Who Said Life Is Supposed To Be Easy?

Weber Middle School, in Long Island, has banned football, baseball, and games of tag during recess to prevent students from getting hurt. When asked why, school officials responded that “too many students have gotten bumps, scrapes and head injuries.” What?! You might be thinking. What is this world coming to that kids aren't even allowed to get some bumps once in a while? This brings to mind the title of the book by Wendy Mogel The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. One concept she stresses in her book is the importance of exeperiencing failure for the growth of our children.

Why do many of our children fall apart when faced with difficulty? One reason is that they believe that life will always be easy and therefore are not prepared when life is hard, or when they hit some “bumps” or “bruises” along the road. Louis Brandeis once said, “If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.”

The parshiot we have been reading these past weeks describe the many bumps that Yaakov Avinu had in his life. Beginning with the need to run away from home and his fear of Eisav and culminating in his “loss” of Yosef, how much harder could his life get? Yaakov had this feeling as well, just wishing that life would be easier for him. The Midrash in Bereishit Rabbi 84:3 states

“Rav Acha said: When the righteous sit in tranquillity and desire to sit in tranquillity in this world, the Satan acts as accuser. He exclaims 'Is that which is set for (the righteous) in the World to Come not enough that they seek serenity in this world?' This is certainly the case – Yaakov Avinu sought to dwell in serenity in this world and the “Satan” of Yoseph attached himself to Yaakov – 'And Yaakov dwelt … etc.'(Gen 37:1) 'I had no repose, no quiet, no rest, and trouble came.' (Job 3:26)I had no repose – from Esav, No quiet – from Lavan, No rest - from Dinah, And trouble (lit. anger) came – the trouble of Joseph.”

One message often noted is that tzaddikim can never rest when it comes to growing spiritually. They must always be moving and never rest on their laurels.

Another message it does provide our children with is that life is hard, and if we face hardship it can help us grow. This past week's passing of Nelson Mandela is testimony to this idea. After 27 years in prison, he changed the face of his nation. Mr. Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." To truly grow, one must realize that life is not easy. Life is not always comforting. At times it is hard. At times it is full of fear. A few weeks ago, my children and I heard Rabbi Yosef Mendelevich, (who spoke to some of our middle schoolers last year), tell his story as a refusnik and a prisoner in Siberia for eleven years. He too had the ability to maintain strength in the face of difficulty.

After Hurricane Sandy or any other natural disaster we focus on “disaster perparedness.” How do we prepare our children emotionally for life's inevitable bruises? We do so by modeling our reactions to hard times. A recent study in Israel, conducted after Operation Pillar of Defense at Soroka University Medical Center preschool psychiatric unit highlighted that children of mothers who suffer from PTSD are more likely to develop PTSD. Factors like health, education, or socioeconomic status had no impact. The only risk factor in developing PTSD was whether the mother had the symptoms. After a trauma, states Dr. Gal Meiri, “the child is dependent on the parents' reaction.” As parents, when faced with a difficulty, if we identify it and then decide we can cope and move on rather than panicking or saying, “Poor me” our children can model our behavior. Verbalize how it is a conscious choice to be optimistic and move forward.

What is one reason why our children believe that life is supposed to be easy? Because we a have always protected them from hardship. This is another way inadvertantly increase their fears. Wendy Mogel speaks about the level of fear that we as parents are passing along to our children by overprotecting them. We are fearful of their not being invited to the right parties, accepted by the right schools, of their being disappointed in life. “We train our children to... expect the worst in any unusual situation. We are teaching our children to slither rather than to roll with the punches... Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard...But most of the parents I speak with believe that their children should be spared 'ordinary unhappiness' and should be protected from feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated or disappointed... If parents rush in to rescue the from distress, children don't get an opportunity to learn they can suffer and recover on their own.”

“My philosophy is: Life is hard, but G-d is good. Try not to confuse the two.” (Anne F. Beiler, American businesswoman). Ignoring the humor in her words, it does point out the importance of another from of modeling we can do as parents to help our children become more resilient. We can teach and model belief in G-d, and that He will help us in our times of trouble. Emunah and Bitachon. Rabbi Steve Burg, in his article, “Keeping Our Kids On The Derech” wrote, “The concept of God’s existence is neglected, barely even mentioned in our day schools and yeshivot. While we spend much time teaching Jewish texts, we spend way too little time emphasizing emunah and bitachon—the very foundations upon which Judaism is built. A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain she believes in God. A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his bubbie did. The dichotomy between our children’s high-level Torah study and their faith in God (or lack thereof) presents a deep and dangerous chasm. As parents and educators, we need to present Torah, halachah, philosophy and Jewish history as part of our relationship with and understanding of God, not as separate subjects that exist in a vacuum. When learning Torah with our children, we must express our own passion and zeal for God, demonstrating that all facets of Jewish learning should serve as a means to draw us closer to God and to better appreciate and love Him.” We cannot assume that even our Yeshiva graduates have the level of Emunah that they deserve and need.

We raise our children with the knowledge that life is hard at times, but they can overcome. They gain this knowledge by actually confronting challenges without our bailing them out. Wendy Mogel compares raising children to what horticulturists do when they prepare hothouse plants for replanting outdoors. First, they deprive them of food and water and expose them to greater heat and cold so that they will grow stronger root systems and thicker stems. “They subject them to stress to strengthen them.” Through allowing our children to look disappointment in the eye, while at the same time modeling resiliency and bitachon, we strengthen them.

Advisory Update:
6th grade-  A unit on Time Management Unit was begun where they are learning how to prioritize their work  utilizing the MyHomework app.

7th grade-  The skills of empathy are being taught and implemented.

8th grade-   Student focused on the fact that gratitude and appreciating what they have make for true happiness in life.