For Older Kids” states, “Yes, because if you stop advertising, you stop selling. Kids have to read for school but that's not an advertisement for reading. Most of the material kids read in school, no one would read for pleasure. And if all your reading is tied to work, you develop a sweat mentality to reading, so by time you graduate you can't wait to stop reading. You become a school-time reader, not a life-time reader. Of course, kids have to do a certain amount of reading that's tied to work, but you don't want kids to forget that there are books out there to make you laugh, make you cry, and move the soul.” (Although, I would like to add, that much effort is made at Yavneh to choose books that are interesting for the students to read. More and more students share with me that they enjoy the books the y “have to” read).
2. The physical closeness between the reader and listener is comforting. Teens don't typically “snuggle” with their parents, and this is a time to at least be sitting next to them in close proximity.
3. “Children listen on a different level than they read.” One can listen to a more complicated plot or a book utilizing more sophisticated language than one might read on one's own. This is an effective way to build vocabulary.
4. Reading aloud is a great way to relay and discuss morals and life lessons. Discussions about feelings and beliefs can all stem from discussing the characters and their dilemmas, without sounding like a lecture.
5. Time spent together without checking your phone or multitasking.
6. Allowing your child to pick the book out with you honors the individuality in each of your children.
7. It is an opportunity to practice empathy and perspective taking. “What do you think he was thinking?” “Why did he do that?”
8. It's a great chance for you to read some books you missed as a child.
9. Reading aloud increases your teen's attention span in this “distractible” world in which we live.

There is value for the child him/herself when he/she reads aloud. For those of us who have entered the walls of a Beit Midrash we know the impact of reading the texts aloud to the other. The Gemara in Eruvin 54a states, “A person is happy in his learning when he says it aloud, in response to someone.” Saying the information aloud ensures that it is absorbed and retained. In fact, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi highlights that it states “V'dibarta Bam” “And, you shall speak in them,” stressing the importance of reading aloud. Reading aloud also “pierces the heavens” and “brings joy to G-d” according to the Pele Yo'etz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo. The great Talmida Chachama Beruriah was “passing a student who was studying silently without verbalizing what he was learning. She rebuked him and said that his manner of study was incorrect because the verse states, 'Life comes to the one who comes upon them' which is meant to be understood as, 'life comes to the one who articulates its words with one’s mouth.'”

Then, we know the value of hearing someone else read in Judaism- a prime example being the weekly Keriat HaTorah. The Rambam in Hilchot Tefillah 12:1 appears to believe that hearing the Torah fulfills the requirement of learning. (Others may disagree). I can still recall my high school Navi teacher, Mrs. Marcy Stern, who before we ever learned a perek would simply read it dramatically aloud to the students. By the time we began learning the perek, I was already able to anticipate the themes, mood and climax of the perek. This reading aloud of the perek was a practice that I “stole” from Mrs. Stern when I myself taught Navi. To this day, I can still hear her voice reading that perek.

 Hallmark sells recordable books that enable a child to hear a special relative's voice reading to him/her. Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children could hear us each night without needing a recording? That voice will never leave their minds, even after they have left the teenage years and are off on their own.

Innoculating Our Teens Against "Affluenza"

Last week, Ethan Couch, a sixteen year old boy in Texas who killed four people he hit while drunk driving, was only sentenced to ten years probation and not the twenty years in jail recommended by prosecutors. Couch and friends were seen on surveillance video stealing two cases of beer from a store. He had seven passengers in his Ford F-350, was speeding and had a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit, according to trial testimony. His truck slammed into the four pedestrians, killing Brian Jennings, 43, Breanna Mitchell, 24, Shelby Boyles, 21, and her mother, Hollie Boyles, 52.

Ethan's lawyer claimed that he would benefit more from rehabilitation then from jail time as he suffered from “affluenza”- that his parents were very wealthy and spoiled him so that he never had to suffer the consequences of his actions. His lawyer stated that, his “family felt that wealth bought privilege and there was no rational link between behavior and consequences... Couch's parents never punished him for his behavior, even when, in a separate incident, cops found him passed out in a car with a naked 14-year-old girl.”

As one could well imagine, there has been much debate about this case of “affluenza.” The term "affluenza" is not a true psychological diagnosis. Jessie O'Neill, in her book The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence used the term. “It's since been used to describe a condition in which children — generally from richer families — have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol.”

Some have maintained that not only have parents not provided any consequences, but now the court system has done the same. Others have discussed the issue of race. Dr. Suniya Luthar, a psychologist who specializes in the costs of affluence in suburban communities, asked, “"What is the likelihood if this was an African-American, inner-city kid that grew up in a violent neighborhood to a single mother who is addicted to crack and he was caught two or three times ... what is the likelihood that the judge would excuse his behavior and let him off because of how he was raised?"

Luthar shared that in her research at Columbia University, she has shown that “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school.” This sentence, she maintains, reinforces this belief.

In our community, our children are mostly middle to upper middle class adolescents as well. How many of our teens are stricken by “affluenza”? We discussed this topic with some of our 8^th graders this past Friday in Advisory. Some questions we discussed with them were:

1. Who is to blame in this case- the parents or the boy?
2. What do consequences have to do with knowing right from wrong? How do you think kids learn right from wrong? How did you learn? (Role models, peer environment, learning Torah...)
3. “Chosech shivto soneh b'no” (mishlei 13:24)- “Spare the rod spoil the child”- what does that mean? Does that apply in this case? Do you think there is a piece of us that should thank our parents for “punishments”/consequences?
4. So, who do you think should have been guilty? What do you think of his punishment?
5. “Affluenza” do you think this term applies to our community?
6. “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school...Boyd's sentence reinforces that belief.”- We are the middle- upper class. Do we think this is true?

Dr. Luthar states in her research that “U.S.’s new group of “at risk” children are preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families, not from low–income homes.” Why? Who are these children. Dr. Madeline Levine, author of the book, The Price of Privilege states that these are children who “look great on the outside, but are empty on the inside.” Anxiety, depression, drug abuse, eating disorders and suicide are three times higher in affluent communities than in low income communities.

The Alliance for Early Childhood, ( Blakely Bundy and Kathy Hardy ), presented what they thought as the there underlying reasons for this at-risk community.

1. Overscheduling and specialization- days are overscheduled, and children are forced to become experts at something at a young age. There is no time to process the learning and less time for unstructured play. Preschool teachers note that more and more children need to be taught how to play. They haven't learned the social skills needed for interacting with others often gained in simple unstructured play.
2. Schools- Parents in schools tend to advocate for their own children more than for all the children. Hara Marano, author of a A Nation of Wimps- The High Cost of Invasive Parenting shares, “The most affluent parents have the means, the power, and the know-how of the system’s workings to in­fluence it on behalf of their children.  ...They are not afraid to  challenge the system and make it serve their interests, actions fed by their sense of entitlement as ‘full payers.’  …They may seek advantage for their own children over general im­provements that would help all children, including their own.”
3. Isolation- parents have to overwork to maintain their standard of living and are connected 24/7via internet to their jobs. Often one parent is never seen by his/her children during the week, and it is as if the children are being raised by a single parent.
4. Cell phones- Marano calls the cell phone the “eternal umbilicus” stating that it has changed the parent-child relationship. “Children report every blip and flicker of experience immediately as it happens, without engaging in reflection or otherwise processing the experience….  The main problem with having your parents in your jeans pocket is that you never have to activate the mental machinery for independence.  As a result, you never learn how to guide yourself thru the making of decisions on your own or come to rely on your own judgment.”
        “Dr. Don Monroe, former superintendent of the Winnetka Public Schools and recent­ly headmaster of Baker Demonstration School, says that, 25 years ago, he might get a phone call from a parent in June, saying, 'You know, Johnny didn’t have a great year with Mrs. X, so let’s think about his placement for next year.'  Now, he’ll get a call from a parent who has talked with or texted her child during the school day.  The parent might say, 'Mrs. X didn’t call on Jacob  in math class today.  She isn’t recognizing his potential, and I’d like you to do something about it right away.'”
5. Creating the “perfect” life- parents want perfection for their children and see happiness as the most important value. If children are given everything they want, and they feel they do not deserve it, that can lead to more anxiety. They may feel guilty for feeling unhappy. Seeking perfection is exhausting.  
6. Overindulgence and materialism- It is often easier to get them what they want even if it is not in their best interest.
7. Overprotection- this is a topic we had discussed in last week's article, highlighted in Wendy Mogul's The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.

After the A.E.C. presents us with all of this issues to confront in our communities- what are their solutions? I believe that many of their suggestions are intuitive. I would like to focus on one. “Fourth, and probably most important of all, is to bring together parents with similar values and ideas about parenting. There are many parents who don’t buy into the fast-paced, competitive values that have taken over many affluent communities...Speaking up, validating feelings and ideas, and bringing those parents together can not only be help­ful and reassuring to individual parents, but, as like-minded parents find each other, they can gain strength and courage and perhaps begin to change  the prevailing climate in their affluent community.  This may be the first step in getting “affluenza” under control.”

Many of us proudly maintain that our values are not the values in items 1-7 that the A.E.C. lists. We need to continue reinforcing our own values with our children. We constantly point out the values in society that are antithetical to our own. When our children come home and say, “But, so and so's mother is doing so and so for him” we respond, “But in our family we don't do that because...” The sentencing of Ethan Couch is one such “teachable moment” to discuss with our children, as we did in Advisory, the pitfalls of our middle class lives and the importance of maintaining ones Torah values and ethics despite the relatively comfortable lives with which G-d has blessed us.

Advisory Update:

1. Sixth Graders spent some time scheduling their evening routines as part of time management.

2. Seventh Graders investigated the stereotype often presented of the homeless, and how that stereotype is not always true.

3. Eighth Graders discussed the value of consequences and whether teens are responsible for their own actions through understanding the Couch case above. 

Who Said Life Is Supposed To Be Easy?

Weber Middle School, in Long Island, has banned football, baseball, and games of tag during recess to prevent students from getting hurt. When asked why, school officials responded that “too many students have gotten bumps, scrapes and head injuries.” What?! You might be thinking. What is this world coming to that kids aren't even allowed to get some bumps once in a while? This brings to mind the title of the book by Wendy Mogel The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. One concept she stresses in her book is the importance of exeperiencing failure for the growth of our children.

Why do many of our children fall apart when faced with difficulty? One reason is that they believe that life will always be easy and therefore are not prepared when life is hard, or when they hit some “bumps” or “bruises” along the road. Louis Brandeis once said, “If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.”

The parshiot we have been reading these past weeks describe the many bumps that Yaakov Avinu had in his life. Beginning with the need to run away from home and his fear of Eisav and culminating in his “loss” of Yosef, how much harder could his life get? Yaakov had this feeling as well, just wishing that life would be easier for him. The Midrash in Bereishit Rabbi 84:3 states

“Rav Acha said: When the righteous sit in tranquillity and desire to sit in tranquillity in this world, the Satan acts as accuser. He exclaims 'Is that which is set for (the righteous) in the World to Come not enough that they seek serenity in this world?' This is certainly the case – Yaakov Avinu sought to dwell in serenity in this world and the “Satan” of Yoseph attached himself to Yaakov – 'And Yaakov dwelt … etc.'(Gen 37:1) 'I had no repose, no quiet, no rest, and trouble came.' (Job 3:26)I had no repose – from Esav, No quiet – from Lavan, No rest - from Dinah, And trouble (lit. anger) came – the trouble of Joseph.”

One message often noted is that tzaddikim can never rest when it comes to growing spiritually. They must always be moving and never rest on their laurels.

Another message it does provide our children with is that life is hard, and if we face hardship it can help us grow. This past week's passing of Nelson Mandela is testimony to this idea. After 27 years in prison, he changed the face of his nation. Mr. Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." To truly grow, one must realize that life is not easy. Life is not always comforting. At times it is hard. At times it is full of fear. A few weeks ago, my children and I heard Rabbi Yosef Mendelevich, (who spoke to some of our middle schoolers last year), tell his story as a refusnik and a prisoner in Siberia for eleven years. He too had the ability to maintain strength in the face of difficulty.

After Hurricane Sandy or any other natural disaster we focus on “disaster perparedness.” How do we prepare our children emotionally for life's inevitable bruises? We do so by modeling our reactions to hard times. A recent study in Israel, conducted after Operation Pillar of Defense at Soroka University Medical Center preschool psychiatric unit highlighted that children of mothers who suffer from PTSD are more likely to develop PTSD. Factors like health, education, or socioeconomic status had no impact. The only risk factor in developing PTSD was whether the mother had the symptoms. After a trauma, states Dr. Gal Meiri, “the child is dependent on the parents' reaction.” As parents, when faced with a difficulty, if we identify it and then decide we can cope and move on rather than panicking or saying, “Poor me” our children can model our behavior. Verbalize how it is a conscious choice to be optimistic and move forward.

What is one reason why our children believe that life is supposed to be easy? Because we a have always protected them from hardship. This is another way inadvertantly increase their fears. Wendy Mogel speaks about the level of fear that we as parents are passing along to our children by overprotecting them. We are fearful of their not being invited to the right parties, accepted by the right schools, of their being disappointed in life. “We train our children to... expect the worst in any unusual situation. We are teaching our children to slither rather than to roll with the punches... Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard...But most of the parents I speak with believe that their children should be spared 'ordinary unhappiness' and should be protected from feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated or disappointed... If parents rush in to rescue the from distress, children don't get an opportunity to learn they can suffer and recover on their own.”

“My philosophy is: Life is hard, but G-d is good. Try not to confuse the two.” (Anne F. Beiler, American businesswoman). Ignoring the humor in her words, it does point out the importance of another from of modeling we can do as parents to help our children become more resilient. We can teach and model belief in G-d, and that He will help us in our times of trouble. Emunah and Bitachon. Rabbi Steve Burg, in his article, “Keeping Our Kids On The Derech” wrote, “The concept of God’s existence is neglected, barely even mentioned in our day schools and yeshivot. While we spend much time teaching Jewish texts, we spend way too little time emphasizing emunah and bitachon—the very foundations upon which Judaism is built. A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain she believes in God. A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his bubbie did. The dichotomy between our children’s high-level Torah study and their faith in God (or lack thereof) presents a deep and dangerous chasm. As parents and educators, we need to present Torah, halachah, philosophy and Jewish history as part of our relationship with and understanding of God, not as separate subjects that exist in a vacuum. When learning Torah with our children, we must express our own passion and zeal for God, demonstrating that all facets of Jewish learning should serve as a means to draw us closer to God and to better appreciate and love Him.” We cannot assume that even our Yeshiva graduates have the level of Emunah that they deserve and need.

We raise our children with the knowledge that life is hard at times, but they can overcome. They gain this knowledge by actually confronting challenges without our bailing them out. Wendy Mogel compares raising children to what horticulturists do when they prepare hothouse plants for replanting outdoors. First, they deprive them of food and water and expose them to greater heat and cold so that they will grow stronger root systems and thicker stems. “They subject them to stress to strengthen them.” Through allowing our children to look disappointment in the eye, while at the same time modeling resiliency and bitachon, we strengthen them.

Advisory Update:
6th grade-  A unit on Time Management Unit was begun where they are learning how to prioritize their work  utilizing the MyHomework app.

7th grade-  The skills of empathy are being taught and implemented.

8th grade-   Student focused on the fact that gratitude and appreciating what they have make for true happiness in life.