In the next days, the first trimester report card will come out. More important than the grades on the report card are the three conversations that will be had about this report card. Three?
Conversation #1: YOUR CHILD’S CONVERSATION WITH YOU
First, is the conversation that your child will initiate with you. “What?” you might say. One might imagine that most children would avoid having that conversation with their parents. In sixth grade Advisory we stress how parents appreciate when students are upfront and honest with them about their report cards, even before their parents see them. (Most students have a sense of what their grades on the report cards will be even before they are out. But, we do find that there are some students, despite seeing their grades all trimester, who are still clueless about their grades. We therefore also do an activity in Advisory where the students need to predict their grades before they see them. We then see how accurate they truly were. If they were not accurate- why is that? What are they missing? ) The same with specific grades on tests and assignments- it is always a good idea to share your grades with your parents before they find out. Why? It sends the message to parents that we are not trying to avoid, hide or dodge anything. Rather, we want to partner with them to do better.
This approach creates a non-combative atmosphere where parents and children are there to help each other.
We then actually role play with them the best way to speak to their parents. Here are two scenarios we act out with them:
Parents Surprised By The Report Card:
Narrator: Mrs. Gold just received Joey’s report card. He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.
Parent: Joey! Come in here right now!!!
Joey: What (innocently)?
Parent: (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara? If you would have told me, I could have helped you!! Now, what should we do?!
Students Telling Their Parents Before Report Cards Arrive:
Narrator: The report cards are being posted on Thursday. Tuesday, Joey comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…
Joey: Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?
Mom: Sure, honey.
Dad: No problem.
Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.
Dad: What’s wrong Joey?
Joey: Well… it seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in Gemara!
Mom: Why do you think that happened?
Joey: Well, I was absent for a week, and then I thought I was caught up in Math and I really did not. And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how much work it was. I won’t make that mistake again. I have a plan of what I can differently next time. Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night. Or not study in front of the TV.
Dad: Well, I’m glad to see you have thought this through. Let’s sit together to figure out a solution.
Yes, clearly this might not be real life- except in the Brady Bunch, but our goal is to show students that it’s in their best interest to be honest and to make a plan. We want them to show their parents that they are responsible enough to make changes.
Conversation #2- THE CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOUR CHILD:
Then there is the conversation that we the parents have with our children after we see the report cards. Those conversations can make or break the next trimester and the tone of the relationships we have with our children. A video was making its way around Teaneck Shuls, (thank you to Mrs. Keren Nussbaum for forwarding it to me), called “How To Talk To Your Kids About Grades Without Stress Or Conflict,” presented by Joshua Wayne. He highlights three basic goals for the conversation you are having with your child about his/her grades:
1. The grades conversation should always be a positive one.
2. The goal of the conversation is to build rapport and their buy-in.
3. The conversation should involve setting goals so the participants feel it is going in the right direction. Our goal is minimize the stress and tension when it comes to discussing grades as it can weaken your relationship, hurt their academic performance and power struggles can cause them to “use grades to get back at you.”
So, what are some of the things we can do to minimize the stress and power struggles?
a. Stay calm- you are modeling for your child, and you are more prone to say things you don’t regret when you are calm.
b. Know your end game- Is it about getting all A’s or about his showing maximum effort and trying his best?
c. Keep it light.
d. Timing- Pick the right time when your teen is “available.”
e. Ask good questions- be in the “listening mode” not the “lecturing mode.” Some examples Mr. Wayne gives are, instead of saying “I think you could have done better,” say “How do you feel about your grades?” Or, instead of saying “I was expecting more A’s” say, “What were you hoping your grades would be like?” Another good one he mentions is, instead of saying “You spent too much time playing video games,” say, “On a scale of 1-10 how much have you applied yourself this trimester?”
f. Setting goals and making agreements- Ask her, “What do you want to see happen next trimester?” How does she plan on doing it? This is where you help her set S.M.A.R.T. goals. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time Bound).
g. Be mindful of rewards and punishments- incentives are helpful for many students. Let us just be careful not to get into a situation where we “pay for grades.”
Conversation #3- THE CONVERSATIONS YOUR CHILDREN’S TEACHERS HAVE
Rabbi Dovid Rosman, in his article, “Using The Power Of The Pencil To Recognize And Reach Potential” tells the story of his 10 year old daughter’s report card. He notes that the grades were all fine except for a grade in “Organization” in which she got an A minus, (still an amazing grade in my book!). But, he noticed that the minus was written in pencil. “Look Abba, my teacher wrote the minus in pencil. She told me that she knows that really I can be much neater and that if I improve over the next half of the year she’ll erase the minus.” Rabbi Rosman was floored as he felt this was a clever motivation technique-for the teacher to show the child that “you believe that their essence is greater…Instead of my daughter feeling badly or down for being disorganized, she was excited about the opportunity to show her teacher her ‘real’ self.”
As teachers, we often discuss the important conversations we have with the students- which do not wait for the report cards, but happen all along the trimester. These conversations are absolutely about the fact that all grades are in pencil- nothing is permanent. The teacher is available for the student for any help that is needed, and provides guidance along the way. Please do encourage your child, as I do the students who come to me worried about a class or a grade, to have a conversation with their teachers. What can I do to improve? The specific feedback students get from these conversations are essential. How can I better prepare for your exams or assignments? These are the aspects of the class that worry me. This is what you, the teacher, can do to help. If your child is uncomfortable reaching out to a teacher to request such a conversation, please feel free to ask the teacher to meet with your child.
The report card is meant to be a guide for your student and for you to monitor progress and to set goals. It is also meant to be a springboard for the important conversations- for both the succeeding student, (it’s wonderful to be recognized for one’s achievements), and for the not yet succeeding student.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on Time Management. Much of the stress we feel in school is related to poor time management.
Seventh Grade- Seventh graders had a “Quality Circle” where they discussed how we are doing in the middle school in terms of creating an atmosphere where everyone feels respected and accepted.
Eighth Grade- Continuing our Parent- Child relationships unit, students discussed what would happen if we actually switched places with our parents- would we understand them better and vice versa?
No comments:
Post a Comment