To Thine Own Self Be True

Honesty- such a lonely word… and the focus of this unit in 8^th Grade Advisory. Stemming from current events- “Deflate-gate” and A-rod finally, officially pleading guilty to using steroids- we discussed the topics of cheating and honesty in sports, in school and in interactions with others. 

Aside from considering why it is wrong to be dishonest, we wanted the students to think about the following issues:

1.     How does behavior affect the impression others have of us even if it is in the past? (Past deceit- does that make us “untrustworthy”?) How does one develop a good reputation?

2.     Loss of trust- how essential is trust in our relationships? If we lose it, is it easy to get back? How about in parent- child relationships? Friendships? Teacher-student relationships?

3.     Why is “success at all costs” antithetical to our moral beliefs?

4.     Why do people cheat?  Do we ever feel like we are in that position?

5.     How does it feel for those of us who do not cheat? Is it frustrating?

6.     “Everybody does it”- does that excuse behavior?

7.     “No harm done”- is that true that no one is impacted by our deceit?

One issue we discussed with the students is whether in the age of technology people are more dishonest or less.  Some data from 13-17 year olds from 2009 indicated:

·        More than 35% admitted to using their cell phones to cheat.

·        52% admitted to some form of cheating involving the Internet.

·        38% said they copied text from Web sites and turned it in as their own work.

·        65% of students with cell phones say they use them at school, but only 23% of parents think their children use cell phones during school hours.

·        69% of schools have policies that don’t permit cell phone use, but more than half of all kids ignore them.

Jeffrey Hancock, on CNN, wrote in his article “The Internet Might Help Keep You Honest” that technology has made possible three new forms of deception.  The first he calls the “butler lies” “Little lies we tell one another to avoid social interaction.”  For example, claiming one is in a tunnel and is losing reception, or saying you just received a text when you read it hours go, and did not want to respond. In this way we use technology as a “social buffer.”

The second form of deception he calls “sock puppets.”  “Individuals who provide reviews or commentary about their own work, usually highly positive, of course.” On the internet one can choose any identity one wishes.   This second form leads to the “Chinese water army” where thousands of people are paid to get together to write the same reviews. 

On the other hand, Hancock quotes research which indicates that technology actually makes us less likely to be dishonest to each other.  In these studies, people were less prone to lie via e-mail that in person.  Why? This is similar to why we often find that people write e-mails that are more caustic than they would say in person.  There is no risk of having to see the person’s reaction. (This is the same reason why children find it easier to bully via the internet). 

We asked our students this week to consider “Are you a truthful person? Do you intentionally mislead others?”  We asked them to be honest with themselves.

As parents and educators, we model the importance of honesty.   Whether it is honesty at work, in our relationships or even with them.   The way we interact with our teens in an honest, but caring way, fosters trust between us.

In this week’s parasha the description of the Aron (ark) is found.  In Shemot 25:11 it states that the Aron is to be made of wood and to be covered in gold on the inside and the outside.  Why use gold on the inside where no one will see it.  The ark exemplified the midda of being “tocho k’baro”- one’s external behavior should reflect one’s inner essence.

In fact, this character trait is so important that the Gemara in Berachot 28a states that Rabban Gamliel denied entry to the Beit Midrash to anyone who was “ein tocho k’baro”- his outside was not like his inside.  Why was this kind of honesty so important to Rabban Gamliel? It is the same type of honesty we want in our students.

We particularly want to encourage this type of honesty during the teenage years when our children are developing a sense of self.  We want them to be true to their “insides” “tocho”.  During this age making choices by “honoring their true selves”  rather than basing decisions on their peers’ behaviors takes a significant amount of courage. We proclaim “let your bar be like your toch.” The first step, which they are learning to do during this time of adolescence, is to help them find their true selves, and be proud of who they are.    We encourage our children to be individuals and to have the courage to be so.  “To thine own self be true.”  

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Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students focused on what are the activites that distract us from maintaining good time management and what are some solutions to avoiding those distractions?

Seventh Grade- Students understood the sensitive situation in Gaza and the world view.  

Eighth Grade-  A unit on honesty ended with a lesson on lying and its impact. 

Real Strength For Men- Super Bowl Style?

 For those of you who have been loyal readers for some years now you know that I typically write a Super Bowl column after the game. Now, you might be thinking that since I mentioned the Super Bowl in the column right before the game I fulfilled my obligation. Right?

Not quite. I know that in last week's column I mentioned some of the commercials during the game for their negative impact. I wanted to mention another commercial presented by Dove they call “What is real strength- for men.” You can view this commercial at http://www.dovemencare.com/Videos/?utm_source=DIemail&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2015DMC_Superbowl

I use the Dove campaign for real beauty in lessons with my female students as they have developed these wonderful videos regarding body image and true beauty. “Based on the findings of a major global study, The Real Truth About Beauty: A Global Report, Dove® launched the Campaign for Real Beauty in 2004. The campaign started a global conversation about the need for a wider definition of beauty after the study proved the hypothesis that the definition of beauty had become limiting and unattainable. Among the study’s findings was the statistic that only 2% of women around the world would describe themselves as beautiful. Since 2004, Dove® has employed various communications vehicles to challenge beauty stereotypes and invite women to join a discussion about beauty.  In 2010, Dove® evolved the campaign and launched an unprecedented effort to make beauty a source of confidence, not anxiety, with the Dove® Movement for Self-Esteem.” They have also created a curriculum for students to help young girls improve their body images.

Now, Dove is seeking to bring their campaign to males. As you can see in the commercial, caring is true strength. Why did they launch their campaign during the Super Bowl? Jennifer Newsom contributtor to the documentary 'The Mask you Live In – exploring American masculinity, answers this question in her article “What are boys learning from the Super Bowl?” “It is difficult to imagine a more hypermasculine public ritual than the Super Bowl. Muscular men shoving and slamming against each other, seeking dominance over one another, and being revered and rewarded for violence while scantily dressed women dance on the sidelines.” She shares that “hypermasculine norms” lead to dangerous consequences for boys, like the fact that half of boys and men who experience depression or anxiety will not get help. She notes increased drinking in boys under 17 and other at-risk behaviors. Newsom attributes much of these behaviors to the fact that we raise boys by telling them that “real men don't cry” or express their feelings.

In a new study in 2014 “Care Makes a Man Stronger,” Dove partnered with masculinity expert Dr. Michael Kimmel which revealed:

• 86% of men say that the idea of masculinity has changed versus their father's generation
• 9 out of 10 men today see their caring side as a sign of strength.
• Only 7% of men around the world can relate to the way the media depicts masculinity
  Dove's goal is to express to men that is is okay to care and to show emotion. It is our job as parents of boys to raise boys who realize that demonstrating and expressing emotion is not a weakness, but rather a strength.

As I commemorated the 12^th yahrzeit of my father, Rabbi Steven Dworken a”h, last week this message came to life. My father was truly emotional and never afraid to shed a tear in public. As a pulpit rabbi, he often cried during a stirring Dvar Torah, or even at a simcha. In fact, on my wedding video, if one listens closely, one can hear me saying to him under my breath, as he recited the berachot as m'sader Kiddushin, “Daddy, don't cry!” as I was afraid he would set me off. My father was known for his incredible “heart,” (which he would pronounce “haht” with his Boston accent), and his wonderful ability for empathy and connecting with others. I grew up understanding that “real men do cry.” It has allowed me to grow as a more sensitive human being myself, and reminds me daily of the importance of raising my own sons with the strength to care.

One Thing For Parents To Do Before The Super Bowl

            A new law took effect in Israel on January 1^st that models need to have a body-mass index of at least 18.5.  They call it the “Photoshop Law” as it also demands that if photoshopping is used on an image, it must be noted on the bottom of the photo.  The purpose of this law is to prevent models from losing too much weight and endangering their health.  More importantly, this law protects those who view these models and are therefore influenced to emulate them. This law was initiated by Israeli fashion photographer Adi Barkhan who was inspired to make a change after he lost his friend Hila Elmaliah, a model, to an eating disorder.   A research study published in Pediatrics noted that about “two thirds of American girls in the fifth to 12th grades say that magazine pictures influence their image of an ideal body; about half of girls in those grades said the magazine images made them want to lose weight.”

This past week we begin our series of Adolescent Life Workshops with our seventh graders.  The girls’ workshop focuses on the impact of the media on body image.  What are the messages that the media sends to girls about body image? Today’s children are more and more dissatisfied with their bodies, from as young as the age of five.  The media clearly has an impact on this trend.   As Common Sense Media states, “Unrealistic, sexualized, and stereotypical images and messages about bodies and gender are rampant on the media your kid consumes.”  If our children are exposed to these unrealistic body types, they come to believe that they are ideal.  87% of female television characters aged 10 to 17 are below average in weight.  

            In my workshop with the seventh graders,  we speak of the unrealistic images to which we are exposed daily.  We discuss the photoshopping done on every ad they see.  We focus on the over-sexualized images they see daily in the culture around them.  Most importantly, we discuss the definition of “true beauty.” 

            With the advent of social media, now our teens are not only comparing themselves to celebrities, but also to their peers.   Young girls are constantly posting pictures of themselves for the world to see and comment on.  “In Youtube videos, innocent girls are asking Internet audiences to tell them if they are pretty or ugly.  They are rating each other on Instagram.  They bare themselves and beg for feedback on formspring.me.   They edit their selfies and drink in advice about how to improve their online image.”  Teens are turning to the Internet for body image validation.  The Internet is like a “super-peer.”  Research has just begun to ascertain the negative impact this criticism and judgment have on a young girl’s body image.  “In a world where the feedback is constant, often negative, frequently public and interactive, it can’t be good.”   (Note, that this all affects boys as well as girls, although my focus is girls in today’s article).

            I eagerly rushed to get this article out before the Super Bowl as an article I read on Common Sense Media urged me to do so. (I have quoted Common Sense Media before.  Just a reminder, it is a great resource if you want to see if a movie, book, tv. show is appropriate for your child, as it provides detailed ratings of violence, sexual content etc.).  The Super Bowl is another example of how the media affects our children.  In their video “Three things to talk to kids about before watching the Super Bowl” they highlight important discussions to have with your child regarding body image, stereotypes and sexism and even violence before watching the game.  Please take the time to watch the few minute video before the game at :

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/videos/3-things-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-before-watching-the-super-bowl.

            Additionally, Caroline Knorr writes an article at https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/thanks-carls-jr-for-making-it-easy-to-talk-about-super-bowl-sexism where she discussed the sexism and impact even the commercials our children watch during the Super Bowl have on them.   Her points are essential as we note that 80% of ten year old girls have been on a diet.  What messages are they getting?   Please take the time to read this very quick article before the game, as it highlights some recommendations for parents at the end.

            I know many of you are saying to yourselves, “Why can’t she just relax and enjoy the game?”  Okay, I’ll try, but I’ll be able to relax a bit more if I know we are helping our children withstand the dangerous impact the media can have on them.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Our sixth graders began their Time Management unit as they were introduced to how time management can help them avoid procrastination and handle their workloads.

Seventh Grade:  Seventh graders focused on the situation with Hamas in Gaza to better understand how they can make an impact.  They also had their first lesson in the Adolescent Life Workshops series where the boys focused on physiological development and the girls on body image.

Eighth Grade:  Eighth graders continued their unit on honesty in school.